Y'all get ready to lock tf in, this is over 800 words of Headcanons because my brain couldn't stop trying to project onto these silly little hockey players.
This may seem like slight word vomit because it is so feel free to ask questions about any of these! I also made notes on things i may want to expand on at a later date!
*These are all based on my experience as someone who was diagnosed with AuDHD at 17 and who grew up with people who were diagnosed young. Nobody's experience is the same, and I encourage you to do your own research*
Shitty
Diagnosed with ADHD (hyperactive type) young
Prefers to live life as unmedicated as he can get away with. he was heavily medicated ever since he was old enough to be (had to have the "perfect image" for his richass family, eugh). First semester freshman year he kept that schedule, but by the beginning of his sophomore year he had weaned himself off enough that now only takes his meds when he ABSOLUTELY HAS TO (aka test days)
Is very open about his diagnosis (but not how it affected his home life, thats only for Lardo, Jack and his therapist to know)
Random (and often sometimes incoherent) facts come out of nowhere
Chronic pen/pencil nibbler to the point where he needs chewey pencil toppers
Lardo threw a pack of them at him after she witnessed him chew through his 6th pen during finals her freshman year (the last 2 were actually borrowed from her)
Makes "peer-reviewed" jokes at Bitty + Jack, thinks he is the Pinnacle Of Comedy™️
Bitty
LATE DIAGNOSED ADHD Combined Type AND Autistic (No neurotypical child/young adult has that kind of relationship with pies)
Asked his parents if he ever got diagnosed as a kid, he didnt. Parents thought there was something but didnt want to poke further
Debates pursuing formal diagnosies, he originally doesn't find it that necessary with his career path, but when Jack got his post-grad, decided that maybe it WAS worth it to pursue
The ADHD was a planned Diagnosis, the Autism was NOT
He was in the room for MAYBE 10 minutes when the psychiatrist brought it up
Doesn't really talk about it much, once he DOES get the Diagnosies, but also doesn't really hide it
Doesn't really have Audio Sensitivities, its all visual/tactile
Gloves are MANDATORY while doing dishes, he can Touch food while baking, but once it gets Too Moist his body WILL Take A Screenshot™️ if he touches it
His Special Interest is baking (duh)
Oral fixation KING! always has to have something in his mouth
The day he discovered chewlery was truly amazing. highly enjoys the more "stick" shaped chews and will gnaw on them for dear life while baking (this is just me projecting)
Jack
LATE DIAGNOSED AUTISTIC + Inattentive Type ADHD
SO HIGH MASKING HE WAS MISDIAGNOSED WITH GAD
SpIns are Hockey and History
SW was his first "real" school experience so Autism/ADHD was never really thought about as an option, especially since his hockey SpIn came across as a "neurotypical obssession"
Was "peer-reviewed" by Shitty, did NOT want to poke at ANY of it, kept it packed away in a tiny box [Shits was Sus about that, but didnt push (consent + personal autonomy and all that shit)]
Shit FINALLY got unpacked a few months after graduation, both by Jack AND Bitty *this could be its own seperate post*
The day he was formally told that he was misdiagnosed with GAD, Jack cried for hours. He couldn't help but wonder what his teen years would have looked like if he received the Proper diagnosies sooner. Bitty ended up calling Bob + Alicia *This could also potentially be a separate post*
The ADHD was actually a "bonus" diagnosis. He went in for formal testing ONLY for Autism, but then the psychiatrist requested a 2nd day of testing and found The ADHD
For the moment, only his parents, Shitty, Bitty, and Georgia Martin know about his diagnosies. later, maybe a Senior Citizen older teammate or two gets told?
Is very scared to go public about it, but also knows that if he does it'll change the lives of so many young autistic athletes.
At the moment he + Georgia are keeping the Anxiety Narrative. The public doesnt need to know that its not "just" GAD
has only needed to miss 3 games because of shutdowns/meltdowns since his freshman year of college *this will be a seperate post*
wears earplugs full-time, team doesnt question it bc their job can get LOUD so it just makes sense
post-grad bits always keeps an extra pair on hand at every game he can get to
a set of over-ear headphones are kept in both his Roadie duffle and with Bits, just in case he needs more in order to decompress post-game
Uses his boyfriend as DPT (Deep-Pressure Therapy)
Has a weighted bunny that comes with him on Roadies that Bitty gave him. Not many of the guys know about her, but the ones who do only know that she was a gift from his partner
stim toy baddie. his favorite in his collection is this NeeDoh putty stress ball thing. Likes the squish without the gross hands
So yeah! Let me know what y'alls favorite HC was and if you want to see any of these expanded on in the (probably far) future! also if y'all have your own HCS, feel free to share them with me! I'd LOVE to hear all about them!
