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15 Things They Don’t Tell You About Leaving the Servidoras

After my grand letter to all of the sisters and superiors of the order back in 2015 (http://www.iveinfo.org/2016/03/letter-from-ex-ssvm-superior.html ,) I never really thought I would be writing to any group or former group of the institute again. However, due to the considerable amount of what I call “post-convent deprogramming” I've done over the years with former servidoras, (literally to this week!) I've felt moved to write again because it's just so noteworthy how so many women have experienced similar types of situations, both inside the convent and once they have left. The number of women I have helped in this province (about 15) is very small compared to the actual number who have left the convent in this province (50+ easy.) As you'll read below, it's often very difficult to reconnect or find former sisters once you have left. That number does not include the dozens of parents & friends of sisters or seminarians who have also reached out with questions and concerns from my original letter. What I wrote in that letter hits such a cord because it’s all true. It’s pretty simple. And folks find solace and relief when their concerns are stated aloud and their questions answered by an insider.

I've been home from the convent now for over 5 years and in that short time I have personally connected with at least 15 other women who have left the Servants of the Lord in this province and helped them to transition and de-program. All but one of these women were younger than me in religious life & were there fewer years than myself. (I was in almost 8 years, longer than most!) In some way, I feel a responsibility to help confirm their concerns and shake out the programming, and I actually enjoy re-connecting and holding that space for them. So many have expressed huge relief at being able to share stuff they've never told anyone or get confirmation on things they had a hunch were not ok, that happened inside. I'm speaking mostly about cult-like programming, behavior & manipulation, although sexual scandal is not foreign to the institute either (male and female branches, founder, all of it.)

For those of you who don't know or have never read anything else I've written about convent life, my general opinion is that while we learned a lot of transferable skills & traveled to interesting places during our time with the ssvm, I do believe it functions as a religious cult. The order exhibits behaviors and mental programming that you will find across the board and any other type of cults (I don’t say this lightly. They check out - https://culteducation.com/warningsigns.html) Thus, the transition out of the order can be arduous, especially when it comes to learning how to de-program mentally. In the order, the programming is deceivingly wrapped up in sparkling divine concepts and holy ideals, so deprogramming often means rejecting even what once were tightly held spiritual beliefs, close to our hearts & identities. They play a tight game and they play to win.

So here goes: 15 Things They Don’t Tell You About Leaving the Servidoras

It’s long. All my posts are long. Each theme could easily be it’s own separate blog post. So, don’t think of it as a blog. Think of it as chapters in a book & enjoy! As always, thank you for reading & I’m happy to engage about any of these topics!

About You:

What’s the Schedule for This? There is no right way to do this – it’s messy and that is one of the best lessons! While most things in the convent and in the church were black & white, this journey is not! It’s not linear and it looks different for each person. There is no life timeline you need to be on & you’re not “behind” everyone else. You are on your life path that is exquisitely perfect for you. Enjoy it. Take your time. Breathe. Observe. Be grateful that you lived a few years in a really unique, really rare way. There is no rush to get anywhere – you don’t have to hop into a huge career, you don’t have to get a degree, you don’t have to date or get married (ever,) buy a car or a house or get credit cards. What you label as a “transition period” in your life is actually just your life and as rich, important and meaningful as any other time, so take it in. Enjoy. Relax. Allow the new energy to settle into your cells. It’s all good, new and rejuvenating for you. It’s your life’s journey, just like everyone else’s. It winds, has hills and valleys, moments of clarity and joy, and moments of confusion. All of this is ok, healthy and normal. Embrace your unique journey. You are exactly where you are meant to be.

Rest! In the convent, we never stopped. The schedule was full from morning till bedtime and having open, unstructured time was looked upon suspiciously. It will take some time to adjust to a slower, more open pace of life. It will feel uncomfortable! Rest includes sleep and leisure. Know that it's okay to get a full 8 hours of sleep or more, it's okay to sleep in and it's okay to go to bed early. Our bodies recover mentally and physically while we sleep, so getting plenty and quality sleep is crucial to feeling bright and ready for the next day. (Applicable to any human, not just former nuns!) Leisure is the second part of rest and it's going to feel really uncomfortable to have unstructured free time. Know that it's okay to lounge, take walks, doodle, read, people watch and even watch TV or listen to music! None of it is a sin, you won’t be wasting time. You have not had real mental or physical rest in a long time and your nervous system is probably still in stress mode – cortisol all over the fucking place! It takes a few months of settling into a slower pace of life for your body to breathe and relax. My best teacher in this area was nature. The pace and vibration of the forest, the flowers and the ocean helped my nervous system to adjust. So, bottom line is slow the fuck down and enjoy it! Your body will thank you, I promise!

