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Bandaids

I thought it had been along time the last time. It’s been almost two years. What a two years it has been. So many highs and lows. Ups and downs. Life is truly a rollercoaster. I hate rollercoasters and they scare the crap out of me. To say life doesn’t scare the crap out of me would be a bold faced lie. I never know what each day will bring. Sometimes it’s the same thing day in and day out. Lacking any adventure or excitement. Other days there is so much going on I can’t wait to crawl into my bed at the end of the day. Either way it is I know I’m alive and living the life God has written for me. The journey might not be pleasant but I’m faithful and hopeful in the end He will deliver and it will all be worth it.

Something I’m learning to accept is that it’s okay not to be okay. I’m reading a book of that same title right now. It’s hard for me to read but it’s real. It makes me feel things and accept things that I don’t want to. I don’t want to remember the pains of life. I don’t want to accept that I’m broken and it’s okay to be this way. I’m really good at putting bandaids on things. Temporary fixes. But I know I’m not healed. It’s a matter of time before that wound is infected because it’s not fully healed. Mu heart and my soul are not healed. I hit a moment when I feel that I don’t need God or anyone’s help because “I’m good”. I’ve got a job. Or a plan or a boyfriend or friends. I’ve got my daughter. The rest will fall into place. Right? Wrong. None of those things actually will heal me. Only God and my own patience and self work will heal me. They may feel great at the time. Replacements to fill the emptiness inside. But until I fully get real with myself I won’t truly be happy. I’m constantly struggling to get those thoughts the ememy has put into my head out. Whether it’s man or Satan that puts negative and hurtful thoughts into our head it’s ultimately us that has to look to God and his love to get them out. No man or friend can fill that void. I’ve lost that sight in the last year.

I’ve drifted away from God and I found myself broken again. I found myself laying in bed each night crying and cursing God. He forgot me. He let me down again. He hasn’t done anything for me to help make me happy or better. I would say to God I’m not good enough for him. He didn’t love me enough. Other people were better than me. They didn’t have babies before they were married. They are better Christians than I am. Just better people. But did he really leave me? No. He has always been with me. Even when I probably don’t deserve him. I’m honestly not a nice girl sometimes. I surprise myself sometimes with how mean I can really be. I have to step back and evaluate myself. Gia, girl you are a mean girl. What’s wrong with you. I don’t know if I’m the only one who has done or felt that way before. But I know God’s love is forgiving. His grace is the best medicine to fix and heal the brokenness. He has been right beside me fighting for me. Waiting for me to wake up and realize he is there. I’ve woken and I’m determined to walk this walk this time and receive his blessings. I don’t know what the future holds for me. But I’m hopeful that things will be okay.

I’m not naive to think that one person or thing can come into your life and fix all the brokeness. It may just be a light to show me that the end of the tunnel is bright. A beacon to lead me back to God. Like GPS. This way back to your journey of healing. I’m okay with the bandaids I have in my life right now. Some I will definetly rip off, throw away and put on a new one because they Aren’t good bandaids. But others I would like to keep around. My journey is far from over. I’m so scared to see what happens tomorrow but I’m ready for it. I’ve learned recently I am too concerned with making everyone else around me happy and that’s what stresses me out so much and ,always makes me so miserable. I am working on taking it easy, not worrying so much and just letting things happen as they happen. But listen I’m not perfect. Ha. I’m needy and codependent as anything so I’m constantly seeking approval from others. That’s why I’m so great. I’m a beautiful disaster ha I’ll get there one day. One day at a Time. I am determined to set time aside for me every single day to feed ,y soul. Whether it’s reading Gods word or worshipping him. Reading a good book. Listening to good music. Taking a drive or a long shower. Whatever. Just a short amount of Gia time. I deserve that. I deserve a lot of things and no one can give it to me but me. With Gods love and Grace I will get where I need to be. Until then it’s just waking up tomorrow and seeing what the day has in store for me. I’m ready for it. Stay tuned!

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One Year later...

It has been some time since I Have updated! I did not realize how long it has been! but what a year it has been! This time last year I was making the hardest, most difficult decision of my life, which turned out to be one of the best. I needed to get help with how unmanageable, sad, chaotic, and destructive my life had become. I was at the lowest I could be. I was crying every day, multiple times a day. I was in an incredibly TOXIC and volatile relationship which was incredibly Physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. I was so depressed, I hated myself. I was self medicating just to get through the days. It was so fake how "happy" I was. for so long, I was fake social media happy.

I had days where I was actually happy. But it wasn't real. The days that were real happiness faded away quickly. I was living on hopes and dreams of a perfect family for my ex, my child and myself. it was NOT going to happen. Deep inside I knew it. But I did NOT want to admit it. My family and closest friends could not stand me. I was half blind to how horrible I really was to be around. I was bitter, mean and nasty. I had no patience for anything. I was nearing the end of my rope of just saying "forget it!" I am done trying and I am just going to live how I can get by day to day. I was never at a point where I wanted to kill myself. Let me make that clear. I did feel that if God were to take me, I would have been okay with that. I felt that my daughter would have been better off without me at that point.

I was no good to her. I was physically there but I was not mentally there for her. I went through the motions with her. I bathed her and fed her. she was clothed, she had toys. but I didn't go out of my way a lot of the time. I carry a lot of shame and regret for that. I know that was not me, it was the state of mind I was in at the time. I know I love my child more then myself or anything or anyone else in this entire universe. I would do anything for her, and I did. I made that choice to leave her FOR her. So I could be the mother I needed to be. I was bouncing checks, and not paying bills. Mooching off of my parents with not guilt, or remorse. I was careless. I had never been away from her for more then a few hours at night when we were sleeping. Leaving her was the most difficult thing to do, and as I sit here I have tears in my eyes remembering that pain. But I am glad I did it.

I went through a detox facility that helped me get all of the medications I had been taking out of my system. I am not going to lie, this was the best and easiest part of my time away. I was heavily medicated in the beginning to remove the medications safely from my body. I didn't feel any pain and it was wonderful. At the end when I had nothing left, I felt the pain and it started to get real. Once I started the real treatment it was incredibly painful.

