Bi Bad Bob Headcanons
So I promised @sergeantsexface that I’d write her a fic as a thank you for being the best beta & cheer-reader anybody could ask for, and she wanted a Bi Bad Bob fic. This is not that fic, but it is the brainstorming for it, so I guess it counts as bullet-point fic, or not!fic that will someday become actual fic!
Anyway, please have it. This is set in TACSOL, which is my fic where there are multiple universes and the Stanley Cup can send you hopping through them if it so chooses.
So, imagine Bob, shortly after breaking up with Alicia Owens and winning the Stanley Cup for the 2nd time, getting absolutely wasted and waking up the day after his Cup Day next to a guy.
A naked guy.
A naked guy who is also spooning his ex-girlfriend/love of his life/fuck-she’s-totally-going-to-be-The-One-Who-Got-Away-isn’t-she?
She’s also naked.
Bob: [quietly] The fuck.
---
Someday I’m going to write a silly oneshot featuring Bad Bob turned into a literal penguin, but I seriously already daydream about Bad Bob universe-hopping in the late ‘80s and just--trying to get back home Like, how did he even meet the witch who helped him with the communication spell? How did alternate bob take breaking up with Alicia?? On that hand, how does original bob take alternate bob apparently having both a girlfriend and a boyfriend who used to play in the AHL before an injury took him out???
Imagine:
Alternate Alicia: wait we broke up???
Max, their boyfriend: why would you do that, is it just you and me now??? i feel like we lost 80% of our common sense and survival instincts, i’m not liking the sound of this
Bob: you and i aren't even dating
Max: you broke up with both of us? omg pls tell me alicia took me with her
Bob: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE
Alicia: O.o. but he. literally introduced us???
Alicia: how did you meet me in your universe???
Bob: i shot a commercial in the same studio you were filming Boudicca: The Warrior Queen????
Bob: [apologetically, to Max] i don't know you from adam, sorry
Max: WAIT I'M NOT DATING EITHER ONE OF YOU????
Bob: .....no?
Max: WHAT
Alicia: ...i can't help but feel the other Bob isn't taking this well right now
Meanwhile...
Alt!bob, outside alicia's doorway: take me baaaaaaaaaaack
Alt!bob: Max, Ally, I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyy
Alt!bob: don't marry each other without meeeeeeeeeeee
Alicia, sticking her head out: [annoyed and deeply puzzled] Who the hell is Max????
Alt!bob: is he not in there with you??? did i screw this up so badly even you two broke up?????? WHAT DID I DO I'LL FIX ITTTTTT
[Shenanigans ensue]
---
But before that! How do the Zimmparents OT3 meet???
Ok, so picture this: alternate Alicia actually meets alternate Bob because Max, a real good friend of hers from high school, takes her to a hockey game. He's been out of hockey for about a year at that point, and is finally able to go and watch a game w/o wanting to cry tears of rage and sadness, and Alicia is coming along as moral support.
Fun fact: she has never been to a professional NHL hockey game before, and only ever saw high school games and practices with Max, but like. She loves Max. Was also secretly super into him for a while, but y'know. He was also dating a dude back then, so she figured he's not into girls, and even if he was, he probably wouldn’t be into her? He never showed an iota of interest, so. Well. She’s his friend, and she loves him, and she’s fine with what he can give her.
(He is into her, btw, they were just awkward oblivious bisexuals and missed each other’s signals, as they do.)
Aaaaaaaaanyway! There they are at the hockey game, Pens vs. Kings or Ducks or somewhere in the L.A. area, idk. (my friend has informed me the Ducks weren’t around until the ‘90s, so Kings it is!)
And - Alicia gets recognized.
They get to meet with some of the team afterwards b/c some of them are such HUGE fans of her show. *hint*hint*wink*wink*
So Bad Bob literally meets the loves of his life immediately post post-game interviews while sweaty and disheveled with tissues up his nose cause he got into several a fight.
And just - imagine poor Bad Bob.
Meeting this 6'5" hunk in a soft, dark blue shirt, all crooked smiles and callused hands, oh shit he's so hot
And ALSO meeting fricking ALICIA OWENS of Boudicca the WARRIOR QUEEN fame!!! She's been his celeb crush for the last three months, he cannot believe the fricking interns managed to get her backstage.
Like - there is SO MUCH HOTNESS HERE Y'KNOW
But hot dude - "Call me McCaffrey" (Bob thinks, 'more like McFuck Me') - hot dude has his arm sort of around Alicia's shoulders?? And she keeps on pushing him towards everybody and just beaming at him when he gets excited talking to people??? (Also he apparently played hockey??? He sounds so knowledgeable, omg, even if he's one of those dude who thinks a strong defense makes the best offense, wtf, it's the other way around, obviously, but okaaaaaaayyyyyy, he makes some good points, Bob is willing to forgive him if he keeps on shrugging his shoulders like that.)
Anyway, obviously this is Alicia's boyfriend. And Alicia is McCaffrey's girlfriend. So, like. They're definitely fucking each other. Which. Makes Bob so jealous, but is also a very hot image, he did not know Alicia Owens was into hockey guys
But also, like, what a hockey guy. He's so awesome and gentlemanly, and Bob thinks the dude's laugh is really cool. He gets to hear it a bunch that night, b/c Bob being Bob smoothly asks them to show him around L.A. (lol, he’s never actually gone further than five miles from whatever hotel the team stashed them in) and Alicia's like 'sure! why not? you were entertaining'
Max: ally, he was brilliant
Alicia: [smiling softly and teasingly at him, her blond hair haloed by the street lights] sure, sure, i'm sure you're completely right
Bob: -dying inside from a combination of being called brilliant and getting to see Alicia Owens, literal goddess, agreeing with the guy calling him brilliant-
Anyway, they get Bob's number, and Bob gets theirs, and I actually think Max/Bob happens first??? Mainly b/c Max actually lives out in Pittsburgh most of the year so that's great for them to meet up, get to know each other better, etc.
