It’s 2010 bitch!!!
written also with @spacetaemin, @5hineesback, @choitaemins and @sabakunocasali (and probably many others)
“Minho shoot the ball” yelled super jock Kim Jonghyun as he ran down the footballl field. Minho, baseball in hand, hit the soccer ball so hard it become a touchdown. Everyone in the audience cheered but especially Taemin, long haired bb child innocent my son,,,doesn’t know a damn thing about anything. Evry1 thinks hes a girl but rly hes just feminine and cute and clueless!
Sitting next to Taemin was his best-friend-but-also-pseudo-mother, Kim Kibum, better known as “Key Umma.”
“I did it I got a homerun!!!” Choi Minho, the coolest jock in school, yelled as he ran on the track. He locked eyes w/ his super beautiful girlfriend, Yuri. She was so hot and he wsa really heterosexual and straight. Nothing would ever change that!!!!
Jonghyun, the token gay on the Sports team, immediately ran to his boyfriend in the stands, Key. The two embraced lovingly, proclaiming their love in front of the entire school because apparently homophobia isnt a thing and high schcool is just Amazing. They were the only Gays (Trademark) in the entire school (a/n: or so everyone Thought!!!!! Wink wink!!!!), and everyone knew that they Loved each other So Deeply that they would probably get married right after graduation. (a/n: jonghyun is thinking of proposing right after the game!!! He has a ring in jock strap and everything!!)
Minho looked on, disgusted. How could they possibly be okay wit THAT? He knew deep down he was truly homophobic. Minho hated gays!!! Suspicious that no one ever questioned why…
The next day they had to go to science class because it’s school and that’s what happens sometimes. Of course this was only for Loser kids, and Kim “Straight” Jonghyun wasnt One of those kids. He didnt even go to school he just sat in the basketball courts and pretended. He was cooler than That
Minho was still in class though because he was even cooler than Jonghyun and the coolest kids break the expectations of what’s expected of them. He sat in sciencey class ignoring the teacher. He scribbled down his favorite cereal recipes to pass the time.
Meanwhile, sitting int he back of the class was Taemin, even though he and minho aren’t even in the same grade. Taemin scribbled Minho’s name in little hearts all over his notebook, slamming it clsoed as loud and dramatically as possible when his teacher called him out for not paying attention.Minho didnt even know taemin Existed, let alone that he was a…..boy.. (and minho, as established, is not A Gay..he couldnt be!.. ..
Minho looked up at this. “Who’s That Girl” by EXID played in the background as Minho looked at Taemin for the first time...who WAS this boi? And WHY did he want to know? There’s no possible way that this literal nobody could make Minho question himself
The bell rang, and now it’s lunch because of course lunch happens right after the only class of the day. Taemin went to sit with Key Umma and Kim “Call Me Appa” Jonghyun at their usual lunch table (which was the only place at school jonghyun would actually go because usually hed be sitting alone in a basketball court). Taemin had lunch from home, because he would never eat the gross Cafeteria food that was served. Of course his Key Umma made the lunch for him since Taemin didn’t knwo how to make lunch at all. Taemin sipped on his 2 liter jug of banana milk(through a bendy straw courtesy of Key Umma) and innocently hummed a tune, blissfully unaware of the tragedies that occur in daily life.
“Life i s so good ummma” taemin said happily with a ray of sunshine coming down onto him from the window. Coincidentally, the sun also shines straight out of his asshole, and sometimes, a rainbow. “I don’t think anything can go wrong ever”
Just then!!! Minho, carrying his tray of Cafeteria food, tripped and fell and dropped all of his food right on Taemin’s head!!!
Key immediately stood up to defend his perfect pure virgin son, screeching at Minho for corrupting him with his School Food!!! Taemin didn’t even know what food was!! How dare Minho do this to him/!!!
“*sorry in Korean*” apologized Minho but Key umma was not having it. He hit Minho over the head with a his gucci bedazzled rhinestone purse, careful not to damage his perfectly manicured nails which no one at this school questioned, because he was the Queen Bee (and Shin Sekyung WASN’T) who everyone Feared.
Key immediately turned to Jonghyun, slapping his shoulder and saying, “Protect your Son!!!111!!”
