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The drama on ABC Family’s “The Flopsters” is percolating. The Snapped Staff takes full credit – yet again – for the cute episode (after comments made on Episode 2 of our podcast, “Oh, SNAP!”). Don’t look now but the buffoons we know and love tolerate are back this week, and we have a few notes. Tighten up those Pilgrim belts: we’re GOING.IN!!!!!!!!!!!!
Imagination: The Lost Art
There comes a time in the life of every ensemble cast show when we ask ourselves: how many characters are too many characters? Gurl, listen: the Snapped Staff has been asking ourselves this question since ABC Family wheeled out Lexie’s geriatric ass. Now that her storyline is becoming palatable, they hit us with Liam (not to mention Wyatt – which we’re still holding a grudge about). When we saw Liam in the last episode it was the straw that broke the hooker’s back. His name already conjures bad feeling. That’s doing a lot of work. Why does he need two attack scenes? For the drama? Chile, puh-leeze!
Furthermore, having those two insignifs – Liam and Wyatt – in that ridiculous “fight” scene robbed Callie of valuable stage time. The sexual violation happened to her. Her body. She experienced that. It was personal. Why are we exploring it for the first time (over 2 episodes) publically? Wouldn’t she have a moment to reflect – outside of that raggedy-assed journal? Maybe in the form of flashback/cut-away remembrances? [That is the ONLY time the Snapped! Staff would co-sign on Liam’s presence] Also: would a girl who’s been violated find herself caught up in some threadbare love triangle with Wyatt and Brandon? HELL NO. She would have been a loner, fighting off every untoward sexual advance.
Uh, No.
Despite the mismanagement of her arc, ABC Family accidentally flailed into the meat of her “character” (term applied loosely) in this episode, before undermining her moment. Did we need to see her confessing to Brandon what was taken from her?
Nope. To that end, what was he really going to add? As you can see, he was stomped for conversation.
Could she have had the same powerful message in a conversation with Sarah, an actual victim of the same crime? Yes. Could she have gone to Stef and Lena to reveal her past alone? Yes. Would this have been the moment of the entire season if she were a true standoffish badass instead of running into the arms of dudes? Absolutely. The question to which we don’t have the answer: why does a woman always need a man around to validate her actions/feelings? Why is ABC Family perpetuating this train of thought? The character of “Callie” would have been much more compelling had the writers had the foresight to do more for her than throw her into a sea of 3-5 dudes and have her ping-pong between them.
Pacific-Bound Parents
Parents are still people, people with irrational desires – just as much as the next hoe. We’re all in the same boat. So, why then, all of a sudden – especially after Stef was offering Brandon’s boney ass condoms for 60 seconds of passionate love making with Talyia – are they acting as if expressing sexuality doesn’t occur until a person hits 30 years of age? More than that: why are they forgetting that they were once teenagers and have snuck out, gotten drunk, had bad sex and planned to become rock stars? Why is this generation of teenage uprising so different? It’s not. Shouldn’t the parents be armed with elements from their pasts to combat present-day buffoonery? Why are they so befuddled and scandalized? The Riveras, for instance, were horrible examples of modern parents. If the Snapped Staff adopted Lexie (back in 1862 when she was under the age of 18) and she went missing, we would have simply assumed that she ran off to work for the local pimp, Pretty Tony, after discovering (yet again) the joys of sex. She would’ve come crawling back after being smacked around and having to part with 35 percent of all money earned. In short: we would have charged it to the game. Why act like YOUR kid is the ONLY kid in the world incapable of bad things? That’s what the Riveras did. Why try to exact impossible standards of living onto them when you yourself didn’t live by those standards? Listen: we need REAL parents, like, actual human beings. The Riveras are a worse version of The Fosters and the four of these FLOPS should pack thermal bathing suits because we’re tossing them directly into the Pacific for a seventeen year dip.
Don’t Hand Us That!!!