I encountered many different types of people in my journey. Some were wonderful, and some were truly awful. There are good and bad people in all situations and we always have to deal with them. I was so raw and exposed at this time I had no freaking clue who the hell I was. I look back now and think what the heck did you do Gia?! I allowed people to mistreat me because I was scared, I was away from home and out of my comfort zone. I was being pushed to feel things I didn't want to. it was a raw time in my life, broke me to the core. but I pulled myself from it and I am glad I experienced it. I would never and will NEVER go back, haha! but lesson learned that I thought my life was really bad and I was at the bottom. I had no clue! many of the people there had it way worse then I did and were struggling much more then I was. I was very fortunate to grab this early on before it progressed to be worse. before I lost my child or lost my life. it was eye opening to see how I never wanted my life to turn into. I am grateful to each and every person that I encountered during my journey. whether they were nice or mean, they taught me something about myself, and about people. they are a piece of my puzzle and story and I will not forget it.

One day I can vividly remember is the first time my parents came to visit and brought my daughter. at this point I had not seen her in about three weeks. All morning I was on pins and needles waiting for them to get there. they were late and I couldn't sit or stand still. I was told they were there and on the walk to meet them I had such nerves in my stomach. I worried if she had forgotten my. if she didn't want to see me. I turned a corner and I heard her voice. I took off running, she saw me and ran to me. I scooped her up and sobbed. I held her so tightly and smelled her. I kissed her and cried on her. I pulled her back to look at her face and she placed her hands on my cheeks, looked me in the eye and said, " you are my mommy! I love you!" I just cried and said that's right, I am your mommy. her face had changed so much in such a short amount of time. It was real happiness. I had not felt that feeling in so long. Holding my baby in my arms, clean of any toxins and on a life changing journey. THIS was the feeling I needed. THIS was the high I wanted forever and this was all I needed. This was it for me. I am literally sobbing, and wiping away tears right now reliving that moment. It is so profound for me because that was the turning point for me. I had happiness all along. I felt like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. that visit gave me the strength to stay and get the help I needed.

I have been so nervous to share this because it is humiliating, it is sad to relive this time of my life. But I felt that it is time for me to do that. For me to share just a piece of what I did for myself and my child to overcome the worst time of my life. I received a message today from an old friend who read my Facebook post today, and she Said to me, " Hey girlie, it's been a while. I just wanted to let you know reading your post made me feel I have hope and I can make it." Then she told me her story, and she concluded by saying this, "  Seeing your post gave me motivation and thank you for being strong enough to share."

That is just amazing! That is my goal, if I can reach and help just one woman, its all worth it. This was such a long post, but I feel it needed to be. who are we kidding, most of my posts are long! LOL..! I am going to really try and keep up with this thing a lot more! I hope to continue to work on myself, healing and moving forward, and hopefully be able to help other people along the way! xo

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The Struggles...

One of the worst experiences of being a mom is having your babe sick. Oh man. Lila Joe has never been sick like this before. It is so heartbreaking. Watching her little body go through this is so incredibly hard. Usually we take refuge in our kids sleeping, but sleep for her is not peaceful, its the worst part of the day/night for her. She just coughs and coughs and coughs and throws up. She is steady having a fever which makes things worse. I am sure her body is achy. Two days and two Dr.’s appointments. Now she has developed an ear infection. Two different antibiotics and a medicine for nausea. I pray that it starts to take effect. She can keep it down and get some relief. She just wants to lay in bed and watch Sleeping Beauty. At least she loves her Disney movies. <3 

The whole mother’s day experience is just not amazing for me. It has never been. Being single on mother’s day is worse then Valentine’s Day. No Daddy to take your babe to get you little gifts, or cards. Or make you things. No daddy to buy you gifts from him and the baby. Just kind of depressing. I hope that one day things do change. I know God has a plan for me to have an amazing man complete our family, but its the waiting that kills me. I know its all on his Time. Too tired to really process and think of much to write at the moment. just wanted to update on Lila Joe. thanks for everyone Praying.

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Blessed

I am continually blown away by people. I used to be upset so easily when people were cruel. Now I look at each time as an opportunity to learn and grow. I had an experience yesterday at my daughters gymnastics gym and it inspired me to share just a small part of my story, my journey. There is so much more to it and I will continually share more as time goes on. I feel like God touched me yesterday to share what I did to help other women in similar situations.

Lord knows that happened. I got quite a few private messages today from women telling me some of their story. That they had been through it in the past but didn't have the courage to speak up about it. Or some who are still going through it. I am asking anyone to please share that post, spread it so maybe it can help more women and inspire them to leave the toxic situation they are currently in. My heart breaks to hear that so many women live in shame and fear still. That they have experienced the same feelings of shame and embarrassment because of their spouse that decided it was okay to put their hands on them. Someone said me tonight, he doesn't hit me that much anymore, its mainly just mental now. NO!

NO! NO! NO! NO! He shouldn't be hitting you AT ALL! He shouldn't be placing his hands on you in any way that you don’t ask him to. He should be showing you love and affection. Kindness and admiration. He shouldn’t be mentally abusing you now either. To me, honestly that is the worst. This may sound bad but I would have rather had a beating every day then to have had to endure the mental and emotional abuse I had to from my ex. Those wounds hurt the most. They replay in your head over and over and over. The lies of love battle with the insults. How can he love me so much and think I am so beautiful, yet think I am fat and disgusting? How can he find me so sexy and attractive and be disgusted by me at the same time? How can he love me and be with someone else? none of it makes sense! One thing I learned is that it won’t!

He was not telling the truth. He was lying and manipulating me constantly. To get what he wanted from me, he knew exactly how to play me. He knew I wanted nothing more then our little family. A life with our daughter and him. I never got it and I never will, not with him at least. I do believe that  God has someone out there to complete my little family with my daughter. Maybe even add to it, who knows. I can only focus on today, one day at a time. I have to get through today’s struggles to get tomorrows blessings. Each day has its high and low. Its pit and peak. We should all learn to find the pit and the peak each day. Get a journal and write it down. One thing that made you sad and one thing that brought you joy. You can do more but at least one every day. Then you can compare and see that those bad things werent really that bad and you survived them. Some days your pits might be worse they others but you will go to sleep and wake up with a blank sheet of paper to add a new peak to. 