Clothes? This may not be true for everyone, but my first experiences with shopping for clothes it was really difficult & triggering. After so many years of ignoring our bodies and our figures,and generally relating them to sin or negative programming, it was hard for me to feel comfortable in clothes that were more fitted or generally to give positive attention to my female figure. It was hard for me to look in the mirror and see my curves. It was very uncomfortable. I got a teaching job quickly, so I had to find work appropriate clothing. For the first few months I definitely wore turtlenecks and khakis! I have photos to prove! It's okay to feel like a fish out of water while clothes shopping (among other socially normal activities!) Learning to love and be comfortable with your body is a deeply personal journey. What ended up helping me eventually was discovering yoga and, again, being in nature. I've written about both on my blog, as well as my body journey in various posts there (http://wildflower8281.tumblr.com/archive.) Just know it's okay to cry and feel uncomfortable. The best thing you can do in those moments is feel your feelings, be with yourself and go shopping another day if you need to. The struggle and process is very, very real and there is no timeline.

Your True Fam. Find your friends from the convent who also have left, reconnect with girls in your class and share. There are things that only former ssvm will understand. Let’s be honest – we were in a cult together. While friends and family may listen and be empathetic, they have not actually lived the life with you. Only your former sisters have and there are things only they will understand. So, if you are itching to question or share something, and you wonder if others have also experienced this – find your girls and talk with them. Many former ssvm have shared with me that the fb group has been so helpful to reconnect with girls in their class. Also, the international FB group has also allowed girls to find friends they missioned with across the world or studied in Italy with. Re-connect and share. This is healing and often times fun! Granted some former ssvm are still die-hard fans of the order, so those people have left the group or have no intention of sharing. That’s ok. It’s their journey. The groups are here for those who want to use them.

Job/Career. I know at first it seems like you are behind or you don't have a lot of what the world sees as a ‘work experience,’ but in reality, the arduous, missionary life that we lived for those years was chock full of tons of skill-learning and adapting to different circumstances all the time. You have a zillion transferable skills!!! So, while you may not have a certain degree or career label, in most cases you can take what you've learned in the convent and make it apply to a job you are after. You have experience teaching, working with youth, cooking for large groups, event planning, musical experience, admin & organizational skills, planning trips, retreats & camps, customer service, camping skills, sports, communication, editing and blogging and in many of these cases you can also do these things in Spanish! You learn to be a jack-of-all-trades, the longer you are there, so your years there are definitely not wasted by any means. So get those negative ideas out of your head and know that you actually have a very rich, varied experience, in many cases more so than most others who may be have been in one job for the past 2-3 years or who spent those years in classrooms.

My advice would be to tailor your resumes and cover letters to the specific job you are after. This may mean making it very obvious that you spent time in the convent as a Catholic missionary. Sometimes it really helps to drop #nunlife for a specific job, and sometimes it may be wiser to just say you were a missionary. Use your judgement (new concept, I know!) It may mean making it less obvious that you spent those years in a catholic institution.

When I have applied for more secular jobs, I have listed the institute by the male branch name and just labeled it as missionary or youth minister. Learn to be savvy with the skills you list under that time as well: when I applied for the bookstore, I listed my years working with the IVE press, writing book reviews, translating and editing. I omitted that when I applied for the juice bar, and instead listed the event planning that I had experienced in. Learn to be savvy & a master of wielding words!

Take a Breather from the Church. It’s ok to take a breather from all things catholic & all things church. This of course is up to each person but if you feel the need to lay down some Catholic habits, rituals, anything we did in the convent or church life for a while, just to step back and breathe a little, know that that is totally okay! Many of us came from super catholic cultures, whether that was university or family culture and then we spent various years in an even more extreme version of orthodox, traditional catholic culture. The religious family is truly a catholic cult and lives on the extreme end of all things catholic. So, if you find yourself wanting to let go of a lot of the daily or weekly prayer habits, rituals, rules, etc., know that it's fine to do that and your spirit is probably asking for it. Living in the convent is like a sponge being totally saturated with the color blue. At first we love blue and we want to soak up all and everything of that color! But, when the novelty wears off, some of us never want to see blue again. So give yourself time to rinse off all of the blue, squeeze it out, dry off and breathe a little. You were saturated and soaked in one dense color for many years. It’s ok if you don’t want to see, think or breathe blue for awhile!

