Attune to the auspicious & golden energy of Autumn and enter the season of letting go.Ā
Holding onto old things, old ways, old feelings only keeps us in place, stagnant.
If we keep all those things & structures & loops in our lives, there is no growth or newness.
Itās like a plant that hasnāt died yet, but also is not thriving.Ā
We are afraid to let go because things are familiar or comfortable, or even sentimental. Also, our brains cringe at newness out of the gate and will demand we remain where itās comfy & known.Ā
However, if we attune to the energies of Autumn with our hearts and bodies, Nature reminds us & our Truest Selves will remember that we are Beings of Light, here to always be stepping into the Newness, here to always be growing into higher versions of ourselves, so that we can bring forth in this world what we are meant to Create, Heal, Share or Be for the highest good of the planet. When we tap into that Oneness, the fears we have seem tiny and letting go actually feels good. Like how the fall leaves are actually beautiful in their richness & hues, even though they are also a shedding of old layers.
Litany Of Letting Go
*Disclaimer - When we let go, we have Open Spaces. Open Spaces may feel extremely uncomfortable and strange because we are so conditioned to Fullness - Full lives, shelves, closets, fridges, bodies and schedules. Embrace the Open Space, though. Let them breathe. Greet the open spaces, Welcome Them. Allow In the foreign feeling of Open Spaces. When we celebrate & bless Open Spaces, when we Believe in them, they become Friends and we get to watch them usher forth Magic into our lives!
Let go of Things. Of material things that you never use, are broken or do not spark joy anymore. Clothes, decor, books, kitchen items, sentimental items. Our material possessions hold energies from past versions of ourselves, so when you let go of old possessions, you are also letting go of old energies and old versions of you. What you choose to keep should uplift and support your current Self and desired emotional set point.Ā
Let go of People & Places. Of Relationships, connections, social engagements, work places that drain you. The people we spend time with should uplift us and the energy should feel light, buzzy, joyful and mutually supportive. Say No more often to things that drain you; perform a cord cutting ritual to cut energetic ties to persons, places, situations (energies of past people and any kind of connections can stick in our auras and bodies); simply donāt engage anymore.Ā
Let go of Emotions. Of needing to be right, of long-held grudges, of the heavy, dense emotional energies stored up. By holding on & not letting go, we keep these negative cords in place as if we want them there. By releasing the need to be right, or the need to be apologized to, or the need for āthings to be made rightā by someone else, we actually free ourselves up to hold more love and higher, joyful emotions for ourselves and for those people. We open spaces in our hearts for Love and Joy and Peace to flood in again.
Let go of Old Stories. Stories of lack, of not enough, of being a victim, of not believing in yourself. Let go of stories of being the martyr, the fixer, of perfection, of people-pleasing. New paradigms of Abundance, Healing, Love, of Receiving, of Truth and of higher frequencies are whatās been online and live for awhile now, so get on board. It is the Era of Loving Ourselves first in order to be in service to Others, itās time to believe in your worth and value. Let go and step into it.Ā
Let Go of Doing. Of the rush, of the busyness, of the nonstop working. This for some may be the hardest because weāve been conditioned to feel valuable & worthy after weāve done & worked a lot. This is an old, collapsing paradigm too! We are valuable just by Being, just because we are. The turning of this season, the cooler weather, the darkness pulls us to Rest, Pause, Breathe. Let go of the addiction to doing & working. Love yourself just in your Being. Love your Heart just for Being.
When we let go, spaces open up in our lives & energetic bodies that previously held dense or lower energies. It may feel weird, or new or disorientating to let go. Embrace the new feelings. They are only temporary. Feel into the open spaces, breathe into them, become friendly with them. Believe in them. Dance and cry and create in them. Allow yourself to feel Newness, to Feel the Open Spaces. Then, just when youāre not looking, the Universe will usher in happy surprises, joyful experiences and swirling upgraded energies for you! This is not woo, this is how Energy works.Ā
If you read this and are wondering how to let go of certain things in your life, just message me! I love sharing about this stuff and each person and what they need to release is unique. Usually, however, if you give yourself time, your body time to feel into this question - you will be led to the answer yourself! This is a part of the medicine - realizing we already have everything we need within us. #lightinside
The moment of receiving gifts is such an interesting chance to observe humanity!
How do you receive gifts?! What are your feelings around receiving gifts from people?
Do you love it or avoid & dread it? Do you burst with gratitude or is that moment maybe extremely uncomfortable or awkward for you? Or are you somewhere in between, depending on the person, the occasion, the gift?
The way we receive gifts reflects so much about us!
The way we receive gifts manifests:
Our beliefs around worthiness and our comfortability in knowing we deserve good things
How we have cultivated our energy of gratitude & receiving in general
Our comfort with expressing emotions
Our ability to receive in other realms of our life, namely receiving pleasure, love, opportunities, wealth and all manner of amazing gifts from the Universe.
In many cases our familial or cultural upbringing regarding gift-giving and how to receive gifts, the meaning of gift-giving, etc.
Following the Thread of Receivership to your Core Beliefs
So much of the energy around an awkward receiving revolves around the person feeling uncomfortable because there is a deeply seated belief that they are not worthy of gifts of love, time, service, goodness.
Also, most likely, they had no model of gracious receiving/worthiness in their lives to watch.
On the outside, it may just always feel uncomfortable & awkward, but if we focus and follow that thread, it will lead to some answers that can be unraveled, loosened up and opened to make the moment of receiving actually a moment of great joy and ease!
Whenever I have encountered a person in my life who receives gifts/compliments/love very uncomfortably, I have realized that it is very linked to their understanding of Love and Self-Worth. Like intimately tied to it.Ā
Their stories & beliefs regarding self-worth is unique to each of them. The Medicine & Magic is in following the thread to the origin and then being brave enough to unravel it, let it go and claim a new story, create a new story around their worthinessā¦.Ā
The stories of worthiness and love may come from what parents have said or modeled, they may just come from our society that values hard work and does not value play & rest, thereby making being the receiver the more uncomfortable position for many, assented to unconsciously.Ā How many of us have bought into the cultural story that in order to rest/play/receive, we must work hard first?! We must do/prove/produce before being worthy of the gifts of play/rest/leisure/luxury/love. So many of us think that is just āhow it is,ā but itās actually just a cultural story that we can choose to buy into or not.Ā
What following the thread ofĀ Receivership does for us is land us to our core beliefs about our worthiness, about what we believe to be true about simply our existence. Not our work, not our looks, not what we have done with our livesā¦.About simply US BEING HERE.
Do you believe that you are worthy of love and gifts just because You Are?Ā
Because You Are You? Because You Are Here?
Can you just relax and receive goodness, compliments, love from others and simply say Thank you?
If not, follow that thread, My Friend!
Why not? What makes it uncomfortable? Keep following that thread and you will arrive right to the heart of it - which is You and Your Core Beliefs about Yourself.
Why People Donāt Go There
People donāt go there because it means they canāt blame anyone else anymore.
Many people just avoid exploring this thread because addressing the awkward uncomfortable-ness means going to the core of who they are, what they believe about who they are and, wait for it,
Taking Responsibility for their beliefs about their worthiness, meaning itās not anyone elseās fault anymore. But rather we take responsibility for how we feel at any moment, for what we believe about ourselves and for what we feel and believe even about past events in our lives. Things we may have formerly said, This happened To Me, are upleveled into This happened AND this is how Iām choosing to view it and feel about it!
People donāt go here because it means they can no longer blame someone else, or Life, or God, for how they feel and what they believe about their value & the identity they have formed around old stories...Ā
It means facing the Truth that we have assented to stories and meanings that are not true and were of low vibrational energy for years. It means releasing the attachment we have to our identities around these low vibe stories, which for many can feel extremely uncomfortable.Ā
We get comfy and cozy with the energies that we vibe each day, even if they are low. We create identities around our unworthiness, our anxiety, our inability to be competent or lovable or free. Insert preferred adjective. Whatever the story - if itās been playing for decades, it will feel comfortable and familiar to us. Itās easy for our brains to loop it and itās the frequency our bodies have become accustomed to.
Stepping out of that energy and opening into something new feels scary.
Note that this is just the brain wanting you to stay where itās familiar and easy.Ā
In order to expose ourselves to greater Joy, Happiness and Freedom, we need to step into those places and unravel, and then recalibrate newness.
Ooops. Welcome to the Inner Journey. Where Light is Shed on the Darkness. And re-scripting our stories means unraveling everything weāve formerly accepted to be true.
For those who prefer to stay where itās familiar, they will remain in the awkwardness of their energy and the Universe will not deliver more glorious and wonderful gifts because She sees that they do not know how to receive well, and are not in a stance of open receivership. She sees that they are uncomfortable receiving and also are not cultivating the energy of gratitude for all things, always.Ā For these people, receiving gifts, pleasure, compliments, opportunities will be sparse, uncomfortable and always have a weird tinge of lack & not-worthy surrounding them.Ā
The Truth is that Just By Being You, You Are Worthy of All Goodness & Beauty The Universe Has to Offer. When we step into this Truth and Radiate it, the Universe Loves showering us with gifts in all realms of our lives!Ā
The Universe Treats Us How We Treat Ourselves!
The Art of Receiving Graciously
Many of us probably learned gift-receiving behaviors through our family and cultural experiences growing up: holidays and birthday parties mostly. So, depending on the energy of our families, we learned any number of ways/behaviors around receiving gifts.
My immediate family was always very expressive, gracious & affectionate, and so I learned to be happy, grateful, to hug and express joy at receiving gifts most of the time. Iām sure there were times as a kid when I may have stated, āThis isnāt what I wantedā or āI already have thisā but overall, receiving was an exciting time, buzzing with joy and anticipation.Ā
Later in life, in the convent actually, I learned a further lesson about receiving. It seems as we mature into adulthood, it becomes harder for us to receive help, favors, gifts of time or service, etc. We get a little proud or independent or just begin to filter our emotions more, due to societal mores. When I was in the convent, we learned a wonderful concept regarding how to receive: Receiving a gift is an act of charity (love.)
Instead of pulling away, becoming stoic or refusing a gift/compliment/favor/service, we were taught that receiving that small act of love from someone else in a stance of graciousness is actually a gift back to the Giver, in the moment. It is actually an act of Love to receive graciously.
Think of Jesus (or any high vibrational human you prefer honestly.)
Firstly, he was always in a stance of receivership, always welcoming, always open and grateful - to others, to children, to life. Arms Open, Welcoming All Gifts into His Field.Ā
Stance of Receivership!
Secondly,Ā how would he receive gifts, any gifts? To him, it wouldnāt really matter what the gift was (time, service, words, food, art, a purchase) but rather he would focus his gratitude on the Giver and on the thoughtfulness, the time, the energy that person spent in preparing, seeking and sharing this gift.Ā
Think of the āsinful womanā who used her own tears, her precious oils and her own hair to wash his feet. Unlike most people, he received her in tender gratitude and noted to everyone at the table the time, energy and precious resources she utilized in carrying out this gift and act of service. Jesus would receive all things with grace and love, in the moment returning the love back to the Giver. A Full Circle. Love & Gratitude. Welcoming & Thanking.
This understanding helped me to become an even better Receiver, because I learned that it wasnāt about the gift or about me, but more about the Giver & more about Energy. The art of receiving graciously is in itself a Gift in return.
That to receive graciously is to drop the resistance we might feel towardsĀ
if we are worthy and
whether or not we actually want the gift,Ā Ā
and it simply opens channels of love energy between Receiver & Giver, where Abundance and Joy dwell always.
Stance of Receivership Always
Once we open and cultivate this stance of receivership, this openness to gifts, knowing we are worthy and living in gratitude, the Universe quite obviously opens the floodgates and pours forth blessings and gifts, so get ready!
(*A Note on Service/Generosity - This post is focused on Receiving, but it goes without saying that this goes hand-in-hand with the Energy of Generosity/Service. I think the majority of us are more comfortable with serving/giving/working/offering value than we are comfortable receiving it, so Iām not focusing on generosity/service/giving here. But they are like yin and yang. We cannot be in a Stance of Receivership only, obviously as that is selfish and the Universe feels that. There is an energetic chasm between Selfishness and Generous Receivership. The energy is vastly different. To be in a true Stance of Receivership implies Gratitude and the intention to use the gifts to further extend the high vibrational frequencies of love, joy, gratitude by continuing the giving/service/gifting outwards.Receiving graciously implies you are open to allow the Flow of Abundance through you and back into the Universe.)