As women we are so strong, we are powerful. We make life. We carry children inside of us and bring them into the world. For most of us, those 9 months of pregnancy we do everything we can to nuture that baby inside of us and make sure that baby is safe and taken care of until they are born. oh and hello moms, we know thats no the end either. It never stops. From the moment you find out you are pregnant your world changes and its no longer about you, its about that baby. These are things that we need to take into consideration when we are speaking to each other. We need to lift each other up, not tear each other down. Who cares what kind of car you drive or your kids batting average? How about how awesome your kid is? how funny they are? how fun they are? those silly moments where they randomly bust out in curse words and you want to laugh but want to teach them right? Happened to me today! I wanted to share it but I didn’t. It was fear of being judged that held me back. Why do we strive to be perfect mothers on social media when we ALL know its not real! My kid poops just like yours does! Your kid DOES curse just like mine!

We have the world against us, men hurting us, targeting us and tearing us down. We dont need to help them. We need to fight them. Stand up and Say NO! No more! I am here for anyone that needs to talk and I am going to do my hardest to continue to share my thoughts and my story and hopefully inspiration to anyone that wants to read it. Hopefully it helps others that are struggling. If it helps just one person then its worth it! 

I am a rambler, I go off on tangents and get shiny balled often. I do not type properly, I have spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes. If that is going to be a problem this might not be the blog for you. Those are the least of my worries. Right now I have a 3 year old wide awake chasing dogs around and dogs hiding under my feet to get away from her. The struggle is real! I also, plan on ending every post with a bible verse and talking about God as much as I can. I am speaking of  a Christian God. If that is a problem this blog is not for you. I am not AA or NA, I am not talking about a higher power of your choosing. I am talking about GOD Almighty. The alpha and omega. The king of Kings and the Lord of Lords! 

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV

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To go along with my post today.

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Been awhile..

So it has been awhile since I have updated this here blog. I just have been in a dark place. I have fallen a little bit. Not slipped back to a relationship with my ex. we have spoken briefly and its clear that he is still up to the same nonsense that he was always playing before. Still trying to play games. Whether its trying to “see” the baby, or hook up with me. Its just games, I am tired of him thinking that he can work me over but incredibly proud of myself for standing my ground, not falling back into him and his games. I haven’t seen him nor do I plan on it.

As for being in a dark place its just depression its consuming sometimes. All of these sad feelings of loss and worthlessness comes over you constantly. That you don’t matter. WHO do you really matter to? Who really truly cares about you? Right now its a battle within myself to make myself the best me possible. I have to build my self worth. TRULY believe that I am worth something to myself, and especially my Daughter if not to anyone else. I know have a foundation of great parents and a VERY small group of friends that truly care. I love and am so grateful for these friends. Without them I don’t know how I would keep pushing through. They slap me back into reality when I need it but let me be sad and raise me up when I need to be down and need comfort and sensitivity.

One of my hardest things to grasp I think is boundaries. I know my situation is frustrating for people around me. Everyone has to deal and cope with it in their own way, plus they have their own lives and troubles. But at the end of the day my situation is mine and about me. I feel like I am ready to be the person that is important and deserving of attention and love and affection. It is hard to put it into words without sounding selfish and self centered and uncaring to other peoples situations. I feel like I have to be very careful with my words these days because of the consequences or how people may perceive them. Somethings I obviously don’t care about. But when it comes to me I feel like I am constantly on egg shells. My greatest fear these days is that my depression and battle I am dealing with now will compromise my relationship and ability with my daughter. Luckily it hasnt, She is just as smart and caring as she always has been. She loves her family but she loves me so much. That is what keeps me going each and every day. Pushes me through it. I know its this time of year that makes me even sadder, and then having to go through everything I went through the last 9 years but especially this last  year..

This time Last year I had all this joy and happiness of spending our first of many Christmas seasons together as a family. Yes, I did already have the suspicions and uneasy feeling of his cheating. I pretty much knew but at this point had no 100% proof. But there was still hope. This year its a different type of joy, its this is the first year she is excited about Christmas. Learning songs, decorating, knowing who Santa is, she will be excited Christmas morning. I have accepted that our family of her, him and I together will never be and I am refocusing my joy towards spending and enjoying my holidays with my family and watching my daughter grow up and love it. I am trying so hard to build that Christmas joy and spirit in her so she loves it as much as I did growing up.

A big part of my sadness is missing Joey. I think its getting much worse. My hurt, pain and sorrow for him is so intense. It grows and grows every day. I long and desire for him to just come home, come in the door with bags full of stuff for me to wrap for him. For LJ to be so excited to see her Uncle Joe Joe. Man. I just know if he were here he would love her so much. I would rarely get to see him. the deeper I fall into this the more I feel like I understand him, I understand what he must have felt and why he did. I wish I knew more then and I could have tried to help him. I think thats why I am so desperate to reach out for help to overcome depression. Thankfully I have a functional depression. I am able to push myself out of bed each day and do what needs to be done, for the most part. I am not suicidal, I have desire to live. I WANT to live and be happy. I want Joey, I miss him. My heart hurts for him. I cry for him every single day. I am not exaggerating in saying on a daily basis I cry for him. Its a song or memory that triggers it. Seeing his picture. Hearing his name. Doesn’t matter. I miss him more this year then I have since the first year he died. I have been saying it a lot lately but I truly feel like a piece of me died the day Joey died. He took it with me. My joy, my views for a bright and happy future and life. I never experienced death like that before and I am truly petrified for the next one. The death of my parents, or my brother. Poppy is not 100% and I know its coming and I don’t know how I will cope with it. I am scared.

