What Your Friends’ Names Really Mean
I get tired of all those name-origin explanations that claim "Bob" really means "Noble King With Surprising Knowledge of Agriculture" and "Jen" really means "She Whose Boutique Contains Many Overpriced Items." So instead of "Wise Ruler of Numerous Small Islands" or "Brilliant Star in the Northeastern Sky After 3:45 a.m.," here are a few modern common name meanings to apply to your friends. (I have decided to leave off the actual names, because the way I see it, that makes these no less accurate. You can fill them in yourself if you wish.)
[NAME] — Poster of nothing but pictures of her new baby all day long.
[NAME] — Poster of nothing but pictures of her cat all day long.
[NAME] — She who is incapable of saying anything that isn't passive-aggressive.
[NAME] — He who somehow believes that rude and offensive statements are the same as jokes.
[NAME] — One who makes vague, needy, whiny statements on social media and then angrily refuses to clarify, citing privacy.
[NAME] — Shameless self-promoter.
[NAME] — Desperately lonely and sad.
[NAME] — Possessor of far more self-confidence than what would be justified by the facts.
[NAME] — Reflexive re-poster of links to articles she has not read.
[NAME] — He who only shows up in your feed to mock and belittle.
[NAME] — She who argues with every statement.
[NAME] — Makes everything about politics.
[NAME] — One who seems to think he is your friend.
[NAME] — He who peaked very early in life and now is on a long, slow, agonizing slide through middle age towards mediocrity, despair, and death.
[NAME] — Black hole of constant emotional need.
[NAME] — Seeker of validation through Facebook "Likes."
[NAME] — Queen of Selfies.
[NAME] — Tumblr user whose feed is lightly and unexpectedly sprinkled with extremely hardcore porn.
[NAME] — Hijacker of threads.
[NAME] — The person you only follow to keep track of the ex you remain obsessed with.
[NAME] — Persistent requester of nudes.
[NAME] — He whose life is a never-ending series of existential crises.
[NAME] — Belligerent grammar critic.
[NAME] — He who still pretends to not be gay.
[NAME] — She whose only mode of social interaction is flirting.