Owning Your Birth: Prepare and Surrender
At the young age of 25-years-old, Justine always knew she wanted to give birth outside of the hospital. It was both her faith in God in trusting her body’s capability to give birth without intervention and watching “The Business of Being Born” that confirmed her desires of having a natural birth at a birth center. It was also this dual power of knowledge and spirituality that got her through the hardest part of her labor when she had to surrender and know that the only way out, is to push through it.
What interested you in having a natural birth?
Prior to pregnancy, when I thought about giving birth, I could not picture myself in a hospital bed hooked up to IVs and monitors. Hospitals stress me out and I did not want to be in one to deliver our baby. I was not sick or dying, I was just pregnant. Millions of women had done it naturally before me and I wanted to experience that as well.
What made you feel safe in having an out-of-hospital birth?
I felt safe because I knew I would not have to fight for what I wanted. I knew that being caught up in a hospital environment would make me anxious and affect my labor progress and thus introduce unwanted interventions.
I wanted my labor experience to be peaceful by surrounding myself with people I trusted. Knowing that Greg and I were free to make our own decisions without the pressure of hospital protocols made me feel safe and comfortable having a birth center birth.
How did your husband feel about having your first baby in a birth center?
I was pleasantly surprised when Greg had no hesitations about us delivering outside of a hospital. He said he knew how I felt about hospitals and just assumed it would not be in the picture. When I told him about Del Mar Birth Center, he was extremely trusting and comfortable with everything!
How was a childbirth education series beneficial for your labor and birth?
The most important thing we both took away from the birth classes was knowing the difference between active labor and "not labor yet" contractions. It wasn't the Hollywood "water brakes-rush to the hospital in a frenzy" scene. I knew I wanted to labor mostly at home so the classes informed us on what to look for in knowing when it’s time to go the to birth center.
It was very helpful for Greg specifically, to know what to expect and gave him confidence to know what to do to help me through labor as a partner. (He did an incredible job.)
We loved learning more about how amazing the body is and its inherent wisdom in knowing how to birth. We did a lot of research before, but having an environment like a birth class where you are surrounded by other expectant moms and partners to share and ask questions with was so encouraging.
Did you have any expectations about the birth process? Were those met?
I often wondered what it would be like and what I wanted to happen. But after reading and listening to countless birth stories, I realized a couple things.
Firstly, I had never given birth before, so even though others told me about their experiences and I read, I realized I would not know until I experience it myself. So I thought it would be more beneficial to relax and not stress myself out in having expectations or preconceived ideas about it.
Also, things don't always go according to plan. I knew it was important to have preferences but be ready for anything. My birth will be my birth, no matter what happens! Although I did expect that it would be painful and that I would most likely want to be in a hot tub (both of those expectations were met), I tried to stay as open as possible to whatever needed to happen.
Tell me about the birth of your daughter.
I was 3 days away from my due date when my labor started. I first noticed the contractions while I was out having lunch with my sister. They were about 10 minutes apart and a minute long. So, knowing this was still ‘not-labor-yet’ aka early labor, I ignored them for a while longer by going out shopping for a couple hours. When I was standing in line at Nordstrom Rack, the intensity of the surges grew stronger and I had to stop and breathe through them. We finished shopping and as we were saying goodbye I told her that the next time I see her, I will have a baby!
I made my way back home and kept busy around the house. The contractions started getting closer together and by the time Greg came home from work they were 5-7 minutes apart. We ate dinner and passed the time watching Netflix and using the yoga ball for different coping/opening techniques. Then we went to bed.
He fell asleep within a minute as he always does, and I knew I wouldn't wake him until it was time. I needed him well rested. I couldn't sleep through the contractions, because they were more intense but I did try and rest in between. I kept going back and forth between my bed and the toilet to find a comfortable position to labor in. They gradually started getting closer together and more intense throughout the evening and fast forward to 5 am, they were 3-4 minutes apart.
I woke Greg up and had him call the birth center to let them know what was going on and Shayna, the midwife on call, said she would meet us at the birth center in about an hour. So we took our time getting ready and made sure we had everything we needed.
When we arrived to the BC, Shayna had the hot tub prepped and some candles lit. The shift was about to change and another midwife, Sarah was coming in at 7. I had met with Sarah a few times for my prenatal check ups and felt extra comfortable and connected, so I was so thankful when she walked through the door!
Sarah checked my progress and told us that I was 4 cm and that our baby girl's head was a tad off center and not fully engaged. She suggested that I try and go home to progress some more. I didn't say anything out loud, but in my head I thought, "What?! Heck no! You're crazy!" I was so not willing to go back home. Sarah sensed my disappointment so she said we should take a walk around the block for a while to see if things changed.
In order to encourage my baby’s head to be better positioned, I stepped up and down along the curb. I did this for about 10-15 min before Greg asked if I wanted to walk around the block. At that time, there was a shift in my labor and my eyes glazed over. I could no longer just breathe through the contractions, I started vocalizing and moaning. Every 10 seconds I turned around, held on to Greg's neck and buried my face in his chest. Sarah came out to check on us and said, "Wow, you sound different!" We went back inside to check my cervical dilation and I now was 6 cm! I was so relieved that I didn't have to go back home (as that is the minimum dilation the birth center can admit one in labor). My body and baby knew exactly what I needed.
After that - things got intense. I alternated from the tub to the toilet because of all the pressure in my butt, I felt like I always had to poop. Sarah suggested I lay down in the bed for bit, as I think the tub slowed the frequency of contractions.
