Absolutely unhinged Night at the Museum headcanons my sister and I have
When Teddy's bored, he'll jump off the roof of the Museum. Nobody knows he does this; he thinks it's hilarious
Teddy also does TikTok dances on the roof for his secret TikTok account
The mammoth and ostrich are bffs and cause more trouble than Dexter
Larry has a very strict no killing rule. This came as a great disappointment to the whole Museum. Attila, Ahk, the Romans, the cowboys, the Mayans, Teddy (he likes to hunt the animals), the Vikings, the lions, the Civil War dudes, Rexy, the Neanderthals, etc. Basically, everybody and their mother in this museum likes killing. They collectively decided to keep doing it but keep it a secret from Larry
Sacajawea is a unit of measurement for the miniatures, both of distance and of volume. They commonly say, "It's one Sacajawea away" or "It was so loud, even Sacajawea could hear it." Nobody else understands what this means
At one point, the mayor in the Wild West was murdered by an evil robot who took his place. When the townspeople found out months later, they killed the robot. This is unknown to the rest of the Museum
There is a miniature of Mark Antony and he is convinced that Ahkmenrah is Cleopatra. He'll follow Ahk around professing his love and writing him teeny tiny love letters. Ahk has no clue who he is and is quite frankly running out of patience with him
The Romans like to clog the drains of the sinks in the bathrooms and turn them into bathhouses
Teddy is banned from playing/hosting couple games or competitions because he gets way too competitive and makes everyone else feel bad about their relationships
Sacajawea once "borrowed" Luis' gun and shot Clark because he was getting on her nerves (Fifty-four years is a long time to be trapped with two idiots having the same argument every night. She deserves to crash out)
Ahkmenrah isn't allowed to eat anything because he doesn't have a stomach. Despite this, he still gets hungry and begs Larry to let him eat. Larry refuses even though it breaks his heart because he doesn't want his body to rot from the inside out. Ahk still sneaks food from the breakroom tho; if the curators did a CT scan of him rn, they would find fruit, coffee, and Craft mac and cheese
Nobody knows about the security cameras except Larry; he uses this as his secret weapon
Sacajawea runs a secret miniature black market. She orders things off of Amazon and sells it to them for change they find on the floor. She has become a quite skilled engineer and welds them little phones for a dollar
Ahk likes to raid the lost and found and use the clothes to sneak out; he is only seventeen after all. He's gone to Shake Shack, different clubs, and one of Nicky's parties at Larry's house. He's not very good at navigating the subway though and has Nicky call him Ubers
Rexy will "bark" if there's someone at the door. Most of the time it's just Larry but if another exhibit sneaks out, he'll "bark" if they try to use the front door
It’s time to announce Exhibit Of The Week, 20 Weeks of NatM Characters Starting July 14th to November 30th.
Where for 20 weeks straight I will be highlighting a Night at the Museum character and we will celebrate them all week long, in honor of the franchise 20th Anniversary this year, so for example one week could be Jedediah week, or one week would be Tilly week or whoever.
And I encourage anyone who is a Night at the Museum fan to join in the fun as we can make art of them, make fan edits, maybe fan fiction or whatever to celebrate that character that will be getting their own week, it will also be a good opportunity to celebrate NATM characters that don’t get enough love from the fanbase.
Rules:
If you guys want to participate and show that your celebrating here on Tumblr, Instagram and TikTok make sure to put these hashtags #ExhibitoftheWeek, #Natm20 but here on tumblr you can also add a hashtag for the character we’re celebrating that week like #larryweek(since we can still use more hashtags here)
Celebrate however way you want, by making fan art, fan edits, maybe fan fiction or anything to celebrate that character that will be getting their own week.
And if there’s a Night at the Museum character you don’t like for whatever reason you’re not obligated to celebrate them that week.
And remember respect your other fans, And most importantly have fun💙
Author's note (1): I think this is actually the first time one of my ships has gotten married in a fanfic I'm writing.
It just had to be them. Of all the ships I have had over the years, it just so happened to be these two. x'3
It's a chapter full of fluff, that's for sure!
Three years ago, if you’d asked Jedediah whether he’d ever be married, his answer would’ve been a laugh and a shake of his head. After all, he was only part of the Museum of Natural History’s exhibits.
Yet there he stood in his tent, preparing for his big night. Kayce, his closest friend in the Wild West diorama, adjusted the lapels of his brown frock coat. Stepping back, he put his hands on his hips and nodded in approval. “You look great, Jed!”