So I promised @sergeantsexface that I’d write her a fic as a thank you for being the best beta & cheer-reader anybody could ask for, and she wanted a Bi Bad Bob fic. This is not that fic, but it is the brainstorming for it, so I guess it counts as bullet-point fic, or not!fic that will someday become actual fic!
Anyway, please have it. This is set in TACSOL, which is my fic where there are multiple universes and the Stanley Cup can send you hopping through them if it so chooses.
So, imagine Bob, shortly after breaking up with Alicia Owens and winning the Stanley Cup for the 2nd time, getting absolutely wasted and waking up the day after his Cup Day next to a guy.
A naked guy.
A naked guy who is also spooning his ex-girlfriend/love of his life/fuck-she’s-totally-going-to-be-The-One-Who-Got-Away-isn’t-she?
She’s also naked.
Bob: [quietly] The fuck.
---
Someday I’m going to write a silly oneshot featuring Bad Bob turned into a literal penguin, but I seriously already daydream about Bad Bob universe-hopping in the late ‘80s and just--trying to get back home
Like, how did he even meet the witch who helped him with the communication spell? How did alternate bob take breaking up with Alicia?? On that hand, how does original bob take alternate bob apparently having both a girlfriend and a boyfriend who used to play in the AHL before an injury took him out???
Imagine:
Alternate Alicia: wait we broke up???
Max, their boyfriend: why would you do that, is it just you and me now??? i feel like we lost 80% of our common sense and survival instincts, i’m not liking the sound of this
Bob: you and i aren't even dating
Max: you broke up with both of us? omg pls tell me alicia took me with her
Bob: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE
Alicia: O.o. but he. literally introduced us???
Alicia: how did you meet me in your universe???
Bob: i shot a commercial in the same studio you were filming Boudicca: The Warrior Queen????
Bob: [apologetically, to Max] i don't know you from adam, sorry
Max: WAIT I'M NOT DATING EITHER ONE OF YOU????
Bob: .....no?
Max: WHAT
Alicia: ...i can't help but feel the other Bob isn't taking this well right now
Meanwhile...
Alt!bob, outside alicia's doorway: take me baaaaaaaaaaack
Alt!bob: Max, Ally, I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyy
Alt!bob: don't marry each other without meeeeeeeeeeee
Alicia, sticking her head out: [annoyed and deeply puzzled] Who the hell is Max????
Alt!bob: is he not in there with you??? did i screw this up so badly even you two broke up?????? WHAT DID I DO I'LL FIX ITTTTTT
[Shenanigans ensue]
---
But before that! How do the Zimmparents OT3 meet???
Ok, so picture this: alternate Alicia actually meets alternate Bob because Max, a real good friend of hers from high school, takes her to a hockey game. He's been out of hockey for about a year at that point, and is finally able to go and watch a game w/o wanting to cry tears of rage and sadness, and Alicia is coming along as moral support.
Fun fact: she has never been to a professional NHL hockey game before, and only ever saw high school games and practices with Max, but like. She loves Max. Was also secretly super into him for a while, but y'know. He was also dating a dude back then, so she figured he's not into girls, and even if he was, he probably wouldn’t be into her? He never showed an iota of interest, so. Well. She’s his friend, and she loves him, and she’s fine with what he can give her.
(He is into her, btw, they were just awkward oblivious bisexuals and missed each other’s signals, as they do.)
Aaaaaaaaanyway! There they are at the hockey game, Pens vs. Kings or Ducks or somewhere in the L.A. area, idk. (my friend has informed me the Ducks weren’t around until the ‘90s, so Kings it is!)
And - Alicia gets recognized.
They get to meet with some of the team afterwards b/c some of them are such HUGE fans of her show. *hint*hint*wink*wink*
So Bad Bob literally meets the loves of his life immediately post post-game interviews while sweaty and disheveled with tissues up his nose cause he got into several a fight.
And just - imagine poor Bad Bob.
Meeting this 6'5" hunk in a soft, dark blue shirt, all crooked smiles and callused hands, oh shit he's so hot
And ALSO meeting fricking ALICIA OWENS of Boudicca the WARRIOR QUEEN fame!!! She's been his celeb crush for the last three months, he cannot believe the fricking interns managed to get her backstage.
