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Tagged by @lycanthropequeen
Nickname: none lol
Gender: female
Zodiac: pisces
Height: 5’7
Sexuality: biromantic (??)
Hogwarts House: slytherin
Favourite animal: giraffe
Number of blankets: infinite
Where are you from: Canada
Dream trip: Italy
When did you make your account: OG probably 2010? This one 2018/19 though
I tag anyone who wants to do it lol
Talking has never been my strong suit. Sure I can get up in front of people and give a speech, and I don’t get embarrassed when I have to talk in front of the class; but that’s not what I mean. I mean talking to somebody, having a real conversation that isn't just me saying what they’re expecting. There are thoughts I have and tell no one. Not like I tell my mom or my best friend, but they don’t count. NO ONE. Not because I don’t think they’ll listen, but because they actually might. I've been with, and deal with so much crap that no one knows about that sometimes I just want to scream. But instead I internalize. I don’t talk to anyone about the real stuff... the really real stuff. I just let it build and build, occasionally it gets too full and I have a little breakdown... but that’s high school right? I don’t know why my brain is screwed up like this, but it is. But its so frustrating! When people ask me what I want to do and I say “Surgeon” and then they ask why, I always say something like so I can help people etc. But what I want to say is so I can hopefully prevent another kid from going through all the crap I did, to make someone feel better so they don’t end up all stressed over things they can’t control and feel bad for all the shit that they’ve forced their parents to go through. So that they might be inspired, like I was by my surgeon, and maybe do something they want to do and inspire others. But for now I’ll just have to keep the status quo. Stress about my AP exams, stay up late binge watching TV, obsessing over youtubers, and keep on pretending I’m normal. Of course nobody’s normal, but that’s a completely different subject to be addressed in a long ass text post that no one’s ever gonna read! but hey, gets it out of my brain at least.
I just want..
A nursing job. I want to feel needed. I want to use my skills, education and compassion to better someone's life. Weirdly enough , I want to feel the frustrations the nurses I follow on here feel. I know I can be a fantastic nurse. Just because I have three letters after my name instead of two doesn't mean I'm not as important and not a good nurse. I wish someone would take a chance on me. Goes to show you, what one person takes for granted another is praying for.
My blog's mostly stuff full of reblogs but to celebrate a hundred followers, I feel like I should do something special to thank you guys!
Any suggestions??
Leben
Sie
versinkt ein wenig in
Melancholie
Lebens Philosophie
und Selbstironie
Heart Failure, the shameless tale of lurve.
I never finish anything but I always have to have the last words. I used to be so bad about confrontation and now it seems like a second nature. I am bad at apologies and even worse at comforting someone. I don’t know how to make things better and sometimes it only feels like they can get worse.
I’m not complaining, many people would kill to be in the position I am in. I go to college, I am healthy, I have supportive parents, two jobs, I work with old people, and I own a car.
I don’t like to make things difficult but I’m so good at it, seems like second nature. I feel like I can never be happy for too long. There is no one to talk to because no one has been through some of the things I have been through. I wouldn’t wish the bad stuff on anyone and I’m too selfish to show someone the good memories I have. Sometimes that’s all I feel I have left.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder about love, not just my own personal love but why people love in the first place. Sometimes one person wants someone who is just like them, other times someone wants someone who is opposite of them but you never really notice these things until you’re too deep in to even care.
Love is when you do crazy things, something you would never do for someone else. Love is searching for that person’s face, and when you lock onto that face… Nothing else in the entire world matters. When you see each other your faces light up like Portland at night. The person you love is supposed to support you, build you up and give you hope.
Love is growing and growing together. I used to think that love should never have to be work but as I've loved and grown I've realized that’s mainly what it is. Love is working with each other and growing. It is work because the last thing you want to do is hurt the other person (unless they’re into that, beside the point… Gross). Love is kind of like a garden and if you want to have some beautiful flowers you better take care of them.
Diamonds and pearls? Yes, I think they are beautiful. I don’t want them if you feel obligated to get them. Love is not a diamond, love is not a pearl. Love is something you feel, and I don’t like something that makes me feel heavy. Eventually just like every girl, I do want to get married-that’s when a diamond is appropriate. Again, love is love. Love is not pressure, and it is not an obligation. It’s a promise, a heart filled, sacred, soul matey, and gushy, fucking promise.
You know what real love is?
When you’re crying your eyes out, and the person who loves you only holds you tight and cries with you. Or when they squeeze you because they haven’t seen you in a few days.
Love is like an angelic puppy dog waiting to greet you with only good things to say. They make you want to be a better person. And I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet.
Love is letting them sleep even if you’re not tired, or giving them the last piece of Domino's Lava Cakes. It's buying them Ginger Ale when their stomach is upset. And telling them to quit smoking because you want them to live longer.
Love is holding hands and rubbing your thumb over theirs.
Love is buying them sweaters because they just look fantastic in them.
