Bringing back this series hi. Trying to do a proper relisten of the series, so have the first 4 episodes of TMA posters. Hopefully manages to do all the episodes of the first season 🤞
Statement of Nathan Watts, regarding an encounter on Old Fishmarket Close, Edinburgh. Original statement given April 22nd 2012. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.
(The Magnus Archives is a podcast owned by Rusty Quill, and does not belong to me. Be sure to listen to the actual podcast if you havent already. This is only a fan-made satire of the original. I am also writing this because I like the original and usually like writing parodies for media's I enjoy, so do not take this as if I'm mocking the original./gen)
SUMMARY:
The Magnolia Institute covers various statements from over the years, which are apparently supposed to be paranormal encounters. About everyone else at the institute takes this seriously, except for the one who should actually be taking this seriously the most—the Head Archivist, Jonathan Sims.
1: The NPC.
TWS FOR CIGARETTES, PROFANITY, DRUNKNESS, ALCOHOL, ETC.
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Promisedneverlan2 presents..
The Magnolia Archives.
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ARCHIVIST:
(Coughing, approaching footsteps)se though Oh, God.. Jesus Christ—agh! (There's the sound of various things being knocked over.) Who the hell organized—oh.. right. (Yelling) Thank you! Whoever didn't think to clean this up.. (Shuffling)
(Sighing)
At least this thing works.. uh.. hello, I'm Jonathan Sims. I work for the—Magnolia Institute in London, which covers the paranormal and esoteric occurrences. About no one takes this place seriously, and I probably wouldn't either, if it weren't for the fact that I was in such desperate need of a job like this. It's really hard to make money nowadays. Either way, I've—been assigned the position Head Archivist recently due to the previous one, Gertrude Robinson, passing away from.. getting 'killed to death'. That's what it said on the report of her death anyway, for.. some reason. You'd think people writing reports would know basic grammar, but apparently not.
I have been.. working for this place for about 4 years. I'm familiar with the important matters of this work place, like projects and contracts.. which usually prove to be a total failure since nobody here has the capacity to handle those sort of things despite their grown age. Tim apparently doesn't care enough to even try handling it, Sasha is too—'busy', and Martin barely seems conscious at all sometimes. (Sighs again) Regardless, when this place isnt able to do some basic investigation, any statements are transferred here. Apparently, just to save it if they find anything similar, but I think thats a fancy way of saying: 'Hey, we're getting sick of your shit, so we'll just keep your statement forever and ever to make you feel like maybe we'll do something, and nobody's probably gonna look at it ever again'.
Well.. I usually look over the statement, so that.. doesn't really make sense. But—hey, its not like people don't already throw their personal business at me because they don't want to deal with it themself. (Cough, cough) Martin—anyway.. we.. have statements from over the 200 years this Archive has existed. And, all of which, are sitting in this office. You would think, filled with researches with experiences in the Academia and other stuff like that, Gertrude would be decent enough to keep everything organized—and.. have a clean office. But, no! No. Apparently, she wanted to make things harder for whoever landed in her position! Honestly, I'm almost relieved she died if this was how horribly she was doing her job.
(Shuffling, creaking) As I.. look down at this desk though, I'm wondering how I'm even going to manage to get through all of these. They all appear to be hand written, and have stuff written on them like.. 'Updog'. What's.. what even is that? What's updo—?
...
(Faint ripping, tearing noises occur—and then something like paper sounds like its falling in the background.)
..ugh.. that wasn't funny. That was a terrible joke. Either way, my assistants are going to help me out with this mess. Tim and Sasha will investigate, as always, and try to find further details about statements if they can. And Martin—he'll.. well, if anything, I'll subject him to cleaning this room. But he's honestly so terrible at everything that I wouldn't be surprised if he managed to break every single object in here.
..either way, I have this.. job to do. And I'd rather read this as fast as possible if it means I can get out of here. If you happen to be the new Archivist listening to this in the future, then you better be good at your job, because God knows what will happen if you're anything like Gertrude.
Alright.. lets.. see—hold on.. erm—ahem..
(Faint paper noises, with the sound of something shutting)
Statement of—Nathan Watts. Regarding an encounter he apparently had with some stranger he had a bit of a fight with near Old FishMarket Close, Edinburgh. Original statement given April 22nd, 2012. Audio recording by.. me, Jonathan Sims. I'm pretty damn sure anyone who actually listened to this or knows what these are for would know I'm the Head Archivist, so I'm not going to say that.
Statement begins.
ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT):
"Alright, listen.. I'm—I honestly don't even know what the fuck happened? I was really drunk, and I just—I didn't even really get a chance to talk about it with anyone. Anytime I did, they'd just—treat me like I was some kind of moron."
"I suppose what I CAN say is I was studying at Edinburgh, with—Biochemistry. Quite a good university, if I do say so myself. A good.. Edinburgh-sity.. hah.. heh.." (Pause) "..sorry, that.. wasn't funny. Uh—I was a second year, and I was staying with a few others at this rented flat I had in Southside."
"To be honest, I didn't really like them that much? You wouldn't either. Listening to them blast Britney Spears all the time. Breaking things. And.. setting things on fire. It became so hard to sleep there at all, I slept outside one time on the grass. Though, for some reason they went out there, poured ice cold water on me one night, and then skipped away while giggling like little children before I could confront them—leaving just the bucket."
"At some point, a guy named Michael MacAulay, took me to a random party—well, more like broke into my room, asked me if I wanted to go, and then took my hand and dragged me all the way there. We went to a pub though, and to cope with.. well—everything, I started drinking a bit too much Vodka, and ended up passing out 5 times within the span of an hour. Michael woke me up after the 5th time though, pointed, and.. laughed at me. Then walked away. After that, I decided even being drunk wasnt enough to make any of these people less irritating, so I got up and tried to go walk home by myself."