The more I have consciously fostered this Energy of Receivership & Gratitude, the more abundance, work & travel opportunities, beautiful spaces, plentiful chunks of leisure time, amazing foods & drinks and fun experiences have been ushered my way.Ā
It means being open to not only material gifts like on holidays, but also receiving new opportunities for wealth, for travel or amazing experiences. It means being open to new levels of pleasure & sensations in our bodies, with ourselves and with Lovers. It means being open to new insights in our hearts and minds, tapping into truths and dimensions of ourselves where the world opens up and further shows us Her Beauty, Her Wildness, Her Magic! There are Infinite Means of Abundance that the Universe can usher into our experience, if we simply believe we are worthy of them all!
Remember, the Universe treats us how we treat ourselves.Ā
Know you are worthy, lovable and deserve all good things just by being You.Ā
Make this your Belief System and watch the Gifts of all kinds start rolling in!Ā
There is Medicine and Magic in this Weaving of Words.Ā
There are Codes for Light and Newness. They Live and Breathe.
They danced these lines and the spaces in between.Ā
Allow the space. Let them land in their own time.
Thank you for being here. You are meant to be here.Ā
They wish to dance with You.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I used to shut out fear, push it away, resist any fearful thoughts or feelings.Inevitably, it would overcome me and I became consumed in worry and desperation. Body, Mind and Spirit would shrink, paralyzed in fear.Ā And worse, then I would be fearful of attracting more fear because I was now resonating fear. It was a spiral that would loop through my being each time.Ā And it took days and weeks until it would pass through my systems.
However, I realized that in the Resist, I increased the energy.Ā
In the force, I kept the presence alive.Ā
In the struggle to fight it, it magnified.Ā
Because what we give our energy & attention to thrives and grows.
Resisting it, suppressing it, ignoring it or, not giving her a seat at the table
Was actually holding Her in my life and giving the power over to let Her run wildā¦.
That in itself helped to dissipate much of her frenzy.Ā Dropping the resistance, not engaging in the struggle. She relaxed, knowing she has a voice and a place here.
This initial move was mostly mental & emotional. I continued inward...To the bodily level of fear.Ā How She affects my cells, my nervous system.Ā
This video and blog are my Ode to Movement, an Exhale of Gratitude and Joy for all it has been in my life.
I share things in my blog and videos that have helped me to feel good, expand myself or grow in a positive way. Movement has thankfully been a companion of mine since childhood (Thanks, Mom & Dad) and how I engage with it has evolved with me. I share about it here because I desire that everyone feels amazing and knows that they have access to these tools (movement & breath) at any time, no matter age, experience or body type/shape. And for those who already move regularly, I invite you into a new way of engaging with movement & your body.Ā
This is not about yoga, or āworking outā...this is a more present, accessible and connected way to involve Movement into our lives.
I am here to share that even if you are ānot somebody who works outāĀ
Or
āhas never exercised in my lifeāĀ
or says that āexercise is hard, itās not for meā -Ā
Your Body will feel Happier, More Amazing if you choose to move it consciously on a regular basis. And this Movement has infinite options and forms, so no one is left out!
Additionally, if you are in the fitness & exercise scene already and have your routines down, then I propose here some thoughts to widen your horizons, deepen your awareness and harness that power you already know you have into something even beyond the physical realm!
If you ever feel stuck, bleh, lost, uninspired, sad - I will bet money that 90% of the time, if you add some movement into your situation on a regular basis, you will shake out those feelings and truly feel higher vibe and happier. Like, I will put my legit cash on that bet and will win 9x out of 10.
But it takes a conscious & continualĀ choice to create that new high vibe habit, until it settles into your brain and life as simply being a part of you are.
āMovementā is amazingly modifiable and does not fit into a box or a label. I am not here to make everyone into someone who āexercisesā or āworks out.ā That is far from my intention.
My intention is that we all have means of raising our vibration, or in other words, feeling awesome, feeling amazing, at our fingertips. Feeling amazing does not have to come from outside of us! One of the ways we can simply do this is by consciously choosing a form (or forms) of movement we enjoy on a regular basis.
Examples:
If all you do is breath in, raise your arms up, breath out and move your hands back down. You will feel better than if you did not do that.Ā
If all you can muster is a 5 minute walk, you will feel better having taken the walk than if you had not.Ā
Actually, if all you do is consciously breathe deeply into your belly for a few minutes, paying attention to the movement of your body as you breathe, breathing fully into your belly and exhaling fully - you will feel amazing and want to try it again!
Injured? Bad back? Stiff joints? Thatās ok! Iāve had my fair share of pulled muscles, sprains, aches & pains. Due to my love of movement, I have found creative ways to still move other parts or adjust. There is always a modified version of many things and, again, if nothing else, belly breathe!
Movement is an Automatic Feel Good in so many ways & is very accessible because it is so diverse and can be as simple as breathing.Ā
If you move enough to get your heart rate up, to get your blood pumping, sweating even a bit - your body will even create endorphins to increase the feeling of amazingness. Because your body is happy to be working and moving the energy around!
Feng Shui for Your Body! Just like other spaces - your house, your office, your room - your body can house stagnant energy. And just like it feels fabulous to spring clean, get rid of junk, dust, switch things around, open the windows and let in fresh air - so does it feel fabulous to swirl around the energy inside your body via all and any kinds of movement, and inhale deeply to welcome in new energy!
You can feel the freshness even just by taking one long slow inhale and exhale. In just that, you can feel the movement and freshness in your body.Ā
Movement vs. Exercise
I deliberately say āMovementā as opposed to āexerciseā or āworking outā because for me, incorporating movement into each day is a creative engagement with my body, mind and spirit. Itās never just - āI need to get my workout inā - although it has been in the past.Ā
These days, I have a continual conversation going on with my body, always tuning in and listening to what we are feeling, what we need and where we would like to arrive to. As a woman, this often coincides with my cycle and depending on the day or week, I may feel bunches of energy or desire just very gentle movement.Ā
Each day looks different. Some days itās yoga, other days itās a walk, other days itās a leg day with dumbells and jump squats until I am out of breath and wringing wet. Some days, itās just stretching and breathing. Many days, itās dancing to songs that make me happy. But truly, there is no recipe I follow, except listening, breathing and moving the energy in my body around and through. To me, that makes it a fun thing each day - celebratory, ever-new, ever-present. Because our bodies are ever new and ever present!
The Hum of Life
We are all energy. Itās science. The energy in our bodies can get stagnant. We breathe very shallow during most of the day, not even inhaling deeply, fullyā¦
Take a truly full inhale right now, through your nose. Deep down into your belly, fill up your chest. Pause and feel the buzz.Ā
Exhale it all fully, calmly, through your mouth, until your belly button is pressed into your abdomen.
That is moving your Energy!
Energy. Chi. Prana. Breath. Spirit.Ā
Itās all the same to me. Itās that Aliveness inside of us, the buzz, the hum of Life that flows through our blood, pumps our heart, opens our lungs, sings into our voice and feels through our skin.Ā
When we do not move it, it gets stagnant and we feel stagnant or blah, or yuck.Ā
Heavy, sticky, uninspired.Ā
Sad, bored, anxious.
To consciously choose to move our energy each day is to consciously choose to feel good & assent that feeling good is within the power of each of us.
Movement is here for us.Ā
Movement heals us.Ā
Movement raises us.Ā
Movement is ever-present to us, always there, anytime we wish to step into that space & listen.Ā
There are many tools that help us to feel good in an organic, healthy way and
Movement is one of the simplest forms,Ā
one that is vastly accessibleĀ
and also entertainingly diverse!
Alive, Awesome & Happy Dwell Within Us
Society & the stories out there like to make us think that everything needed to make us feel Alive, Awesome, Sexy, Happy is outside of us. Itās in the thing, the job, the medicine, the clothes.Ā
When actually, itās within us all along.Ā
In the easy inhale.Ā
In the relaxing exhale.Ā
In the happy cells humming along through your body.Ā
What we do with that energy is within our power and we can do it every day and discover that being happy, feeling amazing is right here all along.
Happy Moving & Happy Day to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our Brains Find Evidence for That Which We Believe to be True
Your brain is so savvy that it will seek & find evidence in your reality for whatever you believe to be true. Whatever you truly - subconsciously, deeply - believe to be true! This is literally how āour thoughts create our realityā happens. Itās not woo or new age, itās actually brain science. Read, research, itās legit!
Our subconscious mind LOVES what it already knows, what it has already experienced and especially what itās really familiar with. Just like us! It gets itās programs down pat and is super efficient at the words, ideas and concepts we buy into. During our days moving through the world, it scans the 4 billion bits of input coming at us. It only has the capacity to process a small fraction of that and so it intakes the 2 million bits that are what itās familiar with, namely the stories, beliefs and programs it runs in your brain each day! Itās like a child whoās been studying and then runs through the world like, āHey! Hereās that word Iāve learned! Look! Thereās that story I memorized!āĀ
This is why in order to live fully alive & awake, it is vital to begin paying attention to the stories, programs and beliefs that are on rerun in our brains. Most especially ones that cause us to feel down, low vibrational emotions, fearful, etc. If those stories remain in your brain, your brain will continue to seek & find evidence for them, quite literally re-looping you through similar experiences.Ā
Stories or beliefs might be: Iām not worth that much, My family always leaves me out, No one would ever want to date me, Finding a better job is a long, arduous, scary process, etc.Ā
The power to change those stories lies within each of us and itās just a matter of paying attention, and putting attention; creating new beliefs and setting new programs in our brains, for which it will then find new evidence for.Ā
Once we learn how the subconscious mind works, we have the power to adjust itās programs if we want to & take our Creative Energy into our own hands, consciously!Ā
Change Your Stories and Change Your Reality
When I left my most recent job, I made it a point to truly, deeply believe that leaving a job, stepping into the Unknown and opening up to the Universe was an exciting, expansive and peaceful move. I made a conscious decision to believe this and to disregard what society usually tells us about making such a move.Ā
And my experience since that move has been just that & more than I could imagine!Ā
Expansive, Happy, Enlightening, Exciting and Fun!Ā
Sure, there have been a few moments of fear, sadness, disappointment, but they took up about 15% of my time and have taught me enlightening lessons. So, they also are expansive in their own way & Iām honing my skill of taking things as they come and trusting that everything is working out best case scenario (@activationvibration), always.
My brain became familiar with the program of: This is fun, exciting, there are always New Opportunities each day, doing new things is an adventure, I am a magnet for prosperous opportunities, Abundance is all around me.Ā
Thus, my daily experience of life a reflection of this program that I consciously created.Ā
All Magic & Miracles Await You in the Unknown
Our brains love, love to shift things into Autopilot (or into a subconscious habit) because it is so energy efficient. Some of these things make sense (like brushing your teeth) but our whole life should not be on autopilot. We - our identities, our daily lives, our perceptions - are meant to be new, to expand, to grow during our lifetime on this planet!Ā
However, the subconscious mind does literally everything it can to keep us - all parts of our lives - on autopilot because āThe Unknown is scary and dangerous!ā It will toss up all kinds of excuses for why we shouldnāt change, should stay in our job, shouldnāt begin cooking real food, shouldnāt be open to new opportunities, shouldnāt add that to my website or resume, etc.
Itās kind of small minded in the sense that it plays small and scared! It also prefers to stick with the past & what it has already mastered and already knows. How boring, right?
In actuality, all Miracles, Newness and Amazing Opportunities exist in The Magical Unknown.Ā
Itās just about changing our stories, changing what we believe about The Unknown.Ā
I believe that Miracles and Happy Surprises exist in The Unknown and that itās always a beautiful adventure to step into it.Ā
And this is how my life plays out.
This is a belief I put there and now I experience.
We are all Beings of Light.Ā
Our bodies and identities here on Earth are actually just temporary vessels that house us in our higher form, our Higher Selves...Ā
That part of us that trusts in the Good, the True and the Beautiful.
That whisper in us that knows there is more to life than I know yet...
So, change your stories about things, examine your beliefs, and watch your life upgrade in miracles!