Love is knowing what kind of sandwich to make them, and making a damn good too. (Hold the mayo and add extra cheese).
Love is laughing until you’re sore and no sound comes out of your throat.
Love is watching Family Guy, The Twilight Zone and Star Trek.
Once and a while switching on and off for Law and Order SVU and How I Met Your Mother.
The best kind of love is when you’re angry. You’re so pissed off that you can’t think straight, so all you do is drive until your mind runs its race and you can finally breathe. In those moments you don’t take your love for granted and you realize what you have to lose, and that’s something you both don’t really want. It's one of the heaviest feelings your heart will ever have. I'm surprised I haven't died of heart failure yet.
So what do you do next?
You cool off, then both talk, apologize, kiss a little, hug a lot and at night when you make eye contact, all you see is stars when you are looking for their soul… Only to realize they are wearing it on the outside when they are with you.
Sand
Boy2 opened the door and let us in. Boy1 was already with me, we walked down Whyte together and talked about if getting drunk in the ravine was a sexy date and I don't know why he even wanted to hang out with me because we get together and its very awkward and I can tell he doesn't want to be with me, in fact I think Boy1,2 and 3 all don't want to be with me, but they invite me and invite me and invite me and I simply arrive, and sit, and am silent. Why do they want me here to be nothing? Boy3 was already in the living room, where we went. I kept my shoes on because I am nervous of my feet and my toe nail polish was BRIGHT BLUE which is so very ugly and I wish I hadn't painted my toe nails that colour but I did and theres no point taking my shoes off if Im just going to have to look at it. I didn't even think about Dick. (Dick is the name of the human who took a little bit of my heart and dropped sand on it in all the little holes I had and I thought this sand would help the infrastructure of my heart and make it stronger and easier to love people with, but sand is not strong, and when the Big Bad Wolf came and blew the sand out, my heart fell down and then Dick tried to sweep the sand out so my heart would be clean, but Dick accidentally didn't remember that my heart was attached to me and decided to take a stroll around the old architecture but Dick just happened to be wearing soccer cleats that day and the soccer cleats were covered in Swine Flu and my heart is now very, very sick.) I was wearing a blue button up shirt and my hair was very dirty and there was no makeup on my face because I was just camping and sometimes I want to remind the Boys that I am comfortable with myself. Boy3 is the most attractive, he has muscles in his arms and his legs and thick thick hair and he is 1/10 shy which is more than Boy1 and Boy2 who are 0/10 shy and then there is me who is 11/10 shy and I barely speak but they ask me and ask me and ask me so I show up with my hair in a bun and I don't take my shoes off even though everyone else has their shoes off! There is some gross food on the table. It is gross, gross food because Boy2 lives with another Boy (Boy4) and they never clean. All the boys make jokes and I try to talk about a book and then the improvisers from Manitoba who are staying in my basement during the Fringe and how I don't know if I want to do a year of University or just audition around and suddenly my words are inaudible because Boy1 is making a vagina out of clothespins on the couch and Boy2 and Boy3 think this is all very funny. So I let my face do a sad face and Boy3 is the only one who notices. Does he care about me? He would never do anything like Dick. He has such a good heart but such a selfish scarf he wears around his heart and it makes me feel very very bad sometimes. Does he like me? Sometimes I think maybe. This is a new flutter I feel when I think about it because his hands are bigger than mine and he is very smart and has achieved a lot in his life and these are things that are attractive to me. Maybe I should ask him to hangout sometime. Maybe I should sit in my room and be alone for a long time until I remember that Dick is not even worth thinking about. The thing about sand is that it is exfoliating, and when you sweep it out, it erodes little bits of your heart that you wanted to keep for yourself to use for loving other people, and for loving yourself. I have no spots left in my heart for myself now, they are gone a lot. Some of those other pieces are gone too, and the ones that are left over are very raw from the sand scrub. Boy1 is very rude. Even though he says he's not.
Most Bike Shops...
Most bike shops are owned by shady ass people. They overcharge and hustle kids out of their money and have NO SHAME! They are only nice to the customers they know or people who buy expensive shit but after a few days they forget your name.. I don't know everything there is to know about a bike or how much every piece you need for a bike should cost or whatever but I do my research and do most labor on my bike myself unless I'm too lazy. I walked in a bike shop on Amar and Hacienda owned by some Asian guy asking how much would it be to get my headset pressed and sealed and he said, "Uhm..." looking me and my bike up and down, "About.." sweeping his face down and sitting back in to his chair eyes on the ground then to his laptop in a a single fluid motion whilst saying, "30$ and it wheel take an hour or more.." And in my mind I'm thinking, "wtf.. an hour or MORE? He isn't even working on a bike right now or anythingg.. And $30?! FUCK THAT!" So I remember some bike guy who has a stand at a local swapmeet had given me his card last time I went and I call him up arrange a meeting and it's at his garage. He looks at the bike and he fixes it and I gave him 5$. That's why I only go to him and the West Covina Schwinn guy next to Edwards.
