Not me just clocking right now that probably the two biggest reasons I have such an intense fear of abandonment and neglect is because on two separate occasions, my parents abandoned me.
First was my dad packing his bags and trying to leave and it was up to me, a child, to try and hide his suitcase so he couldn't leave me, and begging him to stay and not go and please don't leave me/us, and it looked like I broke his heart way he was breaking mine, but I think I failed to get him to stay and he became a trucker for an bit, or at least that's what my mom and dad's story was. He eventually did come back, but I think he just needed time away from us.
Another time was as a teenager, my mom put me and my brothers in an all-boys Islamic boarding school for like a year, and I/we begged her to bring us home and we were sorry, but she left us there and lied to us about the commissary/allowance we were given, which we found out rather depressingly when we tried to order a pizza.
I was also acting up (different situation, but probably same/similar age) and she was so exasperated with me and my abject refusal to go to dugsi because I was tired of being shamed and beat and tortured by the macaalins, especially that one who was racist as fuck and antiblack and said shit like if you turned off all the lights, all the black people would disappear and you'd only see our eyes/teeth. This was just one guy who was in charge of teaching us the Qur'an and about Islam. Lmao.
Anyways, I absolutely REFUSED one time to go, like God Himself could've come down and demanded it and I still would've refused, I was that upset and angry and sad and tired and frustrated and having an actual rare outburst where I would NOT budge, so she dropped me off at one of my grandma's houses and I just chilled there and hung out with my young aunts and uncles (one of whom was named Leila, and who was very funny and caustic like me), and just staying on their computer and doing stuff lol.
Anyways, now I'm realizing that my intense fear of being abandoned probably stems from these few events because they were so formative, and that got triggered recently when I had a falling out with one of my favourite friends whom I miss so much but their honestly valid choice just reaffirmed my fears because they pulled away after 15 years of friendship, and I'm trying to work out how to apologize and make amends because I miss him so much, and yet here I am vagueblogging about him instead of talking to him.
Being diagnosed with BPD makes so much of my life make sense, and it's not my fault I feel so deeply and overwhelmingly, it's not my fault I turned out like this, but it is my responsibility to manage it better than I did with him.
I need to get over my stupid stubborn pride and grovel for his forgiveness, because I love and miss my iconic friend. :(