All of this came out of me in one sitting. It feels like I can finally put into words in some kind of order, what Iāve been integrating into my own life, heart & mind the past few months. Iām sharing because I always share information that has helped brighten my existence, because maybe it will also illuminate others. My main point is: All the happiness, freedom & love that we seek or hope for is within us. We do not need to wait for something from the outside to happen before we live in those states of being. We are all Sparks of the Eternal Light. We are made to feel peaceful, happy and free as our natural set points. In this blog, I explain how all this works and what we get caught up in that keeps us from living in higher vibrational states.
A quick outline, in case you prefer to read in sections or to just prep your mind:
Identity - Who are we beyond the labels & titles? Our identities can and should be fluid, flexible and ever expanding because at our core, we are all Sparks of the Eternal Light & not confined to one way of being.
The Autopilot Mind & Where It Keeps Us
Scale of Emotional Vibration - Where Do You Land?
Our Natural State of Being & the fallacy of āPeak Emotionsā
Everything We Seek is Within Us
Identity
As humans in this society, there is a lot of importance around creating and maintaining an identity in life. Identity includes a lot of facets: career, hobbies, relationships, personality traits, likes & dislikes, behaviors, etc. When it all boils down however, the identity that you have created and maintain can be scaled back to your beliefs & thoughts. Our beliefs create our thoughts, which in turn move us to act in certain ways in this world, thus concretizing this identity we believe in.
How do you identify yourself? Name some qualifying characteristics of your identity here on Planet Earth.Ā
Some answers may be: teacher, artist, mom, introvert, traveler, yogi, Buddhist, Jewish, Libra, executive director,Ā married, single, healthy, sick, vegetarian, etc, etc. There are all kinds of ways we identify & many diverse facets of our identities, so many in fact that they probably cannot be contained in a list!
What if we took away these labels, titles, qualifying characteristics for a moment? What if you lost your job, you broke your arm, you broke up, left your church, started eating meat? What if all the ways you usually identified yourself were no longer true?
Are you still there?
How do you know?
What remains?
The answer is YES, of COURSE you are still here! What remains is your Spirit/Soul/Higher Self, however you wish to define it! This is the intangible part of you that transcends all the labels, titles, qualfiers that we attach ourselves to here in this lifetime. It is the part of you that vibrates higher, that observes, that is aware, that transcends your body and this physical world and that is directly connected to the Divine/Source/Pure Consciousness (however you define the Infinite Goodness.)
Our identities that we form are also what psychology calls our Ego. Itās the facade that we have created, maintain and usually get quite attached to here in this lifetime on this planet. Itās the way we groom our bodies, the ways we speak, the life we lead, the people we hang out with. For many, many people it is the work they do, their careers. Our Ego = Our Identity.Ā
Whatās important here is to recognize that our Ego is not fully who we are at our Core and to not be so attached to it. Whatās important is to allow our identity to be a bit more fluid, to allow some space for it to grow and change. By remaining attached to our identities, we limit our capacity for growth and expansion. By allowing our identities to be more fluid, to be open to new ways, new opportunities, to the (*gasp*) Unknown even we give our Higher Selves more to work with, opening more channels for us to be FULLY who we are and experience FULLY all the beauty and goodness we are meant to during this lifetime.Ā
Let yourself Be Someone New.Ā
Let yourself Be Someone Different.Ā
Uplevel into the next version of yourself.Ā
Consciously.Ā
Consciously let go of old habits, stale routines and blah emotional states.Ā
Step into a new version of yourself and know that itās ok and more than ok, it can actually be very fun, liberating and expansive.Ā
The challenge to this is:
Ā The Autopilot Mind
When we learn to drive a car, it takes a good amount of mental energy to practice, pay attention to all the signals, to what our hands & feet are doing, to the cars and people around us, etc. It takes a good few weeks of learning and our brains feel that! As we learn new actions, new responses, new habits our brains are creating new connections, new neural pathways and this takes energy and we feel it! Have you ever been mentally exhausted after a Spanish class or learning a new skill? This is your brain at work, literally paving new pathways!
But, eventually the brain wears in those new pathways nicely, with enough practice (of driving, learning spanish, playing the guitar, etc) that it can shift those activities into autopilot. The brain is always seeking to be energy efficient, thus whatever activities it can shift over into autopilot, it will! In many cases like driving and brushing your teeth, that is a wise move.Ā
However, in other cases, like how you interact with your coworkers, how you move through your day, & most importantly, Ā the emotional states you normally reside in - this isnāt the best gear to stay in. Well, at least not if you want to live a fully engaged, exciting, expansive life here on earth.
Do Something New!
This is why itās so important to do something new, to be something new - itās like a hack for the autopilot mind. It wakes it up, shakes it up and makes it pay attention and become aware of what is going on in the present moment.Ā
The tricky thing with the autopilot mind is that it will do all it can to remain in itās familiar pathways.Ā
They are easy to traverse, comfortable, safe and energy efficient....
This is why starting any new habit is āhardā in a sense, or you āfeelā it - because you are taking control of that autopilot and telling it, āNot today, Satan!ā and choosing with your conscious mind to act differently than before, even if it means creating new pathways, expending more energy and feeling uncomfortable.Ā
Think: working out, learning a new language, driving home via a different route, even brushing your teeth with your opposite hand. You know what those things feel like at first - clumsy, challenging, uncomfortable.Ā
But Iām not speaking about hobbies and driving routes here. What I want to draw attention to is that if we are not careful, our entire life - how we move through our waking hours - can easily be shifted into autopilot, including our Emotional Set point.Ā
On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being utterly depressed & fearful and 10 being amazingly excited and gratefulā¦..Where does your Daily Emotional Set Point fall??Ā
How do you FEEL each day as you move through it?
I would say I usually feel about an 8 these days.Ā
Most days I feel vibrant, beautiful, radiant, happy and grateful!
About a year ago, it was more like a 4-5. I was not in a great place & was struggling to get out.
I have made some real changes in how I live, think, what I believe and choose.
Emotional Vibration - Scale of Emotions
Did you know that emotions actually can be measured in frequencies? Like how we feel vibrates on a scale at a certain level.
EVERYTHING VIBRATES.Ā
This is not hokey, hippie stuff. Itās legit science & thatās why everyone is talking about āraise your vibrationā and āvibrate higherā and āfrequency.ā Because many of us are waking up right now and realizing that this is not only how the Universe works, but it is how we work and we can use this knowledge to feel happy and free most of the time.
Read up on it.Ā
The Universe is all Energy and every single thing vibrates, including us.
And, depending on how we are feeling, we can vibrate at different frequencies. This is why we āvibe withā certain people or do not - either we vibrate in harmony with their frequencies or we do not. Even foods and drinks vibrate at certain levels. Alcohol vibrates very low. Cannabis vibrates around the 250 level. Organic fruits & veggies vibrate higher. (Hence why food choices play a large role in how we feel, in our overall vibration.)
Get it?!
So, take in these charts here for a few moments:
(Reference: Power vs. Force by Dr. David Hawkins)
Where does your Emotional Set Point land?
Most of society who are on autopilot probably walk around in the 150-200s, maybe, lingering around fear & anxiety. Whereas optimism and hopefulness are up near the 300s.Ā
If you have become aware of your Ego & that you have a Higher Self, if you are aware that you are not your thoughts, if you are aware that you can change your beliefs/thoughts/stories/reality - then, youāre probably walking around in the 300s too. Willingness/Neutrality. In other words, open to the unknown, open to change, open to expansion. Aware that you have a Higher Self who observes and can choose to vibrate higher.
People like Mother Teresa, Jesus, Buddha were probably hitting up in the 500-600s daily.Ā
They just lived Love and spoke Light.Ā
Walking Sparks of the Eternal.
Our Natural State of Being & Peak Emotions
Our Higher Selves are made to be & feel Love, Bliss, Ecstasy, Peace & Joy all the time. We are created from the Eternal Light and each hold this light & goodness within us.Ā
What we have experienced in our lives as āpeak emotionsā are actually our natural state of being! They should be our natural set point.
Happiness, freedom, love, peace.Ā
They are not supposed to be āpeakā - itās our societal/religious/cultural paradigms that keep us in the lower vibrational states, so that we only feel the peaks when we break out of the autopilot life, like holidays, falling in love, traveling, etc.Ā
The truth is that we are meant to live in those states of being all the time! And we have the capacity to do that within us.
A state of being where we have a knowing that we are Loved and that we are Bright and Eternal Beings, who are meant to love and be loved during this lifetime, who are meant to create & experience beautiful things and who are meant to be at Peace with all other beings here on Earth.Ā
That is your natural set point.Ā
You may not resonate with that or believe it due to your current belief systems, what paradigms youāve bought into and the stories about yourself, your life and your identity.Ā
But the Truth is what I just told you.Ā
Things have diverged from this Truth because we are born into a world with structures, stories and paradigms in place - cultural, familial, societal, spiritual - that teach us otherwise most of the time and thus the pathways of our beliefs about ourselves that form from when we are little are often rather untrue & quite the opposite from our natural state of being, of love and light.
Most of humanity might have grown up believing they are not enough, less than, donāt deserve happiness, freedom, joy, that they need outside approval of their looks, their talents, grades or their work to be āworthyā of feeling good or being happy. Do the work, get the grade, make the buck, get the likes, grind, hustle, etc etc - THEN you can feel happy, sexy, peaceful, then you can have fun and be free.Ā
Well, Iām here to tell you that:
Itās only true if you believe it to be true.Ā
Itās only that way if you buy into that paradigm.Ā
You can feel happy, sexy, peaceful, fun and free at any point, whenever you want to.Ā
You just have to give yourself the permission.Ā
The work, the grades, the likes, the raise, the praise are all just Permission Slips for us to shift back into what is actually our natural set point - Feeling Happy and Free.Ā
You donāt have to work 80 hours to feel happy and free.Ā
You donāt have to make 6 figures to feel happy and free.Ā
You donāt have to get likes to feel happy and free.Ā
You donāt have to lose 10 pounds to feel happy and free.
You can feel happy & free right now.Ā
The power to shift into a higher vibrational state lies within you, and does not come from outside.
The question is: Will you allow yourself?
If not, what is standing in the way?
What story?Ā
What belief?
When you can answer that question, that is when & where you will begin to hack your autopilot mind.Ā
You can start there.Ā
Chances are that story or belief has become an ingrained part of your Identity - to #circleback to my theme of origin here - there is a belief you have there that you live out everyday and it keeps you in a lower emotional state.Ā
One quick example from my experience would be the belief in #hustle. Itās a belief our culture puts out and buys into. It probably stems from our puritan and protestant roots in this country - do the hard work, then get the reward. The more you hustle, the better you are, the more worthy you are of reward, of freedom, of happiness. If you donāt work hard, you donāt get the rest, the relaxation, the play, the fun.
Well, after 8 years of hustling in the convent (as strange as that may sound, the #ssvm actually work nonstop and the more you do, the more generous with God you are, so everyone is always hustling!)Ā
I stopped buying into it and chose to believe something different.Ā
Hustling just didnāt feel true to me.Ā
It didnāt resonate. I didnāt buy into it. I felt discord between my energy & the energy of that paradigm.
I knew I didnāt have to hustle to be happy, free or worthy of good things in life.
I started to believe in Being & Flow instead.Ā
I chose to believe that if I just focused on my BEING, my vibration, on making sure that I was hitting a high vibe set point each morning and living from that place, allowing the Flow to move me - that opportunities and abundance would flow into my life.Ā
I chose to believe that Trusting in the Universe would always, always land me Amazing things and always, always usher Abundance into my life.Ā
And. So. It. Is.
What I chose to believe is now how I live, and is now the reality that I exist in.Ā
(Sunset from my back yard)
I donāt hustle for a damn thing (except to sweat my ass off because I love it!) and yet, all of my needs & moreso are taken care of.Ā
And opportunities are continuously flowing into my life. And I remain open to all of them!
It takes actually a lot of trust in the Universe and less grips on the controls.Ā
It takes a lot of letting go.Ā
It takes living as my Inner Child most of the time.Ā
Dancing, Floating, Playing through Life.Ā
The Universe likes that and She plays back.Ā
Pools, Bike Rides, Dogs, Fruit, Sunsets, Cuddles, Roadtrips!
We experience what we Believe to be True - about Life, about how the Universe works, about ourselves.
Be Something New.Ā
Everything We Seek is Inside of Us.
So, do something new today.Ā
Be not your ego. Be not your usual self.
