#nlml

[recoveringseeksorrow]

also, clerical note - i continue to call them “fp” even though they’re not my fp anymore just for clarity. cos i never gave them a codename or anything that’s not FP, and i don’t wanna, say their name or anything. it’s just been too long running this blog to just, switch, like that.

also i don’t think i’ll FP another person again so i think we’re safe

[recoveringseeksorrow]

ah - i just freaked out and went back to fp’s blog because i saw someone’s art style look a lot like theirs. it was weird, they’re, so very much the same person it seems. i don’t even know how that’s possible...

[recoveringseeksorrow]

something is battling in me to miss you, even though right now i don't need you i mean i do need you - i mean i don't i can take care of myself - no i need you - i don't -

[recoveringseeksorrow]

OH MY GOD I MISS THEM FAR TOO MUCH

I CAN’T DO IT I LOVE YOU

[recoveringseeksorrow]

it’s nice having people in my life who don’t know what’s happened to me

it’s nice having people in my life who don’t know what i’ve done

[recoveringseeksorrow]

eventually, years later, i can look at the sky again, without feeling eclipsed by my love and heartbreak

[recoveringseeksorrow]

i fucked up. it was my fault.

i don’t know why i couldn’t just accept it. after the break up i found it doesn’t bother me anymore. like i’m not triggered by it. i guess it was only because it was them.

space was a big thing for me. i loved space! my whole thing was there was this one teal nebula that i would use for every avatar and it was a whole thing. but then they said “i am space” and it was like it wasn’t mine anymore? and then i developed astrophobia?

there was one time when i saw a pair of snow leopard print socks in the store and i almost hyperventilated. god why did it bother me so much? why couldn’t i just be alright? cause it doesn’t bother me now. why couldn’t it not bother me then?

because i know they broke up with me because of my trigger. i know. because they said something like “there are people who won’t respect me as a nonbinary person and i’ll never be able to forgive them” and a bunch of things about respecting them as a whole person not just parts of a person leading up to the break up. so i know

i know and im sorry and i don’t know why and i wish i had a fucking time machine

great now i’m crying

[recoveringseeksorrow]

i think about them all the time. ALL THE TIME, and it sucks, because i don’t want to cry

but lately it’s cold and i can only remember how i’d be arguing with them about whether cold weather was good or not. i might’ve shown them the picture of the frost i took, to prove it does get cold down here, and also that it’s terrible and bad. and they would’ve said i’m a monster and i would’ve said yes. i would say i’m made of magma and they would’ve said i can’t believe you