Looking over his shoulder in the mirror, Jedediah turned and nodded, a smirk tugging at his lips. He wore a white shirt trimmed with black laces, brown trousers, the frock coat Kayce had just finished straightening for him, and his black boots. It was a fine outfit for a groom. “… It’s definitely different from what I’m used to wearin’.”
Jedediah glanced at his hat on the wooden chair inside his tent, then with a smirk, he grabbed it and put it on. His heart was pounding, but he was ready.
As he stepped out of his tent with Kayce, Jedediah noticed the other cowboys were nowhere to be seen—not outside their diorama or anywhere nearby. He also realized he couldn’t hear anyone in the Roman Empire diorama. With his hands back on his hips, Kayce glanced at him. “They’re probably back in the lobby.”
Resting his hands on his thighs, Jedediah took a deep breath to steady himself. “God, I’m nervous…”
“Come on, Jed. It ain’t like Octavius’s goin’ to say no,” Kayce reassured, giving his friend a few encouraging pats on the back.
Though Jedediah let out a sigh, he shook his head. “That’s… not exactly helpin’ me, man…”
“I’m serious,” Kayce insisted. “Octavius has been in love with ya for… well, I don’t even know how long. But I’d bet he’s been dreamin' of this day since then. Trust me—he’s goin’ to say yes.”
As Kayce finished speaking, Larry walked into the Hall of Miniatures, dressed in a black suit for the occasion. It was the same one he wore the evening they hosted the event to help reopen the Hayden Planetarium. The event had ended in pure chaos, but Larry kept the suit for special occasions.
Upon seeing their old night guard, Jedediah’s nerves eased as he approached the diorama, a smirk on his face.
“Well, would you look at that,” Larry said, hands in his pockets. “It seems the leader of the Wild West has put on his best suit.”
Jedediah straightened, hands on his hips, and tilted his head. “Well, what? I had to wear somethin’ special for the biggest night of my exhibit life.”
With a chuckle, Larry nodded. “I’m sure Octavius will love your outfit.”
“… Do ya know where he is, Gigantor?” Jedediah asked as he tried to look at the diorama next door.
Leaning forward, Larry held out his hand for him and Kayce to climb onto. “He’s waiting for you in the lobby.”
Jedediah’s heart skipped a bit, but he inhaled deeply again; there was no going back now. Even if the Roman General suggested waiting a bit longer to marry, the cowboy would insist he was ready for this move.
“… Well, I ain’t goin’ to make him wait too long, or he’ll think I’ve changed my mind about all this,” Jedediah said as he climbed onto Larry’s hand.
However, Larry reassured him. “Don’t worry, Jed. He knows you’re just as nervous as he is.”
Kayce chuckled softly and said, “Oh, really?”
“You should’ve seen him in the lobby earlier,” their old night said. “He couldn’t sit still while Manius helped him with his outfit.”
Of course, Jedediah knew Octavius was probably just as nervous as he was. It was their wedding day, after all—the day they had both been waiting for. Drawing a steadying breath, he cleared his throat and looked up at Larry. “Well,” he said with a determined nod, “I think it’s time to see my groom.”
As Larry led Jedediah and Kayce towards the lobby, Jedediah's thoughts drifted. His mind wandered back to the very first day he had come to life. In those first moments, everything had felt strange and unfamiliar, but before long, memories of the real Jedediah Smith had guided his every step. He had followed that path without question... until the day he met Octavius.
He remembered it as if it were yesterday.
At first, they managed to get along well enough. But it wasn't long before they found something to argue over—usually the differences between their two eras. Then came the comment that started it all.
“Toga boy.”
The nickname had come from Jedediah, and Octavius had despised it from the moment he first heard it. Seconds later, the two of them were at each other's throats, wrestling across the floor.
Jedediah could still remember the two of them rolling around the Hall of Miniatures as Octavius called him a complete buffoon, mocking his obsession with guns that didn't even fire and accusing him of pretending to be tough because he was nothing more than a foolish cowboy.
Naturally, it didn't take long for the rest of the cowboys and the Roman soldiers to jump out of their dioramas and join the fight, which continued until sunrise.
Yes, Jedediah remembered it as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. Looking back now, he couldn't help but smile at the memory. Even in those days of constant arguing and endless fights, Octavius had somehow fallen in love with him.
