#neededtovent

[guitypleasure052016]

Tired

Any good vibes y’all could send my way, I’d appreciate them. I’m so fucking tired. Every day is a damn battle that I’m tired of fighting. I want to rest for a while but I can’t rest. I can’t relax. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. Nothing feels ok and I’m worried it never will. I’m just going through the motions, trying to survive the day. People keep telling me I’m fine, that I’m still going to work and stuff so I must be ok. But I’m not ok. I’m so far from ok. I don’t know how to fix this and I just....I don’t know what to do anymore.

[sad-sassy-and-sarcastic]

It's been so long since I've written something that I feel like I don't know how to write anymore. It kinda makes me sad to think about and makes this heaviness in my chest worse. I feel like I'm losing everything lately: my faith in myself to make good decisions, my flexibility, my sanity, my ability to feel, and most unfortunately, the one I love the most. I'm not sure if it's my winter depression or if it's just that I've subconsciously given up on my self. I just feel like no matter what I do, it's not good enough. I can try as much as I want but it just never feels like enough. And to be told to try more or straight up told that it's not enough? Is just so disheartening. I always try to better myself, sometimes I change to please other people. I only do this because if who I am is good enough like they say it is, then why am I being asked why I am certain ways? I change because I just want someone to stay.. hell if I could leave myself, I would in a heartbeat. I feel like I'm always caught in my own mind and when reflecting on myself, I feel like I'm disappointed because who I was would hate who I am. And then it turns into the elaborate maze where I try different paths to find exactly who I want to be. But the result is the same as before. I hit a dead end, I see where my path has taken me and I want to go back to who I was before. Nothing ever feels right, ever. And when it does, it just hurts someone I love. Sometimes I believe I'm better off alone. And sometimes I feel like I'm not in a state where I deserve friends or relationships. I feel like everyone else would be better off without me. The people in my life would no longer have to worry about the girl who only does harm to herself and to those she says she loves. I can't help but feel like I'm just a chapter in their life story and that it should come to a close. With how numb I'm feeling, them cutting me off now would be the best time I feel like. In a way, this would be my new path, reconstructing a new life, a new me. I can't help but desire a clean slate. A way for me to start over, a way for me to try and do things right.

Pity Party, Party of One 🎉

[thatsthefuninyou]

Venting.

I am not the person who dwells on the past. There’s no point. But god. I wish someone older and wiser had given me a vision when I was younger about money. Guys material things that don’t bring in income or appreciate don’t buy into trends or fads. It all is a such a waste. Fast fashion. Brand new shiny cars. They are all liabilities. They do not bring you wealth!!! And they usually don’t make you happy.

Right now is prob the brokest I’ve ever been in my life. But I know it’s short term because the money being spent is an investment. An investment in my husbands college because I truly believe it will pay dividends in the future.

That all being said. This is the most stressed I’ve ever been. My credit card is so high, more than I as a numbers person, fiscally responsible, conservative accountant would ever have imagined. My job is not paying me my worth and I know that for a fact. I’m severely underpaid by at least $20K..... I mean life is stressful guys and money really just causes so much of the stress.

Our AC went out last week and we were told we prob have to replace it soon hahaha what a joke ( new ones approx. $5-10,000 dollars guys!!!). And today our microwave went out. I’m trying to be strong. But it’s just so scary right now.

For now all I can do is keep my faith that it’ll all work out eventually, be smart, and be grateful for the love of my husband and my fur babies that I have in my life. I’m still blessed, even when things are like this.

[mandathenurse]

Whining about the past.

Ok I want to vent a little story about my mom. My mom has always been a singer. Her dreams of being a famous singer were cut short when she became pregnant at 16 with the baby of the drummer in her band. She married the drummer and struggled to make ends meet. One of the ways they made extra money was to always be in a band. She was always singing. Me growing up watching her sing I too wanted to sing. She was so good at it, I wanted to be like her. I would sing all the time, in my room, at school, in choir and at church. Anyone who has spent a day with me know I love singing I sing all the time. But I could NEVER sing with mom. I would ask. A lot when I was little "can I come sing in the microphone?" I was always met with no. Because mom needed singing to be her thing. If I sang along with a song in the car, she would sing over me, because her voice was better she'd say. Well after a few years I stopped asking.stopped singing in the car when she was there, stopped singing in choir. Singing was private for me now. A love I kept to myself because mom never acknowledged it. Flash forward 18 years I have my own daughter. I sing to her a lot. We sing together. She loves to sing and she is pretty good at it. My mother can acknowledge my daughter's love of singing. Let's her sing in the microphone. Listen quietly when she sings along in the car. Gushes to her friends about how her granddaughter wants to be just like Grammy. "The singing gene must skip a generation" One day while helping her remember the words to a song we sing together in a video to send to grandma and grandpa. My mom watches it and says to me "Why Mandy, you have a lovely voice, why didn't you ever sing with me when you were little. I always hated that you didn't like to sing." I was speechless. My mom never noticed me singing. My whole life she didn't notice. I felt like the 8 year old asking to sing in the microphone and met with a quick no. It reminded me how much of my childhood was wrapped around my mom getting to finish hers. because she put it all on hold at 16. And sure I turned out fine, but I have no relationship with my mom. I'm just the mother of her grandchildren. I wish she would have let me sing.