The original intention of this post was really to encourage you to be open to becoming a New Version of Yourself. To break out of the autopilot ways of being.
To show how our identities are simply our egos, a shell, a facade of our Higher Selves and that we can change who we are in this world. And that it is actually expansive and very amazing to do so!
We can firstly become aware of what is on autopilot.Ā
Then we can choose to make changes, we can choose to do something new, to be something new. To hack the system.
This can be a small change or a large change.Ā
Change a thought. Or quit a job.
You donāt have to be in your career anymore if you donāt want to.Ā
You donāt have to be a dancer anymore if it no longer brings you joy.Ā
You donāt have to be a nun or a priest anymore if you are lost or sad.Ā
You donāt have to believe what your teacher, old boss, parents, or grumpy neighbor once told you about yourself!
You donāt have to live in your state anymore, even if youāve lived there your entire life thus far!
You donāt have to go it alone anymore, you can accept help from others!
You can give yourself Permission to simply be Happy & Free in whatever version of Yourself you want. Right now. Everything we seek is inside of us.Ā
Change what you think about yourself, what you believe about yourself.Ā
Shed all the labels, the titles, the qualifiers and feel into your Higher Self.Ā
Your Spirit.Ā
That which is far brighter and extends much further than your current identity.
That Spark of Eternal Light that dwells within you.Ā
That is who you Really Are.Ā
And from that place, you can step into the next version of yourself.Ā
And know that you can BE anything you want to be here during this lifetime.Ā
It just takes opening to the unknown for a time.Ā
It takes being aware of our beliefs & thoughts.
It takes reframing our stories (ex: hustle ā being)
It takes letting go of the controls.Ā
It takes being unsatisfied with your daily emotional set point and wanting to vibe higher.Ā
It takes doing new things: meditating, paying attention, changing thought patterns, moving your body, finding your ingrained & untrue paradigms and stories. It takes realizing that the life you experience is the life you believe in.Ā
If, my friend, you have read this far. Then, most definitely the Universe is inviting you to Vibe Higher.Ā
Thank you for Being Here With Me. Thank you for your Light.Ā Ā .
(All photos that are not me or labeled as mine are from Unsplash)
Hi my name is Anna and I have a friend who is a SSVM. I once asked her about the founder through another friend and she rolled her eyes and said the Vatican is persecuting the order because they are orthodox and the person who brought the charges lied. When you were a sister what did they tell you about the founder? Also I have another friend who is entering and I don't know what to say to her. What advice or warning would you give to a young woman dead set on entering SSVM.
Hi there - I apologize. I did not get any notification about your notes here. Iām headed out to work but will reply soon! Thanks for reaching out! If you wish to email me directly or FB me: [email protected] and Iām on FB under my name. I donāt come on TUmblr too often, but I will reply to you soon!Ā :)
8/5/19 Hi Anna - thanks for reaching out. Iām back - Tumblr is kinda weird with these messages. Anyway, the stuff about Buela & his scandals are true. You can read that in the news. He was found guilty of adult sexual scandal. Heās been in monastic exile for quite some time now. TheĀ āpersecution responseā is taught to all members and itās their answer for all that stuff always. I used to say it myself with everything. They did teach us about the early days & theĀ āpersecution of the order in Mendozaā and such. If you read up on the order, you will find more info. I left just as the Buela stuff was beginning, so I knew very little and then I left in 2011.Ā
The sisters are not given access to the news or other articles. They only know what they are told and whatās the IVE/SSVM literature.Ā
If you know someone who is entering, just share with her whatever you have found about the order that is concerning to you. Show her the stuff on Buela, or any of my blog posts here. I also have a Youtube channel (under my full name) with some videos. There is also an entire website calledĀ āConcerns about the Institute of the Incarnate Wordā where you can read more. I would just say that itās ok if she enters, as long as she enters with full knowledge of the Religious Order. She is a free person, but she should be fully informed as well. Most of us were not.Ā
Again, feel free to reach out via email or other easier ways to communicate if you wish! Iām always happy to chat & am often in contact with friends or family of current sisters.Ā
The more you trust the Water, the more easily She carries You.
It is truly a miracle what new experiences can do for your soul especially when you least expect it. I took on a house/pet sitting gig for most of June mainly because it sounded fun - a dog and a pool for 3 weeks?! Why not?! The family are friends of ours - a former Pastor and Counselor (kinda soul kindred right there) and had been invited on a short-notice trip to Europe (donāt you hate when that happens?!) They knew I was seeking new opportunities and invited me to take care of their home and their beloved dog, Murray. I was all in!!
Steve and Jane have a beautiful home in Scottsdale - it is full of natural light from the many skylights and windows all around, painted in vibrant, uplifting corrals and peaches with pops of teal and lime in the forms of pears, paintings and pillows. The gathering space & heart of their home showcases their gorgeous backyard, which contains a pool, citrus trees, pink oleanders, palm trees and a flower garden. It was like a retreat space for me, needless to say, but I had no idea how much of myself would shift, expand and open in just 3 short weeks living there.Ā
At first, I took it like a vacation - reading fiction by the pool, walking the dog through this new neighborhood and just enjoying being in this new, spacious place that the Universe had invited me into.Ā
But as always, the Universe invited me deeper and asked me to pay closer attention to the things around me and within me. I felt there were reasons why the Universe wanted me in that space, with that dog, for this amount of time, right now. I felt deeply invited to pay closer attention to my thoughts, feelings, intuitions. Listening closer to the breezes, the birds, the trees. Watching in awe the sunlight in the pool and the moonlight each evening. There were messages all around me, hidden in all of these places for me to discover and integrate. The Language of the World, as #paulocoelho calls it, for those of us on this pilgrimage.
We Attract What We Are.Ā
We Magnetize Into Our Experience That Which We Radiate Out.
This gorgeous place, green, vibrant with Life, water flowing through, breezes to cool the skin and sunlight to warm. Huge spacious rooms, bright colors, rays of light pouring in, inspiring, gifting clarity and inducing gratitude. A fuzzy companion with warm eyes and a childlike spirit.Ā
All of This.Ā
All of this had been gifted to me.Ā
And all of this was me.Ā
Mirrors.
It was like my soul reflecting back to itself.Ā
It was like the Universe saying:
Kelly, Look around. This is all just a mirror.Ā
Everything that you delight in here is actually just You.Ā
All the colors, the spacious feelings, the nature in vibrant life that engulfs you, the connection you feel - itās all just you.Ā
This is how you are in the world.
You magnetized this into your experience because your soul IS THIS EXPANSIVE.Ā
Your soul IS THIS BRIGHT.Ā
Your soul IS THIS VIBRANT.Ā
You were gifted a warm companion with a childlike spirit because YOU are a warm companion with a childlike spirit.Ā
You were gifted a pool of swirling water and light because YOU are water, swirling and reflecting Light.Ā
You were gifted a neighborhood with beautiful walkways of green grass, elegant swaying trees and nite skies filled with stars and moonlight because YOU are verdant and rooted, with serene pathways, because you also dance with the breezes and because you also radiate light into the darkness.
Iām still not sure what it all means. If Iām supposed to be doing something different, taking action in some way or if it was just a message to breathe into my being....
Itās also not a new piece of information necessarily. If there is anyone who believes in the brightness of souls, itās me! And, thanks to loving and supportive family & soul friends, I have always had a pretty healthy and robust sense of self, belief in myself and specifically in the value of my spirit Inside. Hell, I Iive there most of the time, so Iāve cultivated it to be bright and expansive. So, these messages were not new to me, but I guess it was just truly a Gift to See with my eyes, to Feel with my skin and to Hear with my ears the sights, textures and sounds of my soul in living vibration each day like that...Ā
But, What are you saying here, Universe? What do I need to Do?
Just Keep Being You, Kelly.Ā
That is all that really matters. Just Be You, and Life will fall into place just like this.Ā
Keep floating in the deep end with delight, letting your feet dangle and squinting in the sunlight.Ā
Keep stopping on your walks to watch the trees dance in the evening breezes.Ā
Keep being a good companion, guiding friends along new pathways, exploring new places both inside and out.Ā
Keep leaving places brighter.Ā
Keep being grateful for all the Beauty you notice.Ā
Keep buying bright fushia flowers for people because it expands your heart.
Keep keeping your heart open to feel the things Life flows down your stream.Ā
Keep embracing tears - be they of gratitude, of sadness for bittersweet endings or fear because floating in the deep end can seem scary. Just let the tears move through you.Ā
Keep Being You.Ā
I had, about 2 weeks into my stay, rediscovered the Joy of Floating.
I would just float in the deep end of the pool, gazing down into the blue water, watching the sunlight make waves and swirls of light around my shadow. Like how kids make snow angels, delighting in the feeling of the snow surrounding their bodies and the shape it takes around them, so did I utterly delight in feeling the cool water absorb me and would watch in wonder as the pool turned my shadow into a Fairy Mermaid right there in my own personal WonderLand. Instead of meditating, I would do this and watch the water on the brightly tiled pool floor, the waves of light that even my slightest breath would cause. Time seemed to still here and I was floating. Just Me and the Water and Light.
Just Being Me, Just Breathing Me would send out into the pool a bright Wave of Light.Ā
You Make Beautiful Vibrations, Kelly.Ā
Just Keep Being You.Ā
But, what aboutā¦.
Just Keep Being You.Ā
But what about my jobs, moneyā¦.I have no idea what Iām doing.Ā
Are you not floating?
Look Around!
Are you not taken care of?!
And Abundantly So?!
Be You.Ā
But floating is scary sometimes. I canāt touch the bottom here. My feet are just dangling...
The Shallow End is always over there. You can always return to it, whenever you want to. The Shallow End, where you feel your feet on the ground, where you wade heavily through the water. Itās there and you may return at any point.Ā
But isnāt floating nicer?
More fun?
How do you feel when you float?
I feel weightless, light, expansive. I feel supported, buoyed, held. I feel like the little girl I am who loves twirling in the water. I feel bright, in ease, and open.Ā
When I float, I easily enjoy the things around me - the trees, flowers, sunlight, companions. The waves swirl me around, glide me here and there, and my eyes can easily rest on what appears before them, and all deliver in delight.Ā
But shouldnāt I beā¦..???
Only if you want to. Only if you want to take up the storyline of hustle, forcing, āhard work.ā You can take it up and make it yours. Most people do. Itās the cultural story most prevalent.
Or you can float.
You can float in the deep end.
You can float and just trust the Water to buoy you, as you, just by breathing, move and radiate Light.Ā
This is why you were brought here.Ā
To remember how to float.
To remember how to be in water.
How to delight in swirling under the surface, engulfed in rays of light.
To let go and allow yourself to be buoyed by Her.
She can carry you if you let Her.Ā
This way, you can enjoy and delight in the ride.Ā
With ease and flow.Ā
With just breath, you move, you glide, you float.
You make waves of light that reach far and wide, to places you may never realize.
So just keep breathing and floating.Ā
Just Be You.Ā
And remember the trick to floating is to trust.Ā
The more you trust the Water, the more easily She carries You.
Today I sat down at a periwinkle wooden table with lime green cushioney chairs and journaled out how I want my life to look and feel for the next few years. All of the realms of it - feelings, body, home, work, friends, lovers, leisure. Iām currently house & pet sitting in a beautiful home in Scottsdale, with a huge pool, spacious, bright interiors and the sweetest, shaggy dog youāll ever meet, Murray. It feels like a rather large Airbnb experience to me and has given my mind a place to rest and a bit of a vacay vibe, which is welcome after a few weeks of transition and seeking some new work opportunities.
So here I am: Age 37 and in a place in my life, yet again, where I can totally recreate my world in a new way. Iāve done this a few times already in my life and I look at it as a gift each time, albeit not always arriving when Kelly feels ready, or in the way Kelly thinks it might arrive, but a gift nonetheless - a space in time where I shed a version of myself that is no longer and step into something new, yet at the same time, is still fundamentally me.
(Photo: Current View, #house-sittinglife)
Past and Present
To give some perspective, 10 years ago, Summer 2009, I was halfway into a 4 year stint as a missionary nun in East Harlem, having 5 years of convent life under my belt. I spent a good part of that summer in Guyana, in S. America, living the adventure, sleeping under a mosquito net, driving on the left side of the road and boating down the river to visit remote communities. We organized a girls summer camp, bathed in the river twice a day and slept in tents for 2 weeks. It was pretty awesome honestly. Guyana and Harlem were both vibrant communities, with beautiful people and so many lessons. And yet, that life - as a religious sister - was not one I wanted to live for the rest of mine, so in 2011, I walked and it was one of the best decisions Iāve ever made.