And for that, Jedediah would always be grateful.
“Jed?”
Shaking himself free of his thoughts, the cowboy looked over at Kayce. “Yeah?”
“You drifted off for a minute,” the other cowboy said with a chuckle, glancing at their old night guard. “Larry and I were wonderin' where you'd gone.” A teasing grin spread across his face. “Let me guess—you were thinkin' about your husband-to-be?”
Jedediah rolled his eyes but chuckled. He knew there was no use denying it. “Oh, quit givin' me a hard time, will ya?”
Kayce and Larry shared a quiet laugh, both hoping the lighthearted teasing had eased at least some of the nervousness weighing on their friend before the ceremony.
They soon reached the lobby, where Jedediah’s eyes widened in surprise. Nicky, Tilly, and all the museum exhibits, including Ahkmenrah, Lancelot, and the Pompeii miniatures from the British Museum, were gathered there. Rexy was no longer on his pedestal, which was decorated for the event. As Larry approached, his hand raised, everyone greeted him with smiles and applause.
Now, Jedediah felt like his heart might burst out of his chest as it pounded. Kayce looked at him and placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Take a deep breath, Jed.”
Jedediah nodded to Kayce, then looked up at Larry and said, "... Alright, take us to the pedestal.”
With a smile and a nod, Larry approached it and let the two miniature men jump from his hand.
That’s when Jedediah saw Octavius.
The Roman General had his back to him, but the moment he heard his beloved cowboy step onto the pedestal, Octavius turned. A warm smile spread across his face, and his deep brown eyes filled with love. He wore a white toga decorated with golden patterns and his usual brown sandals. Instead of his helmet, a crown of golden laurel leaves rested on his head.
The moment Jedediah saw him, his eyes filled with tears. He blinked them away quickly, not wanting to cry just yet, and smirked at the man he loved.
Kayce gave Jedediah's shoulder another reassuring pat, then smiled. “Ready?”
Jedediah looked at Octavius, and in that moment, he knew he was. Turning back to the other cowboy, he nodded. “… Yeah.”
Kayce nodded just as Octavius and Manius approached them.
As the cowboy and the Roman General locked eyes, Jedediah felt the last of his nerves melt. He took a small breath and turned his attention to his friend. “Kayce, this is Manius. He’s Octavius’s second-in-command.”
For a moment, Kayce and Manius simply looked at one another. There was an instant connection between them, a spark neither could ignore. Kayce reached out his hand, and Manius took it, their handshake lingering just a little longer than necessary.
Afterward, the other cowboy gave Jedediah one final pat on the shoulder before heading to the front with the Roman soldier. Watching them go, Jedediah turned back to Octavius with a knowing smirk, raising his eyebrows. It was obvious what had just happened.
Octavius caught the look and let out a soft laugh, clearly sharing the same thought.
Theodore, the wedding officiant, asked Sacagawea to dim the lights. She smiled, nodded, and went to the entrance, turning off the lights one by one. The lobby quickly filled with a warm, romantic glow, and she returned to Theodore’s side.
“Thank you, dearest,” Theodore said gently.
He then looked toward Nicky and motioned for him to head to the reception desk. Nicky nodded and walked to the counter, reaching for the receiver.
Jedediah looked at him, then frowned. “… What is he doin'?”
Nicky set the receiver aside and placed his phone beside it, letting the wedding march echo through the lobby. As the music filled the room, he nodded to Theodore before returning to his father’s side. Everyone moved into position, ready for the ceremony to begin.
As the melody reached him, Jedediah listened quietly, nodding to himself. “… I understand better now.”
Octavius then reached out his hand towards him. Jedediah looked at it for a moment before a small smirk tugged at his lips. “… I’ll definitely take that hand,” he murmured.
The words drew a soft chuckle from Octavius as Jedediah finally took his hand, their fingers intertwining.
As the two miniature men approached the front, Octavius leaned closer. “I like your attire. It is quite elegant for a cowboy.”
Jedediah glanced at him and shrugged, a playful smirk tugging at his lips. “I had to dress up for my weddin’, didn’t I?”
Octavius let out another soft chuckle, and Jedediah looked him over. “Ya look pretty good for a Roman General…”
As they continued forward, they saw Lancelot beside Ahkmenrah, who greeted them with a warm smile and a respectful bow. Octavius returned the gesture by placing his fist over his chest, and Jedediah raised his hand to the brim of his hat.
