[ caution ] The writing below deals with insecurities about body image, so please don't read if this might be sensitive for you~（*＾-＾*）
For: Jung Jaehyun - NCT
Type: Drabble / Scenario
Mood: Angsty fluff
Word count: 785
Hope this helps make your day a little better Xx
| Thoughts are in italics |
He sat cross legged against the wall on the bed, with me in his lap and my legs wrapped around his waist. His hands resting casually on the small of my back. My one hand playing with his hair behind his ear, the other on his shoulder. We had stopped talking a few minutes ago, opting to rather just enjoy the peace and quiet.
I watched his face, carefully admiring each detail with an overwhelming feeling of adoration and love building second by second in my chest.
His eyes, a comforting warm brown, almond shaped. Not a blemish, wrinkle or pore to be found anywhere. His nose, round and button-shaped. His lips, a petal red colour... ears, like a sea shell....hair soft and shiny....His jaw....his neckline.... His collarbones.... His dimples.... toned chest... and arms....
He's looking at me too.... probably at my blemishes, and laugh lines ... my acne scars .... uneven eyebrows.... 3 day old hair .... dry lips .... tired eyes .... awkward nose .... not even my collarbones peek through .... and don't even get me started on my stretch marks and the extra pounds on my thighs..
My gaze trails from him to a spot on the wall above his shoulder, no longer able to look at him.
I'm so ugly , I repeat slowly over and over in my mind, each time slightly louder, each time intensifying the ache in my heart, as my expression visibly gradually drops from loving contentment to a zoned out, pained stare.
I'm so ugly....I'm so ugly.... I'm so ugly, now practically roaring at myself.
Why did I ever think I'm good enough for him? I must be delusional, absolutely beyond stupid to think I'd ever be able to be with someone like him... Either he needs to get his eyes tested because he can't see me clearly, or he's not aware that he's in a completely different league than I am... Heck not even league, we're playing a completely different game altogether...
"Y/n what's wrong? Why are you tearing up?" He asks gently, his hands now running slowly up and down my back.
"Hhm?" I snap out of it, and look back up at him. The roaring subsides, but the ache in my heart doesn't.
"What's going on, mmh?", He asks again with concerned eyes and a worried frown, pouting sadly.
"Oh nothing.... Nothing's wrong, don't worry about it." I try and fake a smile, and beg the tears I realise are dangerously close to spilling over to stay put. But he doesn't buy it.
"It can't be nothing...Tell me? Please?"
I can't tell him, petrified he'll see me like I see myself and realise he should be doing so much better.
So instead of saying anything, I attempt to unwrap my legs and and start the climb off of his lap, but he's not having any of it. Whilst repeating playful "no" s , he grabs my legs and repositions them to where they were, wrapping his arms around me tightly, leaving just enough room between us to look at each other.
"... Noo no no, you're not going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong."
I wanted to plead with him, scream at him, to let me go, to stop asking, to just leave me alone. But I knew he isn't doing anything wrong, he's sincerely worried and doing that would be hugely unfair towards him just wanting to show he cares.
So I relaxed in his arms, laying my head on his chest. He started petting me gently, starting at the back of my head, running all the way to my lower back, and back up again. He hummed a melody from a familiar song, the vibrations from his chest and his hands going up and down nearly rocks me to sleep for a while.
"Y/n, whatever it is that's worrying you so much, just know you can tell me okay? You don't have to if you don't want to, but I'm always here for you so whenever you're feeling ready..."
As drowsiness and sleep started taking over, his words trialed off in my hearing.
The last I remembered was ".. and I love you so, so much..."
And promising myself that no matter how feel about myself, I'm going to do my best to make him happy. He deserves someone who's confident and self assured, someone who doesn't ruin a perfect moment with insecurities or doubts, and someone who can tell him about their thoughts without fear of losing them stopping them from being honest.
And to give him that, I need to give something to myself first. So...
I'm loved.... I'm loved.... I'm loved....
Xx
Remember, you are loved and precious and beautiful and deserve to feel that way too! ♡
If I made a few errors with grammar or spelling, feel free to correct me~ Also, if you need credit for the photos used please let me know :)
[2:03] Long drives with Mark from a tiring day always feels like a reward, but not at this moment with the threat of rain and the lingering memory of his ex on your mind
"You didn't tell me she's that lovely…", you smile at the window, watching the dark looking clouds clump together to swallow up the remaining sunlight, "Had I known she would be that gorgeous, I would have at least put effort on my looks even just for today."
The cold breeze from the open window meets your face and you can't help but close your eyes. Mark keeps his eyes straight ahead, but his hands intertwines with yours tightly to at least try to assure you that 'it's okay, you're okay, I love you'. You nibble on your lips.
