#notetovee

[dearvivenne]

July 22, 2018 - 6 Weeks

Dear Vee, For your sake, I’m trying to stay calm. Which is difficult, as there are many irritating people in this world. Especially when one of them happens to be your (maternal) grandmother. You’ll no doubt hear my blood pressure rise when I speak to her. God bless her kind-yet-chaotic soul. 

Which is why I strive to be a great mentor to you....so that you’d actually want to hang out with me when you’re older rather than treating it as an obligation.  Anyway. You’re the size of a chocolate chip today...with stumps for limbs and a little tail....sorry, but gross. Ha! 

Edit: I stopped eating foods that dropped on the ground. The things I do for you, I swear.

Edit 2: Is it bad to admit that I wish you look like T and me? Praying that you don’t look like I just reproduced asexually. You’d be cute, but still...I don’t want T to hold you and have others think that a white man has kidnapped a little Asian girl. 

xoxo, E. 

[smilingskiess]

Death will taste sweeter than this I've never known this much pain Who would've known eyes could cry so much The heart could be wrenched into unimaginable dimensions Frustration enough to tear every bone out of my body Existential crises. Painful living When your best is not enough When love isn't enough. When love is the problem.

[smilingskiess]

Feeling really stressed and really crap. Just want to hide in a hole and hibernate. No one I can turn to and be sheltered under. Alone. Toughen up Vanessa. Protect yourself. Life goes on. Nothing waits for u.

[smilingskiess]

It seems that I find security in those around me. That I centre me and myself on them and if they're not around I start feeling uneasy like unsettled. Relying too much on other people? Something I need to work on, to be self sufficient, happy and confident being who I am and doing things on my own.. and through it all enjoy it. Quite a few things I really want to work on this year, my timekeeping, my discipline, my health, exercise, being a better friend, working hard in my studies and towards my goals.. Scared me a little, the slack and inner drag in me is more prevalent nowadays.. You should see the state of my house, I just leave things everywhere, on the ground, table just... "can't be bothered" Might as well be a blob... I hope I'm not going to that place again.. I will work hard.

[smilingskiess]

You cant ask someone to love you, if they do, they will.

I will just love you and be me (:

[smilingskiess]

I miss u. But I will keep working hard. We can do it. I can do it.

[smilingskiess]

Lol, when at this moment. All I need is you to hey! I missed u, let's do this. I love u.

[smilingskiess]

So what if I love you. So what if I want you. I'm all alone. I try my best. But I'm scared of your answer. But even worse I'm scared of your silence. If I silence myself. I won't need to dwell in your silence. I won't need to hear the ringing silence. I won't hear the evil thoughts and words. That u don't want me, you don't love me, u don't care about and that you have given up on me. I thought u loved me. We had happy times. Where are u? Where did u go.