Cravings, Still Unsatisfied
Lately, I realized that I become a needy person. Again. I thought I've overcome this long time already but no, I was wrong. I guess, it will be always with me.
Ever since I was a kid, I always craved attention. I needed Mommy and Daddy because they are always working. I badly needed someone to talk to but I often end up being scolded every time by my Tita's who are taking care of me or, worst, by Mommy. I needed a family conversation the most. I needed those words of wisdom and the I love you's. I needed my brother but we tend to fight a lot because he doesn't like me. No one does. I am no ones favorite. I thought I was my Dad's favorite because we were so close and he is my idol but people change, I am not an example or a favorite for him now. I felt the change and I was kind of hurt. I am my Mom's enemy ever since. Everyone knows that. We fight a lot. She scolded me a lot. She had pinch me, in every part of my body, many times already. Sometimes in front of a family or other people. Because of all this, I felt embarrassed all my life and I hate it because I became insecure, coward, and I feared a lot of things.
Now that I am a grown up, my neediness grew stronger. I am still craving for attention. I still need to be understand by my family. I am still an enemy for my siblings. They hate me. I felt left out most of the time. Whatever good things I do for them is just a waste. I thought Mommy and I are in good terms already since I lived in Manila, we talked and texted a lot when I'm in college, but after I graduated and lived here again my childhood came back. I still felt not liked by her and I felt I am her enemy again. Until now, I still need a family conversation. I want them to ask me how I am doing because I am not okay. I am not doing good. I am sad. Whenever I tried talking to them, they will just get annoyed because I talk a lot loudly. Especially my siblings, they hate me talking a lot.
I thought I over came this neediness when Dennis came in to my life. He become my best friend and my confidante. He spoils me a lot in so many ways. He listens a lot and he talks when I needed words. He gives me everything my family didn't gave me. But I'm still wrong with all this 'overcoming the neediness' because I don't think I needed everyone's love and care anymore. I realized I needed myself because I lost 'me' in these phase of making everyone like me. Sad but it's true. I lost the optimistic me. I got so depressed.
Currently, I am still battling with my own demons. I am still battling with my messed up/angry/sad/ mind. I am still in the process of loving myself and overcoming all these quacking fears, this life. I hope It'll come to the point where my family, especially Dennis will notice that I learned to love myself like or more than how they love me. No more overthinking. No more neediness. ME IS ENOUGH. Hopefully.
