way too much information

Formerly preggoandoversharing. Probably more than you need to know. 30-something, married. A blog journaling my journey from ttc to motherhood. Our sweet baby girl was born on 9/9/16! This is my side blog. Main blog full of fandoms, my life, and other bullshit is borahgrace, so I follow/like from there.

[mamaisoversharing]

So I still don't know what was up with that long cycle, but the next one I ended up having what the doctor thought was probably a ruptured ovarian cyst. I had sudden onset horrible (like put new on the ground) central lower abdominal pain for a day, that slowly slowly improved and went away. So I'm just guessing that was part of the whole deal and not a miscarriage like I suspected. Still a lot of questions and feelings about it all. Then a shorter cycle this month. I don't even know.

I did decide to buck up and be realistic about all of E's clothes again. So today I went through and sorted out A LOT. I made a box for a friend who just had a baby boy (because yes, I also had boy stuff I had collected), a box for my cousin with a 6 month old, and a sell pile to hopefully make a little money on. I did keep some stuff still. I can't let it all go just yet. I'm proud of myself for taking this step though.

I'm still hoping my husband will change his mind and we can have one more. But that's feeling farther and farther away every day. I'll be 35 this summer, he will be 37 this fall. My job is steady, but low paying, and often a source of immense stress, leaving a lot more stress on him.

Sigh. I feel very stuck and sad.

[mamaisoversharing]

I keep thinking I'm just going to deactivate these and then I never do. But then here I am right now.

In all the conversations about conflicting feelings of expanding our family, or not, things really seemed to be at a point where I needed to accept that what we have is enough and move on. But every time I try to make myself do something tangible like get rid of clothes, I freak out and can't do it. I was sadly trying to accept things and just do it, though.

Then this month, my body decided to play a very cruel trick on me. I've been having 27-29 day cycles, and this time my period didn't show up by day 29, or even 30. I was feeling kinda weird and starting to get suspicious. On day 31, I finally told my husband I was late and had decided I should take a test. Finally, very early on day 32 (Thursday) I took a pregnancy test with him there. It was negative. I felt sad. I think he was too a little. I thought this was going to be like a last ditch effort from my body and then I felt deflated. My period started later that day.

Yesterday was rough. It's been a more physically painful period on top of the emotional stuff. I honestly don't usually have very much in the way of cramps and they were awful. This morning (Saturday) I had some odd clumps of clots when I emptied my cup. And then it dawned on me that I could very well be having an early miscarriage. I have no idea if that's actually true, but based on my gut feelings, I think that's what's happening.

And I am heartbroken.

Especially because it feels like my last chance are slipping through my fingers. Then I feel ungrateful for the amazing and beautiful child I already have, but that's not it. I am incredibly grateful for her. I adore my little family. But I'm just so fucking sad about it.

[mamaisoversharing]

The end of that period was so normal feeling (although it had one additional light day) that I had almost convinced myself that I was making the whole miscarriage up in my head. Until today.

This afternoon around 245, I started having fairly constant abdominal pain. I'm not constipated, but thought it could be gas pain. I laid flat on my stomach for awhile, but it wasn't giving me any relief and it was getting pretty painful. I texted my husband, and he told me to call my dad (he's a retired chiropractor). So my dad came and adjusted me and did some CMRT, which did help give me some relief. The pain was pretty much direct center below my navel. And it was extremely tender to the touch. He told me he thought it wasn't my digestive system, but more my uterus or ovaries. 😔

It felt better after some ibuprofen and heat pad. I haven't had any additional bleeding or anything, but it's still not completely "normal" feeling yet.

[mamaisoversharing]

I keep thinking I'm just going to deactivate these and then I never do. But then here I am right now.

In all the conversations about conflicting feelings of expanding our family, or not, things really seemed to be at a point where I needed to accept that what we have is enough and move on. But every time I try to make myself do something tangible like get rid of clothes, I freak out and can't do it. I was sadly trying to accept things and just do it, though.

