Am I shy? Or ‘just not that social?’
Am I shy? Or ‘just not that social’?
I’m definitely shy. I struggle to be myself around others. I get nervous, self-conscious. I fear judgement. Even interacting with members of my own family can cause me to curl up and stiffen in my shell.
And yet… I also consider myself to be someone who is ‘just not that social’.
Someone whose default setting is silent.
And I don’t think this has anything to do with my shyness.
Even in those social situations in which I am more comfortable, I still won’t say a whole lot, because… I just don’t really feel the need to.
This is not a shyness thing, more a ‘can’t be arsed’ thing.
I’m perfectly content to keep my own counsel; to let the conversation go on around and without me.
Talking kind of bores me, if I’m honest. I don’t find it a very satisfying way to express myself.
I know a lot of people get lonely without frequent doses of chin-waggery, but not me. I’d much rather be hanging out at home by myself. Listening to music, reading books. Writing shit like this.
On the rare occasion I do find myself at some get-dressed-up-and-PAR-TAY event, I’ll get anxious about how much I’m not talking. But my silence isn’t all down to shyness. Boredom has a lot to do with it as well. A ‘what’s the point, is it time to go home yet?’ feeling takes over. And I think this lack of interest is what contributes to my insecurity in a lot of social situations.
So, why am I mooching over this?
‘Cause I’ve been thinking lately about whether to undergo therapy to shake off some of my shyness (I’m not sure if it would be possible to conquer it completely).
Not because I want to be transformed into a social butterfly. I could have all the therapy in the world and I’m pretty sure on emerging from my cocoon of shyness I would still prefer solitude over socialising. My ‘just not that social’-ness is an innate part of me, I feel, and nothing can change that.
I’m a loner, a solitary.
That’s who I want to be in the world.
But my shyness stops me.
It keeps me cowed, always worrying about what people think about me. So, I don’t tell people I don’t want to go out. I get embarrassed about admitting to my weekends and holidays spent alone.
It stops me from setting boundaries. It makes me too sweet too smiley too ‘yes-that’s-no-problem’-y.
And it makes me feel all skew-whiff in my own skin. It stops me from stretching out, taking up space, and moving with ease, naturally.
All in all, being shy stops me from being my true self in the world.
Becoming less shy would, I feel, enable me to live more honestly, more authentically. No longer so afraid, I would quit giving people the girl they want to see, the girl they expect to see; and instead let them see the real - ‘just not that social’ - me.