(Photo: Bright Lights of Guyana, 2009)
So, when I say Iāve been here before, in this space of recreating my life and who I want to be in this world, I most definitely have been and returning home from the convent was one of those moments. At age 30, I came home from religious life with a few-inches-past-buzzed hair situation, 1 pair of sports pants, a few t-shirts, sneakers and sandals much too worn. For the past 8 years, my identity had been Sister Lumen (and/or Madre Lumen, at least in Harlem)....Now, I had to re-take-up my birth name and being of KellySue...Who the heck is that and what is she like at age 30 out here in this new world where people curse, read magazines and donāt ask permission for things?!
Holy Fucking Shit! (I wrote that honestly prior to realizing the amazing irony of the phrase...needless to say, Iāve come a long way.) Yea, the journey back into āthe worldā is pretty fantastic actually, even though itās laced here and there with some tears and fears. Everything from shopping for clothes, applying to jobs, making friends and, gasp, dating is like navigating uncharted waters when you havenāt even really been trained in how to sail. I have an entire post dedicated to āThings They Donāt Tell You When You Leaveā here if youād like to walk through the details: 15 Things They Don't Tell You When You Leave the Convent
So, post-convent I was faced with creating not only a new life in pragmatic ways, but truly a new identity. Or more accurately, finding the original one! So, while I dabbled in teaching and other cool gigs, flitted around with a few cool folks and loved a magical man from Brooklyn, the most important thing I ādidā in New Jersey was find KellySue. And it was with that Found-Self that I boarded a 1-way flight to Arizona and knew in my gut the bright, mystical southwest would be my next home, and in many ways my first home - a space and life that I had created from the ground up, from the desires and images in my heart, to the colors that hang on my walls, the geeks and artists I spent my time with and the friends and lovers who have traversed my life here.
(Photo: Essequibo River, Guyana where we camped & bathed for 2 weeks)
And yet today, about 3.5 years into my Phoenix stint, I sit here at this table thatĀ
is not mine, before Life Herself yet again. I have moved on from the Art Center, my first landing and family community here (aside from my real family of course,) a place that held me as I grew and challenged me to thrive. I rent The Dollhouse (a fabulous casita snuggled in the backyard of the main house, in the eclectic hood of #Coronado) and love her very much, but have very few possessions - no car, the bike I ride is not mine, no large appliances. I have clothes, a phone and my laptop. I have a great mattress, 1 dresser, 1 couch, 2 pretty teal chairs and a table from #Target. My smaller tables & most art supplies are from my Aunt, my dishes are from #Goodwillphx, as are mostly everything of decorative purpose. I donāt own many books by choice and prefer the #phxpubliclibrary. Even though Iāve curated my space lovingly and it most definitely echoes my vibe of colorful, bright and cozy - none of it is stuff that anchors me in this city. If someone offered me a job or to house-sit for a few months in Spain or Belize or pretty much anywhere new to me, Iād be off in a heartbeat!
(Photo: Unsplash)
That Time on Mt. Washington
So, today I sit here and ask myself, āKelly, what do you want in your life?ā I dedicate 1 page per theme: Feelings, Home, Work, Friends, Leisure, Lover. And I feel and write, imagine and think. And it crosses my mind more than once that not many people have this luxury. Well, I consider it a luxury! Perhaps some would consider it frightening or some other adjective, who knows?! To be 37, no kids, no pets, no house, no partner (3 out of 4 are very intentional...the 4th is seasonal, lol!) To sit at a table and draft & craft some Life up for the next 3-5-10 years or so. To be open to all the opportunities the Universe offers me, to list and discern and choose things I desire, experiences I want, types of people and energy I seek to feel. To me, this is luxury.
But this moment of vision and serenity hasnāt come without some unrest and many months of annoyance! Itās been a long journey to arrive to this table, to my journal, to feeling calm and open to the Universeās next plans for me. Read on...
This arises in me every few years now, since Iāve been home. I feel like Iāve landed, I settle in, get cozy and then, kinda little by little, but eventually all of the sudden I look around where I am and my eyes grow wideā¦.
I pause, really look around, almost squinting to make sure, like, āNo, it canāt be. Not yet. Not alreadyā¦ā That takes a good 3-4 months.
Then, I sigh and look around again, really feel into the energy of the space Iām in in my life and interiorly nod my head, as I think, āUh-huh, yep...Alli estaā¦.There it is...Ha llegado la horaā¦..Itās time.ā This phase lasts another 1-2 monthsā¦.
I think on it, ponder it, hold that feeling between my fingers, feel the texture of it and ask Life, āReally?! Again?! Already?!ā
And, as Iām examining this situation from all angles in fits and starts, Life leads me (kicks, shoves me) right out the door because It Is fucking time, Kelly!
She ushers me into a brand new space (in all the senses) and opens the Doors of this new space so wide that the bright light actually hurts at first glanceā¦
Like some aching pain, squinting, not seeing quite clearly, some fear, uncertainty, wanting to turn around and run back to where itās darker, but familiar and Iām good at the stuff back thereā¦.
One thing the convent teaches you is humilityā¦.for better or worse, ha (#chapteroffaults.) It is a good virtue to possess and it has been a tool I have wielded in these moments in my life many times, a trusty friend if used wisely and, seemingly ironically, with confidence. Because humility allows me to be a novice each time, to be Ever-the-Learner, to be always open to the new. Humility allows me to be ok with not knowing everything, to be ok with being the new girl yet again, to be ok with waking up for weeks on end not knowing where youāre going to land, but trusting that you will, indeed, land, and land amazingly well because thatās what you do! Because ultimately, humility is not just relying on myself. Itās Me & The Universe. Itās trusting the shove out the door and believing the blinding light will one day actually clearly guide your path onto your next adventure and into a fuller version of yourself. Humility is like that time we (the nuns) hiked down Mt. Washington as the sun was setting, lead by only a flashlight, in the dark, wet forest, holding hands and trusting that if the sister in front of you landed her step safely, then the tiny light was all you also only needed to land safely. Humility allows for the one small step at a time, even if you donāt see the end or full picture yet, you know the Universe is showing you what you need in the moment you need itā¦.
Also, Nature Herself is Humble, so thereās thatā¦.
Trees thrive where theyāre planted.
Flowers are brilliantly radiant, yet silent.
The Ocean ebbs and flows forever without fanfare.
Birds unknowingly bring joy with their songs.
Mountains rise in splendor and ask no glory.
Gypsy Secrets
For someone who left the missionary life proper, who considers herself a homebody and most definitely a lover of the reliable routine, I find it funny that in the grand scheme of things, I actually move through life quite like a #gypsy! Iāve always been someone who leads with simplicity and doesnāt need many material items to feel happy, and I have never set an anchor in a place so deep that it forfeited my freedom to roam - a desire Iām learning is an essential part of my being. Itās a paradox of myself that I find really interesting. I will be the most reliable worker, on top of all my shit, I will work out faithfully and read daily, I eat the same things most days because I like themā¦.and yet, every 4 years or so I will hop on a plane, take of my habit, walk out of a job and just fling myself into the Universe in this kind of radical, unconventional way (āYouāre leaving your job and you donāt have the next one lined up?!āā¦.Iāve done this now 3x in my life quite successfully thankyouverymuch!) only to be explained by a feeling inside of me that I can no longer ignore. Or, more accurately, that no longer lets me ignore it. And so I go, I leave, I move, I reconsider, I recast dreams, I open, I sigh alot...I take that one clear step and then breathe, wondering what the next version of myself and my life will taste and feel like, grateful for the adventure and most importantly, knowing that āhomeā is not a place, but rather is within me, the liberating secret that every true #gypsy lives by.
Youāve seen more in 5 days in Miami than Pete & I have seen in one year!
Coconut Grove: My Sisterās Place
I recently had the opportunity to visit my sister, Erin and her boyfriend, Pete in their amazing place in Miami. This was the first time Iād visited them since they lived down there. The 3 of us had the weekend together and then I had Monday-Wednesday to explore the city on my own, while they went to work. (They are currently in Hawaii now, so donāt feel too bad!)
During our weekend together, we did all things #relax: pool time, patio time (they have an amazing view), and of course amazing eats, most of them waterfront:
1 Hotel Miami Beach, Planthouse: brunch with a view of the ocean
Rusty Pelican: dinner on Key Biscayne, waterfront, view of Miami skyline
Luluās: Coconut Groveās lovely downtown spot for brunch and people watching
Berries in the Grove: walkable local joint where we watched the Kentucky Derby!
Havana Harry's: authentic Cuban cuisine!
Doc Bās: downtown Coral Gables, fantastic all around, amazing guac
Coconut Grove is a sweet section of town, mostly with a residential feel, but also right next to the train and Route 1, both of which get you anywhere. Erin & Pete lived car-free in Phila and they remain car-free in Miami. Itās pretty awesome and very doable! Our trio had a blast together eating, relaxing and reconnecting - I canāt wait to return!Ā
(This was a quick post, so Iām bunching the pics together, #sorrynotsorry)
Monday: Little Havana
I had rented a car for my explorations from Monday through Wednesday. Iām not afraid to drive in new places or cities, thanks to being thrown into NY City as a nun and learning it on my own with a GPS! Nothing really scares me after that: If you can cruise in NYC, then you can cruise anywhere! (Iāve also driven a 12 passenger van on the left side of the road in Guyana, so thereās that. #ssvm #nunlife #missionaryadventures)
Anyway, of course my first desire when thinking of exploring Miami would be toĀ
visit Little Havana! It was only a 15 minute drive from Coconut Grove! The neighborhood is actually 3 square miles, most of it residential, so I just parked on a side street and made my way up to Calle Ocho, which is the main street of Little Havana.
The only part of Cuban culture Iāve ever been close to was Maria Cruz. She was a teacher at the church I worked for in Spanish Harlem, San Pablo. She had grown up in Cuba and lived there during the terrible times of Fidel Castro. She taught religion secretly and remembered what it was like to not have access to sugar. She lived there during the scarce and scary times & always had stories to tell. Then, she came to New York. I remember she would occasionally bring us (the nuns who worked in the CCD office) Cuban coffee, in those tiny NY cups and it was the richest, yummiest coffee Iād ever had! That was the closest to Cuban culture I ever got, until now.
My first goal was to find a cuban bakery or coffee shop and score some coffee & sweet breads or cookies to go along, then to sit and just people watch. Luckily, as I rounded the corner of Calle 8, I stumbled upon just that and ordered un cafe cubano and some I-donāt-know-what-they-are-called yummy cuban cookies. I took my treats down the street, seeking a bench to chill on, which I promptly found at Domino Park. Domino Park is just what it sounds like - a dozen or so tables, filled with locals (mostly men) playing dominos, laughing, drinking their cafes and chatting. It was a hub of bustle and I sat right down and enjoyed the scene! One of my favorite things to do while traveling is to find the local hubs, sit and just watch the people. I like to blend in (if possible), remain unnoticed and just observe humanity. Itās fascinating. I made eye contact with various of the players (old enough to be my grandparents,) smiled and I think they appreciated that I just quietly came in and sat down. There were loads of other tourists who came in charging with their cameras, hovering around the tables snapping photos, as if these folks were statues or something. It felt weird to me and I appreciated just being on the sidelines, enjoying my cafe & cookies, just watching.
From the park, I just wandered up and down Calle 8, snapping pictures of everything colorful, vibrant and interesting - which is basically everything in Little Havana. From the trash cans with Cuban art on them, to the wall tiles, street murals and picturesque cafes and walkways. Iām not really a shopper, so I skipped all the souvenir stores (although many looked like they had fun stuff!) and always consider my photos the best captures of my experience that I get to take with me for free. I love shooting new places, capturing scenes, art, and interesting corners or angles that people may not notice. So I spend the next 2 hours doing just that and it made me very happy. I also scored a second cafe cubano, because why not?