Like - there is SO MUCH HOTNESS HERE Y'KNOW
But hot dude - "Call me McCaffrey" (Bob thinks, 'more like McFuck Me') - hot dude has his arm sort of around Alicia's shoulders?? And she keeps on pushing him towards everybody and just beaming at him when he gets excited talking to people??? (Also he apparently played hockey??? He sounds so knowledgeable, omg, even if he's one of those dude who thinks a strong defense makes the best offense, wtf, it's the other way around, obviously, but okaaaaaaayyyyyy, he makes some good points, Bob is willing to forgive him if he keeps on shrugging his shoulders like that.)
Anyway, obviously this is Alicia's boyfriend. And Alicia is McCaffrey's girlfriend. So, like. They're definitely fucking each other. Which. Makes Bob so jealous, but is also a very hot image, he did not know Alicia Owens was into hockey guys
But also, like, what a hockey guy. He's so awesome and gentlemanly, and Bob thinks the dude's laugh is really cool. He gets to hear it a bunch that night, b/c Bob being Bob smoothly asks them to show him around L.A. (lol, he’s never actually gone further than five miles from whatever hotel the team stashed them in) and Alicia's like 'sure! why not? you were entertaining'
Max: ally, he was brilliant
Alicia: [smiling softly and teasingly at him, her blond hair haloed by the street lights] sure, sure, i'm sure you're completely right
Bob: -dying inside from a combination of being called brilliant and getting to see Alicia Owens, literal goddess, agreeing with the guy calling him brilliant-
Anyway, they get Bob's number, and Bob gets theirs, and I actually think Max/Bob happens first??? Mainly b/c Max actually lives out in Pittsburgh most of the year so that's great for them to meet up, get to know each other better, etc.
And just - Alicia's really happy for them. She is. She's glad Max is doing so much better, this is awesome. She’ll just - she’ll be over here, drowning in loneliness and heartbreak, haha.
Meanwhile, Bob is just marveling at his luck because he totally thought he didn't have a chance??? Like, jokingly one day he says to Max, 'Did you know i thought you wouldn't go for me b/c you and Ally were a thing?' (He's so hyped that he gets to call THE Alicia Owens that. They're friends, it's the coolest!!)
Cue Max spitting out his drink.
Max: WHAT. you thought. omg you thought??? omg NOOOOOOO, she is too good for the likes of me, i would never dare, i can't believe you thought that, i am mortified -
Bob: uh, well, i thought it was pretty obvious that -
Max: oh my GOD, you think my crush was obvious - do you think she knew - do you think she noticed - i can't show my face to her anymore - WHAT MUST SHE THINK
Bob: - that she was into you
Max: what
Bob: what
[twenty minutes of furious arguing ensues]
max: how can you think that! she's not into jocks omGGG
bob: but like isn't she???
max: well, girl jocks, sure, but guy jocks -
bob: what
max:
max: oh shit
max: let's pretend i did not say that
bob: she's.....she likes girls???
bob: is that a thing
max: BOB
bob: i don't mean is girls liking girls a thing! i meant, like.....liking both, haha. or did she like girls in high school and just grow out of it?
max: that's?? not how this works???? i mean, sometimes, but in this case no?
bob: but i'm pretty sure she likes you now, so she must like guys now
max: .....
max: babe, what do you think i am exactly
[beat]
bob: my boyfriend???
[another beat]
max: ok, yeah, good answer
max: BUT REALLY
bob: uhhh, I guess we're, y'know. gay.
max: *sudden realization that the most flaming bisexual he knows has no clue he's bisexual*
max: BABE WHAT
max: BABE NOT TO PUT WORDS IN YOUR MOUTH OR ANYTHING BUT YOU LITERALLY POP A BONER WHENEVER MEG RYAN'S ONSCREEN YOU'RE NOT GAY
bob: haha, that's just being in denial tho. or like. picking a girl you think is hot. i'm with you now, so i don't think girls are hot anymore. or like. well. i shouldn't? i don't think they're as hot as you are, like, i guess maybe i'd tap that, but only as a metaphorical thinggie, not like actually and obviously i think you're hotter and you're the only person i'd sleep with and it's not like you should be worried. i mean you're not worried when i talk about how hot wayne is sometimes, like, you get me, so this is the same thing, right?? hey, lots of people are hot, eh?
max: .....baby, that was so painful. that's - there's a word for us, you know
bob: ....gays who appreciate girls sometimes???
bob: [internally] wait also he said 'us’
Max, takes a deep breath to center himself.
max: [patiently explains what a bisexual is]
max: *points to self* example A
max: *points to bob* example B
Bob just stares for a bit, processing.
bob: oh.
bob: haha.
bob: -tears up-
max: -pulls him in for a good long hug and an identity-affirming makeout session-
Anyway, eventually they do circle back around to Alicia, mostly b/c she is totally Bob's celeb crush and the person he'd have put at the top of the 'if given the opportunity to sleep with them, you'd totally forgive me, right?' list. And she is also Max's 'The One Who Got Away'TM/the person he was always kind of convinced was gonna be the love of his life that he would secretly measure everyone else up to.
