#norockstogetoff

[royally-loved]

Hard take : If you have a cluster B disorder and you don’t want to get better or attempt to recover, I don’t want to be near you. It’s fully your choice, I cannot control you, but there is a reason it’s a disorder.

“Getting better” doesn’t look the same for everyone, and it damn well doesn’t look the same between the disorders- but that doesn’t mean refusing to get better is a good choice or that you deserve to be around people who don’t want to deal with your shit.

Sometimes recovery is unmasking. Sometimes recovery is learning cognitive empathy. Sometimes recovery is respecting the little sense of self you have left and not trampling over it for attention or supply.

My recovery is unmasking and recognizing my disorder. It’s giving myself positive and consensual outlets for my needs. It’s confronting my implicit biases and understanding they’re not logical, they’re just easier than trying to be better to others.

I don’t care what your recovery is. Just put in some fucking effort.

[royally-loved]

"only a psychopath/sociopath would do this!" says the person who has no clue how cruel the average person usually is.

[royally-loved]

I hate when people take being told they’re being unempathetic as an insult.

I hate when I have to sit here and listen to them say they’re so very hurt by the fact they were told that they didn’t approach a situation with empathy. The response is “I’ll try to behave better next time” not “I am very empathetic and I feel so offended that you said I’m not.”

Your ability to experience emotional empathy is a fucking crutch to you, because behaving with empathy and feeling empathy are two different fucking things.

I have don’t feel empathy and I act better than you. You are below me. Be better.

[royally-loved]

Some cluster B self analysis :

One of the biggest struggles with my ASPD is the fact I feel so heavily misunderstood constantly.

Not having empathy feeling emotions in the same way as others usually makes everyone around you assume the “normal” feelings aligned with your behavior. I’m not angry, my tone is just flat. I’m not sad, Im just not smiling. I’m not upset with you- I just corrected you on a fact. Everything I say is flat out what I mean.

This is especially for those with physical bodily reactions that are beyond their control, such as myself. I so easily cry at any even slight emotion I feel. It’s something that annoys the hell out of me!! But it’s been this way all my life, and has only gotten more common the less I force myself to mask. I’m not crying for sympathy!

I don’t WANT to have a physical reaction! Quite honestly, it’s annoying as fuck. I have no control over it because anything I do experience enough to feel is so overwhelming. But it just… happens.

Being misunderstood feels like an affront to my personhood. It’s a situation that reminds me of my differences from others- and my faults that go along with it. It also is fucking hell to correct. You can’t tell someone who thinks you hate them that actually they misunderstood you because they assumed you were a “normal” fucking person.

This has genuinely ruined so many of my relationships- and it’s not my damn fault. I tell these people I do not play tone games. I do not naturally word things specifically to get a reaction. Though they always assume that I do.

So what’s the solution? Specifically wording things to get a reaction I want. Masking and I won’t lie MANIPULATING people because there is no other option. I don’t like manipulating people. It’s so much fucking effort. I don’t care about them enough to want to do it- I just care about not having everything I say picked apart for the sake of *checks nonexistent watch* someone who’s not willing to understand how I communicate.

Since I learned all of this was ASPD it’s clicked so well. It’s not because I want to hurt people. It’s not because I’m innately harmful. It’s not even because I’m too stupid to understand social queues.

It’s because my truth, my experience, and my existence is actively viewed as aggressive.

And I’m a fucking white guy with ASPD. I can only imagine how much worse it is for POC, who are already put in a position of being viewed as an aggressor.

[royally-loved]

if you're seeing this it means I fixed my queue <3 expect more original non-rp content from time to time mixed in here because this is also a blog for other parts of my life. though i'm still rping because this shit fun

[royally-loved]

I need to tear myself apart until there’s nothing left.

[royally-loved]

Love when people I’ve blocked on my main reblog my shit on here. You go girl!! Give us nothing!!

[royally-loved]

What would I be without you?

Alone. Constantly alone. I myself don’t mind it. It’s never been an issue for me to exist purely within my own life. Beyond everything else, in a way that’s almost unrealistic.

People pass by like… nothing. None of them seem to be on the same level as myself. Once I assumed it divine right, though, in my time I’ve realized it’s far different. Not a deficit, but truly a trait of my existence.

It was surprising when you broke through to me. You loved me far before I loved you. I wouldn’t even let you say it- but you found other ways to voice it. Then, somehow, after years of work… it happened. Never has someone done that before. Never.

So, is it really a shock that I need you this badly? What is the difference between need and love? I’m not sure if I have the capability to tell.

Dear Sir, I’ve never loved anyone before. This is love to me, and the most beautiful part about you is that you understand. That you love it too.