"I think I got a bit too happy that I was away from them and in complete peace and quiet. And—started skipping and dancing down the street. As I spun around, I—made the terrible decision to pull out a cigarette and light it. When I stopped in front of an alleyway, I kept thinking the fire looked—'funny', to the point where I was nearly wheezing like a lunatic. I then thought it would be really funny if I—drew a picture with it, apparently. So I bent down, and tried to 'draw' with it. If I had, I would have caused a serious fire. But—as I did, there came this voice."
""Hey! What are you looking at?""
"I looked over to where I heard it. Right across the street, there was a staircase, and a.. strange—vaguely familiar silhouette standing in the shadows. It looked nearly pitch-black, though—I could make out what looked to be a face? More like some poor graphic of a face you'd see in a game like Oblivion. The person sounded male though. I thought maybe by their odd voice, they could have been drunk? But they were oddly still."
"I tried to see if maybe they were talking to me, asking if they were since they seemed to be directly staring at me. I tried speaking again when they didnt respond—if I had been looking closer, I would have noticed them.. swaying from side to side, over and over—like not as if they were floating, but they kept turning from the left to the right every few seconds. Again, it was like they were a Video Game Character, or.. something. After a while, they spoke."
""You'll have to pay with your life!""
"I was.. confused. They said that, pointing at me as they did, as if they were going to fight. And.. then returned to that weird swaying. The more I stared, I realized that their face only ever seemed to show a bit of expression, or barely any anger when they spoke, and then returned to blankness once they stopped. I could have sworn one of their shoes was weirdly phased into the steps? The more they spoke, I kept thinking they were oddly like an—NPC, of some sort. Maybe."
"They spoke.. again, and again, and again—sometimes cutting themself off. Or, it.. sounding like their own voice was overlapping with itself."
""Let me at him! You're gonna pay for that! Hey! What are you looking at? Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you—hey!""
"I was starting to get more confused, but.. also irritated. What was this persons deal? I felt like they were messing with me at the time. But—admittedly, I.. saw strangers online often recording other people acting weird or angry. As petty as it was, I pulled out my phone to record it, just to maybe share it online, and see if anyone else would find this as confusing or annoying as I did. The second I did though, I kid you not–that.. 'person'—it.. it literally phased through the ground. I saw it. It slowly dipped down, phased through it, and vanished like it hadnt been there. When I saw this, I blinked, too stunned to react. I felt like maybe I had seen more than I wanted to. So, I.. put the phone away. And—went back home! I didn't go to another pub and get totally wasted. I promise. Haha.."
"..the.. next day though, I began wondering what I had even seen, or.. why I had seen it. Maybe I was hallucinating? Why would—why would that happen? I went back there to check if there was anything, but all I found was some weird written text on the street that wasnt there before, which was just '1010110101', over and over. Whoever wrote that must have been pretty bored, since I'd never seen so many damn numbers in my life.."
"..I tried talking about it to some of the people I was with when I reluctantly decided maybe I should tell them. But they of course just—teased me for getting drunk, pushed me, and giggled like children before walking away. And anytime I tried bringing it up after, they'd point and laugh even harder. It's like I was the only one who was actually my age there. Jeez.."
"..I didnt really know what to do about it. I figured maybe it was some hallucination, and I should leave it alone. But—I couldn't help but notice.. well, there were a few missing person reports. And one of them happened to be a guy I didn't recognize, but.. strangely, looked a bit like the one I saw. And in the photo, he was.. holding a copy of oblivion."
"..not as dramatic as you hoped? As you—hoped? Wh—fuck you! I spent hours writing that do—"
ARCHIVIST:
..andddd.. the statements over. I guess whoever was writing this down decided to write down every pause and stutter he had, including him yelling at them for some reason. Quite the committed writer..
To be honest, I sort of wanted to put this one in the 'Liars & Maniacs' section, but of course—Sasha had to ruin that by investigating. Supposedly, what Nathan said is true. There was a woman who went missing, and another one, along with a few other people. Sasha found out these two women named Ashley Dobson and Sarah Baldwin were smokers through scrolling through their 'Tumblr' accounts, since they would often post weird quotes about it or post about their smoking habits with weird tags like 'sadcore', and.. other various concerning aesthetics that apparently exist.
Sasha did however find one last post from Ashley. It was an edited image of a pink flower crown seemingly on nothing, with a bunch of comic sans text saying 'uwu' and 'cinnamon roll' on it. The caption in it read: 'Found this very cutecore pastelcore uwu cinnamon roll!! They're so shy—they wont stop repeating the same thing over and over!'. When Sasha brightened the image though, there seems to be the vague.. PNG of a male face—with a blank expression.
Of course though, this doesn't mean anything. Nathan Watts is a drunken moron who hallucinated, and he deserves to suffer more than he apparently already does. He's a liar just like everyone else here. Gertrude sucks by the way. Did you know that? She's a terrible Archivist! She's a terrible—agh! (THERE'S THE SOUND OF A SLAM) Christ! My hand! Shit— (Shuffling, along with another hit that sounds close to the tape)
(Tape recording clicks by itself. The Archivist seemingly decided to end the statement then and there.)
Y'know what I think would be cool. If one of the one-off statement givers came back. Like if some super minor character had a bigger role in tmagp. Or not even a bigger role they just have a single incident report and that's all.
I just think it would be fun. Like, Nathan Watts saw something Vast happen and reported it. Or Siobhan Dobson, sister of Ashley Dobson who was presumably taken by the Anglerfish. Just a really minor cameo for a really minor character
