I hate that in all of this, it's still not 100% clear whether Mike has figured out he's Will's "crush." I see some people believe Mike has figured it out, and some say he hasn't. I think he'll probably figure it out off-screen between one Jane hallucination and another. But it's open to interpretation.
I also hate that the lie about the painting was never revealed on-screen. It's a BIG lie, not a small one. Will didn't lie because of a roll of the dice, and now the Suffers are telling me Will keeps it a secret for life? Oh, no... That was probably revealed off-screen, too! And then they got together and adopted a little girl named Tammy.
Candlelight burns steady, unflickering in its existence as Dinthoqaf sits at his desk, writing out a sum of scrolls and messages meant to be sent to those connected to The Sanctum but not attached via the Sanguine. There were so many people to reach out to to see how things were progressing routinely, or rather, weren’t progressing in various regions of the world, and to make sure the efforts of The Sanctum were kept out of the public eye. The signal from the Mages Tower was going to be problematic but it wasn’t anything he wasn’t prepared for and all in all, The Nameless and those within the Sanguine did their jobs finer than he could have hoped. Now it was the time of The Nameless to do what they did best, take on an unassuming role.
Hearthglen was to be seeded and repopulated, filled by those who were his faithful, those who sacrificed themselves to make this vision a possibility, this was a calculated risk and plans were already in place as a bunch of remnant scourge and rot-infused gnoll corpses were amassed and put into burning piles outside of the gates of Hearthglen with the soldiers killed buried at the bottom of the pits to keep wandering eyes from doing much digging. His forces, no, the survivors would claim it was a rogue band of Scourge-infested Gnolls that dug their way through the mountainside and were caught off guard, resulting in casualties and a singular mage who’d grown panicked that set off the alarm spell. That mage had been dealt with and summarily executed militarily for leading the panic that caused even more deaths and distress.
No loose ties.
Dinthoqaf stops and squeezes at the bridge of his nose, humming as the hours are late. Zalilirah and the kids had already gone to bed and the majority of the other caretakers were now gone or sleeping. These were the hours Din got most of his tedious work done, when the rest of the world slept, he had strings to pull. Mundane affairs that so many overlooked and ignored due to the lack of excitement they provided. Come the morrow, other affairs would need to be attended to. Skormosh’s wounds, if he hadn’t had them attended to yet, Larkspur's new body needed to be tended to as well and prepped for the ritualistic exchange and a myriad of other tasks in checking the health and mental status of people who remained and survived the assault. The push had caused some to leave the fold as well, not a genuine surprise as Din knew some paid more heed to the coin or attachments until they realized the weight of his vision was too much to bear and could not stand to support it.
Chaff from the Wheat, my dear Defiler.
Dinthoqaf told himse–... He stopped, freezing. A thought that he would have, yes, but… this wasn’t his and his blood ran cold. No. No. He was tired, a mental trick of the exhaustion in leading so many via the Sanguine and continuing despite the fact rest was always required when working in such a way.
It’s a beautiful thing you know, reunions, and ours has been such a long time in the coming.
His vision swam and where there was once light cast upon the walls dark tendrils of shadow moved where they should have held no purchase. The corners of his vision moved and he could feel his heart begin to pound and beat, his quill drop and fall with the echo of a tree in the forest. His senses flared and his palms began to sweat as breathing became near impossible.
“I killed you. I ripped you out and that god damned goblin and his crew killed you. I left you buried.”
Yes, you did… but your Father on the other hand…
The revelation hit him like a well-timed punch in the gut. How did he miss it? How did he overlook it?
Now you realize it, don’t you? How quiet I have sat, watching you and waiting, growing with you and the deliciousness of the blood you took into your veins. Oh, my sweet Defiler, you and I are so far from done with one another.
A wet squelching noise occurs as something starts to move beneath the surface of his flesh and this was not of his will, but of its own. The sensation started at his heart, in his chest and started to move to his limbs and up into his neck and even crawling around in his mind and skull. His head shot back and his mouth opened to scream as his nerves light with pain. No sound comes, no air moves, and his muscles flex and contract, doing everything they can to release some sign of the torment he had. The Sanguine; unable to be used entirely but keeps him connected.
His mouth opens wider and the stranglehold on his throat yet refuses to leave even when the corners of his mouth begin to split, causing tendons to shred, and flesh to become ribbons as a clear divide comes to run back towards the hinges of his jaw at each side.
You thought your success was yours and yours alone? My dear boy, you and I are connected now and forever…
Finally, a scream erupted from within. Dinthoqaf springs upward, hands gripping madly at himself. Birds outside chirped, it was late today and Zalilirah must have been off with the kids or doing something else. His breathing aches, his throat hurts, and a hand comes to run up his face… sticky.
His movements turn sluggish as he pulls the hand away to inspect it for sweat. It wasn’t. No, blood was the reasoning and his hands came back, both of them to find tidy, neat lines that ran from the corners of his mouth back backward along his cheeks. There wasn’t going to be any hiding this, not for long anyway, especially from Zalilirah or from the ever-prodding Varethuun. Word was going to get out quickly that he was changing, but first thing first.
A disciple comes into the room, head ducked low as if called.
“Burn the bedding and mattress. Replace it all, now.” Dinthoqaf spoke, standing up from the bed with blood that ran down the entirety of his nude front. “Prepare a bath.”
“I-We, have work to do.”
Somewhere in the back of his mind he could feel it, hear it. A peal of laughter that had once been long gone and buried had returned to him once again, merging with him in every way now in a far better creation than his last mangled form had allowed for it to be.
Maybe… maybe it was time for a change. Maybe The Defiler was growing into something… more.
distortion world from pokémon platinum plays in the background through the video. the video is fuzzy and unclear, like it was filmed in someone’s pocket. legion is breathing heavily and whispers ‘shit’ before running. he whispers ‘fuck’ while still running. after twenty seconds, he takes a brief pause before running more aggressively. he continues to run for another thirty-ish seconds, briefly stopping to hyperventilate. he stops running, then whispers “where is it?” three times. the bell in the background music chimes, and a loud roar is heard. legion chokes and takes a step back, and the creature roars again. legion is heard saying “no, no, no, no…” as the creature roars, and the video ends with him running again.
end of video ID.]
% assets utilised (with links)
% distortion world pokémon platinum music extended hd
% giratina’s cry: slowed
% voice acting and running foley made by meee
% also PLEASE let me know if any edits should be made to the video id and i will fix it asap!!
Nathalie massages her temples. She's not quite sure how her idea of a small intimate simple wedding has spiralled into staring at shades that if she could ever have seen the different between she can't now.
Or she can. Given she's marrying Gabriel Agreste. It's not like she can claim she didn't know he was a perfectionist when she signed up for this, and he's certainly developed a taste for dressing her up she's trying to funnel to more productive avenues.
She gives up the fight to keep her head upright and slumps down against the cool table. Her eyelids threaten to follow suit. Even healed the taste for napping she'd acquired while she was rather more unwell hasn't left.
"Mom," a childish voice makes her blink in confusion, "are you OK?"
Nathalie bends her head round her shoulder to find, not a hallucination, but a certain boy of hers that she's more used to hearing sound like a young man these days.
"Adrien?" She queries, then it hits her, that it's not only her own worst period he's remembering but his mother's too. "I'm alright. Just tired from the wedding planning."
"You can't let Father work you that hard when you're not even working," there's a mulishness quite akin to said father in his as he says it.
It makes her smile.
"I know how to deal with him these days."
Silence falls between them. Nathalie isn't sure whether to say anything or not. The idea of leaving this to Gabriel is tempting but in that way when something is easy but not right.
Digging the pad of her thumb into the hard stone representing their hope for a better future to centre herself she can't meet his eyes as she says, "when you came in you called me,"
"Mom."
She looks up at everything jagged edge they're been navigating lies in front of her and tries to find the right path.
"I know I'm marrying your father. But I also now that you have a mother, and I'm not trying to replace her. And that you're a teenager now, not a young child. And that you and I have a past that's-"
"Not worse than mine with my father."
"True. But what I meant. If that was deliberate, then, I don't want you to feel obliged. I know who I am to you."
Adrien frowns, "and if I wanted to?"
A void inside her should be filled by the suggestion but instead it just feels tight, "then you can. If you wanted to."
"You wouldn't mind?"
"It'd take some getting used to but, no I wouldn't mind. I'd be honoured."
"It is?" Adrien's hand goes to the back of his neck, "would it be OK if I tried it out and saw how I felt about it? Or used it sometimes? Calling you Nathalie still feels weird now you're not working for us, but anything else seems weird too."
"It's an adjustment for all of us. That seems fair to me."
Adrien smiles, "at least stepmom is easier to say than 'my father's assistant.' Less weird looks when I say you're my emergency contact."