Then their eyes fell on Larry—the man who had changed everything for them. He smiled warmly at the two of them, just as Nicky did. For a moment, it was hard for Jedediah and Octavius to hold back their tears, but they managed, returning the smile with grateful looks that said everything they couldn’t put into words.
When they finally reached the front, Theodore cleared his throat and looked warmly at the gathering. “My dear friends, I thank you all for being here on this wonderful occasion. I am Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th President of the United States of America, and I will serve as your officiant today.”
As Jedediah and Octavius stood before him, holding hands and looking up at the former president, Theodore continued. “It is my great honour and pleasure to unite Jedediah Smith, leader of the Wild West, and Gaius Octavius, Roman General, in the bonds of marriage.” He paused, letting his words settle before continuing. “As many of you know, their first meeting was… less than ideal.”
Upon hearing this, Jedediah chuckled softly and shook his head, while Octavius put a hand to his mouth to keep from laughing. Theodore and Sacagewea exchanged a loving smile before the former president continued. “… For many years, the Wild West and the Roman Empire were rivals, fighting numerous battles, but the day the tablet was stolen by the old night guards, everything changed for the better.”
Jedediah felt Octavius gently squeeze his hand, and the small gesture made the cowboy furrow an eyebrow and smirk. Raising their hands to his lips, he pressed a kiss to the Roman General's knuckles.
“Ahkmenrah, our dear pharaoh of ancient Egypt, has asked you to prepare your vows,” Theodore announced. “Now, who will have the honour of going first?”
The answer came without hesitation. Jedediah immediately pointed at Octavius. “If I go first, I’ll still be talkin’ when the sun comes up.”
Laughter filled the lobby, and Theodore smiled, then nodded. “Very well. Octavius, you may take both of Jedediah’s hands.”
With a slight nod, Octavius turned towards his fiancé and took his other hand. Seeing the tears already shining in Jedediah’s eyes, he let out a soft chuckle. “… Is that why you did not want to go first?”
Jedediah chuckled quietly, lowering his gaze for a moment before looking back up at him. “… I may say that, but the truth is… I can get carried away by my emotions too.”
With a gentle, affectionate laugh, Octavius finally felt tears streaming down his cheeks. He took a slow breath, steadying himself as he met Jedediah’s gaze. “… I know I have said this before, but I was never able to take my eyes off you, Jedediah. I may be the Roman General in my diorama, but my heart always knew where it belonged.”
Upon hearing this, Jedediah felt his eyes tear up. Yet for this moment, he held them back.
“… You were once my enemy… then you became my best friend, thanks to Larry… and now I have the honour of calling you my husband. I look forward to spending this eternal life with you.”
As Octavius finished his vows, Theodore smiled warmly, nodded slightly, then turned his attention to Jedediah. “Your turn, dear friend.”
Jedediah nodded and took a quiet breath to compose himself, but when he tried to speak, no words came out. He chuckled softly and cleared his throat, but the emotions he'd been suppressing overwhelmed him. Tears streamed down his face, and he chuckled again as he looked down. “… Well, there goes everythin’ I was goin’ to say…”
“Take your time, my love,” Octavius murmured before gently lifting his chin to meet his blue eyes.
It created a tender moment that didn't go unnoticed by the rest of the cowboys. Glancing at his people, Jedediah chuckled. “I know, I know... I'm not that tough after all...”
"There ain't nothin' wrong with that, Jed," Kayce said beside Manius.
Looking at his friend, Jedediah nodded before meeting Octavius's gaze. “… When ya told me how ya felt… I told ya to stop. Back then, I didn't understand why ya were tellin' me all that... why ya were openin' up to me… before…”
Talking about that night was difficult, but with Octavius holding his hands, Jedediah managed to compose himself. He looked down again and took a deep breath.
“… It felt like a farewell… three years ago…” Jedediah said, sniffling softly. “… I realize now I said those things because I didn't want to face the truth… that we were only museum exhibits. But…” He paused, lifting his head to meet the Roman General's eyes. “… I understand now that we're so much more than that.”
Looking up, Jedediah found tears streaming down Octavius's face. A soft chuckle escaped him as he gently brushed them away; then he took the Roman General’s hands in his own once more.