I laid on my side and the contractions were so intense that I really wanted to be back in the tub. After a few minutes, she helped me back into the tub and when I stood up, the bed was wet and I started leaking. It was only a small trickle, so we knew my water hadn't broken completely, but things were moving along.
I eased back into the tub. The warm water was much better to counter act some of the pressure. Greg sat outside the tub behind me on a yoga ball. He put his arms in the water and held me, while reassuring me what a great job I was doing. I remember turning over to all fours in the tub to change it up. I think I fell asleep in between one of the surges because my head had slipped into the water for a second and startled me.
I turned back over into a reclining position. The contractions were so intense. I remember the moaning turned to roaring with each surge. I was starting to get tired and was feeling very unsure and frightened by how intense things were getting. It wasn't good enough for me to just vocalize anymore, so I tried pushing with each contraction. It felt better to push which is how we knew it was time.
I pushed for a little over and hour, and I'm not going to lie, it was the worst hour of my life. I could feel my baby's head crowning and then go back in. I was afraid to go with the contractions and let my body do its work. I was afraid of tearing mostly, and I think I was fighting it. I started yelling "Ow! Ow! Ow!" every time her head moved down and closer to the outside. I'm sure I had crazy eyes. But Sarah knew just the right things to say to encourage and reassure me all was well and normal. She told me to feel my baby's head as she came out. I reached down and felt her. It was so strange and squishy feeling.
I wanted my baby out, but I needed to give in first and let go of fighting that feeling. So I gave into the urges and out her head came. That burned like crazy, but then the rest of her body slipped right out and she was in my arms at 12:55 pm. Relief swept over me. She started crying right away and immediately started sucking on her fingers.
After a minute, Sarah helped me get out of the tub and onto the bed to deliver the placenta. I didn't know this at the time, but I was losing a lot of blood. She was so calm and confident and didn't let on that there was any problem. She told me to just focus on my baby and that she needed to give me a shot of Pitocin to stop my bleeding. She proceeded with the uterine "massage" to help my uterus contract. This is the WORST name, by the way, for some one pushing on your stomach after you just gave birth. It was very unpleasant, but after what I just went through, I told myself to suck it up. She then told me I had a first degree tear on top and bottom but after she put in a few stitches, the bleeding stopped and the ordeal was all over.
Our sweet girl latched right away and feeding well. I didn't feel the rush of "love" hormones that I had heard some moms experience right after natural births. I felt more shock and relief than anything, but I was happy.
After a few hours, my family came into meet her while Greg and I rested in bed. We ate some food and kept hydrated to replenish fluids lost.
Showering was such a strange experience. I was looking down at my vacant, wrinkly belly and tried to take in all that had happened just a few hours before. I must have lost a lot more blood than I thought because I started passing out, thankfully the nurse was right there. She sat with me as I put my head between my knees. After regaining my strength and making sure I felt stable when standing upright, I got dressed, packed up and six hours after she was born, we were on our way home!
Our little family is doing well, and sweet Roosevelt Bea is growing like crazy and changing each and everyday! We were so thankful for our experience at the birth center and our hearts are full.
You were about to be sent home from the birth center before you felt something shift and contractions got stronger. What do you think contributed to the sudden progression into active labor? Mental? Positional?
I believe it was both! The walking up and down the curb helped her drop down and engage in my pelvis, but I felt determined not to go home. I just knew that going home did not feel right, and I felt like something would change very soon.
How would you describe early labor contractions compared to active labor ones?
Early labor felt like bad period cramps. They were painful and unpleasant, but I could tolerate them. Every 4-5 minutes I would close my eyes and take deep breaths and clench and un-clench my fists, and it got me through the contractions. I could talk through them and I felt like I was present. Active labor was ten times more intense for me, and it felt like I went into another realm.
What were some helpful coping techniques you utilized while in active labor?
What worked best for me was being vocal and being submerged in the warm water. I felt like an animal during active labor. The faster and stronger the contractions got, the louder I got. It was weird hearing myself, but it just came out! I also remember thinking affirmations to myself, like, "30,000 women are giving birth with me today; we were made for this; I can do this..."
What was the sensation of your baby descending in your pelvis?
The closest thing I can compare it to is a huge painful bowel movement. I definitely had flashbacks when I used the bathroom in the first week postpartum.
Did you have any fears about the birth process?
Although I was very fearful of tearing as I was in the middle of pushing her out, it was a short burst of panic that was over the minute she came out.
While I was pregnant, I didn't want to worry about all the what-ifs or bother with any horror stories because I was confident my body was created to do this. I familiarized myself with all the risks and different scenarios and then set them aside, and focused on visualizing a positive birth. I had a peace of mind throughout my pregnancy that only came from praying and trusting God to take care of us.
How was your husband helpful in keeping you calm and feeling safe?
We were not sure what I would be like or want in labor, so it was hard for him towards the end of the pregnancy feeling confident in knowing what to do. But when the time came, he was exactly what I needed. I didn't want to hear anyone talking or want anyone to touch me, so all those partner tips they teach you about counter pressure massage and the rebozo, etc. went out the window. He was just WITH me, holding space and encouraging me when I needed it. He would make sure I was staying hydrated and would give me sips of water, and tell me I was doing great. I could feel he believed in me and was proud of me, and spurred me on. This helped greatly!
What did you learn about yourself from the birth?
My body was created to do an amazing thing!
What would be your wise words to other moms preparing for a natural birth?
Giving birth naturally may seem insanely daunting at first, but fear and negativity will hinder you emotionally, which can totally have a physical effect on the progression of labor.
It is helpful to research and know the risks, but don't dwell on them. Trust in what your body was made to do, and whatever does happen, own it! It's YOUR birth and it's amazing.