Jonghyun, conflicted between defending his son’s honor and offending his Star Teammate, could only sit and now know what to do.
“Uwu it’s ok key ummma i-i can just go wash this off” taemin said as he poured banana milk on his head as a makeshift shower of sorts. Minho escorted him to the water fountains, dribbling a basketball as he did at literally all times ever.
“Minho oppa what’s basketball” taemin innocently asked.
“Ball is life” was the reply, Minho looking soulfully at the ceiling as if staring into the very eyes of god
“Ooooooh! That sounds so fun! Oppa-HYUNG you’re so dedicated and tall and amazing and I’m so...me” he said, sunshine still falling on him even though they were indoors, with the first hint of disappointment he’s ever shown in his whole Kawaii, Clueless life.
“Just you?” Minho yelled, dribbling his basketball faster. “NO”
“wae”
“Taemin you are so...kawaii” minho didn’t realize he said the words until he said them. A single tear rolled down his cheeks as he let himself realize...Taemin neomu yeppeo. He didnt want to admit it….but could these doki dokis…..be gay doki dokis????? It couldnt be. He continued dribbling.
“Minho ophyung..” taemin said dreamily as he stared into his chocolate orbs. This was it...he had fallen in love with the coolest jock in the school! But how could this happen? Taemin was just a lowly science nerd who even thoough was extremely pretty and beautiful nobody @ school liked him except for Key umma (and jonghyun but again, did he really evene go to this school? How old even is he???? Does he havea home?)
Minho pushed taemin away. “Taemi i’m not gay okay and also...you’re in the sciencwe club. That’s fucking dumb” “Bbut……...hyoppa………...without science would ball still be life?”
“Ball is ALWAYS life!!!1!” Minho shouts in his face. Still dribbling.
“What if it isn’t??” Taemin challenged Minho’s way of life for the first time.”Without science, you wouldn’t even HAVE life!!”
This was too much thinking for Minho’s basketball brain to handle. Suddenly, he felt like he was going to explode. Key Umma hoped he would explode. “What if…..” taemin started, shakily, already in tears, “what if you’re–” “N O” minho answered, sprinting away with his long, gazelle like legs.
“What if…..ur my life……...hyoppa”
Minho was too far away to hear the tragic confession….
KEY’S POV
Today I’m wearing a gucci bedazzled purse, ripped jeans that has a cheetah print on them with black lace at the ends, red converse which have mud all over them from marching band even tho i don’t play an instrument, that’s only for preps! EW! (I dont march either, wwalking is too much work! They carry me on the drums because everyone fucking loves me and worships me like a god, but anyways) My diamond studded earings shone gracefully in the wind as I walked to the stupid jock-ey school holding the hands of the HOTTEST BOY I’VE EVER MET my boyfriend jonghyun! He has an eightpack and literally LIVES in a basketball court. Jonghyun isn’t just my boyfriend he’s also my bitch
Suddenly, Shin Sekyung. And bees. What a stupid whore I hate her because she gets in the way of me and Jjongie!!! Also she has 30 boyfriends already, because shes a prep and a slut, and i only have three! Well, three counting all of jonghyun’s edgy personalities. At least two and a half are straight.
Shin Sekyung and her prep friends look at me. I put my middle finger up at them. I continue making out w my beautiful, hot bf and ignore them.
“What the hell are you doing you motherfuckers!!” Lee Sooman yelled as he ran across the campus, angrily shaking his fists.
“Oh no” Jonghyun said wearing his hot Good Charlotte shirt that I bought for him because I love Good Charlotte and MCR. Gerard Way is soooooooo hot. But not as hot as Jonghyun
“Key umma what’s going on” asked Taemin innocently as he tripped over his -2 sized shoes and fell onto the ground and dropped his banana milk. I had to protect my son from the stupid preps who go to this school that doesn’t even have any real emos in it. Sad!
I ran towards my baby careful not to get my $200 pedicure ruined by the grass
“My lil bab are u okay????? U lil innocent soul” I said as I pet his hair
“Umma what’s gay i don’t know what’s this is!”
I starts screaming that someone has corrupted his baby, even though he himself is the MotherGay, and he cradles Taemin’s perfect little cherub head close to his chest and tells him that he doens’t need to know what a penis is.