And Bob has actually gotten to know her as a person, and so would no longer put her on the list b/c that would be Awkward, but she is still totally bangin' and heyyyyyyyyyy you think she'd be down for a threesome?
Max: *spits out his drink again* WHAT
Max: you can't ask her that, that is so rude
Max: do you know how many bi women get asked for threesomes???
Bob: but it would be us
Bob: and different because i would be willing to let her watch us make out in exchange for watching you make out with her
Bob: which is different
Bob: this is done out of love not shallow pervertedness
Max: *raises a brow*
Bob: ok some pervertedness
Max: also!!! we can't let her know that i fucking outed her!!
Bob: but that was to me?
Max: oh yes to my idiot boyfriend, like that's any better
Bob: but who would i tell??
Max: it's the spirit of the thing!! also if you ask for a fricking threesome, it's like i specifically outed her just so we could have one!!
Bob: hm. that would look bad, eh
Bob: how about we just pretend i don't know, and ask
Bob: here, i'll say it like so, 'heyyyyyy, you wanna have a threesome with me and my boyfriend? he'll make us pancakes after ;) ;) ;)’
Bob: there!
Max: why am i in love with you
More shenanigans ensue, but rest assured, these awkward bisexual boyfriends eventually do manage to convince bisexual Alicia Owens to join their ranks. ;D
Contribution from Julorean:
Sometime in the future, Bitty goes to meet Jack's parents and he's ??? at this man...is he cuddling Bob?? what's going on? And Alicia is just like, "lol his looks aren't the only thing he gets from his dad. They're both awkward bisexuals," as she sips wine.
Max: you say that like you aren't
Alicia: *tips up sunglasses* i'm not. i'm an awesome bisexual.
Bob, quietly: i love her so much
That’s all I have for now, but I decided to share anyway, cause hey, some of this is actually pretty funny. Dunno when or where I’ll get around to fleshing it out fully, but to borrow from that one great tumblr post, Bi Bad Bob and Bi Alicia Zimmermann are totally peak wlw and mlm solidarity, and that’s a fact. ^^
Do you have any head canons for when zimbits meets each other's parents? Or when the parents meet each other?
<3
Yeeesssssss. All of the above.
---
**When Bitty meets Jack’s parents:
Ok Jack’s parents are giant nerds, but like they both are public figures and know how to act. They’ve been holding back up until this moment, when they finally get to meet Bitty.
It’d probably be Bitty coming over to Jack’s house, so they wouldn’t have to worry about hiding. It’d probably also be a holiday, which just so happened to fall on a weekend, and both Bitty and Jack are free.
Bitty is nervous, just like he was with meeting the Falconers. He brings so many pies and random deserts. He worried over his outfit for a week. Jack was a supportive boyfriend and helped him pick out his outfit and bake, but also helped him not get too anxious.
Bob and Alicia are all smiles and very like soft at first, trying not to scare Bitty off (theyre both Extra AF usually). Over dinner, they all have some wine and Bitty is starting too loosen up when Alicia asks him about his recipe for the pie.
Then Bob slips up and mentions something that’s clearly a reference to a video Bitty made in the past.
There’s a moment and Bitty looks at Bob and is like, questioning but not sure how to ask.
Bob caves. He can’t keep this up. “I’m not gonna lie, I watched all of your videos. Alicia and I both did. We think you’re wonderful and have been dying to meet you. Also, honestly your videos made me cry a few times. I told myself i was only going to watch a few but I definitely watched all of them, not all with Alicia, and I just.” He shrugs. “I’m a stan.”
Bitty blushes and laughs a lot. This breaks the ice entirely. Everything else goes great, Bob instantly adds Bitty into the family group text. Bitty now has both of them on snapchat and like he and Alicia are besties. Forever.
**When Jack meets Bitty’s parents:
They actually met over Skype first. That’s how Bitty came out to his parents and like a few weeks later they meet Jack. It’s a bit nerve-wracking for both of them but Coach is so impressed, but also is like “Of course my son could land an NHL star. He’s my son.”
The first time they meet in person is over the summer then, during Fourth of July of course.
This is also when Jack’s parents come down to meet Bitty’s parents
Everyone knows about Bitty. Well, most people do and if not they probably are distant. MooMaw is so supportive and loves Bitty a lot and is so excited to meet his “handsome hockey boyfriend”. Some of his aunts and uncles might not be, and some really don’t like it at all, but his parents and grandma are always there for him and that helps a lot.