Then this month, my body decided to play a very cruel trick on me. I've been having 27-29 day cycles, and this time my period didn't show up by day 29, or even 30. I was feeling kinda weird and starting to get suspicious. On day 31, I finally told my husband I was late and had decided I should take a test. Finally, very early on day 32 (Thursday) I took a pregnancy test with him there. It was negative. I felt sad. I think he was too a little. I thought this was going to be like a last ditch effort from my body and then I felt deflated. My period started later that day.

Yesterday was rough. It's been a more physically painful period on top of the emotional stuff. I honestly don't usually have very much in the way of cramps and they were awful. This morning (Saturday) I had some odd clumps of clots when I emptied my cup. And then it dawned on me that I could very well be having an early miscarriage. I have no idea if that's actually true, but based on my gut feelings, I think that's what's happening.

And I am heartbroken.

Especially because it feels like my last chance are slipping through my fingers. Then I feel ungrateful for the amazing and beautiful child I already have, but that's not it. I am incredibly grateful for her. I adore my little family. But I'm just so fucking sad about it.

[mamaisoversharing]

Haven't been on here much at all lately. Such is life.

[borahgrace]

I truly love the time when I'm the only one awake, but we are all together. I crawled into bed after The Mayor was already asleep. Leroy followed me. Then Elfie woke up and crawled up into bed, too. Finally, Pru joined us after everyone else was settled in.

Dog at my feet, cat on one side, toddler on the other, husband next to her.

I feel content right now.

[mamaisoversharing]

I'm not ungrateful. I just feel like I'm supposed to have one more baby. The reality is that I probably couldn't handle that, mentally or logistically. My husband is not on board with another child. I feel guilty for wanting another when people I love dearly cannot. I don't know how to snap out of it. I feel like I can literally hear that biological clock ticking. I can't just shut that part of my brain off. Am I having a mid-life crisis already?

[mamaisoversharing]

THREE. I can't believe this amazing creature is three years old today. Smart, funny, sassy, sweet, adventurous, independent, loving, curious, kind. It's hard to even put words to how much we love and adore you. Eleanor Faye, we are so proud to be your parents. 💖🧚‍♀️3️⃣

Do not reblog, repost, or remove caption.

[mamaisoversharing]

This is all I ever want to do. Glad she will still do this sometimes.

Too bad we're going back to the office in 15 minutes.

It feels like a lie when I say I love or enjoy my job. I like less and less about it these days. I feel like because it's family, and I spent so much time and money getting here that I can't leave. It's nice to be able to take days off when I want and somewhat control my schedule, and amazing to bring her to work. Then the doubt creeps in that bringing her is not giving her a good childhood. Business is slow, and working for next to nothing certainly sucks.

Anyone want to give me a trust fund or something?

[mamaisoversharing]

Elfie has been doing pretty well with sleeping in her big girl bed. Or at least starting the night there. She does usually end up in our bed in the early morning. I'm okay with that. I do have to stay by her little bed until she falls asleep, which is killing my hip because I'm 3000. She still occasionally asks for boobie milk and it's been over a month, so I tell her there's none left. Then she's sad and says she wants to stay little 😭

I've been very short tempered and snappy lately, and I feel like a shit mom. Go figure. Same old story. Pretty sure I'm giving my sweet girl anxiety. I need to work on that.

Many of our "baby friends" are getting ready to have younger siblings and it's killing me. I want a baby so badly. I have no logical reason, other than I just do. My husband is totally against it. I absolutely can't let it go. It would be so hard even logistically, I don't know why I can't accept that. Or just be happy I already have an amazing kid. Stupid biology.

Work is still not my favorite thing. I'm still stuck.

[mamaisoversharing]

I was lying down with Elfie tonight. In my bed, as usual, when out of nowhere she asked if she could sleep in her big girl bed. (Her crib with the side off like a toddler bed, still in our room.) Who was I to say no? We had to be restless awhile and I patted her back for a good chunk of time, but she fell asleep and has been there for almost two hours. Not sure if she will last all night, but that's okay too.

Why is she so big?!