For those of us who feel disappointed with the mid-season finale:
I know the ending felt a little rushed, but don't worry, we all know that important scenes happen off-screen in Supergirl. For example, Kelly finding out Kara's true identity a few weeks back, or this week, the intense 'welcome home' sex between Kara and Lena.
So rest assured, Kara and Lena are looking for a quiet spot in the watchtower as the credits role.
Warnings for this chapter: one scene with underage drinking, one panic attack, some talk of sex
It’s weird: for as much as things have changed after their first concert, they also stayed the same. Michael doesn’t come to school with them anymore, having permission from his parents to drop out so it’s only Calum and Luke against the rest of the world of academics, but his house is still the main headquarters for the band. They see him less because of it, but it doesn’t always feel like that, since they’re over almost every day and it’s not like they were allowed to talk much in school anyway.
Sometimes when Luke and Calum show up to Michael’s house Ashton is already there, hanging out with Michael before or after a shift. They see less of him, too. Working full time means his schedule is packed, and he’s been spending more time helping out at home.
Luke thinks he also might be trying to spend as much time with his family as possible. He’s supposed to start getting acceptance letters soon, and after that the reality of him moving to America is going to come crashing down around them. Luke has been trying to prepare himself for it, and in a way Ashton not being there consistently helps. He’s already getting used to texting him more than talking to him, the faint echoes of longing starting to invade his heart. It’s like when you can smell a storm in the air: it’s not here yet, but when it comes you know it’ll be big, so you start battering the hatches early.
Luke is pleasantly surprised when he and Calum tumble into Michael’s house to find Ashton already lounging on the couch of the granny flat. He sits up when he sees them, but the glimpse that Luke gets of him laid back with one arm extended over his head, the line of his body curved and long makes Luke think of one of those classical paintings. Maybe Ashton’s art enthusiasm is rubbing off on him.
“Hey,” Ashton grins. “How was school?”
“It was fine, Dad,” Calum says, throwing down his bookbag and flopping on the sofa next to him. Luke puts his backpack in front of the armchair and curls up.
“How was work?” he asks, then frowns. “Or are you going in later?”
“I’m off today,” Ashton says. “It’ll be just like old times, before you guys were major stars in the Sydney area.”
“We’re still not stars yet,” Luke says, face heating at the compliment like it always does. He’s not an overly bashful person, at least he doesn’t think he is, but Ashton talking about the band always makes him burn pleasantly. He’s stopped trying to fight it at this point. “We’ve barely done anything since the Annandale.”
“Well, we’ve had a few things here and there,” Calum says. Ashton smiles, pressing his lips together to contain it.
“Michael has some news.”
Michael chooses that moment to enter with a bowl of chips, shooting Ashton a dirty look.
“Thanks for ruining the surprise,” he says, placing the bowl on the table. Luke immediately reaches for it. He’s always hungry these days, but he’s still string-bean skinny with no real muscles to be found. His mum keeps making comments about him being a growing boy, but that just makes him feel gangly and young.
“I didn’t tell them what the surprise is!” Ashton protests. Michael tries to cuff him over the head, but Ashton trips him. Luke snickers as Michael stumbles, then flips off the room.
“Shut up. I could tell everyone your surprise, too,” he says. Ashton makes an affronted noise.
“What surprise?” Calum asks, chomping on chips and looking between them. Luke joins him while Ashton and Michael stare each other down, wondering who will be the first to break. Ashton blinks first, sighing and looking away, then facing Luke and Calum.
“I…” he begins dramatically. Luke finds himself leaning forward, holding his breath until Ashton starts smiling again. “I got my first acceptance letter today!”
“Holy shit!” Luke yells, flinging himself at Ashton before he can think twice. He knew that Ashton would get in, because any university would be stupid to reject him, but it’s still exciting to get that confirmation that Ashton’s dreams are coming true. Ashton laughs and catches Luke easily, but Calum joins in the hug and Michael is never one to be left out of a cuddle and soon he’s complaining about all of them squishing him even while they’re cheering and giving him congratulations.
“Where is it?” Luke asks once they finally get off him.
“It’s in New York City,” Ashton says. “It’d be really expensive to live there, though, and they don’t have as much financial aid for international students as some of the other schools I applied for, so I’m not sure it’d be feasible to go.”
“It’s still an option,” Luke says. “This is great, Ash.”
“Yeah,” Calum says, hitting him in the arm. “You’re an official college person now.”
“An international one,” Michael says. “That’s even cooler.”
“Not as cool as your guys’ news, though,” Ashton says.
“Yeah, what was our surprise?” Calum asks. Michael clears his throat and hops up to stand on the couch cushions. Luke can’t imagine receiving any more exciting news right now, still buzzing with excess happiness for Ashton.
“We’re going to record an EP!”
The room explodes. Luke knew that they all have a good set of lungs on them, but he’s not sure he’s ever experienced yelling like that from just the four of them, an intense cacophony of excited gibberish and flying questions. Michael cackles, adding to the noise without answering any of the questions until they pull him down and pin him on the carpet.
“When?” Calum asks.
“Mid-April,” Michael says.
“Where?”
“Studio31. They’re excited to work with us.”
“Holy shit,” Luke says for the second time in ten minutes. “We’re going to have an actual EP. Like, good recordings of our music for people to buy. We’re going to be official-official.”
“We’re already official-official,” Michael grouses. “We have like, management and shit.”
Luke tilts his head, because he’s technically right. There have been experienced adults taking notice of them and striking deals, but Luke keeps feeling like they’re going to suddenly realize that none of them have any clue what they’re doing and drop the band. Maybe having an actual recording attributed to them besides the (kind of shitty) YouTube videos will make him stop feeling like a little kid playing dress up as a rockstar and start feeling more like an actual, professional musician.
“What are we going to record?” Calum asks, finally releasing Michael from his place on the floor. Michael shrugs without bothering to sit up.
“I don’t know,” he says. “We’ll figure it out later, I guess. We could do some covers and some originals. Maybe we’ll write something new. Either way, it’ll be sick.”
“Fuck yeah, it will!” Calum says. He and Michael start cheering again and Luke turns to Ashton, smiling as he watches them.
“I’ll be first in line to buy it,” he tells him. Luke’s heart swells and he pulls him into a hug again.
Their journey has already started, but each step forward makes him just as antsy as posting that first YouTube video did. He’s ready to hit the ground running. He’s ready to cheer on Ashton with his own dreams.
He’s not sure he’s ready to do it when they’re halfway around the world from each other.
-/-
They all get sick during the recording process.
Before that, working on their EP is great. Luke and Calum actually get to write a bit with a songwriter named Adrian, who doesn’t mind that they’re not used to collaborating with other people and using the most technical terms. They get a decent song out of it, and they decide to record “Gotta Get Out” and then do two covers for this first EP. It’s going to be all acoustic, but they still have to hire a session drummer. They actually try to get Ashton’s drummer friend to do it, but he’s in his own band now so management finds someone for them instead. It’s weird, because he’s like thirty and they’re all in the middle of puberty, but all he really has to do is play the cajon and he doesn’t talk down to them or anything, so it’s fine.
They have a groupchat with Ashton where they update him on the recording process and he updates them on his college admissions, since practicing for the recording and time at the studio are eating up all of the time they typically would get to hanging out.
Ashton doesn’t get into the school he really liked in Chicago, but he gets into one in Boulder, Colorado, San Francisco, California, New Orleans, Louisiana, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Salt Lake City, Utah. Luke Googles the location of each city, trying to get a visual of where Ashton might be. He hopes they get famous enough to tour in America some day. He wonders if he’d get any say in what cities they stop in, because it wouldn’t feel right to play an entire tour without Ashton in the crowd of at least one show.
Of course, all of this depends on if they get famous enough to tour in general. Luke’s counting on it, though. Maybe it’s Michael and Ashton’s confidence rubbing off on him, but they’ve been networking and gathering fans and they have management and an EP on the way. All three of them have thrown themselves into this fully (enough so that his mum has been pestering him more about his slipping grades), and he knows they can make it work. If AC/DC can get out of Australia, so can they.
Maybe not with all three of them sounding sick though, complete with stuffy noses and sore throats. Luke watches Calum record his vocals and winces every time Calum grimaces. He takes sips of tea or water after every take, and Luke is trying to nurse his own beverage so he’ll be prepared when it’s his turn, but he’s getting really sick of the taste.
Michael is sick, too, but he’s already been through the worst of it. He’s the one who got the rest of them sick, because he got it from his girlfriend, and Luke and Calum have both complained at him extensively. He handles being sick worse than the rest of them, anyway, so Luke is glad that he’s already partially over it so they can fully enjoy the process.
“Hey,” Michael says, appearing at his side. He’s been glued to the soundboard for most of it, trying to learn from the producers and getting distracted watching Calum instead, and Luke startles a little at his sudden appearance. He holds something out to him and at first Luke is worried it’s more tea, but it’s actually his phone.
“It keeps going off,” Michael says.
