It is actually helpful to hear about your experience ty. I'm 22 so the age factor does worry me. Idk tho, I started out about a year ago in the aro tag and it was ok. But I left bc 'aroace' is kinda a useless label if you want to date. Then I found a lot of sapphic blogs, including yours, but I still feel like an intruder at times. Then I try to return to the aro / aroace tags but discourse kinda exploded them so no thx. I did find some friendly discourse free sapphic ace blogs but - 'asexual' as in 'not experiencing sexual attraction' might apply to me but tbh, sexual attraction is weird for everyone and I don't think it'd help me to focus on sex rn. I'm ok w staying a virgin until I'm comfortable with myself first (sorry for the tmi). I did consider id ing as some combination of aro, ace (spectrum) and sapphic but I've seen some violent backlash to that so no. I id as questioning now, though only few ppl know, and I personally hate it bc it feels like nothing and insincerity. It just sucks to fling between the two all the time but not rly being able to accept either label. To a certain point I really do relate most to aroace experiences but then sapphic tumblr taught me the ace community enables sapphic girls to suppress their attraction longer. So what is the truth, bc I hate not being able to trust myself. So bc of me questioning and following sapphic blogs I started to think about the possibility of liking girls so much it feels laughable to even think I'd've still been repressing it all this time. I'm even lucky enough to have lgbt friends (which I haven't dared tell anything) and supportive parents (they gave me the it's ok to be gay talk bc I've been single all my life) And at the end of the day, I still feel like I'm straight bc other than my own mind I've nothing to go on. It wouldn't be illogical if I simply didn't like the few boys I kissed but that I would happily date a dude I actually liked. I'm not confident in my lack of attraction to men, but I have decided that it means less to me in my questioning process rn than a possible attraction to girls. And I have been told thinking you're straight could be heteronormativity too so I can't trust these thoughts either. I'm just so fed up w being questioning - maybe I shouldn't overthink it this much or go looking for it on tumblr all the time bc it always makes me feel bad but tbh I WANT to think about it bc I want to figure it out! And I have no irl outlets bc I've had a hard time in general lately and kind of neglected my friends. And the worst thing is that I've only told one friend, but she's on an exchange program on the other side of the world for the next 3 years. Even worse, lately I've been angsting a lot about whether my feelings of first admiration and then close friendship haven't been a crush all along. We've always texted more than talked and I talk to her p much daily rn. Like I really like her a lot but I've never wanted to kiss her or anything. And I certainly don't want to claim a crush just bc we've got similar interests and a lot of similar issues and she's really kind so it's always easy to talk. Still, I do know that she likes girls, so if she was here I think I should tell her. But she's not so. I'm also afraid bc she's been hurt before and she deserves a wonderful relationship not my mess. And what if my feelings only became stronger bc I've wanted a crush for so long and she's conveniently unattainable now? I'm just in a really bad place rn and I want it to stop. Sorry must be exhausting to deal w and this is prob not what you meant when you offered to talk;;; it's so weird too: I'd much prefer 'nice people on tumblr made realise it's ok to be myself and I'm at peace w who I am now' to 'my unhealthily gullible attitude to ppl on tumblr pushed me into therapy'. Bc I am starting therapy soon, and I guess I've been feeling so awful lately for several reasons, including this mess
