#need changes

[path0faythos]

Life isn't enough. I need more.

[mwsrwritings]

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[dark-lil-me]

I need changes,

I’ve been scared all my life, terrified of changes..

Younger, my mom couldn’t even move a piece of fourtinure in my bedroom! I would have been so disturb by it, not really knowing why, but it would bother me for weeks. Physical changes was never easy, mom use to said that I was "rigid to changes". A simple change, like painting the bathroom walls, could put me in a panic mode.

Growing up, I was so scared of not being accepted but at the same time I had already realized that I wasn’t.. I’ve always been a little of an outsider. I never knew why the other kids didn’t wanted to play with me, still don’t really know what I did to be honest.. I guess that I was a little bit extra, intense and different... But it doesn’t matter now, because I am not that scared little girl anymore, I don't shout or tense when people mess with me. It's wasn't my fault, I was scared, I had been bullied, I had suffered, I had been hurt.. At one point, I didn't even know if people were just being nice to me of making fun of me...

But I am not that poor thing that just wanted to blend in the wall anymore.. I never knew who I was and I'm still kinda trying to figure it out. And it's okay! Figuring out who you are takes time, patience and self-love. Who you are might also change with time! Because people, taste and personality can change! Even sexual orientation!

I am not that girl from two years ago, I am not that girly baby that only wanted to be like every one else and so deeply wanted to fit in the society mold.

In my journey of discovering who I was, I’ve learn how important every human being is, how important differences, visibility and representation are. I’ve also learn that I can have a voice! I just need to figure out how I can use it.

I’ve grown and evolveld so much and I'm proud of it. I've learn about so many things and I let go off my stereotypical thoughts. I’m not her anymore and I never want to be her again. I was so blind on the world, I had so many pre-construct thoughts. I honestly, sadly, deeply, disliked who I was.

This is why I need changes, massive changes, regardless how scary changes are for me, I want them! And I'm not talking about a new hair cut or  string of manicure done kind of changes. I need a life change! I’m just tired of living the life of someone who isn’t me anymore. I need to start living MY life, the life of someone who is accepting of others, who is open minded, loving, caring...

[relatiionshiipgoals-blog]

I want to make a fresh start in the New Year. No, I don't mean that "new year, new me," bullshit where people say they're going to change into a whole new person and never actually do so. Because I am proud of myself and the woman that I've become. I'm happy with my job, the weight loss that has happened to me is completely unbelievable, the people I work with can be pretty great too. I'm happy with the few friends I have. They keep me grounded and sane from the loneliness of having no friends at all. I'm happy in general. But what's bringing down my life, is my maturity. I choose to spend my money on weed and cigarettes and useless shit that I don't even need. I choose to leave messes everywhere and not clean up after myself and make my mother do my cooking for me. I choose to allow people to treat me the way they do all because I don't want to lose them. I choose to not wake up early enough in the morning to go to school and I haven't gone since November. I chose this life for myself. I chose to be a dysfunctional, bratty, stubborn child and I need to face reality already. I need to grow up and spend my money on important things, save up extra money and not spend it all 5 days after my pay check. I need to understand that I am not a child anymore, I'm almost a young adult(I'm 17). I need to make my own food and clean up after my own self. I need to know my own self worth in every situation that I'm in and stand up for myself and what I believe in. If I don't like the way someone's treating me when I've been treating them like gold, I need to value myself more than I do them. I need to grow up and make better choices for myself whether I like it or not. No matter how much I'd prefer not to be alive, so many people I know want me to be. So no, it's not the "new year, new me" bullshit. It's the "new year, improved me" that's more like it.

Myself lol.

[im-the-passionate]

3:00 pm

Alright, I just slept for a couple hours.. And that I want to take my bed out of my room, is honestly by far one of the weirdest idea I've ever had. I think I'll just remove some furniture, cause if there is anything I can't stand, then it's walking into a room that gets no changes at all. Maybe that's the reason why I avoid to sleep in there.

[princessmet]

I need something new in my life...

[dragqueensmoods-blog]

aaaargh I just wanna take a plane and go anywhere! New place, new people, anywhere!