But I do have hope that things will get better eventually. I will over come this and I know it could be much worse. I am very lucky to have the support of family and friends that I do  have. I am really looking forward to Christmas this year with LJ. I am really looking forward to starting 2016 better then 2015. I want it to be my year to rise and shine bright. Here’s to being hopeful.

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CLEAN!

So warning I have a feeling this one might be a long one...

I have been wanting to physically get on the computer to write this for so many weeks now and I have just been able to. I don't know how closely people pay attention to my posts and hashtags, I don't know how many people actually read my blog. I have gotten some responses and it makes me feel so good! But IF you do then you may have noticed I have been hashtagging #clean for a couples weeks now. No I am not clean from "drugs" per say. but I am clean from my drug, Him. This came to me after listening, no REALLY listening to a song I have heard a million times by Taylor Swift off of her 1989 album, its called "Clean". SHOCKING! haha... the lyrics just spoke to me so powerfully one night in my kitchen when I was cooking and dancing with LJ. I just started sobbing. It was my life in a song at the moment, I could breathe again even though I was drowning. I have to break down a few crucial parts in the song to explain and maybe rationalize my obsession with this song and how it truly has become my Anthem. There are a few songs that have really helped me through this whole mess but this one.. wow... okay, hang with me like I said it might be a long one.

first verse....

"The drought was the very worst When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst It was months, and months of back and forth You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore Hung my head as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm"

So I think the Flowers in my situation was my dreams, my hopes and fantasy of this perfect family that I envisioned with Lila Joe, Him and I. The more I tried and tried and the further deeper he got into his addiction and affair and the worse the abuse got the drier my hope actually got. Then no matter how hard I tried to pull myself away from him he continue to creep back in just when I felt like I was free and living again. Back and forth for MONTHS... he wouldn't go away. He was like a stain that no matter how much you washed the dress it just wouldn't come out. He wouldn't go away no matter what I did to keep him away. He showed up even when he was told not to. When I wouldn't let him in be punched his fist thru my front window, I filed police charges which I later dropped because I loved him and he begged me to because he didn't mean it. Then finally I felt so defeated by his affair and him leaving us that I felt like I lost. I lost all hope and light at the end of the tunnel for us, our family, for my daughter to have that picture perfect family with both of her natural parents. The sky turned black and my life was a storm...

Chorus...

"Rain came pouring down when I was drowning That's when I could finally breathe And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean"

I said it already but I truly felt like I was drowning. I was at rock bottom. I laid on my moms kitchen floor crying, sobbing, hurting so badly. the pain inside of me was so intense. I couldn't take care of Lila Joe, I couldn't go to work, I didn't eat, I wanted to sleep but couldn't because he was there in my dreams and I would wake up to reality that he was gone. I was drowning. Then it hit me... I am okay. I woke up the next morning and said I am DONE! no more crying, no more suffering, no more feeling sorry for what was and what could have been. its Done, and its not happening. Pick yourself up and take care of that beautiful little girl because she is what matters, not him, not you. HER! That was it. I haven't looked back. I didn't miss him anymore. I was clean.

second verse..

"There was nothing left to do When the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room So I punched a hole in the roof Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing"

I spent a solid two weeks at my moms. Putting the pieces together, building the strength I needed to so I would be able to go home. Where we were together. I deleted all pictures of him from my social media that I could and from my phone. I purged my home of anything of his, I threw away any of his clothes he left behind away or even had an empowering woman night and burnt his fancy bathing suit until it burnt no more. ( when he made his grand escape like a coward he left behind one suitcase and I assumed it had the rest of his clothes because he said he was going to be home on the weekend. But he really crammed everything that he had that was decent and nice into his back pack and one little suitcase. leaving behind junk clothes and pants that didn't fit him just so it looked like there was something in the suitcase.) The line that speaks to me most here is how I screamed and no one heard. They heard, they just needed me to hear myself screaming for help and help myself. I wasn't drowning anymore. They were still there, they cared and they loved me and still do.

bridge...

"10 months sober, I must admit Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it 10 months older, I won't give in Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it"

Now, I am not 10 months sober. I am only 2 months but the point is there. I won't give in and go back. I am happier now alone then I ever was when I was with him, especially this last year. He has reached out, he has wanted to get together, hook up, hang out, see Lila Joe, us be together without her, me come visit him or me and Lila Joe go visit him. Come to family day. Whatever.. no.. I won't give in. the temptation is there, I can't lie and I won't. that would be insane to say that I am not tempted. I don't miss the physical contact of him, hugs, kisses, being intimate, everything that goes along with being in love. But like I said, he is my drug. It would be a momentary "high" and then it would be done and I would be left crashing and hurting again and starting all over again. hurting myself and my friends and family who are just starting to gain trust and faith in me again. It's not worth it. He is not worth it. I am worth staying strong and moving forward and staying CLEAN!

My journey is just starting, but its already been so amazing. I have my ups and downs still and struggles and right now I am really lonely, but I am faithful and confident that one day I will be 100% happy, God will deliver the right man for Lila Joe and I and life will be great. I am struggling with many mental obstacles of confidence and going places. Live streaming church from my phone is one. I have to get back INTO church again. Sleeping on the couch still. I have to get myself and Lila Joe back in our beds. But for now our couch is so comfortable and we get to snuggle and have our little spaces and we are okay. baby steps. one day we will be back in our beds. first step is getting our butts back into church and stop live streaming at home. Being in public and running errands and being out of the house is a big thing that I have to overcome. But its all growth and coming back out of my shell. one day at a time... but for now I am just happy taking the steps and staying CLEAN!