Fourth of July is the obvious date to go down again. Coach and Suzanne encourage Bitty to invite Jack’s parents as well.
So Jack and Bitty and Bob and Alicia all fly together. Bob and Alicia rent a car and they drive to Bitty’s house.
Bob and Suzanne actually get along really well and so do Coach and Alicia. Like they all get along but this is where the friendships are (cause Bob can cook and honestly we don’t know much about Alicia but I think this girl loves like a lot of sports and played like soccer and stuff in high school so her and Coach get along super well talking sports and stuff)
It’s all wonderful and Suzanne loovvess that she can tell her old friends that she is now good friends with Bad Bob Zimmermann - her high school crush.
Has somebody written a fic where Chowder, Farmer, Nursey, and Dex do a stereotypical Florida spring break?
They go boogey boarding at the beach, go dancing at clubs and visit Margaritaville where they drink margaritas the size of their heads.
Farmer accidentally enters some beach volleyball tournament and wins while the guys cheer her on and celebrate with tequila shots. She wins a bottle of rum, so they immediately go out and buy several two liter bottles of Coke and drain it in one night because they can’t take it back on the plane.
They have sandcastle making competitions (Nursey and Dex vs Farmer and Chowder) which ends with Dex getting buried in the sand because the fucker has a level on his keychain and using that is cheating.
Chowder buys a cheap plastic snorkel and spends an entire afternoon snorkeling while Farmer takes photos of sea turtle nests. They all write their names in the sand and take silly pictures to send to the rest of their friends back home.
They do the Captain Morgan pose every. single. place. they. can. It becomes an entire album on Facebook.
Derek buys a bunch of bottles to fill with sand and seashells to make for his sister and his moms, running out into the ocean several times shrieking “COME BACK” when a particular shell he wanted gets swept up in the tide. Miraculously he only slipped once.
Dex nearly gets them thrown out of a restaurant for excessive complaining about the lobster. If you’re gonna spring for lobster, it better be damn good lobster and THIS WAS NOT DAMN GOOD LOBSTER.
They go nuts at the chintzy souvenir stands, buying matching dudebro shell necklaces to wear ironically, fridge magnets that are also bottle openers, and novelty shotglasses.
They come home and Dex is peeling and moaning in pain from sunburn, Nursey’s lost his sunglasses and somehow has seashells and sand in every pocket, Chowder’s broken the strap on his sandals and almost busted his braces on a giant airport Toblerone, and Caitlin’s ears have turned green from the shell earrings she bought and cracked her phone screen.
Sure, there are the ghosts, and Johnson breaks the fourth wall. No one questions those (except Ransom, who holds firm to ghosts not being real).
But there are other, small pieces of magic tucked in. The quarter that stops perfectly in the crack in the floorboards. The pies that always come out just the way Bitty wants them to no matter how much time he has in the Haus kitchen. And unless something is wrong, unless the mood is disturbed, Bitty never drops one of them. The way leaves always cling to Nursey, like he’s static charged, or like the wind and the earth are drawn to him. The way the Haus’ roof always seems to hold exactly as much weight as it needs to, even when it shouldn’t be structurally sound enough to hold the weight of four or five hockey boys and their much smaller manager. A little bit of love in the jam that makes Jack warm and happy and calm when he’s going through his pre-game ritual, a feeling he notices most when it was jam he got from Bitty.
There are things that none of them understand but that they accept, because everyday magic is more literal than figurative at Samwell.
In honor of JLZ's birthday today have some headcanons,,,,,,,,,, probably nsfw sorry. (Wow ok this took a lot longer than expected I'm so sorry) Likes to run his hands over his bare skin, the tactile sensation really calms him and he likes the feel of hair as he gently runs his hands over his body. Grabs his own ass a lot just to feel some connection to when he was young and fat. He gets a flush of pleasure whenever someone mentions his ass. Feels cool if he can act nonchalant about any injury. Is such a sub, but like a bratty one?? Like he loves getting bossed around and taken care of but he's gonna talk back and try your patience just because he can. Really enjoys plugs and other toys and likes to use them near mirrors because who wouldn't want that view. Has probably stayed in a hotel with mirrored ceilings at least once,,,,,,,, Doesn't actually like maple that much but anything Bitty makes tastes great especially when it's made specifically for you. Has four dogs at his parents house and all of them are big enough to crush him, they're all rescues and mutts. Know almost nothing about cars. Has a peanut butter milkshake every Thursday to treat himself. Happy birthday Jack!