“Ashton?” Luke asks. Michael waggles his eyebrows, backing up to his spot on the soundboard, and when Luke looks at his screen he sees not Ashton’s name, but Sara’s. His heart does something in his chest. It’s not quite a somersault, but it’s something.
They’ve been talking a lot more at school these days, and she’s really, really pretty. She plays piano and watches their videos and Luke really likes how easy it is to talk to her.
She’s asking about their recording process and Luke smiles, typing out a response. When he glances up, Michael is watching him and waggles his eyebrows again. Luke’s phone vibrates in his hand and he turns his attention back to Sara until he’s called in for his own time in the booth.
-/-
Luke and Sara meet at the movie theater for their first date, because the last thing Luke wants is to expose her to his family this early by having his mum drive them. They’re going to watch some chick flick that she said she wanted to see, then eat at the nearby Panera afterwards. He’s a little nervous, but mostly excited, and his excitement only grows when a car pulls up and he sees her get out.
“You look great,” he says when she gets close enough. He really means it, too. Her brown hair is gently curled and she’s in a cute red dress with a denim jacket. She smiles at him, gloss on her lips.
“Thanks, so do you,” she says. He’s only wearing a button-up and his skinny jeans, but he’s glad that she thinks so.
He holds the door open for her, scent of buttery popcorn and chatter from the crowd drifting out to meet them, and they agree to split the cost of the tickets but have Luke pay for the concessions. They negotiate what to get while waiting in line, and once Luke gets to the front he has their order on the tip of his tongue.
“Luke! What’s up? What can I get you?” Ashton asks. Luke blinks at him, startled at the sight of Ashton in his polo shirt behind the counter. He had somehow forgotten that he works here despite that being common knowledge.
“Hey Ash! We’ll have…” he trails off, completely forgetting everything that he and Sara had just talked about.
“Two drinks, a medium popcorn, and a pack of M&Ms,” Sara says after a pause. Luke smiles gratefully at her.
“Who’s this?” Ashton asks, glancing between them as he rings up their order.
“Oh!” Luke says. “This is Sara, my date. Sara, this is my friend Ashton.”
“Oh, your date,” Ashton says, taking Luke’s money and punching in whatever he needs to open up the till. “I didn’t know you were dating anyone.”
Luke frowns. He talks to Ashton every day. Even though this development with Sara is new, he had to at least have mentioned her before. Michael and Calum keep poking fun at him for dropping her name in conversations, so it doesn’t make sense that he forgot to tell Ashton about her, but Ashton’s serious, not saying it sarcastically or jokingly.
“It’s our first date,” Luke says. Ashton hums, then goes about getting their concessions ready. When he hands them all off, he’s frowning, and Luke’s not sure what he did wrong.
“Does this mean you won’t be at Michael’s tonight?” Ashton asks.
“No, not tonight,” he says. Ashton presses his lips together grimly. “Why?”
“I made my college decision. I was going to tell you guys tonight.”
“Oh,” Luke says. “Where?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Ashton says.
“No, I want to know,” Luke replies.
“I’ll text you,” Ashton says. “Enjoy your date.”
He turns to the next customer, effectively ending the conversation, and Luke steps out of the way. Sara nudges him, tilting her head towards the theater, and they set off to find their seats before the previews begin.
Luke barely pays attention to the movie. He’s thrown off by that interaction with Ashton, and by the time the lights dim he’s playing it back in his head, wondering why it leaves such a rancid taste in his mouth. It doesn’t take long for Sara to pull him out of it, though, leaning over to comment on the movie, breath warm by his ear. She’s wearing some sort of sweet-smelling perfume, and he’s not smooth enough to do the yawn-stretch-arm-over-her-shoulder move, but she doesn’t seem to mind that he doesn’t try to hide when he puts an arm around her. She leans her head on his shoulder partway through and they spend a lot of time whispering to each other rather than watching, munching on their popcorn and giggling, faces pressed close.
On the way out the door of the movie theater Luke tries to catch Ashton’s eye, but he’s busy with some customers and doesn’t see him.
The rest of the date goes just as well as the movie did. By the time Luke kisses Sara on the cheek before their mums pick them up, he’s forgotten all about Ashton’s college choice. He doesn’t get a text from him that night, and he falls asleep thinking about Sara’s soft brown hair and the way she scrunches her nose when she laughs.
-/-
Between Ashton’s work, Luke’s school, home study times mandated by his mom, and increased time hanging out with Sara, Luke doesn’t see Ashton in person for a while. He feels off, like he keeps reaching up to adjust his glasses only to discover he’s not even wearing them, and it’s not until Michael mentions a recent conversation with Ashton that Luke realizes how long it’s been since he’s seen him. Even their text conversations have been short, both too busy to sit down and properly chat, and he panics when he considers that things could be like this permanently when Ashton goes to college.
He invites him over on the weekend, relieved that Ashton isn’t working the entire time and is willing to spend his day off with just Luke, no Calum or Michael in sight. He wants some one-on-one time while he can still get it in. Ashton appears with a bright grin that Luke automatically returns. It’s nearly impossible to resist smiling if Ashton is being chirpy nearby, like an automatic mood boost just from proximity. Luke hopes seeing his face over Skype won’t change that.
“Hey, come in,” he says, stepping aside to allow Ashton entrance into his house. Molly immediately greets him by enthusiastically sniffing his feet, and Ashton leans down to give her a few pets. He’s got his usual knapsack on, contents shifting when he bends down, and once both he and Molly are satisfied with their greeting, Luke leads him further into the house.
“Hi, Ashton!” his mum calls from the kitchen. “How are you, darling?”
“Pretty good, Mrs. Hemmings,” Ashton says.
“Just Liz is fine, dear. I’m not your teacher anymore.”
Ashton laughs, but Luke knows that he still feels weird addressing her by first name when he spent so long being formal at school. Figuring out that his mum used to be Ashton’s teacher was a strange moment, but Luke kind of likes it. He likes that their lives are interconnected in that way, and Ashton said she was a nice teacher and he enjoyed her well enough, even if he spent more time doodling on his homework than actually writing out equations.
Luke’s mum tries to ask more about college, but Luke tells her that she’ll have time to do that at dinner and practically drags Ashton up to his room first.
“You’re eager to get me alone,” Ashton says. Luke’s cheeks burn, mind flying to a bunch of ways that sentence could be taken and hoping that Ashton doesn’t mean any of them.
Not that he’d necessarily be opposed if, like, Ashton was actually interested, because Ashton is awesome and cute and wonderful, but he’d be more likely to be making fun of him instead, and the thought of him somehow figuring that out and using it against Luke makes his throat close up. Besides, Luke has a girlfriend now. He’d hate to turn him down and make things weird.
“I haven’t seen you in forever. You can tell Mum all about Salt Lake City later, but you’re supposed to be hanging out with me now,” he says.
“Fair enough,” Ashton says. He shrugs off his knapsack, letting it thunk on the floor, and flops down on Luke’s bed, grabbing a pencil off the bedside table to twirl between his fingers. He’s always keeping his hands busy, fingers tapping staccato rhythms or fidgeting with nearby objects, full of the same restless energy that Michael nearly always has and that Luke gets before he plays a song. Luke watches him pass the pencil back and forth for a moment before he snaps out of it and flops down next to him.
“What do you want to do?” Luke asks. Ashton hums. Luke glances at him to find him staring at the ceiling. Luke has a few plastic glow in the dark stars stuck up there, leftover from when Ben helped him decorate because he was moving out and Luke got his old room. They’re kind of childish now, but Ashton doesn’t seem to mind.
“Tell me about Sara,” Ashton requests, eyes still tracing the hastily thrown together constellations. “I’ve heard some from Michael and Calum, but otherwise I only know what she looks like.”
“Oh, Sara’s great,” Luke says. He launches into a story from one of their recent times hanging out, when he made her laugh so hard she almost spit juice out her nose, and Ashton’s lips tick upward in a smile. That reminds him of another story, and eventually Ashton gets bored of the ceiling and turns to face him, peppering in questions and huffing a laugh here and there. Luke loves talking to Ashton because no one listens quite as well as him, and when Luke runs out of things to say Ashton always knows whether he should switch topics or allow the silence to exist.
“It sounds like she makes you really happy,” Ashton says. “That’s good.” Luke ducks his head.
“Yeah, she does. I really like her,” he says. “Have you ever had a girlfriend?”
“Nope.”
Luke frowns.
“Why not? You had to have had people ask. You’re like… well, you’re you.”
Ashton laughs.
“Thanks, Luke. And yeah, a few girls here or there have asked, but I’ve never really been interested. I have plenty to focus on without throwing a girlfriend in there.”
Luke considers that for a moment. He doesn’t get it, but Ashton doesn’t seem bothered, and it’s his life. If he wants to deflect the scores of women that must be vying for his attention, that’s his choice.
