What’s your favorite myth (from any mythology)?
I really like this one from Nordic lore called Loki’s Flyting, which basically translates to Loki’s Roast Session in the modern idiom.
Okay, so, this was a goodly long time after Loki caused the death of Baldr, the golden-boy son of Frigga and Odin. He was nowhere near forgiven for it, but the gods were no longer mad with grief and sorrow, so most of them decided to go for drinks.
Their host was this dude named Aegir whom Thor and Tyr -- the one who got his hand eaten by Loki’s wolf-son, Fenrir -- stole a bad-ass, mile-wide cauldron for from Tyr’s dad, Hymir, and Aegir had promised to whip up some sick-ass brew for them as thank you. Now, Aegir wasn’t exactly thrilled to have nearly an entire pantheon stopping by when he only invited two, but it was unspeakably unacceptable to be a bad host, and even if he wanted to, who the fuck is gonna nope the door close when gods come calling?
So, everyone and their servant’s mother came to party. Thor wasn’t there because he was fucking around in Jotunheim again, but Sif, his wife, was there, as were Odin and Frigga, and Bragi -- the god of poetry -- and his wife, Idunn -- the goddess who protected the apples of immortality. There were also a bunch of others, others of the pantheon that I can’t remember off the top of my head, and also a bunch of Elves. (I don’t know why the Elves were there, but I’m assuming they either lived in the area or they just manifested whenever there was a rager going on.)
And so everyone was partying in that too-good-for-thee-peasants way, toasting to Tyr for wrestling the magic cauldron from his dad. (I could never figure out if this was metaphorically speaking or not.) They were all having a gay ol’ time, getting absolutely sloshed on some god-tier drank.
But Loki was also there, so. . . .
Apparently, Loki was legitimately allergic to the happiness of others; the chill atmosphere was giving him the shakes. When someone praised Aegir’s servants for excellent service, Loki jumped one with a knife and just straight up killed him, like, just shanked a ho out of nowhere.
Everyone was like, “WHAT THE FUCK, YOU CRAZY BITCH?!” and went at him with their weapons and shit, but Loki escaped into the forest before anyone could so much as slap him.
And then they all just returned to their drinks. I don’t recall anyone doing anything about the body, so I assume there was just a cooling corpse slumped over a bench that went ignored.
Eventually, Loki shows back up by, like, shadow-walking out from a corner of the Hall, and he ambushed another servant, demanding to know what everyone was talking about.
The servant was all like, “Yo, what the fuck? Um, they’re just going on about their weapons and battles and shit. Oh, and they’re calling you a bitch, too. Because, y’know, you’re a bitch.”
And then Loki was like, “No, you.”
And the servant was all, “No, you!”
And then Loki was like, “Bitch, I could verbally beat your punk-ass like you’re a pinata and I’m the birthday-boy whose parents just announced they’re getting a divorce.” And then he elbowed the dude out of the way and strutted into main room like he didn’t just get thrown out.
He was all, “Sup? Loki Skywalker here, ready to crack open a cold one with the boys.” Everyone was giving him the evil eye, but Loki was like, “Um, hello? Say something? Move over? Jeez, I came here to have a good time and, honestly, I’m feeling so attacked right now.”
Bragi had enough of Loki’s shit and said something like, “Oi, get lost, you asshole! Who even invited you?”
But Loki gave zero fucks about Bragi and said to Odin, like, “Dude, I thought we were bros. Thirsty bros before angry hoes!”
And Odin was like, “Ugh, fine,” and made everyone make a space and told his kid to pour one for Loki.
And Loki, instead of being gracious about it, started utterly reaming each and every one of them. Bragi was called a penniless coward; Idunn and her friend called thirsty sluts; Odin called wishy-washy; Frigga called a whore who slept with both of Odin’s brothers; Freyja called the biggest whore alive who slept with her brother as well and farted on him in bed; Njord was called a kidnapping victim who had his mouth pissed in and fathered a son with his own sister; Tyr was taunted with the assertion that Loki knocked up his wife and doesn’t pay a cent in child-support; Freyr was mocked for having to buy a wife; Heimdall was called an unimportant servant nobody gives a damn about; Skadi called a mouthy bitch and mocked for having slept with him before; and Sif, after trying to get on Loki’s good side, was accused of sleeping with him as well, cucking Thor in the process.
The gods tried send back insults themselves, but Loki would not be stopped. No one was spared -- not even the lowliest servants, Loki came for their lives.
Eventually, Thor showed up, and he was all, "Shut up or I’ll beat your ass with Mjollnir!” but he just kept repeating that after every insult Loki threw his way, so I think we can all agree that Thor was weak with his dissing game.
It got to the point where Thor was, like, frothing in rage and threatening to kill Loki.
It was at this point that Loki got bored of roasting everyone in sight and decided to leave, but he was still a huge drama queen, so as he was leaving he looked gravely around the room and said to Aegir, like, “It’s been fun, dude, and you brew some dope ale, but you’ll never have a party like this again. No, your home will burn down, destroying everything you have, and you’ll go with it!”
He basically went full Shakespearean “A plague on both your houses!”
And then he was gone, leaving everyone else all, “Um, what?” The threat was probably a lot more meaningful in the original language because literally everyone was terrified silent, staring into their drinks like it would be their last.
Mood officially killed, everyone just went home after that.
My summary of Loki’s disses don’t do them justice at all, so I recommend going to read the story on your own. It’s also called Lokasenna.
