SELF REALIZATION (from this morning)💭
I finally admitted, to myself, that the reason I keep thinking about the old people in my life and trying to make amends, especially with old friends or family that did me wrong, is because I lack new, loyal, people to replace them.
Even when I try to get close, there becomes a point where I start to fall back, and I never truly get tight enough with new people, where they could potentially replace the toxic faces I still carry memories of.
It's no exaggeration that I've been seriously effected by toxic people, in my past. I never did talk to my therapist about this side of me. It hinders my relationship patterns. They start good and then I get distant....because I don't want to expose my life and complexities to them, and then have it be for nothing.
I've also learned, from dealing with past shady friendships, that people will tell your private business to make themselves feel better. It's embarrassing. I'm tired of being embarrassed. I have a whole blog for that. The least you can do, as my "friend", is hold your tongue regarding my intimate life. Not a lot of people I've encountered know how to do this... so I stay in shell, more often.
So how have I been handling all this?
Showing love from a distance. Through text messages, calls here and there (b/c I don't like talking on the phone), social media messaging, seeing them here and there, whenever is convenient for me, and as long as I have a way to slip out when I'm ready... this is how I've been doing it. This is how I've been coping.
Love those who love you no matter how difficult you or your life can be, is what I've been told....and I'm doing the best I can with a half open heart.