“Come on,” Ashton says, sitting up and patting Luke’s stomach. “I have something I want to show you. You know how you guys are going on tour?”
“Yeah,” Luke says, pushing himself up as well. They’re going to be playing a few shows around Australia, traveling out to Melbourne and Brisbane for it. It’s exciting, especially since they’ve been doing a lot of unofficial busking gigs to get some exposure recently rather than playing venues.
Ashton reaches into his knapsack, pulling out a sketchbook. He got a new one recently and it’s already almost half full.
“Well,” he says, leafing through it. Luke’s heartbeat quickens at the prospect of finally getting to see what’s inside. “I figured that you guys could use a poster, or at least a little design to stick on your social media accounts. You don’t have to use it if you don’t want to, but I threw something together.”
He finally finds the right page with a little noise of triumph, flipping it around to show Luke. It’s divided into two halves: on the left is what Luke assumes is a logo, and on the right a poster. He reaches out for the book and Ashton hands it over easily, waiting patiently while he takes in the designs.
The logo is fairly simple, easy to read but still distinctive. There are five tally marks standing in bold, and Luke can see faint pencil lines where Ashton had erased and tried again, meticulous in his work. The tallies are followed by a simple SOS, long curves stretching the words out.
Luke loves it. Somehow Ashton has managed to capture the essence of the band in just a few lines and a black colored pencil.
The poster is more intricate. The band name is clearly displayed, along with Mini Australian Tour, but what takes his breath away is the sketch underneath, where three cartoon boys are rocking out. The lines are sharp and stylized, bold markers adding some color, and Michael is mid-jump, Calum leaned back, and Luke singing right into a microphone. The crowd is just silhouettes of heads, but Ashton made it look like they’re pressing to get closer. There are music notes, little lighting bolts, and action lines, creating an exciting cacophony on the page.
“Holy shit,” Luke breathes once he finds use of his voice again. “This is amazing.”
He traces a finger over the little cartoon Luke, standing confidently in the center and singing his heart out.
“You like it?”
“I love it,” Luke says. “Holy shit, mate! Have you shown this to Calum and Michael yet?”
“Not yet,” Ashton says. When Luke tears his eyes away from the page enough to glance up at him, his ears are tinged pink. “I wanted you to see it first. I figured you’d be my easiest critic.”
“Only because you’re amazing,” Luke says. “I’d tell you if you sucked, but you don’t so we don’t have to worry about that. There’s nothing to critique.”
“Sure,” Ashton says, rolling his eyes. “Tell that to my art teachers.”
“Ashton, you’re going to American to study art. They want you so bad they gave you a full scholarship.”
Ashton shrugs and picks at a loose thread in Luke’s bedspread. “There’s always room for improvement.”
“Well, I think you’re perfect,” Luke says.
Ashton gives him a wry smile.
“That sounds like something only someone who doesn’t know anything about art would say.”
“Shut up,” Luke says, jostling him. “I know plenty about art.”
“Name one artist, then.”
“Van Gogh.”
“Name another.”
Every artist that Luke has ever heard of flies out of his mind. He blinks dumbly at Ashton, then smiles.
“You.”
Ashton ducks his head and laughs. Luke feels warmth flare up in his gut, the kind that only erupts from bringing Ashton Irwin joy.
“You’re a tricky one, Hemmings, but I’ll give it to you this time.”
“Good,” Luke says. “I’m always right.”
Ashton snorts, but before he can respond Liz calls them to dinner. They race to the table, which means that they get there before Jack and have to set it, but Luke doesn’t mind as much when Ashton is standing with his arms out, waiting to take plates and forks from him. The meal smells good, Ashton’s smile is wide, and once they sit down Luke’s chest aches a little.
Liz asks Ashton about going to college in America. He tells her that he’ll move there in three months, but Luke knows that it’s actually three months and four days. Luke also knows that Salt Lake City is 12,895 kilometers away from Sydney, which feels like a very, very long way away.
“Luke, pass the broccoli,” Jack says, snapping him out of his thoughts. Ashton gets there first, reaching over Luke to pass the dish. Liz keeps asking questions, and Ashton answers smoothly and banters with Andrew and elbows Luke in the side when he thinks he’s being too quiet. He fits in here. Even though having Ashton over for dinner is much rarer than seeing him at Michael’s, Luke wonders if meals will taste different when he’s on another continent.
-/-
The tour is a success, thank goodness. It’s exhilarating to branch out beyond New South Wales, playing shows across the country instead of only in their little corner of the world. They only play three shows, and they still only have a few original songs so the short set is at least half covers, but it feels good. Luke feels comfortable onstage with their small crowds, sassing and singing and laughing with Michael and Calum. He signs a few more autographs, some on the posters that Ashton designed, and he feels on top of the world.
Sara comes to the show in Sydney. She hangs back while he talks to fans, like Ashton does but on the opposite side of the room, and thankfully she doesn’t kiss him in front of his family. She does tell him that he was amazing, arms around his neck in a hug and lips brushing his cheek.
She has the prettiest smile he’s ever seen.
The shows in Brisbane and Melbourne are exciting in a different way. The crowds are all unfamiliar, giving faces to part of the audience that has previously only been comments and likes on their YouTube videos, but they’re just as enthusiastic as their fans in the Sydney area. Luke tells himself the same thing he’s been saying since they played their first show at the Annandale: something is starting.
Returning to school is underwhelming. Luke understands why Michael dropped out. He can’t broach the subject of dropping out himself with his mum, because it would only turn into a fruitless argument, but it’s harder to sit through classes when the band is so much more interesting. The days blend together in a monotonous rhythm of school, homework, band, sleep, repeat. They announce that Unplugged is on the way, but otherwise there’s not much else to differentiate day to day.
One day that stands out begins after the sun has set. Luke is done studying for the night, notebook in front of him to try to write instead, but he doesn’t feel like he has much to say right now. It’s a listless night, too early to go to bed yet but too late to ask someone to drive him to Michael’s, but the buzz of his phone offers a tiny distraction.
Ashton: come outside
Luke flicks back the curtains. The Irwins’ car lingers on the street, headlights on.
Luke: ?
Ashton: come outside!
Whatever Ashton has planned will probably be better than sitting here staring at nothing, although Luke doesn’t know why he got Anne Marie to pick him up. Luke throws on a jacket and steps out, pulling the door closed behind him. It’s getting chilly out, but it’s not too bad tonight at least, and when the window rolls down to reveal Ashton in the driver seat alone the weather is the last thing on his mind.
“Want a lift?” Ashton grins. “We can pick up the others. I’m thinking ice cream.”
“You did it!” Luke laughs. “Holy shit, this is so cool! You can drive?”
“Yep,” Ashton says. “Got my Ps today. You get the front seat.”
Luke ducks back inside long enough to tell his mum that Ashton is kidnapping him and to grab his wallet, then he flings himself into the front seat. Ashton waits for him to buckle his seatbelt before they start towards Calum’s house.
Ashton’s a great driver. He’s not overly cautious nor overly reckless, and he lets Luke fiddle with the radio as they go. Luke doesn’t find a song he likes, but the classic rock that ends up leaking from the speakers feels fitting with the image of Ashton relaxed against his seat, one hand on the wheel and eyes forward. Luke thinks he looks like the teenager version of one of those models in car commercials, hired specifically to look pretty in the driver’s seat and make consumers want to be them.
Calum is home, thankfully, and he claps Ashton on the shoulder enthusiastically as he slides into the seat behind him. Michael pretends to be mad that he’s the last one to get picked up, but it’s to disguise how impressed he really is. It’s a bad facade, since he spends the rest of the drive leaning forward and asking Ashton a slew of questions about getting his license.
Ashton takes them to a tiny ice cream place on the outskirts of town, OPEN sign flickering ominously but illuminated nonetheless. They’re the only people there after sundown in winter, but there are at least 20 flavors and they all get a different one and agree to share. It’s the best ice cream Luke has had since he was a kid getting a treat with his family after a long day at the beach.
“Are you going to drive us around now?” Michael asks, chocolate fudge staining the corner of his mouth. Ashton shrugs.
“When I can, yeah. It depends on when Mum needs the car since we only have one.”
“Why’d you get your Ps if you’re just going to America in a few months anyway?” Calum asks. Luke steals a bite of his peanut-butter ice cream. Ashton shrugs again.
“It’ll be easier to get a license there if I already know how to drive here,” he says. “Besides, I like not having to ask Mum to drive me places. It’s so lame.” He stabs at his ice cream, a cherry flavor that no one else had really liked. Luke wonders if he planned it that way so he could keep most of the ice cream for himself.
“If Calum and I want to ditch school, would you pick us up?” he asks.
“If I’m not working, sure. Only you two, though. No friends.”
“Yeah, Luke,” Michael says. “No skipping to make out with Sara.”