When I first came home,

I literally stopped praying the office from day one, but I continued to go to daily mass and pray the rosary, as they were at first comforting rituals for me. But little by little I began to drop even those things and found my own way of relating to God and found a lot of comfort in being in nature. I know that I am an anomaly in this, but I actually have completely left the church and christianity at this point. Not in any formal way, except that I don’t buy into it anymore and have no desire to be a part of any organized religion ever really. Nature and my body/spirit are enough for me. Most girls who leave actually remain practicing catholics, which I always find fascinating!

Bottom line, just know that if you miss mass for a months, or you stop praying the rosary, or you stop going to confession, that everything is going to be okay! Those things are all simply rituals and structures that the church has created for people to feel a part of their Institution. If you still consider yourself christian or catholic, that's fine and great, but know that you can still take a breather or a break to really examine your heart and your own spirituality, and relationship to God. It’s very much like going through a breakup. You were in a relationship for various years, one that consumed your life. It proved to be pretty toxic, so you ended it. A healthy person in this case would take space, time to heal, reset, explore life and self. Same idea, friend, same idea.

And, for the record, even though I gradually left the church and christianity, I have never once felt abandoned by ‘god’ or that my link to the Creator has ever been severed. I still consider myself a beloved daughter of the Creator, I still feel divinely linked to all of nature and very much cared for by the Universe. This also comes with developing a sense of love for self and a deep trust knowing that the universe, or God, or the Creator, will take care of you. That’s some deep inner shit that needs to be worked out in order to get there, but it’s well worth it! So, I'm here to give you permission to take a leave of absence from All Things Catholic, if your spirit is asking for it.

Dating! This definitely deserves it’s own blog post. (Disclaimer: I only have the experience of dating men, so this post is specifically regarding that. However, I know of women who have left who prefer women. I can’t speak to that process myself, but I applaud it!) Learning to mingle and get to know men is definitely a sensitive and very personal topic for each. It also depends on how much dating experience you had prior to the convent. But, if you do anything in this post, do this: Get to know yourself first before jumping into dating. For the past few years, your identity has been wrapped up in ‘sister’ and in ssvm culture. Who are you outside of that label and that name? Who are you outside of that lifestyle? If you can't confidently answer those questions, it's not really time to merge yourself with another in a romantic relationship. Do the work of finding & creating the new version of yourself out here before getting lost in someone else. (Again, applicable to all humans. Mature, healthy people do not ‘get lost’ in someone else. They have their own identities and lives, and just share life together.)

If, however, you have found yourself, love yourself and feel ready to engage with guys, then I say go for it! Mingle, have coffee, do online dating, whatever is your pace. Just be completely yourself and know your boundaries. They will be different for everyone. They do not have to be what the church says. They only have to be what your heart and your body say. It's a great realm to learn how to listen to your gut and follow your intuition.

I have learned that I really thrive in relationships and am grateful for each experience of them. They are amazing portals of self-growth and heart expansion. I would also say to keep your standards high and be very picky! You are worth a guys full attention and total respect. Anything less, drop it like it’s hot. lol.

Lastly and of extreme importance, educate yourself on STD’s and be fierce about honoring your body. It’s actually an awesome litmus test to decipher the men vs. the boys, te vas a ver.

Sharing Your Past. It’s up to you when you share your convent life with new friends. A lot of girls ask this question and my answer is really that it’s up to you. No one needs to know your past, but at the same time anyone who is a true friend will want to know and be able to hold that space for you. And, depending on how long you were in, it’s probably something you refer to often, so eventually it’s convenient if your close friends know, so you can be free to reference convent life as you need to. It’s good practice for learning to listen to your intuition – you tell people when and if it feels right for you. The further away I have gotten from my time in the convent, the earlier I’ve told people about it. But that’s just me. In the beginning, I still had in my head that it was kinda scandalous or bad, so I wouldn’t share it right away. I was a teacher for 4 years and only boss knew. (I didn’t want all the questions from other teachers and definitely not from all 300+ children!) I worked in a juice bar for 6 months and only told 1 co-worker. For me, it just depended on the level of closeness I would have with people. Here in AZ, it took me only 1 month of working at the Art Center to tell my co-workers, and only a few months to tell my yoga friends. More recently, the man I dated for a few months earlier this year knew before we even met in person! And he was utterly intrigued and fascinated by it! I have found the most people find it curious and interesting that we even entered the convent, but more than that – they find it brave and inspiring that we left. You will see! Just wait for it. Now, I’ll drop it whenever and I drop it much quicker than before. It takes time. But, definitely be discerning and be ready for the questions – or tell people that you’d rather not answer questions at this point. You make the rules now, Lady!

