I keep thinking I'm just going to deactivate these and then I never do. But then here I am right now.
In all the conversations about conflicting feelings of expanding our family, or not, things really seemed to be at a point where I needed to accept that what we have is enough and move on. But every time I try to make myself do something tangible like get rid of clothes, I freak out and can't do it. I was sadly trying to accept things and just do it, though.
Then this month, my body decided to play a very cruel trick on me. I've been having 27-29 day cycles, and this time my period didn't show up by day 29, or even 30. I was feeling kinda weird and starting to get suspicious. On day 31, I finally told my husband I was late and had decided I should take a test. Finally, very early on day 32 (Thursday) I took a pregnancy test with him there. It was negative. I felt sad. I think he was too a little. I thought this was going to be like a last ditch effort from my body and then I felt deflated. My period started later that day.
Yesterday was rough. It's been a more physically painful period on top of the emotional stuff. I honestly don't usually have very much in the way of cramps and they were awful. This morning (Saturday) I had some odd clumps of clots when I emptied my cup. And then it dawned on me that I could very well be having an early miscarriage. I have no idea if that's actually true, but based on my gut feelings, I think that's what's happening.
Especially because it feels like my last chance are slipping through my fingers. Then I feel ungrateful for the amazing and beautiful child I already have, but that's not it. I am incredibly grateful for her. I adore my little family. But I'm just so fucking sad about it.