“I don’t do that,” he protests, cheeks burning. “Her parents would kill us. They’re really strict about school. Besides, Sara’s not like that. She’s, like, a good girl, or something.”
“Good girls are just bad girls who haven’t been caught yet,” Michael grins. Luke flicks some of his melted ice cream at him, then checks over his shoulder to be sure that the one bored employee in the shop hadn’t seen.
“You could make a song out of that,” Ashton says.
“No you can’t,” Luke says, flicking ice cream at him, too. Ashton gives him an affronted look.
“I’ll keep it in mind,” Michael says right before Ashton smears some of his ice cream across Luke’s face. It makes him yelp embarrassingly loud, and Calum kicks him under the table and sends a pointed look to the employee at the counter. It doesn’t stop Luke from flicking more melted ice cream at Ashton, which escalates into a full-table war while Calum tries to guard what’s left of his ice cream, which results in all of the getting thrown out of the shop. Luke is laughing so hard that his stomach is starting to hurt, especially when Ashton tries to swipe a finger through some of the cherry ice cream left on his cheek to eat it.
Luke has countless good nights to remember, every concert and milestone with the band making that list, but Luke is sure that this night isn’t one he’s going to forget any time soon, either.
-/-
Unplugged comes out on June 26th. The band and Ashton gather at Michael’s house to listen to the finished product full through together. Luke is getting better at listening to recordings of himself without feeling overly self-conscious about how different his voice sounds to everyone except him, but he distracts himself anyway by watching for Ashton’s reactions.
Ashton spends the entire EP laying on his back on Michael’s floor with his hands tucked behind his head, content smile on his face. He raises his eyebrows at spots he particularly likes and Luke catches his foot tapping along sometimes. When the CD ends and he opens his eyes, the look he gives them makes Luke’s breath catch in his throat.
“I love you guys,” he says. “I’m so proud.”
“You sound like my mum,” Michael says, but he’s grinning, although he’s trying to hide it. Ashton ignores him and pulls them all into a hug.
When Ashton’s copy of the CD comes in the mail he asks them all to sign it. Luke feels silly doing that for one of his friends, but he can’t say no when Ashton says please, and the smile on Ashton’s face is worth it.
-/-
Ashton turns 18 a week before Luke’s golden birthday, so the band celebrates on a night in between, since Ashton is spending his birthday with his family for a traditional Irwin birthday dinner and Sara is taking Luke on a date for his. They get ice cream to-go because the employee remembers them from the food fight a month before, and Ashton drives them to the beach where they stand in the middle of winter and yell at the sea.
“This is the best way to begin a birthday,” Ashton says. “You send off every bad thing from the past year and throw your demands for the next one out into the world.”
Luke screams until his throat feels raw, laughing at Michael and Calum’s ridiculous wishes that Ashton says don’t actually count since neither of them are turning a year older. Ashton tells the ocean that he wants to be happy in America and Luke hopes that it hears.
Luke doesn’t say it out loud, but he wishes that he could tell someone he likes boys without them loving him less. He doesn’t know who he would tell or if he’ll ever be able to scrape up the courage to actually verbalize something that has only lived in his mind for so long, but he thinks he wants to. It probably doesn’t matter, since he has Sara and things are going really well with them, but he’s starting to realize that having a serious relationship with a girl doesn’t make hiding that piece of himself easier. He had hoped it would, but if anything it makes it worse. He has plausible deniability, but he can’t decide if he feels like throwing up more from the thought of telling someone or the thought of keeping quiet.
He could do it here. Sometimes he feels like the words are on the tip of his tongue, then his throat closes around them, trapping them inside. He thinks that when he finally says it, he’s going to have to tear the secret out of himself. It might leave him bleeding.
He can’t do it here. He can’t even think about it too much or he’s going to start panicking.
“Hey,” Ashton says, nudging him with his elbow. “Make another wish, birthday boy. Wishes for golden birthdays are more powerful.”
Luke shakes out his thoughts. Ashton slings an arm around his shoulder and Luke leans into his side, a small brace from the wind and chill in the air.
Ashton is moving to a different continent next month. Luke doesn’t know who will be here to shelter him from the cold then. For one wild moment, he considers asking the ocean to let him live in this moment forever so he can hold on to the feeling of having Ashton physically close, Michael and Calum pushing each other and running down the sand nearby.
He shouts at the sea that he wants the band to travel the world instead, and Ashton laughs and echoes Luke’s wish. Luke doesn’t tell him that when he said the world, he really just meant Salt Lake City, Utah, United States.
-/-
A month later, Luke finds himself a little tipsy on that same beach, surrounded by Ashton’s friends ready to wave him off to a new life in America.
Luke spends the rest of July and a good portion of August steadfastly ignoring the fact that Ashton will be leaving, an uncomfortable and heavy weight settling in his lungs every time he remembers that fact. The band works more on another EP and he pretends that Ashton will be there to listen to this one in Michael’s granny flat with them. They go on another small tour around Australia and Luke tells himself that Ashton will be in the Sydney crowd for the next one, too. Luke continues going to school, doing his homework, and seeing Ashton at band practices without counting down the days until Ashton moves his entire life to the other side of the world.
(The timer continues to tick towards zero in the back of his mind, anyway. He hates that he can name exactly how much time they have left together.)
The going-away party isn’t meant to be formal or too large, but by the time Luke, Michael, and Calum arrived there had been a decent crowd of Ashton’s friends and random people who may have been drawn by the commotion, and the crowd hasn’t dwindled as it’s gone on. It’s not nearly as crowded as it would’ve been during the summer, but someone set up a bonfire and there are enough people around it that Luke has had trouble spotting Ashton long enough to fully talk to him all night. There used to be a portable speaker playing faint music under the buzz of voices, but now someone has brought out a guitar and is strumming chords instead. It’s kind of nice. Luke wishes he could enjoy it without remembering that the only reason he’s here is so Ashton can leave.
Luke has taken a seat a little ways away from the crowd, content to keep watch for Ashton. It’s not a huge deal if he doesn’t find him since they’re going to his house after with Michael and Calum, but it feels like a waste to be here without him. He’s having fun, and Michael and Calum are, too, if the way that Michael is preening in a crowd and Calum is chatting up a girl is anything to go by, but he wants Ashton. He has so little time left with him.
He looks up, trying to catch a glimpse of some stars amongst the clouds, but there aren’t any out tonight. It’s a pity. He would’ve wished for Ashton to come find him and take a break from the rest of the crowd.
“Hey,” a voice says right by his ear. As if Luke’s thoughts summoned him, Ashton flops down next to him in the sand, one hand reaching up to adjust his beanie and the other holding a bottle.
“Hi,” Luke beams. “Good night?”
“Yeah,” Ashton says, giving him a smile. He offers the bottle. “Want some?”
Luke takes a sip of the beer and hands it back. It tastes nasty, but Ashton hums appreciatively.
“What are you doing over here?” Ashton asks. “It’s a party! You’re not supposed to sit over here at a party!”
“Why are you here, then?” Luke asks.
“Looking for you,” Ashton says simply. “Plus, I’ve been talking to people all night. Now I just want to talk to you.”
Luke wraps his arms around his knees to try to keep some of his feelings inside. Ashton braces a hand behind him and tips his head back, eyes gazing at the sky. Luke hopes he’s luckier than he was in his search for a star.
“What’s one thing you’d want to do before leaving the country?” Ashton asks.
“One thing?”
“Yeah, like a bucket list. If you were leaving instead, what would you have wanted to do?”
“Lose my virginity,” Luke says. Ashton barks a laugh, loud and clear in the crisp air.
“Hey, it’s not funny,” he defends, feeling the tell-tale flush of embarrassment take over his face..
“No, I know,” Ashton says. “But I think the person probably matters more than the continent. It should be with someone you like and feel comfortable with, not just with an Australian.”
Luke hums. He and Sara have done some stuff, but nothing that really counts. They’ve kept all their clothes on, in any case. He knows that it’s probably good they’re going at the pace that they are, but Sara is really fucking pretty, and he really fucking likes her, and each time they’re really alone together they push a little further. He doesn’t want to have to stop her the next time she reaches for his pants. He doesn’t want her to tell him no the next time he’s fumbling for the clasp of her bra under her shirt. He wants to feel her skin against his, to give in to the tidal waves of emotion that overtake him when they’re together.
Even if he didn’t have a girlfriend, though, he could probably find someone to take his virginity. Sara isn’t the first person he’s had wet dreams about, not by a long shot, and you don’t have to be dating to enjoy sex with a person. It’s just fucking.
“It’d be lame to leave the country a virgin,” Luke says. “I can find someone to do it with. Like, if I didn’t have Sara, I’d totally ask you. I mean, we’re comfortable with each other and you’d probably be like, really nice about it, and you’re objectively hot.”