For any woman that reads my blog and goes through any heart ache, seriously. Buy Taylor Swifts 1989. The lyrics are so heart touching and truly helpful. I am so thankful that I bought this album. Music is such a huge piece of my healing and this album has Really helped me. Thank you Taylor Swift for your amazing music! <3

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One year ago my life changed forever. I started my job at hilton doing outbound vacation sales. I was still living at home, old car just to get from point a to point b in debt and making just enough money babysitting to take care of Lila Joe and the little bills I had. I was hopeless and then I got this job at hilton. I thought it would be easy but once I started I realized very quickly how hard it was. I KNEW I wasn't going to make it and I kept looking for another job. I couldn't make sales no matter how much they trained me. But I faithfully kept at it. Every time I thought I couldn't do it I prayed to God please let make this work. The potential to make amazing money is there and I truly believe God put this job in my path. One day it clicked and j started making sale after sale. Exactly two months to the day, December 6, 2014 I moved into my own apartment with Lila Joe. Her dad was very little help. Whatever money he did give me he ended up taking back. Little did I know at the time he had started his affair that would ultimately be our downfall along with his abuse and addiction. I had the support of my family and friends. I did it on my own. We had no furniture except one chair and ljs high chair and my bed. By March I had paid off my debts and got a brand new couch set and dining room table paid in full cash! Refused to sign up for Medical benefits because I never thought I wouldn't make it to 90 days but I got close to that Mark and said well shoot. I made it this far I better sign up for benefits while I still can and use them when I can. Now a year later I am still surviving on my own and in a newer car with full health insurance for myself and Lila joe. Unfortunately due to circumstances I did acquire some debt again but I am almost caught up again. My point here is that every time I felt like throwing in the towel and quitting hilton, God let me sink a little and then showed me his grace and provided. With faith and trust in God I made it a year. Something I thought I could never do. When j stopped having faith and believing and started blaming God for the bad in my life everything crumbled. I nearly lost my job with hilton for good and that is when i fell into debt and hit rock bottom. When I finally regained my faith and stopped blaming God and went to him again things started to bounce back. I learned that no matter how bad things may seem it's not God's fault and the only way he will help us through is by laying our burdens, cares, fears and struggles at his feet. He will provide and help us through our darkest of days. I'm thankful to a loving, kind and forgiving God that ALWAYS has my back and takes care of me. Here is to another year having faith, making money and watching my life grow and develop through God's love and mercy! So excited for this next year and what He has in store for me. Thank you father. This post was originally supposed to be on instagram but apparently you can reach a limit on how much you can type. I guess I didn't realize how much I would be saying about this.

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Catch up!

So it has been awhile since I have updated. Things Have been very busy in my life! I have been working a lot to catch up. It is really “tough” times that make you so appreciative of what you do have and the people in your life that matter. Tough times really help you to figure out who your true friends are. I am very lucky and fortunate to have a select handful of amazing and loyal friends. If I haven’t said it in the past I have to say it again how truly sorry I am for dragging my friends and family through the mud with this hectic and horrific nightmare I have called my life for the last 9 years. Thankfully I have closed that chapter and I am now moving on and forward.

I have unfortunately witnessed someone else going through a struggle very similar to mine, thankfully not as abusive and intense, but its still abusive and toxic. It is very hard to stand back as a friend and watch your friend go through this and watch them continue to make the same mistakes and fall back into the lies and games of a horrible man. I can understand how my friends and family were so frustrated with me. I see the struggle in my friend and it makes me angry at her for falling for the games he is playing but at the same time knowing that I am recently out of that situation I understand her struggle. But then it comes back to the fact that she knows EVERYTHING that I went through with my ex and she is still choosing this path for herself. Makes it that much more frustrating for me. I know and understand the struggle of WHAT if he changes and I do love him so much. But in our hearts we KNOW they aren’t going to change. They are still going to be the same manipulative and mean angry abusive person they are. That is WHO they are inside, it will not go away and they will not change. ESPECIALLY if they don’t truly believe they have a problem and aren’t willing to get real help. They can’t fix it on their own and won’t, They will say and do whatever they have to to weasel their way back into our lives and just mess everything up. but I am just free and that's all that matters. I am happy about that!

I have been very strong and doing very well. The sadness is pretty much not existent anymore. Sometimes it does creep up on me and I am usually able to squash it right away. The other night I did have a super melt down. The pain was just so intense. It hit me like a ton of bricks. My chest hurt so much it was so intense. It felt like the weight of the world was sitting on me.It wasn’t sadness for missing him, it was sadness for the whole situation. I still don’t want him back, I have no concern with what he is doing, where he is or who he is with. I know that his time will come where the road will end for him and he will sink. His charming personality and smooth words will not be enough to mask his hateful, mean and abusive core. I have come to believe and realize that that is who and what he is inside. Everything everyone told me over the years was true, he is evil and toxic. The proof is in his life, he has no one. Not one person that SHOULD be in his life is. He has no family, no real friends, no one has stuck around for more then a few years. They see who he is and leave because they know he is no good in their life. He brings nothing positive or beneficial to anyone's life. It should be sad but it’s not because he does it to himself.

I think about where my life should be right now and where it is. It’s difficult to ponder where i could be if I would have just let go years ago. If when he went to prison I would have made a clean break with my baby and moved on. But then I have all of the wisdom I have now that I Know what I will and will not tolerate in the future if and when I do end up with someone else. I have been moving forward and spending time with friends and family. It is really great to rebuild these relationships. Some were to tainted and broken but I am lucky, unlike him, that I have amazing friends and family that forgive and accept me back when I need them. I am lucky that I am a good person inside, I have a pure heart full of love and compassion, its my best asset and biggest flaw. But generally I am glad that I am a good person which attracts and keeps good people in my life. I am honestly the happiest I have been and I still feel sadness. I can’t wait to see and feel how happy I can be when I am fully healed and the sadness is completely gone.

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In my feelings...

I remember he used to tell me all the time get out of my feelings. I so wish that I could. I don’t know why I let myself cave in and speak with him, and think that trying to express the pain I have felt because of him would matter to him, or make me feel any better. It doesn’t , actually I feel worse today. I Knew saying what I was saying wasn’t going to matter to him, I knew he didn’t care. It’s not like it wasn’t things that I hadn’t said before. I don’t know why I thought THIS time it would make him have a heart and feel bad for what he has done. He doesn’t, well he says I am sorry for hurting you. I am, but prison changed me and it just couldn’t work with us, the drug fights, and I just have strong feelings for her. It’s bull! That’s what it is. It’s not the truth, well the REAL truth. It’s the truth that he wants to admit to and accept to try and make himself feel better. I do believe he has some serious mental issues when it comes to compassion and feelings. He has none for anyone. He doesn’t have a true grasp on reality for how it is. I know I struggle with some of those same issues. I know that I think sometimes I see things MY way because it makes me feel better, but then to sit back and really think about it I know I am wrong. Now Will I always admit it, it just depends on what it is. Then there are cases I am sure that I just don’t see things other peoples way and I think my way is the right way. I justify hurting other people for my own happiness.