Books & Culture! One of the best things I can encourage you to do is get a library card and go wander your library for a few hours! Enjoy the freedom of looking and reading any books you want to and learn to do this frequently. In the convent, as you know, the books were only ever about catholic stuff. There was nothing else to read and we were not exposed to any other types of thought. Even if all you do is pick up some fiction stories or poetry or biographies of interesting people, go to your library, follow your curiosity and read a shit-ton! I still do this today and it is one of my foremost means of learning and leisure!

Secondly just go and do cultural things in your town or city! Whether that means wandering downtown, visiting cafes or museums, going to art installations or dance festivals, take in culture other than catholic culture! You have been saturated in only one culture from morning to night for the past however many years. You have lived and breathed only Kool-Aide (if I may) for all those years. There are other things to see and other ways to live, and it's fascinating to witness and learn about them.

About Them:

They won’t connect you to other former sisters. I have heard this from girls who have left who have asked about me specifically. I also have personally asked the superiors who I knew and lived with to share my information with girls who are leaving. It just doesn’t happen. One girl wrote me, “I asked Mother Mercy about you and I was brushed off.” This was just a few months ago! Mother Mercy was my provincial superior for most of my 8 years, and my direct superior for 3 when I was in Harlem. I was only ever transparent and helpful to her and the entire province. Now, they think because I wrote a letter that exposes some brokenness, that I am the Anti-Christ or something. Which to me is just awesome and hilarious. Anyway, they will not in any way share contacts of former sisters with you on your way out. You will only have their religious names, maybe their civil names if you knew them that well and you will have to navigate social media on your own to find them. Some girls don’t want to be found & that’s ok. So, if you know girls who are thinking of leaving, send them your info so they have it before they leave! Tell them about the FB group, send them my email address or name on FB. Despite my real efforts to build such a bridge – conversations & letters – the ssvm superiors will not support this in a public or private way. I’ve asked Sacred Heart in person and I’ve written to the superiors about this – why not create this bridge, share info, make the transition easier for those who leave? There is no response. So, until then: can’t stop, won’t stop. I just keep doing this work, one soul, one post at a time.

They will continue to ask for donations and financial support. The Institute has an embarrassing culture around begging and asking for donations. If you or your contacts gave donations in the past, know that the sisters will continue to reach out and ask, in some cases to the point of being really rude or insanely persistent. One former sister had to change her phone number because the sisters would not stop calling her or her family in order to obtain what used to be a regular donation to her mission. Money and gifts are a powerful energetic cord, so if you want to detach from the Institute in all ways, it is wise to cut off donations and gifts to them. They do not have a healthy culture surrounding that and, let's be honest, neither does the church at large.

Your money is better used to invest in yourself at this point - take some art classes, find a yoga studio, learn to salsa dance! You are worth that money. Later down the road, find an awesome non-profit to donate to and make sure you know how they spend your money.

They will cut you off. Again, typical cult behaviors. The Institute does not have the bandwidth to allow anyone, including former members, to be in their circles unless they continue drinking the Kool-Aid. Once you diverge from them or if you challenge the way they live, ultimately you are likely to be shunned or cut off. I would vouch to say that most former sisters who are still in good standing with the order, are also still super catholic and supporters of the institute. For the majority who have left, however, usually that's it - unless we initiate contact and try to remain engaged with any of them, there is very little initiation of engagement from their end. Even though the constitutions say that those of us who have left are ‘still family and third order members,’ the actions do not echo these words and are quite contrary. If you ask the majority of sisters in this province, you will hear similar stories. So don't really expect friendships with sister's to continue for very long. Your lives will take very different directions - your mind and life experiences will expand and grow, you will evolve into new versions of yourself as time passes. Their life is basically on repeat eternally, maybe just in different settings. Your former sister-friends will be less and less interested in your new life, and you will be bored by her life that rarely ever grows or changes.