Today, you met someone who plays an important role in Mark's life. You made it through the day without feeling a bit of jealousy, even made sure to leave some space for her on tables and not stick to Mark throughout the whole thing so they could catch up without you sticking to him like an octopus. You spent most of the day with mostly your best friend Haechan, Johnny and Yukhei, but you're glad that Mark is catching up with a friend. Even if she wasn't just a friend before, it's clear to you that she is now.
She looked nice. Very pretty, with her long legs that complemented the short, flowy dress and the pumps she's wearing, compared to your short ones that you prefer to cover with jeans and a much more comfortable button-up. She wears her make-up nicely, her eye makeup a perfect symmetry and her long hair. She smells of flowers, her lips look perfectly hydrated unlike your chapped ones — how many times did Mark kiss her? — and her eyes shines like stars. Her aura screamed confident and sexy and fierce, contrary to your shy and gentle one. When they stand together, they look like a real matured couple — unlike you, who always looked like you're Mark's little sister when you two go out. You chuckle at your own ridiculous thoughts, the cold breeze freezing your lips a little. You sound jealous right now, but really, you're not. Maybe you're just insecure of yourself, but can anyone blame you? She looked just like his sweetest dream, she is totally Mark's ideal girl and the worst is that she is completely, utterly different from you — only one question is on your mind, "Why did you settle for me when you already had the best?"
The car comes to halt, and you snap back to reality and see the empty road. You feel his gaze burning on you, and you can't help but close your eyes and think of it all as just a dream. Maybe you can play it off as sleep talking, yes, maybe you could. At this moment, you don't want a confrontation, not when you're feeling this vulnerable, hell, you don't even want to look at him right now. Maybe you should've told your boyfriend that you're gonna hang out with Hyuck, catch up with your best friend, maybe cuddle and just sleep. You feel drained — maybe you did feel a little jealousy. And maybe it's what's draining you right now.
Contrary to what you expect to see when you open your eyes, you are met with his gentle gaze, and his once tight clasp on your hand is now firm but soft, as if you're a fragile little glass figure that needs to be handled with care — and really, that's how you feel right now — vulnerable, and nearing destruction.
Mark pushes the seat so it leans further back, and he leads you to the driver's seat to a straddling position. He fixes your hair, delicate finger tips scraping against your cheeks and he wipes a stray tear that you never even knew fell, "What do you mean? You're the best for me."
"But I am not," you shake your head, "Before we met… when I was just Hyuck's best friend and nothing else… he always rambles about you and your ideal girls. Long hair, tall, beautiful — just overall perfect… that's her," you take a deep breath, "and that's not me."
The sound of raindrops fill the place, and Mark presses a button to close the windows. He just stares at you intently, his eyes gloomy and full of regret, "Today must have overwhelmed you, Y/N. I'm sorry, I should've took things slower."
You swallow as he leads your head to nuzzle on his neck, and despite the unsettling feeling of the two things you hate — jealousy and rain — a sigh of satisfaction leaves your lips before they turn to a sad smile, he's walking around the topic, why? Whether it was the haze at this sad moment or the sad nostalgia this weather brings, you feel gloomier than the skies.
It was rainy when your parents separated, it was rainy when the dog you grew up with passed away, it was rainy when your Grandma looked at you in disdain at the glaring 89 of your Math test that should have been 100, and it was also rainy when you fell on your knees, tears on your face, screaming at how the world is so unfair — it was rainy when you decided to give it all up, only to stumble onto a pure ray of sunshine drenched in cold rain water. The only good thing the rain brought you was Lee Donghyuck, and he isn't even here to comfort you. Instead, you're looking at your boyfriend, in a confrontation between you and him and your jealousy that you don't even want to be in, and all your mind does is ask you, 'Is your first heart break going to be under the rain too?'
You hate rain. Maybe it was the memories, maybe it was the heavy atmosphere, maybe because everyone seemed to love it and you can't understand why — but at the moment, it was the silence. It hurts more than anything, you believe. Silence hurts so much, especially if in that silence you wished that person held you close and whispered all the things you want to hear in your ear.
"Do you ever miss her, Mark?", you feel sorry that you're doing this to him but you really can't stand it, the thought of trapping Mark in a relationship that he no longer wants, "D-do you wish you never left her?"
"No," is the sharp reply that escapes his mouth, "Yes, I missed her, but no, leaving her was the best thing I ever did besides joining NCT because it's one of the reasons that lead me to you," You push yourself up to meet his gaze, his expression screaming of confusion, or heart break — maybe both, "There's a reason I am dating you, Y/N. I wish I never had to hear these words from you, because you mean the world to me and hearing you compare yourself to someone else hurts me more than you could imagine — but I am sure it hurts you more. Have I done such a poor job at loving you that even through three years, you still feel like you're not good enough?"