“That is only for grown ups!!!! You're too young bby” I said as I shook my head
“I went on the internet with my parents permission last night and looked it up but I just got confused! What’s a penis i don’t?? UNDERSTAND”
I SCREAMED
“TAEBBY YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT PENISES!!!”
“BUT UMMA I THINK I HAVE ONE!!!”
“YOU DONT KNOW THAT! GO TO BED!” “Wwe;re at schcool” he sobbed
“TAEMIN GO TAKE A NAP IT’S NAP TIME FOR SWEET INNOCENT LITTLE BBYS”
I heard balls dibidibidribbling in the distance, getting close and closer. I turned my head it was Minho with at least 50balls!
Minho was such a stupid prep and I put my middle finger up at him. “Go away minho” i yelled sexily, “you must be the reason for my small baby child son’s corruption……...
Minho sneered “psh yea i got a functioning diccccc”
“Umma,” taemin piped up from his nap, “i think my penis likes minho”
“Taemin i’ve” minho started “i’ve come to terms w/ it..i’m Gay but only for you!!!! And only because you look like a girl with your hair!! My bae you’re so beautiful if you just wore contacts and wore a lil makeup..i wanna fuck you btw. But its not gay its just you! Because ur basically a girl!”
Taemin blushed and swept a strand of his long hair away from his face. “Gomawo…. Oppa.. hyung…. What is a fuck? Can you teach me?”
Kibum SCREETCHED and ascended to another plain of reality away from the preps. Hes not dead but like, hes basically in gods hands now
MINHO’S POV
Taemins so hot I wanna have sex with him but from behind so I can pretend he’s a girl. Suddenly i got phone call from my girlfriend yuri who i completely forgot about! She squealed about how hot i was at my lacrossesoccerketball game and then asked something that i didnt care about and then hung up. I went downstairs to cook up my signature “cereal”
I put bananas and honey and spiders and a little bit of granola in it to make it into the perfect meal. I knew Yuri would love it. When did yuri get here? I dont know. I have no sense of what time is, and ive heard its fake anyways so its cool
“Taemin here’s your meal- oh no i mean yuri!!!!!!” yikes!!!!!!!!!
Taemin started crying “minho hyoppadeul what are spiders..why are you doing this to me”
I had to pretend like I didn't know what he was talking about I had to bully him because I have gay feelings that need to be pressed back in my head until i can believe they dont exist anymore because im not gay? Whats a gay? Ive never Heard of that! Shut up
Now I’m back at school, because I don’t know hwy I ever left in the first place, but I have to start bullying Taemin!!! In front of everyone!! No one can know that i am Part of a Gay. mostly the dick part because thats the manliest part
“Fuck you taemin” i said while breaking his arm just by breathing on it. I felt a little bad but then I remembered my social status is really important for my lacrosse scholarship and I’ll only get the $5 in financial aid if I’m the coolest person in school so……………….
I dibidibidribbled a baseball in one hand and pushed Taemin intoa trashcan with the other, smirking the entire time as the rest of the entire student body Laughed at him !! haha!!
Key appeared from behind the trashcan. “HOW DAR E YOU HURT MY PRECIOUS SON”
“Umma what’s death i hear it calling for me” taemins tiny bb eye s blurred with tiny tears..he was hurt and beautiful
Key umma rushes to Taemin’s side and pulls him out, pointing a manicured finger straight at Minho’s face.
“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU YOU STUPID fucking PREP” Key screeches!! He puts up his nails like a cat, having recently got them redone to be Sharp. “knock it off you mediocre dunces!!!!” Lee Sooman yelled from across the hall. He used his special principal powers to teleport us to the prinipals office which was his office actually so it was convenient in many different ways!!
Key takes his gucci purse and WHACKS me in the eyeball with it!
“ANI!” I screamed as my contact fell out and glasses magically appeared onto my face. I hid my disgusting face. Nobody could know that I swear vglasses i wanna fuckin diE
“NOW I’M AN UGLY STR8 not gay NERD!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!”
Taemin starts crying, because he thinks his miinho hyoppa thinks he’s ugly because he wears Glasses like a NErd. Taemins half dead corpse whispered from the floor, “omo…..i………...wear glasses too Hyungpa..”