I did this A LOT with my family over the years for him. I knew I was killing my family, especially my parents. I knew I was hurting them. I was pushing away people that mattered the most to me. But it was THEIR fault to abandon me. It was THEIR fault to give up on me. They KNEW what I was going through and how hard it was for me to deal with everything. If they loved me enough they would stand by my through anything. But they chose not to. Now looking back, and especially after this last year I can see how frustrating it was for them. to sit back and watch me go through it and chose to stay in it. To constantly go through the same crap over and over and never do anything to change it, never walk away and just be done. I hope that over the next few years I am able to repair and rebuild some of these relationships. I have an aunt that I grew up with extremely close to and we really grew apart over the years because of this and I miss her so much and really wish we could get back to where we were. We are on speaking terms and she has read my testimony and she I think understands a little more what I went through. I know she understood more then most  because she went through something so similar, and it hurt her to see me go down that road.

Right now I think my heart is hurting again from regret. Sorrow for hurting so many people for someone that hasn’t loved me in along time. Someone that I loved so much, so deeply and he just gave up on me and us. He stopped loving me. Then used my love against me, he used it to manipulate me and use me. He hurt me. Not a day goes back still that I don’t think of him. I can’t help it. 9 years of having a man in your life that you loved more then words can express and then to just go through a year of complete torture. Being torn between my family with my parents and friends, and then my family with my daughter and the love of my life. Fighting tooth and nail for that family, the entire time he was telling me thats what he wanted too, yet all of his actions proved otherwise. Everyone told me, I knew it in my heart. I knew it guys! But I had to get here on my own. I had to realize it on my own. I had to finally say enough is enough and be done. I had to give my family with him and Lila Joe a chance that way I KNEW 100% that it wasn’t going to work.

One of my greatest fears was one day Lila Joe asking me why werent we a family with her dad. I don’t want her to hate me. I think that is partially why I am writing all of this out. One day when she is old enough she can read this and hopefully understand why things are the way they are and what I went through to try and give her that family. I tried with everything I am to make it work. To not give her a broken family. I took beatings and endured so much for her. But then I did it and did it hurt her in the end? She still will say things that break my heart. She does not like him, she does not love him, she doesn’t miss him, she doesn’t want to see him. She wants nothing to do with him. I can honestly say that that’s the one thing I never did to her is poison her against him. Now did I make comments to her during fights with him, I am sorry your dad is such a jerk/loser/butthole things like that. yea I did. was it right? no it wasn’t but it happened. But mostly I tried to force that on her so that would bring him in closer. If they had a bond he would want to be here more. He would want this life if he felt for her what I felt for her. If he even remotely felt the bond that her and I share. I would try and pump her up when I knew he was going to see her. I would try and force her to hug and kiss him and love on him. I would beg him to bathe her and put her to bed. He would do it and he would enjoy it WHEN he did it. He would come out so proud and say I sung her to sleep. To me it was a light of hope. Maybe this is it. But then he would leave us again for fun times with his side piece.

This blogging thing is really turning out to be helpful for me. I am really feeling better to be able to sit at the computer and actually type. Last night it was from my phone and it just wasnt the same, I felt like I couldn’t really flow. But this is much better, I finally did what everyone has told me to do for months now... I BLOCKED HIM.! It feels good and I am not unblocking him. Now on for a better rest of the day.!

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One of those days

I'm having one of those days where my heart is hurting. I'm feeling this pain in my stomach. I can't pin point what it's from. Nerves from getting ready to start a second job. I know I am going to be exhausted. Working hilton all morning and then a serving job until late at night. It's going to be really tiring. But I have no choice. I have to catch up. That stress is killing me. I'm having thoughts of him and I can't figure out what they are. I know it's not missing him or regret or anything. Just memories and feelings flooding back. I remember why I am where I am and feel the way I feel and know I am better off then I was before and so is Lila Joe. I think of the good times. I see things that remind me of us. The way we would just laugh and be silly together. The way he used to make me laugh and feel. I wish I would be able to know for sure the truth. I don't think I will ever really get. I actually had a conversation with him tonight and I actually asked for the truth. I think he gave me the truth he feels he wants to admit to at the moment. I think it's what he has twisted himself to believe. But a tiger doesn't change its stripes. He will always be the same manipulative, cold person he always has been. He said one thing that was actually the truth and I believe it. Prison did change him. He isn't the same person I fell in love with when he went in. He isn't the same person that I was expecting to come out. I was expecting the good man I loved to come out just clean and sober. Ready to start a life and a family that was waiting for him. But i was wrong. He is so full of hate. He hates all races except white. He hates anyone that's different then him. He hates so much and feels so little. It hurts my heart to know that's the man he has become. That's not who he was. He had love and compassion in him before. But it's gone. I guess I should be happy for the good memories and coming out alive and with my baby. I knew I would have days like this. I have felt it building up for a few days. But I have been sleeping better and feeling better. Only problem I still can't do is sleep in my bed. I sleep on the couch every night. I made in there one night and I slept great. But to get myself in there is hard. I feel so many memories in that room and it's hard. I know I will get there. I'm hoping tomorrow to be sleeping in my own bed. Hoping this feeling is gone in the morning. For now I'll just be enjoying sleep. I forgot how much I enjoyed it. I love sleep and it's all I want to do. I can't wait for the end of the day just to sleep. It's good and content and I love it. It's peaceful and calm. I'm exhausted and ready for my favorite part of the day. Bedtime. Xo

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Regrets... I've had a few.

