#noa rants

[shed-some-light]

abbvie can eat my entire ass i just want a damn sharps container

[hangman--seresin]

How come we be back on this bullshit of ‘if you haven’t watched F! since you were born’ or ‘if you can’t name the podium of the 1976 Monaco GP’ that you are not a real F1 fan? 

Mate, I only started watching a full season in 2017, does that make me a fake F1 fan? Of-fucking-course not! 

Sure DTS made sure we got a lot more fans, but shouldn’t we be happy ‘bout it? Same with Lando bringing more fans in 2019. A lot of these so called true f1 fans only started watching bc Max. 

My point: People need to stop whining about there being new F1 fans who don’t know everything about F1. Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.

[pringlesdiary]

Back from vacay.

He’s a mechanical engineer.

That’s only relevant to the story in that I have to decide a few things in relation to him.  Number one is as follows: 

1. He may be a nerd, and that may be why he isn’t asking for my number.  Nerds are notoriously shy.  After our sort-of date last Saturday (where he just asked me if I wanted to stay out later than our friends and get one more drink with him), he may have just assumed we were hanging out casually and just getting to know each other.  Hence, not texting me in order not to be too forward.

2. He may have gotten turned off by something that I said.  Did I accidentally badmouth his best friend?  Did I talk too much about myself? I honestly can’t remember.  But that may be why. 

3. I have to decide if he is shy, and if he is, I have to decide if I’m going to make the first move.  I think I should, but after we all go out again.  Then, I have to decide if I’ll put him into a double date situation unwillingly, and if he’ll be turned off by me doing that, even by accident.  Unwilling double dates might be the worst thing ever. 

I have a lot of decisions to make.

[pringlesdiary]

he doesn’t like me.  okay.

I’ve thought to myself all week how unfair it is that he doesn’t like me.  

And maybe it is unfair, but at the same time, I don’t know what was going through his head Saturday night.  Maybe he liked me but not “like that” (even though that’s such a high school thing to say).  Maybe he just didn’t feel a connection. 

And I could get so mad and sad but what’s the point?  I mean, yes, it sucks that I finally went on a date with a guy (who probably didn’t really think it was a date) and I didn’t really affect his world all that much.  I always like people more.  That’s kind of my thing.  And the fact that he isn’t trying to get in touch with me or message me or friend me is, yeah, frustrating...but I seriously have to move on. 

And I can’t take things so personally.  I can’t look at this and be like ‘Fuck, I’m never going to meet my soulmate.’  Because it’s one fucking dude. 

Even though I really, really, liked him, I HAVE to move on if he didn’t feel the same way. 

[delegara]

Ugh. I'm just really upset with like, how little I seem to be trusted. I like to think I'm fairly trust worthy, but then I'm not given the chance and its just like ??? And I tried to explain why this is and things that I've noticed that are making me feel this way just to basically get slapped in the face and have it brushed off as not important. 

I don't need to know everything, but not telling me specific things just means that I can't do the one thing to help make it better; and that's to not make it worse. I can't help you with depression or dysphoria, but if you don't tell me that you're not happy that day, and maybe what's causing it (ie; I'm upset today because my dysphoria is bothering me) then how am I supposed to keep from making it worse? I know I'm someone who will question it (why is it bothering you? what's up?) but its not like I can't work on that to just say "ok, cool. Thank you for telling me, I'll be mindful of that today."

And I also really fucking hate how much attention this person is getting like, I don't feel like I got that much attention when we were a thing, and then when we're not, I get ignored and treated like the bad guy and when I try to fix things, it just gets worse because it turns into a squabble and its like I just want to burn anything and everything that relates to them and throw all that shit out because I'm so fucking tired of everything being about them and basically getting treated like nothing. I hate that when we were dating, no matter how hard I would try, you refused to let me help you attempt to feel better and then when I point that out as why I feel like you don't trust me, you just yell at me that you can't fix depression. NO FUCKING DUH THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO. 

