#nonbinary resource

[transmedicalism-saves-lives]

Idk if you'd be able to help me, but for a while I've identified as NB, but lately I've begun to doubt myself. (I haven't medically transitioned) I'm not sure if my body is actually wrong to me. But I don't know if it's right for me. I don't know if I'm actually cis and just confused or actually NB. And I'm afraid that if it turns out that I was cis this whole time, I'll be seen as someone who hopped on a trend. Yet what if I go back to identifying as cis and regret it? How can I know who I am?

Okay, I’m glad you reached out. It’s nice to meet you! I’m Oscar, and I’ve been through the questioning you’re going through before I realized I was a trans man. 

So let’s get down to business! 

Nonbinary dysphoria is really messy, and can be nearly impossible to live with, because for the most part, there isn’t a catchall cure like transition. However, there are ways to make it a little less painful. Most Nonbinary people fall into one of three subtypes. 

Agender: need for no sex characteristics at all, doesn’t want any genitalia or other sex characteristics, often mixed up with trauma symptoms, get checked for trauma if this is your dysphoria’s manifestation, because the symptoms have many similarities.

Nonbinary Classic: the need for “intersex” characteristics, such as ambiguous genitalia, often a flat chest, and a “midrange” height, voice, etc, usually feeling a desire for traits of the opposite sex, but without “going all the way.” This can often be an indicator of classic gender dysphoria, but isn’t always, and should be carefully treated to avoid “going too far,” and swinging into dysphoria from the “other side.” 

Bigender Dysphoria: the need for both sets of sex characteristics, feeling dysphoria about lacking certain parts, but without feeling discomfort for the ones you have. Unfortunately, since the human body isn’t currently equipped to handle both sets, this is one kind of dysphoria without a cure. 

It’s not known why these types manifest the way they do, and it’s difficult to get accurate studies done, thanks to a great number of people mistakenly identifying themselves as nonbinary when they are, in reality, binary trans or cis. However, if these apply to you, the chances that you are nonbinary are much higher than if they do not, although you should still get checked for trauma symptoms and body dysmorphia before seeking out transition. I hope this helps! 

[transmedicalism-saves-lives]

hey oscar. i've been questioning my gender since... mid 2017 i think? and it's been a stressful, back-and-forth, and quite frankly emotionally draining process. most of the time, i'm fully convinced i'm nonbinary, and i'm happy with that (happy with knowing, not happy about being nb. dysphoria's horrible) but occasionally i'll lapse into either "you're a trans guy!" or "you're a girl, you've been a girl this whole time, this whole thing is stupid!" (1/2)

i just feel kinda hopeless rn. do you think you could help? if i’ve been questioning my gender this long i can’t be a cis girl right? it’s just taking a big toll. sorry for venting (2/2) 

I think I can help you out. I’d prefer you DM me over this so I can ask questions and get a more full picture of the situation, but as far as for what you’re asking- 

Yes, people have questioned their genders for years before realizing they were cisgender, and there’s no shame in that. A lot of conditions present themselves in ways similar to dysphoria, and people can get confused. We wouldn’t have detransitioners if nobody’d ever made a mistake in their lives, it’s a normal and human thing. 

That said, most transgender people have doubts, too. We do not have the world’s easiest time, I think most people can agree to that. I’ve had times where I’ve intentionally triggered dysphoria, when I was in a really bad mental state, trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t mistaken- for the record I am not advocating this, it was a form of self-harm and I’ve grown out of that with help from a therapist- and I still sometimes worry. 

As far as whether or not you’re a trans man, I’d need a little more information. Nonbinary dysphoria presents itself differently than the dysphoria of a transgender man, mainly in that nonbinary dysphoria falls into the need for either a full lack of sex characteristics, both sets of sex characteristics, or ambiguous genitalia, whereas a trans’s man’s dysphoria will center around wanting any female sex characteristics to be fully male. It’s important to note that bottom dysphoria can be muted in trans men prior to other forms of transition, and it’s very common for it to increase after HRT and top surgery. 

Again, I hope you DM me for more information, but in the meantime, I hope this helps! 

