i wish i could Feel Something strongly about Anything. at any time, not specifically just christmas. it's getting old. and half of it is things i can't do anything about currently- financial barriers, family dysfunction, the sort of loneliness that happens when you and all your peers work a 9-5 and half of them have kids, feeling stunted in my adulthood... but i couldn't tell you if the other half is there being something wrong with my brain chemistry or not. i'm just plodding along going through the motions, but i go through them. would it miraculously be different if most of my problems resolved themselves? i go through the effort of, like, going out or decorating or planning or getting festive, drawing, working on a hobby, getting dinner with a friend... i buy things hoping they will trigger some kind of motivation in me to use them... and then i don't. i can't remember the last time i got excited about anything. am i depressed for real, or does being an adult just suck? i couldn't tell you what would make it better, what would make me happier. everything i think i want, whatever goalpost i set- getting a car, getting a 'better'/'real' job, changing a fucked up living situation, to incrementally move myself closer to theoretical independence.... it doesn't make things better in the long run, just different. i can't tell people what things i like or what i do for fun, or, i do and it's like... but you don't really do any of those things? yeah. like in theory, i enjoy these things i guess. i don't feel like i have an identity. i just exist and it feels very hollow. like we have moved on from imposter syndrome to identifying with the Void. not just a fake furry or a fake artist but like a very cliche metaphor about being a shell of a person. where is my substance, or conviction, or joy. people think i'm boring and they're right.
anyway. not being able to muster much to feel celebratory today got me down is all. it happens every holiday every year and i think, well, next time will be better. i only have so much time off and i spend so much time fantasizing about not being at work, and when i'm finally not at work it feels squandered every time. i'm tired.