“… When ya pulled me outta that hourglass…” the cowboy began, his cheeks warming at the memory. “… I felt somethin'. My face got all flushed… and my heart wouldn't stop racin'. I kept tryin' to convince myself it wasn't real, but… beneath all that sand… I realized I'd fallen in love with ya.” He then gave him a warm smile. “… I probably should've figured ya felt the same way when ya asked me to hold your hand in the ventilation ducts at the British Museum.”
Octavius was visibly taken aback by Jedediah's heartfelt words. Yet he knew he truly meant them, and hearing him say them aloud tonight made the moment all the more meaningful.
Removing his hat, Jedediah met the Roman General's gaze.
“… I love ya, Octavius. Takin' your hand… was the best thin’ I ever did on that roof," the cowboy said, finally letting the tears stream down his cheeks again.
It was inevitable. Octavius wrapped his arms back around Jedediah, pulling him into a tight embrace. Theodore watched for a moment before nodding to Ahkmenrah. He approached the two miniature men, only to stop short, a puzzled look crossing his face.
“… Where's the box?”
That’s when he heard Dexter on Attila’s shoulder, making that usual sound that meant he'd pulled a prank, still holding the small box. Attila hadn’t noticed and shook his head.
The room erupted in laughter, including Jedediah, who shook his head, and Octavius, who covered his mouth. Dexter then jumped onto Ahkmenrah’s shoulder, and the pharaoh opened the box so Dexter could bring it to Jedediah and Octavius. Inside were two tiny gold rings, dazzling and perfectly sized for their fingers.
Theodore cleared his throat and gave a warm smile before speaking. “I think I already know your answer, but I must ask anyway.” He turned to the cowboy and the Roman General. "Jedediah, Octavius, do you vow to support each other, face every challenge side by side, and stay devoted forever?”
Jedediah and Octavius held each other's gaze, their warm smiles spreading across their faces. In perfect unison, they answered, “I do.”
Taking one of the rings, Jedediah gently slipped it onto Octavius's finger. The Roman General did the same, his hands trembling ever so slightly as he placed the other ring on the cowboy's finger. Tears continued to stream down his face, just as they had down Jedediah's moments earlier.
With a final nod and a warm, proud smile, Theodore declared, “Then, my dear friends, it is my great honour to pronounce you husbands. You may kiss.”
The moment the words left the former president's lips, Jedediah threw his arms around Octavius's neck and pulled him into a kiss, pouring every ounce of his love into it. Octavius wrapped his arms around his waist, holding him close as he returned the kiss.
The lobby erupted in cheers and applause as Manius raised his voice and shouted, “Fire!”
At once, the Roman soldiers and cowboys launched bursts of confetti from their cannons, showering the newlyweds in a colourful celebration. Kayce, however, struggled to get his cannon to fire. Noticing this, Manius stepped over to help.
As their hands brushed again, Kayce flashed him a playful smirk that sent a blush creeping across Manius's face. At that moment, the confetti cannon finally went off, startling Manius as a shower of colourful paper burst into the air.
Octavius took the opportunity to sweep Jedediah into his arms, drawing a laugh from the cowboy as his hat tumbled to the floor.
The newlyweds then turned towards Larry, who was applauding alongside Nicky. Meeting their gaze, he flashed them a smile.
Jedediah grinned and waved before turning back to steal another kiss from his husband.
After clapping his hands together, Ahkmenrah announced with a bright smile, “The party can begin! Nicky, start the music!”
With a nod, Nicky returned to the reception desk, set up his console, and began playing a lively tune. As everyone started dancing, the young man waved to the newlyweds. “Jedediah! Octavius! Come dance on the mixer!”
Glancing at each other, Jedediah tilted his head towards the vinyl records spinning on the mixer. A soft chuckle escaped Octavius as he carefully set his husband down and led him to the dance floor—the very place where their latest adventure had begun.
Now, a new one started, filled with the promise of an eternity spent together as husbands.
....
Author's note (2): Now you know why I told you about Manius and Kayce! x'3
I had fun writing this chapter! After all, after joining the NATM fandom two months ago, I realized that a lot of us think they should've ended up together.
So, this chapter's for all of you! ;3
Tomorrow will mark one month since I started writing this fanfic with the help of my planning.
I didn't write anything for several months, but thanks to this tiny cowboy and this tiny Roman general, I've rediscovered my love for one of my favorite hobbies!