Look, ABC Family: the Snapped Staff has told you too many times about this summary you insist on feeding us while giving us nothing scenes. Yet, you continue to do so. We raved about the drunk Mariana in our podcast, yet you gave us that by accident. The most INTERESTING and PROACTIVE things Mariana could have done, you make her tell us about them. We would much rather SEE Mariana and Lexie have a confrontation; have Mariana hit her with angry “hip hop hands”; have them make-up; and then Mariana stashes her ass for safekeeping until a plan is hatched.
Instead you show us their facebook photo sesh and regale us with tall tales about how great of a lover Jesus is.
#VOMITWORTHY. This is the network showing us what girls SHOULD BE doing with their free time – mindless behavior. Hold the phone: this isn’t free time. It sure as hell isn’t America’s Next Top Model. This is a crisis! How about have Mariana getting Lexie some groceries that bitch could EAT?!?!
Lexie could be mapping her next move. Since they’d repaired the friendship, they could have decided to emancipate themselves. We could have also SEEN Mariana hit her crackhead mother with some hip hop hands. Instead you show us Mariana cowering to her, biting her tongue, and then simply ignoring her text-message requests for stolen domestic goods. Scenes require action. Compelling characters never take anything lying down. You can’t have Mariana acting during the commercial break and then hand us three scenes of her telling us what she did. How is that compelling to watch? Get a clue.
Drive-By WTFs
Stef, stay the HELL OUT of an argument that has nothing to do with you!
Why is Mariana-and-the-crackhead-mom dead horse still being beaten?
Callie has kept a guitar, a journal, a camera, AND NOW you put her in therapy. STAHP!
Brandon, you’re not the morality police. Yes, Mariana was drunk. She was HILARIOUS as a result. Lest you’ve forgotten: Talya was trying to get you up in her cho-cha! #AMNESIA
Wyatt wrestling a sex-crazed lumberjack (Liam) to the ground? #MAKEBELIEVE
Liam? 20 years old? Nah. He’s definitely had at least 3 marriages annulled. That makes him about 47.
Will someone please admit it: Lexie initiated the sex with Jesus! #JEZEBEL
Callie you were in JUVIE. Aren’t you already a high-risk hoe? Why are you worried about a “file” now?
Mariana and Lexie talk cho-chas?!?!?!?! WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAA. Fighting. That. Off.
You’ve Been Hit with a HOESITDOWN!
The Riveras: Look – the days of scarlet lettering are over! Besides, there are dudes at boarding school.
Liam: Shouldn’t you be raising your teenage daughters instead of torturing their friends? #OLDHEAD
The Riveras: Of course a 40-year-old “teenage” girl has enough moxie and cash to run away. #YOUTRIED IT
Callie: Step away from the guitar! You are supposed to be a badass, NOT a sensitive singer/songwriter. If you insist on this buffoonery at least plug that bitch up to an amp and get some edge in that sound, hooker.
Sarah: Look wench, Callie’s trying to help your helpless ass. Take notes, yo.
Random Cute-ness
The TWISTS: Mariana packs a bag to help Lexie instead of genuflecting to her mother’s hookerish ass. The Riveras – as pious and holier-than-thou as they behaved – are revealed to be undocumented.
By The Numbers
0 – Number of episodes that have NOT mentioned the word “pills”
4 – Number of times Stef is called on to “parent” in this episode
1 – Number of times Lena is present for these magical Stef parenting moments
2 – Number of times Mariana was spotted pouting
0 – Amount of shade thrown by Jude
4 – Number of residences (hypothetical, real and imaginary) Lexie has this episode
Final Thought
J-Lo, gurl, the show is heading in the right direction, but you’ve really got to hire some new writers and forbid them to write episode-to-episode. Someone’s gotta have a vision for these characters. Right now they’re reactive. They need to be proactive. Have your people call us. The Snapped! Staff will sign on to fix this potentially stunning show.
Overall Grade: B
**Catch our podcast “Oh, SNAP!” every Sunday evening. If you missed the premiere, it’s up on Tumblr and iTunes. Follow us on twitter @ivesnapped