In my testimony post that has yet to be published I specify that I won't refer to my ex by name. I know everyone knows his name but I will only refer to his by using pronouns. He doesn't deserve the dignity of even being referred to by a name. That constitutes him as being a human being. That he is not. At the end my testimony i explain that I just don't have the strength to fully go into what happened this last year. It's too painful, still so fresh and the wounds are still so raw. But right now im having a lot of emotions regarding one particular thing. A few good things have come from my relationship with him. Obviously Lila Joe is the best thing. Sure there were good times and memories. But I also made a best friend. Anne Marie. She's my sister, my person. No matter what the issue has ever been I can always go to her. Tell her my deepest and darkest secrets. She never judges me or turns her back on me no matter how frustrated she gets with me because of the situation. We have been through the ringer together. She sadly had to witness countless beatings he gave me. She tried to stop him every time. She cleaned my wounds. Got me ice and let me cry on her. She let me "be the victim" as he would say. Go ahead and cry. Play the victim. It was your own fault. You made me do it. I didn't play the victim because I was the victim. Thankfully I had her to be my support when I had no one else to turn to or to trust to tell of how bad things really were. There is one other person I met this last year that I hated her guts and she hated mine but we realize it wasn't because Us that we hated each other. It was because of him. While he was still in prison he met her online and faked feelings for her and made her fall for him so when he got out he would have a place to stay, so he wouldn't be homeless. The entire time he's working her over he's promising me the world. Promising me our family. That he's going to get out and work and take care of his girls. God how I loved when he would say that. "His girls" Lila Joe and I were his. He staked his claim on us because he loved us, loved me, and wanted us. No one else could have us. Eventually. I found out about her before he was even released. I tried to tell her look we are going to be s family. Please just back off. He's going to just use you. I tried to warn her. I was told okay! She was no longer in the picture. I was relieved. He got out and I saw him the second night he was out. I was under the impression he was staying with a friends aunt. That night we spent together was amazing. To finally be with him again. In his arms. Feeling his touch tasting his kisses and feeling his lips on mine. He cried so much that night because he missed me so much. It was amazing to be together again. What struck me odd was he kept telling me in the end it's always going to be you. I will always have you you will always be mine. We will be together in the end. I couldn't understand what he meant exactly by that. He was supposed to meet her the next day. She was blowing up my phone because she hadn't heard from him since he was released. He admired this to me and said he changed his mind. That seeing me again made me realize that faking it with someone else wasn't worth risking losing me. He loved me too much. He ignored her messages and ignored her calls on my phone. We just enjoyed the night together. The first night in two years we were together again. I'll never forget how nervous I was to see him. This would be the first time we had seen each other since I face birth to our picture perfect daughter we always dreamt of. The excitement of pilling up to meet him. That night was magical. I had a new found hope in our future together. If I only truly knew what was in store for me I honestly would take it back in a heart beat. The next day came and he went on his way and I went mine. He promised I would hear from him soon. I didn't. She didn't. Where did he go? He posted on Instagram and facebook. But didn't return my messages. I finally found a phone number for him and called it and it was a different woman's number. There was ANOTHER woman. We were both dumb founded. We had no idea. We bonded over this. We quickly realized what great friends would could be. How similar we were. How great we got along. This was short lived because the devil himself decided to pop up again. He missed me. He was so sorry. He wanted to see me again and meet his daughter. He wanted to explain everything. I arranged for us to go away for a weekend so he could meet Lila Joe and we could be together. For whatever reason it had to be a secret from both of these other women. He needed them for a place to stay. For them to buy him things he needed until he could get on his feet and we could get a home together. This was truly a rough couple of months. Why I agreed to go along with this I will never know. Very quickly this mystery woman, Kristen, figured out his game and she gave him the boot. So now it was just this other woman that if he wasn't in the picture we would be such good friends. For months we battled each other. To me he told me he was faking being her boyfriend so he wasn't homeless. That even though his body was with her his heart and mind was with me and Lila Joe. To her i seemed like a crazy baby mama that just wouldn't let go and was trying to steal her boyfriend. But what was I supposed to do? Let the love of my life live on the streets? To me this was me being a real ride or die girlfriend. Dealing with this pain on a constant daily basis. They would fight so much because he would constantly chose to be with Lila Joe and I on the weekends even if she had off. In my head I truly believed she HAD to know what was going on but she was just too stupid and insecure to care and she put up with it. I had complete disregard for her feelings because he was MINE. he was MY man, he was really MY boyfriend and he was just using her. We only had to make it a few months until our apartment was ready. It was all lined up. He was working flipping this house and I was working at the churches preschool. He spent all of his money taking me and Lila Joe out. Giving me gas money to drive to him multiple times a week so we could be together. I banked all of my money to get us into our apartment. All the while this poor woman was hurting because her boyfriend kept leaving her to be with his ex, his baby mama. He lied to her so much. That he was out with friends not me. That it was always just to see the baby. So many times Lila Joe wasn't even with us. Any time I would start to feel bad for her she would do something that would make me not care anymore. Little did either one of us know that he had met and started another relationship with a dirty, low life woman he met through his friend. His friend met her online and saw what filthy trash she was and he wanted nothing to do with her. But not my boyfriend. Nope. He was okay with his friends sloppy seconds. What makes her even worse was the first time that she met him I was there. Her and I got along great. She was there to meet his friend. She told me what a beautiful couple we were. She wanted that with his friend. I told her not to worry that it would workout between them. Give it time. So weeks later this nice girl that I met with my boyfriend who was jealous of our relationship started sleeping with my boyfriend. Se was his side chick. She knew it and didn't care. That's how trashy she is. She knew he had a real girlfriend with a child and was moving into our apartment and she knew he had a fake girlfriend he was using so he wouldn't be homeless. Everyone says I can't blame her because it was his choice to cheat and have this affair. Yes. They are right. It was his choice. He saw her as freedom as fun. As easy money. She showed him a good time. Going out too parties and clubs and bars. Drinking and doing drugs again. Not the boring life that he led with his fake girlfriend and her two kids or the boring life with his real girlfriend and his own daughter. We are stressful because we were work. We were responsibilities. He doesnt like having to be responsible. Later on once the affair was exposed he told everyone that she was a skeezer with open legs and an open wallet. She paid forecer thing and had sex with him and kept it all a secret. Finally his fake girlfriend had enough and gave him the boot. Luckily it was only a week before we moved into our apartment. I'll go more into what happened after that later. But this post is about my regret for being apart in hurting this woman. Now we are very good friends. We are soul sisters. But she is very damaged from the entire experience. She was used and he did verbally abuse her. The damage he did to her she is still reeling from. She still has trust issues with men and insecurities. She doesn't blame me or wish harm on me. She doesn't relish in the fact that he carried on his affair with this woman for months and months and eventually when he knew I was just about at my end point he left me and lj for her. He abandoned his family for his easy side chick. That to me shows a lot of class. If I were her I would hate me. But she realizes that I was played as much as she was and I was hurt as well. I'm glad that her and I have been able to become such good friends throughout this horrible experience. Tonight we were talking and she told me the only good thing that came from this with him was you. That made me feel good and hurt at the same time. Even though I told her about him and i while everything was going on and she continued the relationship with him, so did I. I am responsible for this woman being damaged. I feel awful for that. I think about it and me having done to her what I did was not much different then what the side chick did to me. The only difference was the lies that he told me. I justified it because we had been together for 8 1/2 years. We had a child together. She should have known better, she knew what was going on. But looking back now it doesn't matter. It still hurt her and I knew it. What I take from this is there has to be a point in life where we have to wake up and realize that the things we do does hurt other people. Regardless of what the reasons are for doing what we are doing. God tells us to love our enemies. To love and respect each other. I prided myself on being s Christian at the time. But how Christian like was i being? I wasn't. I was a hypocritical Christian that's what I was. I let God down. If I i were him I would have turned my back on me. But he didn't because that's not what God does. He loves us and forgives us. That's what he does. He is an almighty loving and forgiving God. He gave his only son for our sins and we should be thanking him every single day and glorifying his name and image. Yet we slide and make mistakes and disgrace him. On earth there are people that don't forgive us for these transgressions. They judge us and hold it against us for what we have done. That's what makes God better then us. He loves and forgives us for shaming him and falling short of his glory. I can never take back what I did to my new friend last year. I can be thankful for her forgiveness and we can move forward to be better and stronger woman and mothers to our children. We can show our daughters what strong women do and don't put up with from a man. She can teach her son how to truly treat a woman with love and respect. We have learned and grown from the experience and luckily we came out of it on top with a beautiful friendship. We are both very damaged from it and have wounds that will take years to heal, but we have each other to lean on and cry to. Thank you for being my soul sister. I love you! Xoxox