[borahgrace]

Tomorrow, Thursday, is my birthday (34, wahoo) so today I got my white roots covered and my ombre toned copper. 🔥 I love it. When I get my hair colored is the only time I really have my hair blown out too, so that's always fun. I'm too lazy. 🤷

Despite having this fun, I was an anxious, grouchy mess today. And a shit mom. That usually goes hand in hand.

Having a garage sale this weekend with my bff/hair stylist and the beforehand process of sorting through Elfie's stuff, coupled with recent conversations regarding the ever decreasing chances we will have any more kids (which is not the outcome I want), plus my birthday and turning older, plus recently completely weaning my toddler have all left me feeling really messed up.

Trying to look on the bright side of things. I'll make a little bit of money this weekend, I'll get a bit of a break from being with my kid 24/7 (I love her so much, but I need a break), we're going to have dinner Saturday with a friend who has a birthday Friday and her husband, I have family coming to visit me next week. All good things.

[mamaisoversharing]

I think I'm going to officially call it done with nursing. Elfie hasn't nursed before bed for several nights. She asked for it tonight, but I told her the milk was gone. It made her sad, but we cuddled and she went to sleep.

I am ready to be done, and never thought I would make it this far, but I am heartbroken, too.

[mamaisoversharing]

I took a bit of a hiatus from this site for awhile, but I miss reading post, and posting, and having that to look back on. So here I am again.

Elfie is quickly nearing 3 years old and I cannot even believe it. People are not freaking kidding when they say it goes quickly. By most accounts, her language skills are top notch, and she is so sweet and funny. I just can't believe she's real sometimes.

We are still breastfeeding, which I never thought we would still be doing. Only right before bed most nights. This week after several nights in a row of no milk, she asked for some last night and again this morning. I thought we both might be ready to wean, but we have both been really emotional this week, so maybe not.

I'm once again in a bit of a down mood about the reality that my life being what it is, another baby is not going to be in the cards. I still bring E to work with me, I still struggle with anxiety/depression, I still don't make enough money. I need to suck it up and accept that reality, especially so that I can sort through her baby stuff and put it in the garage sale I'm having with a friend in a few weeks.

[mamaisoversharing]

I was a shitty mom who yelled a lot today. I don't know why I get so frustrated and angry. She's a toddler. She does toddler shit. Sigh.

No nap today, because she didn't want to take one. Still took an hour to get her to sleep. My husband does put her to bed sometimes, but I can never complain when it comes to that because he says I created the mess by letting her cosleep. 😞 But I love having her right there. She gets scared if we aren't in bed when she wakes up. I just don't want to fight her for two hours every night. I know she's overtired and then the next day is a whole mess too.

I'm feeling at the brink. My job is sucking the life from me and everyone else is just getting the shitty leftovers. Leaving that job right now isn't really an option, though. In fact, I'm actually looking at a second job because we need the money. There goes the rest of my sanity.

I really wish I would have gone to therapy in the beginning of all this post partum depression and anxiety. If you're struggling, please go! As for me, I'm having a hot bath with a stress relief bath bomb and writing this...

[borahgrace]

“Mama, let me down on Daddy’s couch.” Mornings are tough when you are a night owl. #same #efb #browniebite #nightowl #bigmood https://www.instagram.com/p/Bvzv2SEHkck/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=m8w5a1xo9w20

Do not repost or remove caption.

[mamaisoversharing]

Hard day, hard week, hard month. I'm tired of things always feeling hard. I've been a really awful mom lately and we are just at the point of getting all over each other's nerves. Maybe on my day off we can spend some time outside and just reconnect.

[mamaisoversharing]

I wish I knew what to do to better help or support my daughter when she seems to freak out for no reason. I'm sure there is a reason for her, but mostly I get confused and short fused. I'm questioning my whole life again, so there's also that. Being a toddler must be tough, though. And it's heartbreaking to me to watch her have a hard time, especially when I'm not as gentle as I should be. I think we've reached the limit on her being at the office with me, but I still don't really have another option.