#not ttc

[latinobirds]

this is...completely unrelated to ttc or disney, so i will be tagging it as such and you can ignore it if you dont want non-disney content, but i just noticed...this blog is a better place to giving brazillian music recs then in my main.....

[mamaisoversharing]

I keep thinking I'm just going to deactivate these and then I never do. But then here I am right now.

In all the conversations about conflicting feelings of expanding our family, or not, things really seemed to be at a point where I needed to accept that what we have is enough and move on. But every time I try to make myself do something tangible like get rid of clothes, I freak out and can't do it. I was sadly trying to accept things and just do it, though.

Then this month, my body decided to play a very cruel trick on me. I've been having 27-29 day cycles, and this time my period didn't show up by day 29, or even 30. I was feeling kinda weird and starting to get suspicious. On day 31, I finally told my husband I was late and had decided I should take a test. Finally, very early on day 32 (Thursday) I took a pregnancy test with him there. It was negative. I felt sad. I think he was too a little. I thought this was going to be like a last ditch effort from my body and then I felt deflated. My period started later that day.

Yesterday was rough. It's been a more physically painful period on top of the emotional stuff. I honestly don't usually have very much in the way of cramps and they were awful. This morning (Saturday) I had some odd clumps of clots when I emptied my cup. And then it dawned on me that I could very well be having an early miscarriage. I have no idea if that's actually true, but based on my gut feelings, I think that's what's happening.

And I am heartbroken.

Especially because it feels like my last chance are slipping through my fingers. Then I feel ungrateful for the amazing and beautiful child I already have, but that's not it. I am incredibly grateful for her. I adore my little family. But I'm just so fucking sad about it.

[myttcbeginning]

I got the job!

I know I didn't post about interviewing, but I got the job and I'll be joining a medical billing team! All the work I've put in this year is finally paying off!

[thedeafzebra]

Also, I wish I could find a PCOS support group for people who don't want kids. All I see are TTC posts, infertility posts, women pissed off because someone made a pregnancy announcement. While my heart aches for these women, I need a place that doesn't revolve around this. I want PCOS support that doesn't revolve around infertility and pregnancy.

[bekindtoyou4007]

Day 5 of period and technically ended but still some cramps. Constipated as hell from all the painkillers. Struggling to eat without pain or tenderness in tummy which could be either issue. No question about it, going back on birth control. Just need to find a new birth control that doesn't give me 3 mini periods a month and regular yeast infections... I am now more confident than ever I also have endo but scared to start the journey of getting diagnosed. I feel like I need time to talk about the children issue and mourn but it's difficult. I don't know if I'm ready to accept that bio kids are out of the question yet, as it is its not clear medically if its 100% impossible or just very very unlikely. The pain I've been getting is just horrendous and wouldn't be tolerable if I was TTC, I don't think. I couldn't risk a fertility boost that feeds my evil cysts.

[welln0wwhat]

2dpo

The 2ww will kill me.

[dreamingofconceiving-blog]

.

Update: her job just decided to fuck up our whole lives for no reason so now i guess, instead of making a baby in the next year, we will be moving to somewhere neither of us want to live, abandoning my new business and entire career and passion and not having children because obviously her job is more important than everything.

[fightforfertility-blog]

March 19, 2017.

Wow, I haven’t been here in a while! 

Well, I always come back when I need it the most I guess. 

To update anyone who might still be following me, we’ve decided to stop trying to conceive for at least a year. My husband’s parents are taking out a $15,000 loan to help us get out of debt and we’re going to focus on paying that off. It’s sad, really, because the only reason we need the help is because of the medical debt from my miscarriage. Oh well, things happen. It’s just an eye opener really. We’ve come really far but we have a lot farther to go. 

And while I am super sad about this decision, legit it makes me cry to think about it, I am kind of relieved and happy. This gives me a whole year to work on myself, on weight loss. It gives me a year to be the best me and prepare to be the best mom I can be for my child. And after this year transforms my body, maybe it won’t be so broken. And maybe, just maybe, it won’t be so hard or take so long to get pregnant. 

It’s a good thing, really. I need to tell myself this every day because it truly is. It just hurts to be at this point. 

With that said, we’re not really trying to get pregnant but we aren’t going to prevent either. And if it happens, it is a miracle and it was meant to and it will be our time. If we get pregnant in this year we’re taking off, we were meant to have the baby. It was a divine gift at that point. 

Anyway! On to happier things! I will likely change the title of this blog to something other than FightForFertility in a few days when I can think of something more appropriate. But I am back. Lets focus on health and weight loss and financial security, yeah!!