Regrets... I've had a few.
In my testimony post that has yet to be published I specify that I won't refer to my ex by name. I know everyone knows his name but I will only refer to his by using pronouns. He doesn't deserve the dignity of even being referred to by a name. That constitutes him as being a human being. That he is not. At the end my testimony i explain that I just don't have the strength to fully go into what happened this last year. It's too painful, still so fresh and the wounds are still so raw. But right now im having a lot of emotions regarding one particular thing. A few good things have come from my relationship with him. Obviously Lila Joe is the best thing. Sure there were good times and memories. But I also made a best friend. Anne Marie. She's my sister, my person. No matter what the issue has ever been I can always go to her. Tell her my deepest and darkest secrets. She never judges me or turns her back on me no matter how frustrated she gets with me because of the situation. We have been through the ringer together. She sadly had to witness countless beatings he gave me. She tried to stop him every time. She cleaned my wounds. Got me ice and let me cry on her. She let me "be the victim" as he would say. Go ahead and cry. Play the victim. It was your own fault. You made me do it. I didn't play the victim because I was the victim. Thankfully I had her to be my support when I had no one else to turn to or to trust to tell of how bad things really were. There is one other person I met this last year that I hated her guts and she hated mine but we realize it wasn't because Us that we hated each other. It was because of him. While he was still in prison he met her online and faked feelings for her and made her fall for him so when he got out he would have a place to stay, so he wouldn't be homeless. The entire time he's working her over he's promising me the world. Promising me our family. That he's going to get out and work and take care of his girls. God how I loved when he would say that. "His girls" Lila Joe and I were his. He staked his claim on us because he loved us, loved me, and wanted us. No one else could have us. Eventually. I found out about her before he was even released. I tried to tell her look we are going to be s family. Please just back off. He's going to just use you. I tried to warn her. I was told okay! She was no longer in the picture. I was relieved. He got out and I saw him the second night he was out. I was under the impression he was staying with a friends aunt. That night we spent together was amazing. To finally be with him again. In his arms. Feeling his touch tasting his kisses and feeling his lips on mine. He cried so much that night because he missed me so much. It was amazing to be together again. What struck me odd was he kept telling me in the end it's always going to be you. I will always have you you will always be mine. We will be together in the end. I couldn't understand what he meant exactly by that. He was supposed to meet her the next day. She was blowing up my phone because she hadn't heard from him since he was released. He admired this to me and said he changed his mind. That seeing me again made me realize that faking it with someone else wasn't worth risking losing me. He loved me too much. He ignored her messages and ignored her calls on my phone. We just enjoyed the night together. The first night in two years we were together again. I'll never forget how nervous I was to see him. This would be the first time we had seen each other since I face birth to our picture perfect daughter we always dreamt of. The excitement of pilling up to meet him. That night was magical. I had a new found hope in our future together. If I only truly knew what was in store for me I honestly would take it back in a heart beat. The next day came and he went on his way and I went mine. He promised I would hear from him soon. I didn't. She didn't. Where did he go? He posted on Instagram and facebook. But didn't return my messages. I finally found a phone number for him and called it and it was a different woman's number. There was ANOTHER woman. We were both dumb founded. We had no idea. We bonded over this. We quickly realized what great friends would could be. How similar we were. How great we got along. This was short lived because the devil himself decided to pop up again. He missed me. He was so sorry. He wanted to see me again and meet his daughter. He wanted to explain everything. I arranged for us to go away for a weekend so he could meet Lila Joe and we could be together. For whatever reason it had to be a secret from both of these other women. He needed them for a place to stay. For them to buy him things he needed until he could get on his feet and we could get a home together. This was truly a rough couple of months. Why I agreed to go along with this I will never know. Very quickly this mystery woman, Kristen, figured out his game and she gave him the boot. So now it was just this other woman that if he wasn't in the picture we would be such good friends. For months we battled each other. To me he told me he was faking being her boyfriend so he wasn't homeless. That even though his body was with her his heart and mind was with me and Lila Joe. To her i seemed like a crazy baby mama that just wouldn't let go and was trying to steal her boyfriend. But what was I supposed to do? Let the love of my life live on the streets? To me this was me being a real ride or die girlfriend. Dealing with this pain on a constant daily basis. They would fight so much because he would constantly chose to be with Lila Joe and I on the weekends even if she had off. In my head I truly believed she HAD to know what was going on but she was just too stupid and insecure to care and she put up with it. I had complete disregard for her feelings