They will make you feel guilty or crazy. This is normal & is not about you. This definitely occurs in all of the cases. It seems to be part of the cult-like behavior. They go legit mental trying to keep their members and numbers up and any departure is like a grand failure and subsequent scandal – they make you feel guilty or crazy for wanting and requesting to leave. This is why they will suggest first that you go to the monastery, or to California, or to Italy to ‘rest and recover and pray.’ If, like myself and some others, you keep this decision to yourself until very near to the end (which I highly recommend,) your superiors will think you're having some kind of breakdown or making a rash and emotional decision. In many cases, including mine, they will drag it out and also make you jump through hoops in order to get the final okay to leave and actual date when you are able to walk out. My best advice in these moments is simply to listen to that little voice inside and continue to follow her. She is your true heart and will guide you with bravery and fortitude out of that place. I remember feeling like my conversations and steps leading out of the convent were some of my bravest moments, when I really learned to use my voice and speak for myself for the first time in many, many years. It was something very foreign to me, but it also felt like I was being true to myself for the first time in a long time.

Know that you are not crazy, you are not going to lose God's favor, go to hell or anything like that. All of that is cult and brainwash talk that the church and the institute use to convince people to stay. It's emotional abuse and manipulation. It is cult work at it’s best. There are various ways to shut this down mentally, but might I suggest simply repeating, "Fuck you, I'm leaving” and continue returning to that mantra in your mind, until you actually are out the door!

Your spiritual director will never suggest actually leaving religious life. This one is so tricky! He will aid you and discuss it with you, but you have to be the initiator of that conversation. We are programmed to basically do whatever they tell us and to utterly mis-trust our own inner guidance system. They are programmed (it seems) to never suggest leaving and so sisters (like myself) can go on for various years with "miserable" being our daily set point and the SD will still not suggest leaving.

For what it's worth - I had an amazing SD! I was lucky to have him throughout my entire religious life, from start to finish (almost 8 years.) This is very rare. He knew me up and down, I was utterly transparent with him about everything. And yet, even he did not suggest that I consider leaving, ever. When I finally came to the decision, I called him and said, "Padre, I think my time here is up. I think it's time for me to go home." From there, he did help facilitate and guide me, but the initiative had to come from me. I mean, I understand this somewhat - they don't want someone who left to say "Father suggested I leave" - that also sounds like it could get someone in trouble, but hell - if we are basically following their suggestions for everything else, why is it so wrong to suggest at least considering leaving?! It's not! It should be done more often and made a more mainstream thing! Dozens of men and women leave the order every year! (More probably should!) But, just know it has to come from you.

They have programmed you. Best for Last! Woot! Just learn not to fucking listen anymore! This is one of the longest lasting effects and struggles post-convent. Their mental & emotional game is terrifyingly strong. They play hard and they play to win. You have been programmed to think, believe, speak and feel like them. Realize this and sit with it for a good long while. The more docile your temperament and the longer you were in, the more deeply that programming was laid inside of you. I was the perfect specimen, so I speak from experience.

You will hear the voices in your head saying you can't spend that money, or you shouldn’t eat that snack, or you need to ask to take a break. Learning to ignore those voices and give yourself all the permissions is one of the best tactics for overcoming a lot of the mental game. You will feel that you can't do anything during your free time without asking, you will feel you need to ask in order to make plans with new friends, in order to talk to guys, in order to purchase items or to sleep in as long as you want. You will hear those voices a lot in all aspects of your life, so prepare yourself to get really good at ignoring them! Like really fucking good.

I’ve been out for over 5 years and still ask permission for things at work. Literally this week! My supervisor knows my past and is constantly empowering me to make my own judgement calls for things that fall within my scope. I’m 36, 5 years out, done the work & this shit still haunts me sometimes.

I consciously stopped using words like providence, providential, generous, blessed, god and all the lingo years ago. I just stopped cold and never looked back. We all know if you sat down to a bunch of servidoras not in habit, you would know immediately by the way they spoke that they were ssvm. You can’t deny it. #cultlife

So, get really comfy with just giving yourself all the permissions for a good long time! Do whatever the fuck you want, whenever you want and with whomever you want! Shake it all out of your system and know that now, you are now the guiding force in your life!

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