There are only two chapters left in One Last Adventure! I hope you'll tune in for the next one! :)
Sorry if it's a grammatical nightmare. I wrote this intermittently between 4-8am
Nicky started 3D printing stuff for the miniatures, but when the others saw the kind of things he was making, they started asking Nicky to make them stuff. Ahk has an Axolotl fidget toy
They have movie nights. Nicky usually picks movies that are G-PG13. 80's movies seem to be a big hit.
Though there was one time Nicky made the mistake of letting Jedediah pick out a movie (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) while he dealt with Dexter and Rexy's shenanigans.
I think Jed would be a fan of horror movies. Everyone else's opinions range from "this is super cheesy" (Sacajawea) to "this will scar me for the rest of my life" (Octavius)
The events of Bill and Ted are canon. Every exhibit based on historical figures, that were also featured in Bill and Ted, remembers them.
K so I finished the Night at the Museum Trilogy w my bestie, and I just wanna dump some thoughts rn. No matter what I write next, I want you guys to know I did have a great time watching these my brain is just a grumpy critic when it sees unrealized potential of this caliber
Edit: did some googling, WTF DO YOU MEAN THERE'S AN ANIMATED MOVIE. WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME NOW I WANNA WATCH IT I LOVE ANIMATION plus I feel like these movies would work great in 2d
Incoherent unedited ramblings warning this is subjective territory I get very critical in some of these
1st movie:
Honestly the best one bc it has less characters and less subplots to show the writing's weaknesses (they're still very visible, but less so than in the next movies)
I say that while it adds an unnecessary love interest that should've gotten together with Sacagawea (Teddy you're kinda a creep sorry not sorry)
Larry was.. fine, I guess? I do like him sorta, but there is just something about him that doesn't endear him to me much. Maybe it's how formulaic his relationship with his son and love interest is (and also dude how stupid are you to give cavemen actual fire seriously)
The highlight was definitely the museum exhibits, I liked thinking about their daily lives.
I feel like this franchise suffers from not letting anything linger and breathe. It always cuts to the next plot point and that makes buildup and payoff less satisfying.
The janitors... exist.
JEDTAVIUS MY BELOVED (the only reason I watched the rest of the trilogy)
I which they actually translated what Attila said instead of just "foreign language"
It feels forcibly straight when I feel like everyone is some kind of gay, y'know? Even Larry, I get an inkling about him.
GIGANTOR
Ahkmenra can get it (I'm a sucker for Egyptian stuff, wish he had long hair tho, but that's just my bias)
Dexter can die in a ditch.
2nd movie:
Another kinda annoying thing these movies do, "Oh btw he quit offscreen and now he's successful but forget about that! No consequences later when he quits again!"
New museum! That's actually 19, but we only see like 3 of them, so I feel a bit disappointed.
Larry is an actual badass but can only flex when he'snotnthe story'sbiggest puncjing bag, but I do like to see him suplex a guy, even if their back n forth was so unfunny and unnecessary like this guy is never coming back what was the point of this you could've shown Larry being good at his job any other way
SO. MUCH. CGI.
I like what they do with the paintings tho, nice stuff
Forget the old love interest lady, let's make a historical person fall with our lead! That felt... gross.
The kid and Head Teddy are there, being non-entities really. I feel like Teddy's role and 1st movie arc was split between Amelia and army guy dude.
Amelia felt so superficial, in like 5 hours she falls in love with him? Manic pixie dream girl aahh (feel bad for her but GIRL how much time do you need to press a couple buttons PLEASE)
The villain is better than the 1st movie cuz you get more of him, but the climax isn't as bombastic to me, and they have a portal to another world! Also how TF did they get away with so much structural damage??? The other bad guys were there, but really those were the most evil minds in that place? Where tf is Hit- you know what actually its fine I'll ignore the fact a museum so big would definitely have smtg from ww2 in there I prefer it that way actually.
JEDTAVIUS MY BELOVED, THIS TIME WITH SQUIRREL
I like the other monkey, can we leave Dexter at the Smithsonian, please?
Man, they are just forcing these ladies to fall for that guy.
Ok, suuuuuure, no one's gonna ask how this stuff works.
3rd movie:
The stuff with the kid? Irrelevant really. It's so cookie cutter I literally couldn't care less. It would feel more impact full if I knew anything about Larry's family stuff with more sincerity, but the movies feel like they're forced to have a family problems subplots in their museum shenanigans movie.
I knew Lancelot would turn evil, but why does he look like Jed? And that other army guy from the 2nd movie too! Why does everyone look like Jed?