Of course, Ashton is a guy, which would open a whole different can of worms that Luke doesn’t know how to touch, but at least Ashton wouldn’t be a dick about it if Luke was weird and clumsy and had no clue what he was doing. In fact, Ashton would probably do a bunch of research beforehand so he could coach Luke through everything. He’d probably be super gentle, but he’s also got really big hands, and all of the art he does means he’s really precise with them. He probably knows how to use them in all sorts of amazing ways.
When he typically thinks about sex with guys, he gets nervous, moreso than thinking about sex with girls, but Ashton is different. Ashton would take care of him, and he'd probably do it in a way that has Luke’s head spinning in the best way. He’s probably an amazing kisser, too, assertive but not aggressive, maybe cradling Luke’s face or pulling him onto his lap. He can imagine all the different ways they could make out and more, but he knows that the real experience would be even better. Luke might not even last long enough for the full thing, which would mean they’d have to do it again.
“Thanks?” Ashton chokes out. “Good thing you have Sara.”
Luke blinks, letting the noise of the party invade his ears again. “Yeah,” he agrees after a moment, pulling his legs a little closer to his chest and wrapping his arms around them more securely. The night air is really cold on his face.
“Well, that doesn’t apply to me, anyway, so choose something else,” Ashton says.
“What?” Luke asks, mind still whirring to keep up. That means that Ashton has had sex before, which makes sense because he probably had scores of people lining up and he’s not lame, but he also said he’s never had a girlfriend, so with who? What sort of person did Ashton choose to take his virginity? Has he done much stuff besides that?
“Choose something else,” Ashton repeats. “If you were leaving the country, what’s one thing you’d want to do before you do?”
“Um…”
Holy shit, someone out there has gotten to see Ashton naked. Someone has had him inside them. Holy shit.
“Come on,” Ashton says. “Pick something! The first thing that comes to mind!”
“Wait, let me think.” All Luke can think about is some random person getting to kiss Ashton and undress him and--
“No thinking! First thing that comes to your mind! Go!”
“Come out to Michael and Calum!” Luke blurts.
Ashton goes still for a long moment, frozen statuesque under the stars. Then he says, very, very softly, “oh.”
Shit. Luke was never supposed to say something like that, not now. Not before he’s ready. Maybe it’s how Ashton always immediately brings his guard down, or maybe he’s had more alcohol than he thought. Either way, he suddenly feels like he’s choking.
Shit.
“I mean--” he tries to force out, gasping for air after two simple words. “That’s not-- I’m not--” Tears prick at his eyes and he scrambles to find his footing, get upright, run as far as he can, but arms are circling around his waist, keeping him pinned.
“Luke, Luke, it’s alright,” Ashton is saying, pulling Luke back against him, warm and solid beneath him. “It’s okay!”
Luke gasps in another breath, but it’s still not enough, because it’s not okay. None of this is okay. Luke doesn’t know if he’ll ever be okay again.
He tries to shake his head and break away again, but Ashton’s grip is too strong.
“It’s okay! Luke, I’m gay, too! It’s okay.”
It takes a moment for the words to get through Luke’s panic-stricken mind, but once they do everything halts again.
“I’m gay, too,” Ashton repeats, softer. He tentatively adjusts his grip on Luke, like he’s worried he’s going to try to run off again. Luke stays frozen for a long moment, trying to comprehend those three words.
“Even if I wasn’t, I would never judge you for something like that,” Ashton says, voice soft and even. “It doesn’t matter if you like boys or girls, okay? It doesn’t matter. You’re still you, and you’re amazing and my best friend and I’ll love you no matter what.”
Luke clears his throat, loud and abrasive in the middle of their quiet moment. It feels like the rest of the party and bonfire doesn’t exist, just the two of them alone on this beach.
“I think--no, I know I like both. Boys and girls. I’m bisexual, not gay.”
“Okay,” Ashton says easily. “You’re bisexual and I’m gay. This doesn’t change anything between us. You’re still one of the most important people in my life. You’re still one of my best friends.”
Luke’s eyes prick with tears again, because he’s a fucking baby and Ashton always knows the exact right thing to say.
“Okay,” he chokes, finally slumping against him. Ashton hugs him tighter, hooking his chin over Luke’s shoulder to press their cheeks together, and Luke grips the hands around his waist.
They stay there until Luke has calmed down enough to remove himself from Ashton without feeling like he’s going to break apart again. Ashton gives him a million-watt smile, the brightest thing on the beach tonight, and it settles any remaining fluttering in Luke’s chest.
They pick up the beer bottle, which got knocked over and emptied onto the sand at some point, then head back over to the main party. Michael spots them first, eyes bright and face twisting into a smile, and something else in Luke’s chest settles.
He’s still not ready to tell them. Tonight showed him that, but he thinks that when he does eventually get up the courage to, it might not be a disaster.
Ashton catches his eye and Luke smiles.
-/-
Ashton’s flight leaves at 5:30 in the morning. Luke sets an alarm so he can call him one last time before they have to switch to social media messaging since his mum doesn’t want to pay for infinite international texts.
He sleeps through the alarm and sulks the entire day.
It feels like something has been stolen from him, this last precious second of time with Ashton in Australia, but he doesn’t want to give his brothers another reason to tease him or garner sympathetic looks from his parents before they tell him to keep his chin up. He goes over to Michael’s house with Calum and they all try to get some practicing done, but it’s not the same. The room feels empty without Ashton taking up his usual spot on the couch and the comforting sound of his pencil against his sketchbook in the rare moments of silence. None of their hearts are in it, so they play video games instead, but that just reminds Luke that they don’t have even teams for Fifa anymore.
It’s stupid. It’s not like Ashton ever played Fifa with them, stubborn in the face of the rest of them trying to convince him to like it.
“This is fucking stupid,” Calum says after a while of stilted banter and half-hearted playing.
“Yeah,” Michael agrees. “He hasn’t even been gone a day and I already miss him. We were fine before him, so why can’t we just go back to that?”
Luke shrugs. He doesn’t have anything to add.
They end up watching a movie. If all of them cuddle a little more than usual during it, no one mentions it.
-/-
The first message Luke ever receives on WhatsApp comes in at 11:00 in the morning.
Ashton: finally in utah found my dorm
miss au already
roommate is nice tho
Luke feels his heart clench. He already has Utah’s time zone programmed into his clock app and it’s early evening there. He could call if he wanted to, but Ashton is probably busy. Just because he found his dorm doesn’t mean he’s moved in, and he probably wants to get to know his roommate a bit more and get settled. He doesn’t need a kid from his hometown still clinging to him right now.
Luke: yay glad u made it
After a second of hesitation, he types out another message.
Luke: miss u 2
Ashton doesn’t reply. Luke tells himself the same excuses as before: he’s moving, he’s busy, he’s spending time with his new college friends because he’s inevitably already made some, but it doesn’t help.
He forces down the ache in his gut and tries to write instead. It’s not very relevant, full of teen heartache and love over long distance and other things not present between them, but it helps ease the pressure in his chest anyway.
-/-
Time seems to speed up after that. Luke thought that after Ashton left it would feel like it’s doing the opposite, dragging out more without Ashton to drive them places or distract them during rehearsal, but instead everything else kicks into high gear. Ashton is busy adjusting to school and America and working out the legality of him getting a job there and filling out applications, so it takes them two weeks after he moves in for them to Skype each other. Ashton gives him a video tour of his dorm room and chatters about his classes, grainy over the webcam and freezing every-so-often from bad wifi. Luke tries to seem enthusiastic, but he misses him. There’s nothing new to tell about life in Australia, and the call ends before he wants it to because Ashton has assignments that he needs to do.
Thankfully, Luke isn’t left with a lot of time to miss him after that. His mum gets more strict about keeping up with his schoolwork after a sharp dip in grades, and the band throws themselves even more into their music. They go to London for a week to “discover their sound” and try to stretch their creative muscles a bit more. Luke starts writing more, too, figuring that he’ll never get better if he doesn’t practice. He doesn’t finish any songs by himself, but there are a few that he shows to Calum to see if they can do something with them. Calum is the best writer of them, and Luke loves spending time with him and their guitars, pressed close on the couch with notebooks out and scribbled in, trying out different chord progressions or switching around lyrics so they fit more smoothly.
Things keep moving and plans keep being made faster than Luke can keep up with. He’s just along for the ride, enjoying the roller coaster the higher it climbs in anticipation for the adrenaline that follows.
As such, the idea of moving to London doesn’t become real to Luke until he tells Sara about it.
It’s been a conversation between them, their parents, and their management for a while. It was just a suggestion at first, brought up to the band without their parents when the idea of a temporary trip was first discussed. Ashton always said to be careful of big decisions that management brings up just to them at first, because it could mean that there’s some sort of loophole that would give them more power that they don’t want the parents to know about. Ashton always thought that their parents would have their best interest at heart as people, whereas management would probably have the best interest of the band as a brand and moneymaker instead.