[ewdontlookatme121]

If I was skinny literally all of my problems would be solved. So sick and tired of people telling me I'm overdramatic and beautiful the way I am. You think I'm pretty? Great that's grand but the way I see myself is the only fucking thing that matters to me so please just back the fuck off. If you're not with Me, you're against me and I really don't care to deal with that.

[jaimelynn72395]

Home

I'm so glad to be home where I belong. Florida was so stupid. Yes I had a good time but not talking to you or seeing you has been killing me. I'm so glad to be home where I can hold you all night and kiss you goodnight. The way you squeeze me tighter while you're asleep makes me smile. I'm so glad to be home where I can look into your gorgeous eyes and kiss your soft lips. Nothing makes me happier than kissing you. I'm so glad to be home but I'm scared ... scared that I'm gonna loose you. I'm too invested and in love with you to loose you. Im so glad to be home but I'm scared ... scared that we're both falling apart. If we don't talk about our feelings soon Im going to loose it. I'm so glad to be back home but I'm scared ... scared that we're going to push each other away. I don't know about you but I'm very good at pushing people away. I'm so glad to be home but I'm so scared to loose the most important thing in the world to me. I don't know if I could live happily without you. I love you with all my heart and I'm so glad to be home with you ❤️

[spaggeddie666]

FUCK

Honestly don't understand why shit has to go south for me, it's like I can't be happy without ruining things or having someone else start to ruin everything, people always running there mouth and trying to make me look bad.. I do plenty good enough job making my self look bad without help, I'm so fucking scared someday someone is gonna plant lies and ruin the one thing that I have that I love that is making me happy, I hate being such an easy target, I hate that I get shit on 24/7 I'm getting pretty fucking fed up with all this bs lately.... trying so hard to not let my demons out, my anger will get the best of me and I can't let that happen, I just want to be happy and make her happy without all the drama from others, is that so much to ask ? FUCK

[only1kendrett]

I'm ready to go tf back to school

I really don't get it when the stuff in my room bothers my parents or anything I do for that matter (and I'm not saying my room as in being smart cuz I pay rent or anything but while I'm here this my room). Why is me sleeping while I'm on break so bothersome?? I'm not asking y'all for nothing, I'm not having a whole bunch of ppl come over the house, I'm not going out every night and staying out like wtf is the big deal?? It bothers them that I didn't unpack my clothes. Like I take out what I wear out the suitcase and then I put it back in there and put whatever in the dirty clothes to get washed cuz guess what... I'm not staying here I gotta go back. And half the shit I packed I'm not gonna wear cuz I don't go anywhere. They knocking on my door every fucking 2 minutes and getting mad cuz I'm laying in the bed. All of a sudden they need me to wash dishes, set the table, do this do that. Like what was y'all doin when I wasn't here. And the I don't have a problem doing it, I have a problem with y'all telling me to do things with an urgency like our house go blow up if it don't get the done the second y'all tell me to do it. They get mad cuz I like to do things when I wanna do it. Like I was going to clean my room or whatever at 5:30 but no they want everything done now now now like it's gonna kill me or them if I wait a second longer. And when I say I'm going to do it they love to get all sarcastic and shit and be like Sure sure you're always about to do something and never do it. Sometimes I wanna be like i say that about my school work and guess fucking what a bitch gets it done, a bitch is going to graduate summa cum laude, a bitch has been making the deans list every semester since freshman year. Why? Because when I said I was going to do something I did it. Whether it was last minute or not I did it. Cleaning your room doesn't have a deadline. I'm not gonna fail at life if I don't unpack my clothes this second or I didn't set the table when u told me at 6 and we don't eat until 7. This that shit that make u be like as much as I don't wanna pay bills and shit I'm ready to move the fuck out this house so I never have to hear parents tell me what to do and when to do it over the simplest stuff again.