because he was MINE. he was MY man, he was really MY boyfriend and he was just using her. We only had to make it a few months until our apartment was ready. It was all lined up. He was working flipping this house and I was working at the churches preschool. He spent all of his money taking me and Lila Joe out. Giving me gas money to drive to him multiple times a week so we could be together. I banked all of my money to get us into our apartment. All the while this poor woman was hurting because her boyfriend kept leaving her to be with his ex, his baby mama. He lied to her so much. That he was out with friends not me. That it was always just to see the baby. So many times Lila Joe wasn't even with us. Any time I would start to feel bad for her she would do something that would make me not care anymore. Little did either one of us know that he had met and started another relationship with a dirty, low life woman he met through his friend. His friend met her online and saw what filthy trash she was and he wanted nothing to do with her. But not my boyfriend. Nope. He was okay with his friends sloppy seconds. What makes her even worse was the first time that she met him I was there. Her and I got along great. She was there to meet his friend. She told me what a beautiful couple we were. She wanted that with his friend. I told her not to worry that it would workout between them. Give it time. So weeks later this nice girl that I met with my boyfriend who was jealous of our relationship started sleeping with my boyfriend. Se was his side chick. She knew it and didn't care. That's how trashy she is. She knew he had a real girlfriend with a child and was moving into our apartment and she knew he had a fake girlfriend he was using so he wouldn't be homeless. Everyone says I can't blame her because it was his choice to cheat and have this affair. Yes. They are right. It was his choice. He saw her as freedom as fun. As easy money. She showed him a good time. Going out too parties and clubs and bars. Drinking and doing drugs again. Not the boring life that he led with his fake girlfriend and her two kids or the boring life with his real girlfriend and his own daughter. We are stressful because we were work. We were responsibilities. He doesnt like having to be responsible. Later on once the affair was exposed he told everyone that she was a skeezer with open legs and an open wallet. She paid forecer thing and had sex with him and kept it all a secret. Finally his fake girlfriend had enough and gave him the boot. Luckily it was only a week before we moved into our apartment. I'll go more into what happened after that later. But this post is about my regret for being apart in hurting this woman. Now we are very good friends. We are soul sisters. But she is very damaged from the entire experience. She was used and he did verbally abuse her. The damage he did to her she is still reeling from. She still has trust issues with men and insecurities. She doesn't blame me or wish harm on me. She doesn't relish in the fact that he carried on his affair with this woman for months and months and eventually when he knew I was just about at my end point he left me and lj for her. He abandoned his family for his easy side chick. That to me shows a lot of class. If I were her I would hate me. But she realizes that I was played as much as she was and I was hurt as well. I'm glad that her and I have been able to become such good friends throughout this horrible experience. Tonight we were talking and she told me the only good thing that came from this with him was you. That made me feel good and hurt at the same time. Even though I told her about him and i while everything was going on and she continued the relationship with him, so did I. I am responsible for this woman being damaged. I feel awful for that. I think about it and me having done to her what I did was not much different then what the side chick did to me. The only difference was the lies that he told me. I justified it because we had been together for 8 1/2 years. We had a child together. She should have known better, she knew what was going on. But looking back now it doesn't matter. It still hurt her and I knew it. What I take from this is there has to be a point in life where we have to wake up and realize that the things we do does hurt other people. Regardless of what the reasons are for doing what we are doing. God tells us to love our enemies. To love and respect each other. I prided myself on being s Christian at the time. But how Christian like was i being? I wasn't. I was a hypocritical Christian that's what I was. I let God down. If I i were him I would have turned my back on me. But he didn't because that's not what God does. He loves us and forgives us. That's what he does. He is an almighty loving and forgiving God. He gave his only son for our sins and we should be thanking him every single day and glorifying his name and image. Yet we slide and make mistakes and disgrace him. On earth there are people that don't forgive us for these transgressions. They judge us and hold it against us for what we have done. That's what makes God better then us. He loves and forgives us for shaming him and falling short of his glory. I can never take back what I did to my new friend last year. I can be thankful for her forgiveness and we can move forward to be better and stronger woman and mothers to our children. We can show our daughters what strong women do and don't put up with from a man. She can teach her son how to truly treat a woman with love and respect. We have learned and grown from the experience and luckily we came out of it on top with a beautiful friendship. We are both very damaged from it and have wounds that will take years to heal, but we have each other to lean on and cry to. Thank you for being my soul sister. I love you! Xoxox