That’s not the case with this decision, though. After dropping the idea of moving to a different continent into Luke, Calum, and Michael’s heads, management called a meeting with all of them and their parents and started talking about opportunities, numbers, and the music scene in London. They’ve been discussing it for months. The date for when they’re leaving keeps getting moved around and shifted for various reasons, but once it’s solidified Luke knows that he has to tell Sara.
He forgets to tell her. Between Ashton’s departure, Luke feeling like part of him got left behind somewhere, the London trip, the EP work, and a very complicated history paper that he needs to ace, he completely forgets until halfway through October. Luke’s aware that he can be absent-minded sometimes, but even he knows that continuing to put this off is kind of a dick move.
Sara’s dad drops her off at Luke’s house, and Luke has the door open before she gets a chance to knock.
“Hey,” she says, beautiful smile on display. Luke greets her with a kiss, then takes her up to his room. Her favorite place to sit in there is on his bed, so he sinks down next to her. It means he doesn’t have to fully face her when he says this, which helps.
“So?” Sara asks. “You said you had a band announcement to tell me. Is the EP done?”
“No, not yet,” Luke says, although they’ve been making good progress. It turns out that recording music for an EP takes longer than he thought. Writing and recording a full album is going to take forever.
“Um,” he says, wiping his hands on his pants and trying to figure out how to tell her that the actual act of writing and recording a full album is going to take place in a different country. “So, the band has been talking a lot about, like… the future, I guess? And what would be the best thing to do from here, and there are some great producers and writers that we want to work with for our actual album. So the band has decided that we’re going to move to England.”
Sara doesn’t say anything for a moment. Luke can’t bring himself to look up from his hands and try to gauge her reaction.
“Moving?” she asks. “You guys are going to permanently live there, not just visit?”
“Yeah, that’s the plan,” he says. “For writing the album, at least. Then we might come back, but if the album does well then hopefully there will be tours and maybe signing to a record label, and it’s a lot easier to break into the charts of other countries from England than from Australia, so…”
He glances up at her. She has her hands clasped together in her lap, lips twisted up like she’s not sure what expression she’s supposed to be making. Sara likes to think things through, and she likes to make everyone else around her happy. She’s a little bit like Ashton that way. He wishes that he could read her as well as he can read him.
“Alright,” she says. “When are you leaving?”
“Probably in December, so we have a little bit. Mum wants me to finish the school year and we’re going to open for Hot Chelle Rae when they come here, which I still need to get you a ticket for, shit. I’ll remember to do that.”
Sara laughs, some of the heaviness in the air dissipating with it.
“Has anyone ever told you that you can be a little absent-minded?” she teases.
“Yeah, yeah,” he says. “I’ll get you a ticket, I promise.”
“Good,” she says. “And congrats on England, too. That’s exciting.”
Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes.
“Thanks.”
They descend into silence, one of the awkward ones that Luke doesn’t know how to alleviate. Luke wishes she was fully happy for him, but he knows what it’s like to be left behind in Australia. It sucks.
“At least we have a few months,” he tries.
“Yeah, that’s good,” she says.
Another awkward silence.
“I’m going to miss you,” she says.
He doesn’t know what to say to make her feel better, so he kisses her. It’s something that they’ve done a hundred times before, something that they both like to do, but this time feels different.
Luke’s heart sinks down to his stomach. He’s not sure that Sara will be able to pick it back up.
-/-
After that, Luke does a lot of thinking about his bucket list.
Ashton asks about it the next time they Skype, after Luke tells him about his conversation with Sara.
“Now that you’re actually leaving the country, what do you want to do before you leave?” he asks. He’s sitting at his desk in his dorm room, managing to fit in talking to Luke between his morning classes. Luke wishes it was evening there, too, just so that he could stop feeling like Ashton is as far out of reach as he is.
“I don’t know,” Luke mutters. He’s had a bad day and thought that talking to Ashton would make him feel better, but right now it’s just making him feel worse. He’s lonely. He’s still failing history. Things with Sara have felt weird and stilted since he told her he’s moving to England.
“I don’t think Sara and I are going to have sex,” he says eventually. “I think she’s going to break up with me soon.”
“Oh,” Ashton says. “I’m sorry. You guys have been together for pretty long.”
“Yeah,” he says, looking at the stars on his ceiling so he doesn’t have to see Ashton’s pitying expression. “I think she’s like… getting ready for when I leave, or something. She doesn’t seem that into me anymore. It sucks.”
Ashton hums. Luke wants to stop talking about it.
“What about the other thing?” Ashton asks. “Telling Michael and Calum?”
Luke swallows, feeling it get lodged in his throat partway down. His pulse is already picking up speed just from the thought of it, especially because if it somehow goes wrong then they’re going to be stuck in a house together a whole plane ride away from home.
He knows that Michael and Calum are good people, but he’s heard the jokes. They all make them, but Luke doesn’t want to become the butt of them. He doesn’t want them to look at him differently or to jeopardize the band now that things are really picking up speed.
“I don’t know,” he says. “I’m not ready yet. Maybe later, though.”
“You still have some time,” Ashton says. “And you don’t end up telling them, that’s okay, too. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”
Luke grunts. He knows that Ashton is right, but now that he said he wants to either lose his virginity or come out by the time he leaves and he’s not going to do the first one, it feels like he needs to do the second.
“Hey, want to hear about this crazy thing my painting professor said yesterday?” Ashton asks. He’s always been good at sensing when Luke wants to switch topics, and Luke’s thankful for the out this time, even if hearing about Ashton’s life outside of him makes him ache.
“Yeah, sure,” he says, shifting his weight. He lets Ashton fill the air between them with stories of his college adventures, trying to push down the discomfort that always seems to be growing under his skin.
-/-
“Luke!” Sara yells, pushing through the other kids waiting after school to get to him. She’s grinning, something he hasn’t seen her do in his presence since long before she dumped him earlier in the week, and it’s weird to see it directed at him now. For a wild, breathless moment he wonders if she regrets it and is going to kiss him and ask for him back and tell him that she loves him.
He can feel Calum and half the kids around them watching.
“Hey, Sara,” he says, trying to keep his voice even and nonchalant. “What’s up?”
“Have you checked Twitter recently?” she asks, practically vibrating with excitement. That’s so far from what he imagined she was going to say that it takes him a second to process it.
“What?”
“Twitter, Luke,” she says. “Have you checked it today? The band account?”
Luke glances at Calum. He’s already pulling out his phone, spurred into action by the mention of the band.
“No, we’ve been at school.”
“Louis Tomlinson tweeted about you!” she squeals, holding out her phone but moving too much for him to see anything on it. “This is major!”
“What?” he asks, not sure how this is major when he doesn’t know who Louis Tomlinson is.
“From One Direction?” Sara asks, transitioning from excited to exasperated. “You know, ‘baby you light up my world like nobody else?’ Honestly, Luke, they’re only the biggest boyband in the world.”
“I know who One Direction is,” he snaps. Their song has been all over the radio, but it’s not his fault that he can’t name every single member off the top of his head. Sara’s expression hardens. Luke gears himself up for her snide comment or a bitchy remark.
“Holy shit,” Calum interrupts, knocking into Luke and holding his phone out so they both can stare at it. “Look at our follower count! Holy shit! And he linked “Gotta Get Out,” not one of the covers. That’s us! I mean, I wish it was Green Day tweeting about us instead, but this is insane!”
“They have a really big following,” Sara says. “And they’re not even Australian, so that means that most of their fans are English and international, too. You couldn’t get better promo if you paid for it.”
Luke glances at her, then back to Calum’s phone, where an international superstar has apparently noticed their little Australian band. The thumbnail of the video clearly shows him and Calum in the middle of singing Calum’s original song.
They didn’t even play in New Zealand until three days ago, and now some English pop sensation is tweeting about them.
“Wow,” he says, for lack of anything else, because his internal monologue is currently composed solely of question marks and exclamation marks.
“I’m happy for you,” Sara says. “It’s what you guys deserve.”
Luke glances at her again. In some ways, he thinks that all of this would be easier if she said she hates him and started spreading rumors about how bad of a kisser he is. Then at least he could hate her for something other than dumping him, but he can’t. Sara isn’t like that, and she never has been. She’s always been sweet, and that was one of the things he loved about her.
“Thanks,” he says, trying to muster up a smile for her. He doesn’t know how close he gets, but it must be enough, because Sara simply nods and turns away, beginning the familiar walk home.
“Come on,” Calum says, nudging him before he can do something dramatic like watch her walk away until she’s out of sight. “Mike’s going to freak out. Oh! I wonder if Ashton knows already!”
“Let’s try to Skype him when we’re with Michael,” Luke says. Calum grins, much more familiar and heartwarming than Sara’s one from earlier, and when Joy picks them up they go straight over to Michael’s. By the time they get there, the Sara-shaped wound in Luke’s chest has all but disappeared.