“Taemin my soul mate,,,” i reached out to grab taemins hand in my pinky finger because he’s so small. “I want to tell you i- I am only part of a “gay” for you”
Taein cried “wgat is part of gay...are you a buy of sexual?”
“Yes,” minho whispers, “i’m buying a sexual… my peen…. Lovs u….”
“Minho hyoppa” taemin croaks from his half dead state “what’s a peen?”
“GODDAMMIT TAEMIN” KEY SCREAMS “YOU CAN’T KNOW WHAT A PEEN IS”
“Is it what i have?” taemin reaches down to show key the extra leg he thought he had in his pants. Between his legs wasn’t a penis but….is that senator Bernie Sanders??!?!?!??!?!
Minho gasps. “Here’s how Bernie can still win!!!”
Then Minho dribbled a basketball into the distance with Taemin hanging off of the ball.
“It’s time to dibidibidie, taemin”
“What’s a die?” taemin asked
Key umma could be heard yelling in the distance, but MInho was already dribbling Taemin into the light. As they approached what was (probably) heaven, and not just a hallucination due to taemins pain meds which were actually just bird seeds(key umma would never let him take real drugs!! Those are DANGEROUS!!), krystal, aka G O D, appeared unto them and stated her wisdom,
“Taekai is real..minho who?”
“Whos kai this is 2010”
“I’m from the future and you’re gay” “Whats gay”
“Sorry did i say kai i mean...nickhyun. Taenickhun is real”
Suddenly onew appeared eating chicken, trippping ovr everything.
Taemin looked at him and gasped. “Hyung… i havent seen you in years… since you died in the skeleton war………..“
“I was off raising a heavenly chicken farm!! I’m marying a fried chicken leg!! Pls come to my wedding in Chicken Heaven” onew said
“ENOUGH” said Krystal aka G O D as she clapped her thunderous hands, obliterating Onew from existence. He doesn’t belong in 2minjongkey universe.
Taemin started crying. “Where did hyung go, minho hyoppa?”
“Taemin…” Minho said, trying to shield his tiny bf from the pains of death but ultimately failing to do so. “Sometimes people jst fucking leave ok. Jsut like my dad”
“But minho we just went to heaven and god didnt let me die”
“God doesnt let angels die”
Taemin wings grew just then...it was then that everyone remembered he was a Literal Angel. A literal angel. Actually.
“Is this why you didn’t know anything about sex?” Minho asks.
“The only sex ed in heaven is Abstinence” taemin tells him “so you’re going to hell”
“Well damn can we fix that” minho asked, still fucking dribbbling a basketball. Or something
“But hyoppa i don’t know how to sex you have to teach me ;) bb”
Key materialized from the got damn toilet, previously having brunch with GOD, and clapped his sparkly magenta, not green bcs green is for dicks(except jonghyuns dick bcos key liked that one) manicured hands twice, transporting them to who fucking knwos “LISTEN BITCH” Shin Sekyung roared as she tore out Key’s sparkly pink hair extensions. Key tried to hit Sekyung (jfc poor girl i can see her funeral) with his gucci purse but missed, flinging it into the distance as he screamed.
Key turned, telling his super hot muscular popular bad-boy boyfriend Jjong to tell this Prep Bitch Shin Sekyung that he was dating Key now!!! And she needed to get her Prep Ass away from him!! “Jonghyun. Buy me a new purse” key said to his boyfriend, flicking his hair in a diva-ish manner and bounced his soft hips (i read something like this in a fanfic holy shit)
Event hough Jonghyun is still in high school and never goes to class and has no job, he has rich ass parents, so he can buy Key anything he wants. He pulls out his dad’s credit card and tells Key to pick out any purse he wants!!!
Key picks out the purse that those ugly preps would dislike the most, and makes a mental note to slap all of them with it.
Jonghyun buys the purse for him and gives it to his diva boyfriend. Then taemin appears.
“Umma i ran out of banana milk :( minho said i could drink his but i don’t know what he means… i didn’t see him with any milk” Key Umma started screeching into oblivion, and Jonghyun had to wave aroudn his credit card with promises of a new outfit to get him to calm down and come back to the mortal plain of existence.
That’s when Key Umma ran straight to Minho!!! That PREP had corrupted his baby!!!