Iām not one to educate on history or culture, but Cuba does have an interesting, terrible and unique history behind all the colorful culture and rich coffees. Iāve read about it and learned first hand from Maria Cruz. Itās worth a look-up, whether or not you ever visit Little Havana or Cuba. (Same goes for any culture/country - who were the native peoples, what is their true history, whose land am I on, etc. )
Tuesday: Miami Beach Botanical Garden; South Miami Beach; Matheson Hammock Park
There are at least 5 amazing gardens one can visit in the Miami area, but the Miami Beach Botanical Garden is free! I drove the interesting highways over to Miami Beach and parked in the lot for a whopping $2/hour.
I was expecting the Gardens to be the size of the one here in Phoenix, which could easily take 2 hours to wander through. The Miami Beach Botanical Garden was probably only about ā the size, but reconciled the lack of acreage with rich, lush, tropical radiance! They had a pond with fish, turtles and frogs! A Japanese style garden, a labyrinth you can walk through, various fountains peacefully cascading water and everything in bloom, green and refreshing. Just walking around was like breathing healing air.
I spent about an hour there and still had time on my car to spare, so I was like, āOK, what am I near right now? Where can I explore?ā Turned out I was a 15 minute walk from South Beach, aka: the Ocean, so I headed east! Walking towards the beach, I heard dozens of languages, most of them totally unfamiliar to me, like from Eastern Europe and Asia for sure. Pretty neat.
The beach was calm, free (take notes, NJ) and very blue!! I walked to the water, sat in the sand and enjoyed the moment. I didnāt have a bathing suit on, so I just walked in to my ankles, but the water was refreshing. I would have jumped in, but I still had things to do that day and didnāt want #wetbuttcarseat.
I made my way home just in time for the afternoon shower to land. Afternoon showers are a thing in Miami during the rainy season. They usually pass in 1-2 hours, which this one did. Enough time for me to eat lunch and read a bit.
My next stop was the Old Cutler Trail, which I had read was great for biking or walking along. It was 13 miles in total, but one could start wherever and just meander. Well, I found the start of the trail in a gorgeous, historic neighborhood, but it seemed much more ideal for biking. I didnāt just want to walk in a neighborhood, so I kept driving along Old Culter just to see what I might find. This is just how I roll.
Shortly, I saw a sign for Matheson Hammock Park, aiming toward the bay, so I followed that sign. For $5, I could drive in and explore the bay area, swim and relax. It was shortly after the storm, so the place was pretty empty except for me, some lifeguards wandering around and the sunshine. Palm trees, calm beaches, a view of the Miami skyline. I explored the beach pretty intensely and witnessed all kinds of crab life happening right at the waters edge, and quite literally under my feet! It was a very lively shoreline! I watched the crab and critter bustle for quite some time! I relaxed on the picnic tables and watched the water, felt the breezes, just took in this secluded place I happened to find. I felt lucky!
Wednesday: Ancient Spanish Monastery
On my last day in Miami, I ventured to North Miami where the Ancient Spanish Monastery was situated. I guess, Dear Reader, youāve figured by now that Iām not one to just lay on the beach for 3 days straight! Donāt get me wrong, I love the ocean, but if I have the opportunity to explore a new city, I dive in! I love any reason to wander, take pictures, see something new. So, prior to my trip, I of course researched and selected a few main sites to visit, one of them being this Monastery that just looked gorgeous. I love old buildings, things that feel European and old, and of course there is my ever-affinity to anything related to #monasticlife! Well, this monastery would prove much more interesting than I anticipated!
History from Spanish Monastery:
āConstruction of the Monastery of St. Bernard de Clairvaux was begun in the year 1133 AD near Segovia, Spain. Cistercian monks occupied the Monastery for nearly 700 years. After a social revolution in the 1830's, the Monasteryās Cloisters were seized, sold, and converted into a granary and stable.
In 1925, William Randolph Hearst purchased the Cloisters and the Monastery's outbuildings. The structures were dismantled stone by stone, bound with protective hay, packed in more than 11,000 wooden crates, numbered for identification and shipped to the United States. Soon after the shipment arrived, Hearst's financial problems forced most of his collection to be sold at auction. The massive crates remained in a warehouse in Brooklyn, New York, for 26 years. One year after Hearstās' death in 1952, they were purchased by two entrepreneurs for use as a tourist attraction. It took 19 months to put the Monastery back together. In 1953 Time magazine called it āthe biggest jigsaw puzzle in history.āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
In 1964, Colonel Robert Pentland, Jr, who was a multimillionaire banker, philanthropist and benefactor of many Episcopal churches, purchased the Cloisters and presented them to the Bishop of Florida. Today the parish Church of St. Bernard de Clairvaux is an active and growing congregation in the Episcopal Diocese of Southeast Florida.ā
The photos show how beautifully restored this place is, in addition to it being basically another botanical gardens. There was a labyrinth on the grounds one could wander through and rows of perfectly planted, vibrant flowers. Moving through the Monastery was like being in a different epoch. Knowing that generations of monks silently moved through the corridors, ate in the refrectory and lived religious life within those stones was pretty amazing. Worth the visit, if you geek-out on this stuff like I do. Plus, a gorgeous place to take pictures!
En Fin
My adventure in Miami was fabulous and now I want to move there. Seriously, the green and the water, the tropical vibe got me. While I love the desert and all Phoenix has been to me, Miami felt like my next move. Next move, like give me a year or so to get my biz going, then tropics here I come! Not to mention, my brilliant sister & her fab partner Pete live there. Miami felt real good.
Books! How Reading Has Elevated My Mind & Heart Post-Convent
In the convent we were only provided with catholic books. There were libraries in every convent and we were reading all the time actually, but it was all catholic culture, doctrine, spirituality, thought. I have undoubtedly read the life of every single religious nun in church history. When I came home, it took me awhile to not feel scandalous reading other material or books. Even flipping through a regular magazine felt borderline sinful because of what I was exposing myself to - articles about sex, humans in underwear or bathing suites, products enhancing vanity, etc. As I state everywhere, the Program is real and it took me probably about a year before I āstrayedā into reading non-catholic books.
Eventually I headed over to the library, got myself a card and wandered through the great halls and explored. It was one of the most liberating moments post-convent, for me. To be able to freely wander these fantastic long rows of all the books I could ever want! It was an introvert and writerās dream! Fictional stories about different places, books on nature, animals, travel, art! Books on psychology, the brain, nutrition, health! And of course, books on all the religions and spiritualities in the world. It was definitely a moment of mental liberation and thrill for me when I realized how much of the world had been kept from me and how much I was now totally free to explore! Yes, in religious life we were exposed to music, art, history, philosophy - it was actually a very rigorous academic formation - but it was all within the context of the church, it was all always catholic in some form or fashion.
Reading took me into the world at large and let my mind breathe outside of the church confines. I reveled in reading a book about the brain! I relaxed and enjoyed the comfort of a good fiction book on a snowy day. Reading definitely played a huge part in deprogramming my mind from not only all the convent culture, but the catholic programming as well. As someone who is naturally docile and a pleaser, I had accepted mostly everything without question (which is why I was fantastic as a religious superior by the way.) There were always a minority of sisters who were intellectually curious and rebellious, who would question the things or care enough to ask. I didnāt really. It was easier to just assent and move along. However, reading helped me not only open my mind, but begin to use it again, to learn the questions, to integrate new information regarding the church, the world, and myself. No wonder they donāt let religious read more non-catholic stuff - it creates free thinking humans!
Ok, so here is my list of some truly life-changing books, in my geek-opinion. I would recommend these books to any person, whether they were a nun in a past life or not, male or female or any gender identity honestly. I think they are good for the human spirit and mind to learn about, to traverse and integrate!
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho: This is an international forever best seller, life-changing type of book. It is published in 56 languages and has won the Guinness World Record as the most translated book by a living author. Need I say more? It is in essence a fable about a young man who traverses the desert and has different experiences, searching for his purpose. Underneath the story, the mythical characters, the magical desert landscapes are truths about life, love, and self that will resonate if you have a beating heart. There is really nothing more to say here.
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown: This amazing woman is generally more known for her Ted Talk and for her book, āDaring Greatly,ā however for me, it was āThe Gifts of Imperfectionā that really spoke to many things I was struggling with on my road back into the world. She is famous for her TedTalk on Vulnerability, which probably every human should watch. She teaches on courage, authenticity and showing up as yourself, not faking for anyone. The things she speaks and writes have always resonated with me, because she speaks the language of being human. This book however is a short and sweet version of her overarching philosophy. Itās divided into bite size chapters, packed with real stories and good fodder for thinking, as well as practical ways to implement the practices into your life. Since a lot of convent programming focused on: self-denial, sin, staying busy, keep working, rules, control, falling in line - this book focuses on things like playfulness, creativity, letting go of what people think, self-compassion, heeding intuition, and rest! Itās kind of like an antidote to much of the rigorous mental & physical sides of religious life. For me personally, it kickstarted my curiosity regarding art and creativity specifically. It led me to try new things, to grab some art supplies and begin to just play. Finding art and play was a very deep part of my re-integration and self-confidence that is still with me today. In art and play, I learned to be fully myself without filters. Due to the happiness I found in art & being creative, it opened an entire universe of creativity, movement and freedom for me, mentally, spiritually and physically. Do yourself a favor and grab this short & sweet life manual!
Womenās Body, Womenās Wisdom by Dr. Christianne Northrup, MD: This is basically an anatomy textbook that is fascinating and is helpful if you have a body. True confession: Iām a total geek about the body and enjoy learning about how we work, so dipping into this book was fun for me, however - Ā if you have a body that you live and move and breathe in daily, I highly recommend getting to know how it works for you in exquisite detail at each moment! Itās a big book and that can be off-putting. I get it. The bible is also a big book, but how do you read it? You donāt read it in one sitting, nor do you read it from front to back. You pick it up and read wherever you are led. This is how I read books like Womenās Body, Womenās Wisdom. I read the contents, then skip to any chapter or parts that Iām curious about.
What does this book have to do with life post-convent?
Basic Health: Well, in religious life there was a lot of programming around ignoring the needs of the body, which leads to ignorance in general about how our bodies work and how to take care of them. Also, in religious life, we kind of eat whatever we are given or served. Learning about our bodies and nutrition empower us to choose how we want to nourish our bodies for maximum efficiency and replenishment. This helps us to feel amazing mentally and physically, aiding in our journeys onward. Eating crap and not taking care of our bodies will make the transition into the world - an already rocky one at best - that much more difficult, as our brains will be sluggish, anxious or depressed and our bodies will feel tired and weary. Knowing our bodies and caring for them is perhaps the single most important foundational piece to transitioning back to the world serenely.
Coming Home: Lastly, and personally most important for me was just reconnecting with my body, on the energetic and spiritual level. In the convent (and often in the church,) we live so much in our heads, such an academic and spiritual atmosphere. For a decade, I barely thought about the needs or feelings in my own body. Itās like the priests and nuns are a bunch of heads running here and there. The simple act of sitting and listening to my breathing, or just stopping to notice my heart beat were transformational moments for me. I felt like, āWow, this living, breathing body has been here all along, working for me, taking care of me, doing what she needs to survive, assimilate foods, move for me. And I have utterly ignored every need and feeling from her.ā It was a coming home and a reconciliation for me.
This book will help any human understand their bodily systems much better. It is not heavily scientific, even though she is a renowned doctor. Itās written for the regular person, living a modern-day life. It connects the body with stress effects, the basics of nutrition and shows the energetic connection between the body, mind and illness. It is not new-agey or woo-woo. Itās grounded in legit science and medicine (I say this for the skeptics, because I do believe also in energetic medicines - my Mom is a massage therapist and Reiki practitioner!) It is approachable and easy to read. Itās more like a manual or reference book, but indeed should be read or at least present in any human household!
The Female Brain by Louanne Brizendine, MD: This is along similar lines to Womenās Body, Womenās Wisdom except that it is focused soley on the brain functions and hormones. This book blew up my mind space about my cycle, my hormones and explained so much about how being a menstruating woman feels. I formerly thought that all the hype around pms and cyclical hormones was just that - cultural hype, making fun and being dramatic. This MD explains, again using scientific research in an approachable manner, how exactly our brains work, how our cycles work and how they are connected with the waves of the three main hormones that pulse through us. Itās not a joke, itās not a drama, itās basic science and anatomy and how the female brain and reproductive system works. Every human should read it - if they are a menstruating person, or if they know one. Men need to read this book if they are dating women, married to women or are dadās to women!