And just - Alicia's really happy for them. She is. She's glad Max is doing so much better, this is awesome. She’ll just - she’ll be over here, drowning in loneliness and heartbreak, haha.
Meanwhile, Bob is just marveling at his luck because he totally thought he didn't have a chance??? Like, jokingly one day he says to Max, 'Did you know i thought you wouldn't go for me b/c you and Ally were a thing?' (He's so hyped that he gets to call THE Alicia Owens that. They're friends, it's the coolest!!)
Cue Max spitting out his drink.
Max: WHAT. you thought. omg you thought??? omg NOOOOOOO, she is too good for the likes of me, i would never dare, i can't believe you thought that, i am mortified -
Bob: uh, well, i thought it was pretty obvious that -
Max: oh my GOD, you think my crush was obvious - do you think she knew - do you think she noticed - i can't show my face to her anymore - WHAT MUST SHE THINK
Bob: - that she was into you
Max: what
Bob: what
[twenty minutes of furious arguing ensues]
max: how can you think that! she's not into jocks omGGG
bob: but like isn't she???
max: well, girl jocks, sure, but guy jocks -
bob: what
max:
max: oh shit
max: let's pretend i did not say that
bob: she's.....she likes girls???
bob: is that a thing
max: BOB
bob: i don't mean is girls liking girls a thing! i meant, like.....liking both, haha. or did she like girls in high school and just grow out of it?
max: that's?? not how this works???? i mean, sometimes, but in this case no?
bob: but i'm pretty sure she likes you now, so she must like guys now
max: .....
max: babe, what do you think i am exactly
[beat]
bob: my boyfriend???
[another beat]
max: ok, yeah, good answer
max: BUT REALLY
bob: uhhh, I guess we're, y'know. gay.
max: *sudden realization that the most flaming bisexual he knows has no clue he's bisexual*
max: BABE WHAT
max: BABE NOT TO PUT WORDS IN YOUR MOUTH OR ANYTHING BUT YOU LITERALLY POP A BONER WHENEVER MEG RYAN'S ONSCREEN YOU'RE NOT GAY
bob: haha, that's just being in denial tho. or like. picking a girl you think is hot. i'm with you now, so i don't think girls are hot anymore. or like. well. i shouldn't? i don't think they're as hot as you are, like, i guess maybe i'd tap that, but only as a metaphorical thinggie, not like actually and obviously i think you're hotter and you're the only person i'd sleep with and it's not like you should be worried. i mean you're not worried when i talk about how hot wayne is sometimes, like, you get me, so this is the same thing, right?? hey, lots of people are hot, eh?
max: .....baby, that was so painful. that's - there's a word for us, you know
bob: ....gays who appreciate girls sometimes???
bob: [internally] wait also he said 'us’
Max, takes a deep breath to center himself.
max: [patiently explains what a bisexual is]
max: *points to self* example A
max: *points to bob* example B
Bob just stares for a bit, processing.
bob: oh.
bob: haha.
bob: -tears up-
max: -pulls him in for a good long hug and an identity-affirming makeout session-
Anyway, eventually they do circle back around to Alicia, mostly b/c she is totally Bob's celeb crush and the person he'd have put at the top of the 'if given the opportunity to sleep with them, you'd totally forgive me, right?' list. And she is also Max's 'The One Who Got Away'TM/the person he was always kind of convinced was gonna be the love of his life that he would secretly measure everyone else up to.
And Bob has actually gotten to know her as a person, and so would no longer put her on the list b/c that would be Awkward, but she is still totally bangin' and heyyyyyyyyyy you think she'd be down for a threesome?
Max: *spits out his drink again* WHAT
Max: you can't ask her that, that is so rude
Max: do you know how many bi women get asked for threesomes???
Bob: but it would be us
Bob: and different because i would be willing to let her watch us make out in exchange for watching you make out with her
Bob: which is different
Bob: this is done out of love not shallow pervertedness
Max: *raises a brow*
Bob: ok some pervertedness
Max: also!!! we can't let her know that i fucking outed her!!
Bob: but that was to me?
Max: oh yes to my idiot boyfriend, like that's any better
Bob: but who would i tell??
Max: it's the spirit of the thing!! also if you ask for a fricking threesome, it's like i specifically outed her just so we could have one!!
Bob: hm. that would look bad, eh
Bob: how about we just pretend i don't know, and ask
Bob: here, i'll say it like so, 'heyyyyyy, you wanna have a threesome with me and my boyfriend? he'll make us pancakes after ;) ;) ;)’
Bob: there!
Max: why am i in love with you
More shenanigans ensue, but rest assured, these awkward bisexual boyfriends eventually do manage to convince bisexual Alicia Owens to join their ranks. ;D
Contribution from Julorean:
Sometime in the future, Bitty goes to meet Jack's parents and he's ??? at this man...is he cuddling Bob?? what's going on? And Alicia is just like, "lol his looks aren't the only thing he gets from his dad. They're both awkward bisexuals," as she sips wine.
Max: you say that like you aren't
Alicia: *tips up sunglasses* i'm not. i'm an awesome bisexual.
Bob, quietly: i love her so much
That’s all I have for now, but I decided to share anyway, cause hey, some of this is actually pretty funny. Dunno when or where I’ll get around to fleshing it out fully, but to borrow from that one great tumblr post, Bi Bad Bob and Bi Alicia Zimmermann are totally peak wlw and mlm solidarity, and that’s a fact. ^^