JEDTAVIUS MY BELOVED, THEY HOLD HANDS WATCH CAT VIDEOS AND WRITE COMMENTS TOGETHER THEY ARE MARRIED YOUR HONOR
Oh wow the janitors are back, maybe they'll be important aga-aaaand they're gone. Ok. See this is what I mean, these characters feel so disposable and the story doesn't hide it. Like, the ex-wife in 1, the night guard in 2, and so many more characters feel like they just stop existing after their scene is over, and nobody really changes tbh.
Ok but why did I feel the chemistry between Larry and McPhee? His whole "You gonna attack me?" Felt like he was trying to put distance between himself and a denied crush on Larry. And the hand on the chest??? I know what you are (and it could explain why he can't seem to have a long-term relationship with any woman the writers throw his way, he really needed a man!)
Why are all these people here? I get Teddy, he's always there in some way, and I guess Laa is in "obligatory new character gets screen time" land, but Attila? Sacagawea (as much as I love women)? Why are you guys here, the story would've been fine without them, and that's a tragedy of writing.
I thought Tilly would be Lancelot's Guenevere, and honestly I'd have settled for her getting with ATTILA over that caveman. Girl, get some standards PLEASE I AM LITERALLY BEGGING YOU.
Oh wow, the parents are even less utilized than I thought. And you mean to tell me that they could've just let the tablet get a moonburn and everything would've been fine? They could've found that out by accident.
Also Tilly's neurodivergent, screw you.
Also McPhee too.
Also Lancelot dude a tablet is not a grail, the grail is not the only magical thing that exists you should know this, thus isn't even the only time I felt like they only heard about Lancelot through a game of telephone. See this is how I know none of the writers read any Arthurian tale, and I only read the Green Knight!
Ok, Dexter is actually helpful this time around- aaand he's peeing on people again great there goes his likeability! And now he's dead ok uhh sad I guess?
Hugh Jackman. Bottom text. No but seriously tho why did no one freak out at the living statues????? Ok I guess forget about the fucking lions that everyone can see. Who cares about hiding the magic, if we ignore it happened we don't have to think about the implications and repercussions!
Ok, so here's a big change, everyone dead now, they made the choice for Ahk even tho he's supposedly a "man" now (the lack of character arcs for these guys is really hurting the story) but also for the entire museum back home. Ok, that's not douchey at all or whatever.
How did they even explain to the ppl in charge why there are new Egyptian artifacts in the museum permanently now? Also no way Tilly's dealing with all this well, she has no evil mentors to give her written instructions. Her job is now gonna be hell!
WTF WHY DID HE TALK LIKE THIS WAS THE ROMANTIC PART OF A ROMCOM TO A FUCKING MONKEY
WTFFFFFFF WHY IS HE MAKING OUT WITH THAT FUCKING MONKEY WAS THIS TRILOGY A SECRET ENEMIES TO LOVERS WITH A FUCKING MONKEY IM DYING WHY DID HE GO FOR IT LARRY STOP YOURE KILLIGN ME WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
What, he just quit again? And another time jump, we're not even gonna see him thrive as a teacher (how did he become a teacher in 3 years, he never went to college)
Ok, everyone's not alive anymore but look, they're alive for a couple months after years now it might be the last time but don't think about that, it's dance time! Also TILLY PLEASE DO NOT UPROOT YOUR LIFE FOR THIS MANBABY YOU KNOW ONCE THE TABLET GOES BACK TO BRITAIN YOUR BOYFRIEND IS WAX.
Oh wow, they're not even pretending like Larry's story mattered in all this, you dont see his life, how his son is doing after all that talk of plans, and he doesn't even get to dance in the credits with all his friends! Sad for him.
This is my least favorite one, it might not have a forced love interest but it has MONKEY MAKEOUT SESSION NO I WILL NOT LET IT GO BC WTF WAS THAT HE WENT FOR SECONDS WHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Jedtavius reigns supreme and they should get married, Sacagawea and her fangirl should kiss, Larry and McPhee need to develop feelings after a one-night stand and Tilly needs some fucking standards (probably get with Amelia)
This franchise would not have been better, but definitely more tolerable if it was more gay (jedtavius was like the one thing that kept me alive through this, and my bestie)
Dexter can burn in the fiery pits of Mount Vesuvius where he and his insufferable bladder belong.