This book also empowered me (I rarely use that word because it feels so overused these days, so know that the fact that Iām using it for these two books is noteworthy!) to know myself and my body even more. It helps explain why, as women, we sometimes feel fantastic, strong, outgoing and sexy while other weeks, we may simply want to cozy up in a blanket with a book for 3 days, and not talk to anyone. It helped me understand why sometimes I feel emotionally and mentally resilient, like I can take shit and move on with my day, whereas other days every small comment causes an emotional upset. Understanding my cyclic nature has helped me plan my social life, my errands, my work life, my exercise routines and greatly assisted in relationships. It has given me ownership over my body and being that I am no longer confused or embarrassed by, but rather proud of and make no excuses for. I always know where I am in my cycle and I donāt get freaked out if I am feeling a little low energy or gloomy some days. Additionally, when I am feeling the extra bounce of energy provided by my hormones on the rise, I take full advantage to make social plans, be adventurous and get things done!
Spiritually, Iāve been able to connect the cyclic nature of my body to the cyclic natures of creation and this most definitely has helped me to find peace in each season of a cycle. We cannot be going all the time, just like the flowers are not constantly blooming, and itās not always Spring. There are seasons of hibernation and stillness, just as much as there are seasons of bursting forth and vibrancy. The ocean waves ebb and flow, the moon waxes and wanes. We go forth and retreat. Iāve written an entire blog on this you can find here (insert link.) Our society and culture, including the culture within the convent, is constantly pushing us to work, keep going, moving always forward (adelante) - however, if we take some wisdom from Nature, we will see that nothing in Nature is always pushing outward. Literally nothing. Things grow and bloom in seasons, in cycles of going forth and pulling inward. This is what our menstrual cycle reminds us to do. Our magic and power as women dwells within us and the only way to tap into that is to have time to go inward. This is why we bleed, why our hormones drop, why we yearn for solitude, quiet and stillness. Itās nature giving us the time we need, just like other living beings, to listen, nourish, incubate the light, love and creative works that we are called to bring forth into the world.
Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd: This provocative title drew me and I also love a good autobiographical account. This is the real story of Sueās personal spiritual journey, her Story of a Soul, one that began in the christian church world and led her across the world in search of the divine. I was never one to buy into or pay much attention to the charged lingo like āpatriarchyā and āmisogynisticā things that people said about the church, but when this book found me, I had processed enough of my time in the convent, to read and be open minded about this womanās journey and search for not only the divine, but truth in the church and rituals. It helped me see with a lot of clarity how things in the convent, especially how we revered the priest ad nauseum, how we served and drove them everywhere, how Mass and many rituals are focused on them - is perhaps a little skewed and off. And I am someone who still holds love for many a priest in my life. I think itās ok to not be in agreement with the male power in the church, and at the same time truly enjoy the persons that are specific priests in our lives. The book is not all about this, but it was one of the first pieces of literature where - since I was drawn into her personal journey - I read about how patriarchy and men in power can affect one womanās experience of the Divine and of Church. She takes a beautiful journey that is full of connections to her heart, body, the earth, rituals and a sincere seeking of the Divine.
A few others that come to mind, a short list:
Falling Upwards by Fr. Richard Rohr: This Franciscan priest elaborates on how the second act in someoneās life is often accompanied by great spiritual growth and what we sometimes label as failures or falls actually catapult us forward and upward in wisdom and light. What he connects here regarding veterans who return to civilian life was very helpful & affirming with how many of us feel returning to life in the world, after a unique and extreme situation. Great, helpful read!
The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron: If you experience sensory overwhelm, have introvert tendencies, donāt like loud places, people, violent movies, etc - this book is for you. It helped me feel normal and be more confident asking for what I need in life, relationships, work and saying no to what I do not enjoy. About 15-20% of humans are HSP, and of that number, 70% are introverts. There is a website dedicated to this book with a quiz you can take to see if you fall into this category.
Quiet by Susan Cain: For all my introverts, do yourself a favor! For all my extroverts, learn about your friends, family and lovers here! This book upped my confidence and self-awareness even more, enabling me to find strength and confidence in my innate, interior, introverted gifts.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman: If you plan on loving humans, read this book or at least go to the website, take the quiz and know your own languages. Do you know how you recieve love? Are you a gift person, or acts of service? Do you love physical touch or would you rather have someone compliment you? Also - are you giving love to your loved ones in the language they speak? If you give compliments to someone who prefers acts of service, your compliments will mean nothing. Again, just great to know if you are human and plan on loving and being loved on any level.
Ok, thatās all for now. I could add dozens to this list! Happy Reading!
I am one of those people. You know them. We have to turn down the music in the car, or the volume on the tv if you are having a conversation with us. We have to close the door of our room or office, if there is noise happening outside. We look at you with painful, squinty eyes in crowded, loud restaurants, hunching as close to you as possible, straining in agony to hear whatever you are saying. I am one of those people and always have been, yet only recently have realized a.) that not everyone is like this (!) and b.) that itās ok to ask for what I need.
The Concert Effect
It is not any kind of medical condition that I have. I do believe itās something related to my introvert and hsp brain wiring. Iām sure there are scientific articles written on this, but Iām just sharing what it feels like in my own experience. It is as if my ears and brain do not discern one noise from the other, in terms of which is the primary input (a conversation for example) and which is the background (ex: music.) They both come in at full volume and blend in my ears! What most people may experience only in a concert-like setting, namely really loud music and straining to hold a conversation with the person next to you, is what it feels like for me to be in a car talking with someone who also has their radio on. Not in terms of volume, but in terms of two forms of auditory input happening simultaneously at the same decibels, of which you cannot discern one from the other. It literally feels like both things hold equal weight in my ears and they come into my auditory system each in totally full effect and I strain to separate them easily. Another example would be a DJ mixing two songs simultaneously, creating a very discordant situation in your ears. Ā It is a very uncomfortable sensation and when itās not monitored, takes heaps of energy to focus on the primary input, which is usually a conversation.
The Shut Down
The typical consequence if this situation goes on long enough is that I will just tune out of everything and stop engaging, usually simply out of exhaustion. It just becomes way too strenuous and uncomfortable to try to discern the primary input and ignore the secondary input, that I just stop straining. This happens a lot in cars with other people or even with Lyft drivers. Very frequently, I have to ask Lyft drivers to turn their music down because they are trying to chat with me (which, Dear Lyft Drivers, is not necessary!) and they keep their music on regular volume. Iāve asked drivers like 3x to continue lowering their radio until I can finally hear just them speaking. I do it in group car rides where there are various voices, plus music going on. I do it at dinner tables with mixed conversations happening.Ā
This is also why larger social gatherings are usually not enjoyable (many reasons for us introverts, but this is definitely high on the list for me) - there is usually various auditory things happening all at once: music, laughter, voices, conversations near and far, clanking of kitchen or bar thingsā¦.Itās like being on a bad trip for me and I just avoid those situations as much as I can. (Fun fact: going dancing is an exception here. When I go out to go dancing, most of the night is just listening to music and dancing. There is very little chatting and what little there is is tolerable for the overall enjoyable effect of good music and dancing time!)
Curating
Iāve learned to curate my noise levels in most ways in my life and it has definitely helped. Some practical things that I always do are:
*Working with my office door closed. My coworkers know I am there and available, but itās so much easier for me to speak on the phone with clients and think or work in general, if Iām not having extra audio-input from office conversations or music.
*Checking out the layout of new restaurants. When going somewhere new, I try to look at the layouts of restaurants or cafes to make sure the tables are spaced out and I read reviews, specifically looking for comments on ambiance & noise or music. I prefer quiet eateries with plenty of breathing room between tables, so that I can have the pleasure of eating out, while enjoying intimate conversation. Loud restaurants - either with close people or loud music - can totally ruin the entire experience for me and I will just shut off because the energy needed to listen to any actual conversation exhausts me. This also happens in any group meals with mixed conversations - I usually just default to observation mode because it becomes auditory overwhelm again.
*My house is usually silent. The only times I put music on is when Iām working out or cleaning, and even then, only if Iām in the mood. I can spend an entire weekend in my house, in total silence (except for netflix and nature) and be totally happy. This truth is not foreign to any fellow introvert.
*At the front desk, I turn off the ringer. This allows me to converse calmly with anyone who walks into the Art Center and not be jarringly alarmed every time the phone rings. If Iām alone, I can see the green light flashing and pick up the phone. If I am with a human, I can remain focused fully on their needs. (Fwiw, I am always scandalized by anyone who holds a conversation at full volume in our lobby while they see Iām on the phone. To me, itās like the concert situation all over again, but I understand that many humans donāt have the sensitivity I have and have no clue how jarring it is to hear their conversation in full volume coming into my ears, while at the same time having a client also talking into my ears on the phone!)
*Avoiding crowded places or events. Any place that is crowded inevitably has various lines of auditory input happening, usually music, voices and other noises like cooking, cars, etc. I will go to the occasional concert or street event if the event is worth the discomfort to me, but very rarely and only for like 1-2 hours tops. Itās difficult to enjoy the music/food/event and converse comfortably at the same time for me, unless we can find a quiet spot to have some seclusion from the noise. Usually, I just avoid these events and prefer to spend 1-on-1 time with said persons in a quieter situation. I am also someone who generally prefers connecting 1-on-1 with someone, as opposed to experiencing an event, when it comes to how I recreate and recharge and enjoy. Also, typical introvert quality.
*Asking for what I need. This has taken time for me to learn, but now I just donāt care and I ask. In many cases my friends, family, drivers, waiters have been able to lower the volume on things to a level that is more comfortable for me. I also am not afraid to share this sensitivity and explain it to people anymore. This is how I am and I would like to fully hear you and engage in our conversation, so can we turn down the music?
So, thanks for reading! Know that there are probably many people in your life who have this sensitivity and maybe just rarely ask for what they need. Know that itās ok to ask them, to ask anyone, if music is too loud or if crowded places are not their thing. There are more of us than you think out here, curating our noise levels so as to engage in a full way with those who we love and the world around us!
I have a high level of aversion to the phone. To the ringing, to having to talk, to the whole situation! The unexpected noise startles me and having to talk without mental preparation that I will be peopling unnerves me. Related to other posts, this introvert is extremely audio-sensitive and, like most introverts, feels most calm when given some mental prep time prior to any kind of socialization. For the heavy hitters in my life, I make phone dates & take them as seriously as if I were meeting them in person. These are people who live far away and with whom I want to have real, engaging conversations and truly need to connect with because they are my Inner Circle. I know when we will call each other and have set to do nothing else during that time frame other than be on the phone with them. I literally make a calendar date ceremoniously for each of them, the same way I would calendar in a live date. This is mainly because I am not someone who can do various things while talking on the phone. Part of being an introvert and highly sensitive person is that our brains are more easily over-stimulated by sensory data than the rest of the world. Hence, for me to hold a conversation on the phone is all I can comfortably handle doing. Whoever is on the other end has my full attention and focus. I donāt cook, clean, workout, or have Netflix on. I recently tried doing this with my Mom and dropped my homemade pizza on the floor! The struggle is real.
(Photo: Unsplash. And, personal Preferred Use of Phone.)
For me, what irks me about random phone calls is three-fold:
1.) The interruption. For this reason, in most cases, even if I know the person, I will not answer. I donāt know about other intros, but I donāt handle interruptions easily. If I am working, working out, cooking, relaxing, reading, living, breathing - most likely, I will not answer your random phone call. There are a very few minor exceptions to this rule and they know who they are!
2.) The unexpected noise. Anyone who knows me, knows that I startle at the slightest sound, so the unexpected noise of the phone is very jarring. Even though my ringtone is very nice, it still bothers the shit out of me! Yes, I mute my phone, but thankfully I donāt get too many randos, so I usually donāt have to!
3.) The unplanned expectation to have a conversation/give an answer/make a choice/people on the spot. I generally dislike having to be the one to make decisions and I most definitely hate doing it under time pressure. I donāt think well on my feet (which, I might add, is a good quality in some cases!) Iām much better if given time to think and plan an answer or right choice. I process slowly & deeply, and get anxious and overwhelmed under time pressure, so if you are expecting some kind of quick plan of action with a phone call, you have dialed the wrong number! My preferred ways of connecting are either via text or in person. I say I hate texting, but in reality I like the freedom of it. There is no pressure to reply immediately, itās understood if it takes one a few moments to maybe an hour or so to reply. Also, for a writer like me, it comes very naturally to fully express all the things via the written word. Obviously, I also love emails and letters, but wait - who even knows what those are anymore?!
