#ntn hc

[nettieyaps]

on my gabe goodman alive headcannon kick — think about how much more impactful i’m alive is when it’s about being mistaken for a sibling, a twin, he never knew. (read my prev hc for backstory!)

he got michael’s stuffed bear when he was two. even at eighteen, it’s his comfort item. still hangs onto his baby blanket to hold when things get bad. it’s never been washed. it smells like gabe now, but it’s a tangible reminder of the piece of him that he lost when michael died.

i don’t even imagine ‘i’m alive’ as confrontational when he’s actually alive. more of something he sings to himself. more of a ballad. more of holding onto himself when sometimes his mother makes it feel impossible.

it’s just supposed to be a little reminder, maybe not even to his mom, but to himself. he’s here. he’s alive. but it never quite feels like enough.

“I am more than memory

I am what might be, I am mystery

You know me, so show me”

all the normal teenage rebellion, he never had. he was his mothers protector. his sisters protector. gabe got used to crying alone in his room, but never correcting diana after he understood why she was doing what she did.

she couldn’t help it. none of them could. not the doctors. not the pills… but if he really put his mind to it, just for a moment, gabe could.

after the first od / suicide attempt in the kitchen, he started sitting awake on the counter. gabe’s sleep schedule shifted with diana’s episodes. if it seemed to be getting worse—if she seemed more detached from reality—he was on that counter.

listening. watching. waiting. he got used to playing a part. mom was better when she thought both her boys were alive and well, so he’d give her that.

for just an hour. for just when she really needed it. he could play michael. he could act like it didn’t hurt. he could smile. he could hug her. he could take being called michael. just when she really needed it.

he could make up accomplishments that weren’t his own and hope that maybe, she’d feel better. sometimes, selfishly, he’d hope she would see him. she’d realize that it was him. it was gabe. he was here.

just until college. just until college.

[nettieyaps]

gabe goodman & "living"

BASED ON PREVIOUSLY POSTED HCS! READ BACK JUST A COUPLE OF POSTS!

he had this little bear since he was two. he half-remembered getting the little guy, even though he was ratty as all hell now. his mother named him. all the other stuffed animals, gabe had been allowed to name. this one already had one.

'mikey'.

gabe never questioned it. he never knew. he was too little to question it, but he wasn't too little to feel the void where something should've been. just too young to know what it was. just too young to have words for the questions.

to be told what it was. what the family had lost. what he had lost.

when dan explained it to him, he told gabe that he would've had a "built-in-best-friend". gabe still didn't quite get it. he only knew that sometimes mommy got confused and called him michael. he only knew that if michael were still there, mommy would've been better. okay, maybe.

it wasn't even next to normal.

he didn't get it, but it wasn't long before he felt it. it wasn't long before he stopped correcting her. it wasn't long until he'd pretend, and he'd act like it was the most normal thing in the world.

a five-year-old, taking on a weight he never should've felt responsible for. before long, a nine-year-old, planning around having to take it up. an eleven-year-old, spending school days making up stories instead of focusing in class.

he understood it then.

it wasn't even next to normal.

as a teenager, he realized how heavy it was. this weight of a sibling he carried like second skin. this loss that he had to carry. he would've had a twin. a best friend. someone just enough like him that they'd get it. there was always this knowledge that they'd take it with him, or there would be nothing to take at all. this knowledge that he would never measure up.

no matter how many clubs he joined. no matter how many instruments he played. no matter how many sports he poured all of himself into. he could never give her michael.

because gabe wasn't michael. he never would be. he'd never be two halves. he had been whole his entire life – at least he thought he had been.

so junior year, gabe branched out. joined drama. joined chess club. all of these things that he could tell his mother he was doing when she thought he was michael... and he guessed that it would have to be enough.

it wasn't even next to normal.

but it was his job now. holding the pieces together when his father couldn't. he couldn't be gabe, the athlete. couldn't be gabe, the key club captain. couldn't be gabe that played in the jazz band. that loved music and dancing and just... being. sometimes, he couldn't be gabe at all.

but it kept natalie safe. it kept her from hurting more. it kept her from feeling the same weight he felt. gabe was older. he could handle it. he told himself that, at least.

sometimes, with no warning... he just had to be michael. he had to have answers for that. it fucked his identity. sometimes, he just had to have natalie tell him that he was here. he was alive. they dealt with that turmoil together.

it wasn't even next to normal.

but it was how they survived. none of the meds helped. none of anything helped besides gabe taking on this role he never asked for. never wanted to take. might've wished a time or two that he never even knew about.

a part of him always loved the twin he'd never known, but another part of him was just sick. was just tired. was just heavy. was just hurting more than any teenager every should... was just... done. long before he should've felt that way.

it was how gabe kept his mother moving forward. it was the only answer. the only thing to give comfort. the only... anything.

and it wasn't even next to normal.

gabe knew that it wasn't.

once he was in college, 'michael' got a motorcycle. that was gabe's plan. when diana was stable enough, he'd spin the story. tell his mom that his twin brother had gotten a bike.

and when he set up the accident, it would suck. it would hurt... it would hurt both of them... but maybe, this way, he could get to give it up.

maybe losing a grown boy in a freak accident was better than losing a real baby when he hadn't even taken his first breath.

natalie told dan through tears. he never argued against gabe's plan.

maybe dan felt guilty. maybe he was just as tired as gabe was. maybe he'd come up with a plan, but didn't quite have enough guts to get through it.

maybe now was the time.

maybe now, they could move on.

maybe now, they could be something next to normal.

maybe now, gabe could just be gabe.

maybe now, that could be enough.