Fuck. I just feel like I'm being horribly lied to and that the reason the break up happened was for different reasons than was stated, that I wasted a good portion of my time and feelings and that the reason why I don't feel like anyone loves me or will ever love me is because the one person I thought loved me, who I thought trusted me and that I could trust them was ripped away from me and that's nto fucking fair. Its not fucking fair that I basically get treated like trash and shit and you say you want to be friends but I just think that's complete bullshit and I don't know how to deal with this shit anymore or make it better.

Not to mention that anything that they do that I did doesn't even matter because "Omg they're so great look at how awesome they are! Aren't they the sweetest?" Sure. Sure. Lets just forget the things I did that were PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME while we were dating.

This is why I don't date people. Because I get used and people don't fucking appreciate me and its fucking stupid.

[delegara]

And now I’m back to not being excited to leave.

I feel like I’ve wasted my time and money and am not going to have a good time. I could’ve used the funds for school, but I wanted to travel and have fun.

But now it just feels like I’m forcibly being pushed out of everything and no ones considering or even remembering my existence. I have no way to contact any of them at the convention, and from the sounds of it, I’m going to be alone the entire convention. I ask for help and I don’t get it because plans were made without me.

I’ve half a mind to drop out of the masquerade, but I’ve worked so hard on the costume and the skit, so I know if I do I’ll be upset and mad at myself, but I honestly don’t know what else to do so that I feel included. Because right now I feel like I’ve literally been told that no one is going to make time for me, or support/ help me in anything.

[queerpotato]

i just want my mother to leave me the fuck alone. she gets pissed off when i freak out when she touches me?? i clearly don't want to be bothered today?? i thought i made that clear earlier. but nooo you're going to touch me and fucking freak out and yell at me when i move away?? it's not like i actually fucking kicked you?? and if i did i didn't mean to. haha and you say i'm like my dad? fine, okay i'll start acting just fucking like him and see what you think then.

[queerpotato]

i guess i'll start with how sick i've felt for like the past three days. i absolutely hate being fucking sick and i don't know what caused it? normally there's a reason but... plus i'm emetophobic and just slightly feeling sick to my stomach makes me panic and that just makes it worse. luckily, i haven't thrown up but like... one second i'll be perfectly fine and the next i have to stop everything i'm doing and just close my eyes and try not to panic...

also there's a lot of shit i should be doing for school but i can't be bothered to do it? like i have to do like 6 or 7 projects for social studies and i haven't really started on any of them. at school i'll be all like "oh! i'm definitely going to do this when i get home." and when i get home i don't do shit but get on my computer and "waste my time". i hate it. i can rarely ever bring myself to do anything early. i always wait till the last moment. oh. also i have hw that's actually due tuesday for social studies and we were told that we should really do it over the weekend but i probably won't. fuck. i hate procrastinating but i can't help it. 

on top of all that, a lot of shit is triggering my depression and self-hate lately... it's not really anything in particular... just like... someone can make a comment about something/someone/me and i immediately fall into the state where i feel like i'd be better off dead? another thing i fucking hate. and the thing is if i tell anyone they're gonna think i'm suicidal. but i'm not? i'd just like to die. i don't want to kill myself and i doubt i'd ever be able to do it anyway. i'm too much of a coward.

then the whole fucking relationship things... like i would really REALLY like to date someone but i feel like i'd be a shitty girlfriend. and that i don't really deserve it? i'm really bad with relationships and i honestly rarely have feelings for someone long enough to even end up in a relationship with them. the last two people i had a crush on lasted for about... maybe a week? i don't think it would be fair for me to get into a relationship only to not have feelings for the person a week later...

also i just want to be recognized for something? okay, no i take that back. i just want people to talk to me? and be my friends. or just even act like they care... i don't really care. i'm usually a solitary person but lately i've just wanted to talk to people and i've been trying but i feel like i've been annoying the few people i have been talking to ; A ; i don't want to be the first one to start a conversation for once? i don't really know if that makes any fucking sense at all but...

sigh i really wish i could just stop being so insecure and letting small, petty things bother me. but no matter what i do it just gets worse? 

i

don't

even

know

how

to 

continue 

this.