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Ten Characters I can’t help but Hate

A couple weeks ago(before I had to work four straight nights of over-night shifts and forgot about anything but work and sleep) I did a list of characters I can’t help but love(it’s true) and indeed planned to do the logical follow up of characters I can’t help but hate. This is basically a list of people who I never liked, and just can’t bring myself to. Some are actually okay characters over-all but by the time I learned of their redeeming qualities I had long ago stopped caring. Only rule here...no repeats between franchises.

10.Drag Queen- Twisted Metal 4

Let’s start with an easy one. Twisted Metal III & 4 are considered the weakest in the series by far(though by the time I understood this I had too many childhood memories to hate the games entirely) Even in 2000 this wasn’t considered funny or anything close to okay. On the surface Drag Queen was just a lame design and an unfunny attempt at humor. HE’S FAT!!! AND UGLY!!! AND HE DRESSES LIKE A WOMAN!! PLUS HE DRIVES A DRAGSTER! That alone is enough to put this guy on the list of bad characters period. 989 made things even more confusing by having a character named Drag Queen wish to be a Vegas Show Girl. Seems like a misunderstanding about whether the guy is supposed to be transgender or just wear dresses. Whatever he’s supposed to be it’s unfunny and a little offensive.

9.Madam Vivienne- Dragon Age Inquisition

I’ve gone an entire rant on Vivi before and don’t feel like repeating myself so just go here. If you don’t want to go there then I’ll summarize here. Being insulted and treated as inferior is not a good thing for a character who is supposed to be an ally and potential friend to do. In the past Bioware managed to balance characters like Bastilla, Silk Fox, Morrigan and Miranda so they manage to avoid being outright horrible characters, but Vivenne does nothing even remotely human and comes off as being bitchy for the sake of having a bitchy character in the roster.

8.Princess Penelope- The Simpsons- “One Apon a Time in Springfield”

Two things about this episode amaze me. One is that it rarely gets listed as one of the worst Simpsons episodes ever(though I doubt anybody would claim it was good) and two somehow Anne Hatheway won an Emmy for voicing this horrendous character. The basic plot of the episode involves using Penelope to drive up the girl viewership on the Krusty the Clown Show, and the Penelop segments are cringe worthy. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be feeling the same thing Bart is while watching where I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with my favorite show, but I do. In the end Krusty and Penelope fall in love or some stupid thing. I blacked out every time I’ve tried to watch this episode because the Penelope segments make me feel like a giant jackass.

7.E. Honda- Street Fighter II

I’m sure everyone has their personal least favorite Street Fighter(and I’m also sure most don’t come from the original SFII Cast) but with Honda I don’t know. For one thing I’m horrible with the guy(even worse than usual), his win pose in Street Fighter IV bugs the hell out of me for some reason, and there’s the fact that as a kid I could never beat the damn guy. For some reason even though he’s far from the worst, I’ve never been able to overcome this guy ruining my childhood by kicking my ass. Not really the fault of the character(and hey I already admitted he doesn’t suck) but doesn’t change the fact that I’m just not a fan of E.Honda.

6.Lars Alexandersson- Tekken

Now with E.Honda I have a personal bias against an okay character because of my own inability as a child, but with Lars...well he’s a legit bad character. Though there’s nothing wrong with his move list, which is the most important part, and hell even his story isn’t all that bad but design wise it’s just...well look at that hair. Looks more like Cloud Strife than Kazuya’s half-brother or whatever he is. The hair combined with the long cape(or scarf? whichever) combine to give Lars a distinct look, but it’s one I’ve always felt was out of place.

5.Carl “CJ” Johnson- GTA San Andreas

San Andreas is easily my least favorite GTA game(well not including the original PSONE GTAs which I never played). It’s a combination of things that drag the game down A few side activities were just lame and uneeded(dancing and low rider bouncing spring to mind), some things that should have been cool never worked out(car customization was a great idea but my pimped out cars always ended up smashed soon after being built), the difficulty was off the charts even with cheats(still have nightmars about following that train) and the story just wasn’t that interesting to me personally. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t care about the story that I never got a chance to experience CJ in full, but I found him to be an entirely dull protagonist and that’s part of the reason I didn’t bother progressing too far into the game. It would’ve taken an interesting character to get me to care about playing as a street thug and CJ just didn’t have it.

4.Sonya Blade - Mortal Kombat

I already pointed out that E.Honda isn’t a bad character even though I don’t particularly care for him, and some MK fans might be thinking the same thing is about to happen here...well those fans are wrong. Sonya is and always has been an incredibly generic addition to the MK roster. Most MK characters have memorable moves, costumes, fatalities, personalities, and a shit ton of ways to define themselves, Sonya is defined by being....a girl...who was in the first one. All of her famous moves and fatalities revolve around being a female and prior to MKX pretty much everything about her revolved around the fact that she was a female...with huge boobs who wears tight pants. Being a girl is not a personality trait.

3.Zatanna- DC Comics

When Netherrealm Studios opened up a poll for the final DLC character for Injustice it seemed automatic in my mind that Darkseid was finally going to sneak in, but I was dead wrong as Zatanna dominated that poll and then dominated a poll for the most popular DLC character after that. I was and still am left wondering what the hell the big deal is here. I was willing to give Zatanna a chance even though I’d never cared for her as a comic character but was optimistic that maybe the game appearance could get me to open up to the character, but again it fell flat. Maybe it’s the uber annoying voice of Lacey Chabert(the automatic winner in any hot person weird voice contest ever)?

2.Miranda Lawson

Miranda’s main appeal is pretty damn obvious. She’s hot, and Bioware was not shy about throwing that in your face(specially in 3 where it seems like her ass is trying to eat her suit). Beyond that some people respond the her cold bitchiness but it rubbed me the wrong way. I was hyped for the character as before ever playing Mass Effect 2 I knew who this was, she gained some level of prominence but was disappointed that she didn’t do much more than talk down to Shepard, and to Jacob, and to Tali, and to ED-I, and to well...you get the idea. Anyway Miranda does eventually redeem herself; her personal story with her family does a great job of humanizing the character but unfortunately by that point I was kind of turned off the character permanently.

1.Nova (Sam Alexander)

Oy this guy. It’s hard for me to be objective when discussing the “new Nova”. Marvel killed Richard Rider replaced him with a Spider-Man wannabe then made a far bigger deal out of Alexander than they ever did of Rider which basically means that unlike Steve Rogers, Peter Parker and Eddie Brock there’s no guarantee that Rider will return because Marvel has done a lot in so far as making Alexander a big time character when Rider was always relegated to the B-team in Marvel’s pantheon. Is Sam Alexander actually a bad character? I honestly cannot answer it, because it’s hard to be objective when one of my favorite comic characters was not only replaced but replaced and then giving a marketing blitz that the original never got.