(Photo: Unsplash. And, how I feel when I ignore a phone call.)
All of this to say nothing of my present job, which is a lot of customer service over the phone. At work, though, I already go in mentally knowing that peopling via the phone will be a part of my day. Itās not all day and I can manage it how I want to, so itās not that bad for me. For example, I turn the ringer off at the front desk, so it doesnāt startle me & still can pick up when I see my extension flashing. What I can email, I do. What I can have volunteers take care of, I do. The important stuff and items that only I should handle, I take because thatās my job. And, quite honestly, Iām really good on the phone with people! It may not be my personal favorite part of my job, but having the gift for 1-on-1 conversation and relating that introverts generally have, I feel like Iām pretty good at keeping our students happy and artsy!
I probably still would have preferred an email though......!!! ;)
Why Extroverts Love Parties and Introverts Love Reading Alone
Here is a quick lesson on why introverts and extroverts are just simply so different. Itās mainly because different types of activities give us pleasure and that is due to different preferences in our brain chemistry. Here goes!
Extroverts = Dopamine = Love External Stimuli
Introverts have different maps, circulation and wiring for rewards than extroverts. We actually have different preferences when it comes to dominant neurotransmitters. #nerdalert. Stay with me. Extroverts love and respond to dopamine! They also have a high threshold for it though, so they need more external stimuli to get their pleasure buzz. This is why they are often seeking out high stimulation situations - socializing, electric places with lights, music, people, even getting promoted, taking on challenges and risks - they all hit the extrovert pleasure center and send them soaring with dopamine happiness. They turn on the sympathetic nervous system, that primal system we have that gets our bodies ready to fight or flight, becoming super alert and ready to take on anything. Extroverts love that feeling of alertness and thrive on all the sensory stimulation - itās actually pleasurable for them in high doses! This is also why extroverts dislike staying home alone in a quiet house, reading a book, for example. It just isnāt pleasurable for them, quite literally, quite chemically just not pleasurable!
For introverts, our sensitivity to dopamine is super acute and we have a much lower threshold for it, thus even mild stimulation - noise, people, lots of imagery - can easily surpass the limit and instead of feeling pleasure, can land us in the discomfort zone. This is why we love socializing with a few people, with only some noise, in calmer places because anything beyond a certain level will end up being an anxious or stressful situation for us, instead of pleasurable. This is why many introverts develop an aversion to large, loud social events - concerts, parties - because they truly are, thanks to our brain wiring, very unpleasant situations for us.
Introverts = Acetylcholine = Internal Stimuli
Introverts are actually more motivated by the other neurotransmitter, acetylcholine! If dopamine is like the rebellious, leather jacket-wearing, Risk Taker, then acetylcholine is like the warm, fuzzy, gentle Mama Bear! Acetylcholine is like dopamineās true opposite and causes us to feel pleasant and happy when we are engaged in more internal activities like reading, long-term concentration and meditation. Acetylcholine is what turns on the parasympathetic nervous system, that primal part of us that is humming along happily when we feel safe, relaxed and cozy! Nothing is threatening our survival (thatās what the sympathetic nervous system is for,) so our muscles relax, our heartbeat calms down and we are happy in our cozy places. Extroverts, however, hardly register acetylcholineās gentle happiness bump, so itās no wonder a quiet night in is rarely on their top 5.
(Photo: A recent library haul, providing me hours of happiness!)
Honor and Honesty
This major difference in our brainās wiring and chemistry plays out in all kinds of ways: work life, relationships, friendships and even exercise habits and lifestyle choices. Each of those are fodder for another article, but if you are an extrovert reading this & youāve never understood why a person in your life avoids parties or literally will always prefer a night in, hopefully now you will see that they are just choosing their version of pleasure! And if you are a fellow innie, firstly, letās understand the extros and honor their needs for external stimuli, because we all know that we need and love them in our lives. They often pull us out of our comfort zone to experience exciting things! Secondly, I encourage my fellow innies to just be honest! Tell your friends that youād rather just go home and read. Period! And let that truth be enough for you and for them. Tell your family that youāll come to the holiday party, but only for an hour or so because that is all you can comfortably navigate. No need to lie, make up fake plans or endure extra hours in anxiety or discomfort - that just continues to keep the extroverted lifestyle as the main and only respected way in our culture. We need to let our loved ones know how we function and that our lower need for being around them and doing things with them all the time really has nothing to do with them at all or how we feel about them - itās just us trying to balance our love for others with our need for our types of pleasure. Plus, the more we can experience our types of pleasure, most likely the better and more often we can love them!
āāFound ur blog thru Instagram. I'm a religious sister. While my community is not a cult, we are far from perfect. Your writing helped me put words 2 my own experience--which has been majorly messed up from time to time. I saw 3/5 of my canonical novitiate leave (2 treated 4 major depression.) I entered post grad school, at 26. I'd been an adult & managed things on my own "BC".
Once āinsideā, I was treated like a child. Now, Iām going thru therapy to be an adult (again). Thx for naming the gifts ur nun life gave u. Ironically, Iām in NYC now. Iāll wave to St. Paulās the next time Iām up that way.Ā
Hi Anonymous,Ā So sorry for the delay & I cannot find a way to respond to you other than this way. It does not allow me to message you backā¦they change this platform all the time. Anyway, I also cannot tell when you sent this and did not get any kind of notification that you had written, but thank you for sharing your experience with me and for connecting. So, you are still a religious, but just in therapy to learn how to manage or merge being an adult in religious life? I get that. I am sorry to hear about your classmates as well. I knew personally many dear friends/sisters who suffered a lot inside, left with depression and had to struggle to regain their confidence and peace outside. Granted, not everyone who enters is emotionally healthy to begin with, but I do think that various ways of the lifestyle could be damaging to someone who already has those tendencies of depression.
Iām happy to hear you are in NY and yes, please step into St. Pauls and take a look at it on the inside! Itās truly a gorgeous church! Thank you for saying that - I hold many, many fond memories of sweet times with the people there.
Feel free to share my name and posts with any friends you may know. I am always happy to listen, share and in anyway hold space for anyone either on the inside or outside.
Iāve been living the bike life now for almost a year and a half here in downtown Phoenix. After a small fender that busted up my beloved Max (Ford Taurus, very old, no AC, leaking roof, but helpful!) I decided to let him go, and with him, all the trappings of car ownership. For a trial run. I said I would try out the #bikelife for 3-6 months and see how I like it, see how or if I could adjust my lifestyle to it, and whether or not the bike life was overall something of true value for me, both internally and financially.
In my initial #bikelife post last year (Adventures in Not Owning A Car,) I enumerate the various financial benefits and reasons why the bike life was, for me personally, economically savvy. It has still most definitely proven so and Iāve adjusted even more to the lifestyle, having since made further changes and routines that create an easier flow for me. I continue to confess that I know that living this lifestyle is a privilege! I deliberately chose a home close to where I work and I have zero dependents, and my Aunt Barb has lent me her bike indefinitely as long as I live in Arizona (Thanks, Aunt Barb!) Also, for what itās worth, I am very much an introverted homebody, so Iām not someone who is or constantly needs to be out and about. Thus, relying on Lyft for occasional trips is very within my budget. Also, since most of my social plans are with family or friends and happen relatively close to me, I gratefully take up their offers on rides and happily return the favor with coffee or drinks or gas money. Thus, this entire situation itās not a life circumstance that most people are in and I know that. I am grateful for this season in my life when I can live this way and in this post, I want to explore and reflect beyond just the financial benefits, because the #bikelife has in many ways enriched my entire experience of the world.
The Nature Connect
The bike life connects me to the natural world. I used to think that Phoenix had pleasant weather pretty much year āroundā¦.until I began biking in it!!! While Phoenix may notĀ āhave weatherā frequently, when it does, this place doesnāt mess around! If itās not pleasant and sunny (which, honestly, it is like 80% of the year,) then itās either extremely hot and dry reaching temps over 100 for weeks at a time, pouring monsoon-like storms or we are having the coldest winter since 2013! Phoenix doesnāt mess and when it actually allows weather into the Valley, it is always something extreme. But this is actually a positive point here! I have grown to love biking in the all the weathers! I am actually really proud to say that I bike to work in all the seasons here! I bike to work in the Arizona summers, and I bike on the mornings when itās under 40! If you would have told me two years ago, that I would be biking to my job in under 40 degree weather, and enjoying it, I would not have believed you. But, I actually do enjoy it. Even for this girl who despises being cold generally, the Aliveness I feel each day I get to go outside, feel the weather and experience the Elements on my skin far outweighs any uncomfortable moments of cold hands in January or radiating heat on my neck during July. Biking brings me into the natural world each day, kind of whether I like it or not, and that daily dose of weather, even when it is extreme, is good medicine for my entire being! Its my few minutes of feeling the sun on my face or the rush of the cold. Many times it is the only 30 minutes I am outside on any given day. On some days when Iām just tired of packing my bag, putting on my helmet and going thru the routine, ultimately itās the connect with nature in Her seasons that pull me through and never really let me down. I arrive to work refreshed and in a better mood, pretty much never fail! (Yes, I have my limits too: for monsoons and over 115 degrees, I use Lyft or call a neighbor, but that is literally under 10x a year!)
(Photo: Me in my usual bike get-up on a cold day, going home. Cred: Mirinda, also seen in reflection, encouraging as always!)
Less Stress
Biking also kind of just simplifies the commute. I have 2 choices each day: bike or walk. Both are relatively simple and low maintenance transportation styles. This season, I *may have* chuckled as I rode by various folks standing by their cars, waiting for them to heat up and melt the frost on their windshield....Ā
In the summer, I ride by parked cars that are humming, as they build up their AC inside, so the owner doesnāt suffocate at 125 degrees upon entrance. In the 10 minutes it takes them to cool down their car, then sit in traffic, Iām having a peaceful bike ride, enjoying nature and arriving at the same time! Itās pretty fantastic most days! I ride by folks with flat tires, fenders, and cars that seem like they probably shouldnāt be cars anymore! I also know the awesome feeling of driving a car without AC here in the desert summer, as well as one that has an ironically leaking roof. In the desert, where one would not think much about rain problems or that a leaky roof would be an issue, it totally sucks during monsoon season! I feel the human with car troubles, believe me! Iāve had them too! However, these are all situations I have left behind and can very simply pedal by and be grateful that I donāt have to deal with or worry about them. Not owning a car just makes the daily commute a lot simpler!
(Photo: Unsplash)
Moving Meditation
Iāve learned I prefer the slower pace of biking and walking to work much more than driving. When I bike or walk to work, once Iām out of my neighborhood, Iām on some major streets where cars are whizzing by in their AC or heated seats, with radio blasting, trying to make it thru the āorangeā light! That was me for most of my former driving life, so no judgement here. I was a car owner from age 17-35, so I love a good car dance and I will never turn down heated seats! However, biking and walking are organically a much slower pace. They cause me to notice the plants, the trees, the flowers I pass by daily, and watch them transform through the seasons. Biking and walking allows me to enjoy the songs of the birds and say hello to all the neighborhood pups and kittens. Iām not being sappy here, these are things that truly make me happy. Iāve even noticed how the sun rises and sets at different angles in the sky, as the seasons change, which in some deep way makes me feel more connected to All That Is. On the way home, I get to revel in some of the best views of our Arizona sunsets, as I can linger wherever I want, stop and gaze at the sky and allow myself to be mesmerized by the palette of magenta pinks and fiery oranges. Not to mention inhale the yummy wafts of dinner that swirl through the evening air in Coronado (my eclectic neighborhood!) - Italian garlic and Indian curries are the usual fare! YUM! Itās delightful! These little nuances are imperceptible to the whizzing car with blasting music. The slower pace allows me to tune into the subtler moments, cycles and patterns of life, as well as engage my senses much more, all which for me, enhance my entire experience of the day, and consequently of the seasons in my own life. It is quite literally a moving meditation.
Gratitude
So, how is the bike life going, do I still like it, is it worth it?! Yes, for many reasons! Financially, it definitely is an amazing option that I have in my present situation. But, of even more value, are the daily, small ways that this lifestyle pulls me into the present, allows me to feel Nature into my bones and tunes me into the frequency of the Elements. For me, these consequences are gifts that I did not intend and for which I am daily grateful.