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Editing

So I have been so excited and nervous to post my story. It's extremely Lon and after consulting with my pastor I guess I am going to need to condense it for blogging purposes. He suggests posting it in parts and elaborating on each section as I go through my healing and growth. I wanted to get it all out there so there wouldn't be anything left unsaid or any cliff hangers. I have shared it with some close friends and mentors and from the feed back I have gotten I am incredibly proud of myself. I apparently write very well and from the heart. My words and story is moving. I guess I should be proud to be an overcomer. I am excited to be on this journey and to share my testimony. I truly hope that it helps me heal and it may help another woman who is in an abusive relationship wake up. People told me hundreds of times over the years to leave him. To be done with him. He hit me once he would do it again. Further along in my posts I plan on sharing some photos of bruises and marks I had from him. The lies I told to explain these marks. Wearing love sleeves and high necks in the summer. Classic battered woman stuff. But it doesn't matter who tells us as many times as they tell us. Until we wake up and have that moment when we are done we will never be done. I can honesty say I feel done but I am nervous every day I would relapse. I would fall back into him and his lies and spell. Even though I know he doesn't love me and it's not real. It's all apart of the cycle and the abuse. Him having . His hooks in me and having control over me. Ar this point for me it's about being strong enough to say no more. No more abuse in any way. I have said it a million times over the years I would rather take a physical beating instead of the mental and emotional abuse he inflicted on me over the years. That's what makes us stay. They tear us down to make us feel worthless and we feel they are the beater can have. Not true. We deserve better and I will have someone better some day. Most importantly my daughter deserves better. She deserves to see her mother strong and not watch her be abused and cry. I promise to give her that.

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get it out of the way!

So I have been discussing with many people that i am starting this here blog. it is way out of character for me because i am not a writer. i am a talker, which everyone knows! But some people know i have been going through some really difficult times as of late and it was suggested to me to write it down and blog. So i am making the effort to do it and actually i am pretty excited. It is not going to be 100% grammatically correct, and will have typos and fragmented sentences.I am not out to write the next literary masterpiece, just get out some thoughts and feelings.

I have already written my “first” post. It’s my “Story” but I am working up the courage to actually post it. It is currently under review by a couple people that i trust and already know what inner workings of what has been going on for years in my life. It is incredibly personal and raw in detail of what happened. I do believe that some people will find it incredibly surprising to learn a lot of things. I am pretty open no things on my social media but nothing like this. My own words, pouring out my genuine feelings, my account of what happened to me and in my life. I have shared it with some friends and they were quite surprised to learn a few things. They said i knew some of this but didn’t know the extent or severity of it. I thought I knew but I really had no clue. Some people have said it actually brought them to tears. That makes me a little uncomfortable actually. I think I truly downplayed my life and situation, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal or that serious. It makes me feel even worse for what i truly put my family and friends through.

Also, to think that my words, and my story is so moving to a person it brings them to tears. I never thought that i had the “power” or talent to put into words something that actually effected someone. But we will see how things progress to see if it was just a one time shot since I was telling my story. Once it is finished being reviewed I will be posting it. Fair warning though THAT post is very long. It literally covers the last 9 years of my life from my cousin Joey’s death to now. I felt that I couldn’t break it up because I didn’t want to leave anyone who actually wanted to read it confused or hanging. I wanted to make sure that it was all there and out of the way. But I promise after that it won’t be as long! Simple and short, well depending, but not book length!