[transmedicalism-saves-lives]

Sorry if this is weird but I think I might be nb (I have been questioning and going back and forth for literally years now tho) and I feel like I have very low to sometimes no chest dysphoria but kind of more bottom dysphoria? Do you know if that can be a thing?? Because I've only ever heard about it the other way round. Also is there any way I could get my parts to look like they would on t without things like voice change or getting facial hair?

That makes sense, if you have a small chest, or can bind on a daily basis. As far as a way to change you’re genitalia… talk to your doctor, but you might be in luck, bottom growth is typically one of the first changes from T, and it’s permanent, and the voice change doesn’t typically happen until later, so you might be able to go on temporarily. HOWEVER, THIS IS VERY VERY RISKY. DON’T DO THIS IF YOU CAN’T LIVE WITH ALL THE OTHER EFFECTS OF TESTOSTERONE, OR IF YOU CAN LIVE WITH YOUR CURRENT DYSPHORIA LEVELS. BE CAREFUL PLEASE. 

[tmitransitioning]

What does a nonbinary transition route look like? Does it even exist? 

[nonbinaryresource]

About wearing bras with binders - I found this brand of Hanes bras at Walmart that are kind of like those Genie bras that work great with binders. They're not sports bras, but they're styled like them and tend to keep breasts apart to bind easily. Not sure if this helps or anything, but that's the best I've found, and I have a D-cup chest to boot.

Thanks, cartowheel!  

I’ve worn those bras and they’re great on their own, too. 

[nonbinaryresource]

So I don't really care about my gender, but I still use she/her pronouns as well as they/their. Can I still identify as non binary?

Yep, you sure can!  I use any pronouns. If you’re comfortable with pronouns just being words people use to refer to you and not indicative of your gender, then that’s super convenient! (Though I’d love it if English added some “official” gender-neutral pronouns!)

- Mod Aldwin

[nonbinaryresource]

Sometimes i feel criticized for not identify as a binary gender. Any tips?

Hey there,

Any time the binary world starts getting me down (or I get disapproving stares in public) I like to think back to how I felt when I was trying to fit in as binary. For me, there was a lot of stress and confusion and anger and frustration - a lot of negative emotion.  Nothing the binary world can throw at me in their criticism can be as bad as having all that angst and suffering within myself.  Relaxing in non-binaryness, I’m free and comfortable.  If you can smile to yourself in the freedom of your identity, that’s a huge asset.

A friend of mine once told me that disapproval/criticism from others is like an infectious disease - it attacks from outside of us and the best thing we can do is be strong and vaccinate ourselves against the attack - and know IT IS NOT OUR FAULT. You are strong and perfect and wonderful in who you are; you can’t help it that the world is ignorant and set in its ways any more than you can avoid the common cold. And just like a common cold, any criticism thrown against you you’ll fight off and be stronger for the experience afterwards.

One day, you may even be immune. =)

Keep your chin up!

- Mod Aldwin

[nonbinaryresource]

i've always identified as a cis-female, mainly because I've never known what else to call myself. I was born a girl, so I'm a girl...I guess. But here's the thing. I hate it, I absolutely hate being a girl. All I've wanted in the last few years especially is to be a man, to look like a man, and do man things. But I've never IDed as something other than a girl, so I don't know how I could ever call myself a man. Is this gender dysphoria? Genderqueer? I'm so lost and confused.

Hey there,

One of the biggest problems with our binary society is that it enforces the idea that if you’re “born a girl” you must “be a girl, look like a girl, and do girl things” and if you’re “born a man” you must “be a man, look like a man, and do man things.”  These are all just social conventions and on an individual basis hold no power at all.

You have every right and every ability to be a man, look like a man, and do man things if that is what you want to do.  Try to forget about identifying “as a girl” - the first and most important step is always to give ourselves the space and opportunity to explore different ways of being and expressing.  Just give up “being a girl” for a while and see what you do, what clothes you wear, how you interact with others.  If you find going back to “being a girl” gives you great mental/physical discomfort, then that may be gender dysphoria.  If you really get into playing with gender as such, I’d welcome you into the circle of the genderqueer. =)

We often feel lost when we see no clear path ahead of us, when we’re spinning around looking for one to lead us out of the woods. Sometimes the best thing to do is to stop looking, take a deep breath, and let yourself go a little wild in the wilderness, in whatever way you safely can.  We can learn a lot about where we want to go and who we really are by letting go.

All the best.

- Mod Aldwin