Please don’t feel pressured to answer, but when did you realize you were trans? And being Catholic, was that difficult?
wobbles in under the weight of a massive leatherbound tome Well, it's a bit of a long story.
I knew I was queer before I knew I was trans. I fell in love with a girl when I was 13, and by age 15 I was completely out in all aspects of my life. Like a lot of gays my age, when I was trying to figure out my sexuality the first place I went was the internet. That was where I discovered the concept of butch lesbians - and I thought they were so cool. Something about their blurring of masculinity and femininity spoke to me (even though I definitely would not have put it that eloquently at the time). So after I came out I decided to cut off my long hair and start wearing boys clothes. I still remember the first time I looked at myself in the mirror like that and the feeling that I was really seeing me for the first time.
I was a hard butch for most of high school after that. At some point I started to become uncomfortable with my curvy body and high pitched voice. It made me happy to be mistaken for a boy. I started to entertain the idea that maybe I wasn't cis. I decided to buy myself some men's underwear online, a baby step into further gender experimentation. The day they arrived at the house, I had come down with laryngitis. My mother found and opened the package. She was upset, and I couldn't speak to explain myself. We didn't talk about it even after the laryngitis got better, and the incident scared me back into the gender closet for several more years.
Most of the time thoughts about my gender or my body didn't bother me too much. But sometimes I would have bad days where I felt the desperate need to cover up in the loosest, boxiest clothing I owned. I refused to look too hard at why my curves bothered me. And then COVID happened - I was in grad school, and quarantining in the apartment where I lived alone. With nothing but my thoughts to keep me company, my gender confusion got louder and louder until I couldn't ignore it anymore. I told my best friend that I wanted to try being called Teddy. The name stuck. It felt right. I cycled through a few different sets of pronouns before ultimately settling on they/them. I bought a binder. Slowly, I came out as nonbinary in different areas of my life, and by age 23 I was completely out. I'm starting hormones soon and planning to get top surgery in the future.
That's my trans story. Was it hard because I'm Catholic? The short answer is no. I went through that once already as a hormonal middle schooler realizing I wanted to kiss girls and believing for a long time that meant I was going to hell. My relationship with religion is also long and complicated, and probably best saved for another post if anyone wants to hear it. But by the time I was in my twenties and coming to terms with my gender, I was back on good terms with God. There's a Bible passage I rediscovered at that time that has remained one of my favorites: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus." I've always existed in liminal spaces - not Black or white, not gay or straight, not man or woman. And that's what God is. God is the liminal spaces - He is everything and all of us at once. I am made in His image and I am holy and beautiful and perfect as I am.