bad and tina’s conversation today starting about what it truly means to be ‘okay’, and the importance of perspective. how people who are hurt one way can be okay another, or visa verca, how there are different kinds of ‘okay’, how those who are being asked if they’re okay can not know themselves that they’re not okay, because their sense of self or reality or perception of such can be warped. forever with the reality pills, for example.
bad, in that way that he does, feeling out if he can answer something honestly. asking roundabout questions and dodging those that he gets in return, until dropping the truth in a way that’s earth shattering, before pretending it’s a joke. only it isn’t a joke, it’s really a cry for help, he just can’t ever be straightforward about anything. not with himself, especially not with others.
he tells tina, finally, about what he’s been doing to himself. maybe because she wasn’t pressing to see if he’s okay, but pressing instead to see if he trusted her. and he’s been all about giving pieces of info to islanders lately to see if they’ve been trustworthy. this way he gets to ignore the fact that he’s not okay, gets to drop a truth bomb that is almost a cry for help, and trap tina with a secret so locked up it will definitely expose her as a traitor should it get out. outlandish enough he can pretend it’s a joke or lie to everyone else should push come to shove, because he’s ‘okay’ - of course he’s okay, why wouldn’t he be, it’s the eggs that aren’t okay.
but that’s the thing - being ‘okay’ is about perspective, and his has been terribly warped. he’s been color blind for weeks, he hardly looks at himself in the mirror, his sense of reality has been twisted due to sleep deprivation and grief.
their conversation ends with him, for the first time, acknowledging the fact that he is changing. finally taking tina literally, shocked that he’s physically turning blue. a shift in perspective. an admission, a self realization, however small, that he’s not as ‘okay’ as he thinks he is. he’s not okay at all.