-/-
Lots of things happen after that. Their management freaks out and immediately gets in contact with One Direction’s management, talking about promotional things and corporations and the brand of the band and the possibilities of merging with other management teams. The vast majority of it goes right over Luke’s head, but he understands enough to know that moving to England is becoming extremely convenient for their management’s plans. Besides, they’ll still get to make music and they’ll still get to play shows, so Luke doesn’t really care who is managing them or how often One Direction will be involved.
Sometimes he wonders what Ashton would think of all of this if he were here. Luke never does a good job of explaining it when they talk, but he must glean enough from Calum and Michael to know that they’re blowing up, which is super convenient for them given that they still don’t have a consistent drummer and now more people are willing to play for them.
When they release their first single (their first single! With a music video and everything!), Luke isn’t surprised that Niall Horan retweets it. He knows the names of everyone in One Direction now, which is probably going to be a good thing since Luke assumes they’re going to meet at some point based on how much their teams are communicating.
Ashton texts a congratulations on the video and tells Luke that he looks like a proper rockstar in it, which makes Luke feel better than any tweet from Niall Horan ever could.
Their EP is finally released on December 7. They celebrate with a show at the Metro, a full year after their first show at the Annandale. They bring back Ashton’s drummer friend for it, because he’s familiar and they like him and he’s filled in for them a few times throughout the year as well, but besides that it’s pretty different from their 2011 concert. The crowd is sold out, for one thing. Ashton isn’t there, for another. But there are differences in Luke himself, too. He’s more confident in himself and more sure of the songs that they’re singing. He feels more connected to Michael and Calum, all of them having grown as a three-piece in the short year behind them, and he can’t imagine doing this with anyone else.
It’s the best he’s felt since Sara broke up with him. It’s probably the best he’s felt since before Ashton left.
They film a video beforehand, all three of them squished closer than necessary on a cushioned bench backstage. Calum fumbles his words and Luke mixes up the dates and Michael talks over both of them, but eventually they tell the camera that they’re grateful for all of the support they’ve gotten so far and that they’re writing their first ever album in London. It gets his adrenaline pumping and puts him in the exact right mindset to go out there and kill the performance.
Another thing that’s different from the Annandale is that Luke is better at interacting with the fans after the show, smiling wider and posing for pictures and scrawling out his signature smoothly. It’s thrilling to have new CD cases to put a sharpie to, one that’s divided into four boxes with each one of them and their instruments, the last box taken up by the band logo that Ashton designed. He hands the CDs back to some familiar faces as well as new ones he doesn’t recognize. The vast majority of the fans are girls around their age, and Luke gives hugs to the ones who request it and is happy to chat for a few minutes with everyone who wants his attention. He’s exhausted by the end of it, but happy.
Ashton calls right as Luke is getting ready for bed, like he has some sort of sixth-sense for timing and knows that a call would be the one thing that could make this day better.
“Hey,” Luke says, settling into the covers and tilting his phone so Ashton appears upright. “Or should I say good morning? Isn’t it pretty early there?”
“Yeah,” Ashton sighs, rubbing his eyes then replacing his glasses. Luke spots a streak of paint on his hand, something dark that stands out against his skin. His hair is a little bit messy and he’s wearing a jumper, because December means summer in Australia but winter over in America. Apparently the dorms are colder than Ashton is used to, and a lot of their recent video-chats have included him bundled up in some way. “I was up all night working on my final project for my art class, but I still have all my boring finals for my gen-eds. Anyway, that’s not why I called. How was your day? With the concert and the EP?”
“It was so good,” Luke grins. “I don’t know, things feel right right now. And it feels really good to have the EP out there finally. Did you get your copy yet?”
“No, I need to wait a bit for the post. Hopefully it gets here before I head home for break. I listened to all of it on your YouTube page, though!”
“Yeah? What did you think?”
Ashton grins, and even though the video quality is bad Luke can see his dimples.
“It was amazing, of course,” he says, like Luke is silly for thinking it could ever be anything different. “You guys keep getting better and better each time. I can’t wait to have the physical copy.”
“What song was your favorite?” Luke asks.
“‘Beside You,’” Ashton says, smile turning soft. “You guys really got a head start on the long-distance pining, huh? You haven’t even left yet.”
“Yeah,” Luke says, hoping that the room is dark enough that Ashton can’t see how red his face is inevitably turning. He remembers showing the bare bones of that song to Calum months ago. They had to rush to finish it with Joel and Christian to get it on the EP, and hopefully no one but Calum will ever question him about who inspired the song.
Calum didn’t have to question him, either. He just gave Luke a knowing look and said that he misses him, too.
“Tell me about the concert,” Ashton requests. “I have some time before my class.”
Luke talks as long as he can, telling Ashton about the venue, the crowd, and the music, interrupting himself with yawns while Ashton rests his chin in his hand and hums here and there. He asks about Ashton’s finals afterwards, and in the end Luke doesn’t know whether he falls asleep or Ashton goes to class first.
-/-
Luke falls in love with London.
He doesn’t love it in the same way that he loves Australia, which will always be home and is full of sun, heat, and sand. He loves London like he loves meeting a new dog while out on a walk, something interesting and fun to keep him on his toes. London is so different in so many ways, from the lack of half of his family to the dreary winter weather, but it’s exciting, too. Their house doesn’t have much, but it has all three of them, some vegemite, and an xbox. Their days are pretty monotonous, but every morning he wakes up knowing that he’s going to do what he loves, meeting different people to push him creatively and hanging out with his two best friends the whole time. It’s like an extended sleepover-vacation, and he loves everything about it down to the funny accents people have and the different programs on the TV.
He has more time zones to keep track of in his phone now and more people to miss. They moved to London a few days before Ashton finished his finals and came home for break. Luke tried to bargain so they could have one day on the same continent with him, but management was firm about the timeline. At least London is closer in time to both Australia and Utah, so neither of them are too far in the future anymore. For just over two weeks Luke only has to worry about what time it is in Sydney, but Ashton will be flying back to Utah tomorrow to try to fit two of his classes into a j-term before the next semester officially begins. He has plans to graduate in three years instead of four, and this is part of his strategy.
Luke isn’t focusing on Ashton tonight, though. He’s not focusing on his family, either, since he Skyped them earlier in the day with his mum and she has since retired upstairs to bed. Tonight is for the boys. It’s the last day of 2012, and they have a lot to celebrate while they wait for the calendar to turn over.
“Can you believe we’re in fucking England?” Michael asks, lying on the couch and staring at the ceiling.
“Yeah, you remind us every other day,” Calum says dryly. Luke hids a snort behind his hand, reaching for the bowl of chips on the little coffee table they found two days ago in an attempt to furnish the house at least a little bit more.
“You know what I mean, dickhead. One year ago did you ever imagine we’d be here? We’re living on a whole different continent to write a full-length album for our band.”
“I wasn’t even sure we’d still be together,” Calum admits.
Luke frowns.
“I was,” he says. “Why the fuck would you quit football and let Michael quit school if you didn’t think the band would still be together?”
“I didn’t say I didn’t think we’d still be together, I said I wasn’t sure if we would be,” Calum defends, snatching at the chips. “Life is crazy. Anything could’ve happened.”
“Yeah, but not to us,” Michael says, sitting up. “We were going to be best friends still, so why would the band fall apart? Like, if we’re going to blow up, it’s going to be in thirty years when Luke gets sick of me picking on him and starts throwing punches.”
“It’s okay,” Luke says. “I know you tease because you like me.”
“Aw,” Calum says. “You guys are cute.”
Michael frames his face and smiles. Luke grins, grabbing another handful of chips.
“Seriously, though, nothing is going to happen to us,” Michael says. “Like, you guys are my best friends ever. We can make it through anything.”
“Yeah,” Calum says. “You’re right. I’m pretty sure you guys could commit murder and I’d still be friends with you.”
“In that case, give me some chips.”
“Get them yourself!”
Michael launches himself at Calum, completely forgoing the snacks to bowl him over. Calum puts up a good fight, and Luke yelps and grabs the chips to save them from getting all over the floor.
Calum grabs him in an attempt to get some leverage, pulling Luke into the wrestling match and earning an elbow in the side. All three of them roll around on the floor, yelling and laughing until an accidental kick has Michael wheezing.
“I hate you guys,” he gasps, cheeks red. “You fucking suck.”
“Yeah, love you, too,” Calum grins.
Michael flips him off, and for one second Luke thinks he can do it. It’s just the three of them here, Luke and his two best friends in the world, and he thinks he can tell them. He knows that nothing is going to happen to them.
When he opens his mouth, no words come out.
Michael’s alarm rings a second later.
“Happy New Year!” he yells. Calum and Luke cheer appropriately, and Michael starts jumping on the couch and yelling. It’s chaotic and probably going to wake up his mum, but Luke loves it, just like he loves them.
“This is going to be the best year ever!” Calum yells.