Your head is already shaking even before he completed his sentence, a panicked no comes out of your mouth and you just don't know what to do so you place a finger on top of his lips to stop him from speaking, "No," you say in a broken voice, "You were good to me. You are good to me. But she… she's everything you would want — it's as if God customized her for you — and she's completely the opposite of me."
"Would it make you feel better if I tell you that I am with you for that exact reason, Y/N? Because that's the truth, and I hope it does", he says, cupping your face, "She knew my favorite food the first date. She guessed my favorite number the first try. She perfectly fit in all my ideals. She got everything correct, and at that moment, I believed we were soulmates."
Mark has always been the one more experienced between the two of you as he had more relationships before you — he is your first love, and it doesn't even matter if you aren't his. It's just a number, but when it comes to relationships and all the other things, he's more experienced than you and that makes you feel a little worried. Even if you don't want to admit it, you lost several nights of sleep thinking about this — how Mark might've been feeling like he's babysitting a child throughout this relationship, and how much of a newbie you act despite you dating for three years.
He laughs, still cupping your cheeks and your heart breaks again at the reminiscing look in his eyes. What have you put yourself into? How many times will you break your heart tonight? The moment over powers your hate for the rain, you closed your eyes and listened to the sound of the sad, loud and terrifying heavy raindrops because at this moment, you feel as though nothing is scarier than Mark choosing her over you. It is too possible. Whether it was the truth or just your insecurities whispering at you, you didn't care — it feels too right, it feels too possible.
"But you… I forgot my own favorite food when you looked so happy seeing yours and from then on I called it my favorite too. I was so full of you that my favorite number is the date of the day I first saw you," he chuckles in disbelief, "You barged into my life like you owned me, crushed all the ideals I set and changed everything I want to you. You made me rethink my reasons of declaring her my soulmate but you didn't have to replace her because you made me realize I never, never really gave her my heart to anyone like I gave mine to you, Y/N. You had me even before I met you, as if I knew that you'll come along, and saved every part of me for you," he strokes the side of your face gently, drying you of your tears, "You made my parents cry the night I brought you home, while you were fast asleep up my room, and they told me, 'Mark, you have such a lovely girl', made me promise to keep you forever and treat you right. Have I failed to do that, Y/N? Was I that lacking of love?"
You shut your eyes, no, you want to say, but you can't. It's like your paralyzed by his gaze and touch, his words making your heart flutter and shatter at the same time, "Because I can try again, be better, Y/N. I can be better. Until you don't even think about other people's names, until you remember how I love you the same way you can't forget your name."
"No, you're perfect, Mark," and millions worth or praises as well, but you don't want to say that. Not now, you'll save them for the next million years you'll spend loving him, "You're perfect and I love you. I won't trade this for anything else. I'm sorry for letting my insecurities get the best of me and I'm sorry for making you feel like your lacking, Mark, I'm—"
Your words get cut as your lips meet in a bittersweet kiss, the first kiss of today, one after a fight that could've torn you apart — this one tasted like honey, this felt like coming home, back at his arms. It's soft and insistent, warm and giddy and child-like in a way that is free. It felt like high school, it felt carefree, it felt so right that it's almost wrong. You smile at how similar it is to that one day in Vancouver, that one morning in Santorini, that night in Paris and this.
"I love you." He says with a peaceful smile as he pecks your lips on more time before he buries his face on your neck, "I love you so fucking much, Y/N, like my heart is so full of you and it's about to explode. I love you."
"Even if I'm a little bit insecure and a whole lot sensitive?", you ask him, basking in his warmth and you feel his lips curl against your neck as he says, "Yes, even if you're a little bit insecure, and a whole lot sensitive, love…"
You stay like that for a while, and the rain calms down as if it's finally sated. Several minutes were spent, lying like that, listening to each other's heartbeats before he decides that it's time to go home, the bright 2:36 am glares at the two of you alongside the 8 a.m schedules the two of you have. So, he starts up the car once he made sure you're wearing your seatbelt, and you have a sudden epiphany that his face is a better sight — even better than the city lights passing like a blur outside the car window. You smile to yourself, it's still an hour drive waiting for the two of you.
Even until then, he doesn't let go of your hand, and that's enough to keep your heart content. Mark Lee is always enough to keep your heart full, and you wouldn't have it any other way.
He is an idol and y/n is a music producer that only posts songs on soundcloud and works as a intern at SM. One day, she stays up late at the company doing her boss's work, and he ends up listening a melody and goes after it.
Chapter 7 / next
off: well with this quarantine thing I'm really up to continue and put this au on track to I'm thinking about post one or two times a week