“HE WAS INNOCENT U BITCH!!” Key screams in Minho’s face. “YOU TOLD HIM WHAT A PEEN IS!!”
Minho frowned, dribbling his basketball more aggressively hsi totally stoic cold face(trademark) existing.
“But he has a peen”
“THAT DOESN’T MEAN HE KNEW WHAT IT WAS!!1!!”
Taemin, sipping on a new bottle of banana milk that Jonghyun had pulled out of his ass for him, only shifted his eyes between his umma and his new (secret!!) boyfriend. Key Umma couldn’t know that Minho was his (secret!!) boyfriend! No one could know, because then everyone would know that Minho was part of a gay, and Minho didn’t want anyone to know that. He might lose his spot on the basketball team since Jonghyun is the only gay allowed!!!
“I didn’t tell him.” minho said. “Telling him might make people think… i’m a…. gay...w hich i’m not. I have a girlfriend her name is yuri. Shes really hot and i know this because i’m straight”
Taemin’s eyes filled with tears. “Hyoppa….”
Minho pushed Taemin into a trashcan again, the banana milk flying from Taemin’s hands and up into the air, only to open compeltely and spill onto the top of his head. His tears mixed with the banana milk flowing down his chubby baby cheeks. He couldn’t believe his Minho hyoppa would say he was a Straight.
“Key Umma, what is a straight?” Taemin asks through banana tears.
“I’M GOING TO KILL THAT PREP MINHO!!”
Key umma, finally so fed up with that DUMB PREP!! flew (a/n: very literally!!) at Minho, hitting him in the head with his brand new gucci purse!!
Minho’s brain popped straight out of his skull, and it was actually basketball this entire time!!!
Minho’s body was still working without it’s basketball brain, and so he reached over and started dibidibidribbling his basketbrain.
Suddenly Amy walked in she was so cool!! She’s an OC shh.
“Who are you?” key asked. “Another dumb prep?!!!! Are you here to steal my popular hot muscular jonghyun?”
(A/N buy press it on iTunes)
Suddenly, Amy hovered in the air and magicalyl turned into Shin Sekyung!!! THAT PRE P BITCH!!
Key threw his purse straight at that Prep Bitch’s head, killing Shin Sekyamy instantly. She ascended into Prep Heaven and haunted them all for the rest of eternity.
Suddenly, her soul turned into a piece of chicken. Onew appeared and picked up what was left, munching on it happily. “My kokoro goes dugeun dugeun for chicken” he said when he had finished.
Taemin gasped. “Hyung!!!!!!!! You’re back!!!!!” and then he started crying again, clutching minho’s shirt wetting it (with tears xdxdxd)
“I must go” onew said. “I need to finish marrying my chicken wife.” and without another word, he evaporated, leaving behind a trail of chicken grease and nuggets.
Out of sudden and behind the grease and dust the gucci slippers appeared.
Taemin gasped. “Hyoppa…. Look… they’re beautiful….”
Key took the slippers right off of Taemin’s feet and hit him over the head with them.
“DO NOT” Key screamed “DO THIS TO MY INNOCENT PERFECT BABY CHILD.”
“But I am your innocent perfect baby child” taemin stuttered, banana tears welling up in his eyes.
“THEN DO NOT,” KEY SCREAMED “DO THIS”
With that, Key disappeared into the void. To finally burn those shits
Taemin cried harder. “Hyoppa… why did he take them from me…. My kokoro is so sad… please make me happy again”
Minho kept dibidibidribbling his basketbrain.
Taemin didn’t seem to notice that Minho no longer had the top of his skull, which was where his basketbrain fell out of. It was okay, because Taemin loved his Minho hyoppa no matter what!!!
“Minho hyoppa…. Do you think… i’m a gay?”
“You can’t be a gay,” minho tells him. “Because i can’t be in love with a gay. I am a straight.”
Taemin starts crying. Key Umma can be heard screaming sassily from the Void(which now was pink)
“I can be the only gay on the basketball team” bling bling says.(a/n: bling bling is jonghyun xD)
Jonghyun, furious at the thought of not being the only gay on the team, shoves Minho away from him. In the Heat of the Moment, Jonghyun accidentally pushes Minho into Taemin!!! Minho was already dead, his body dribbling his basketbrain post-mortem, but Taemin, who was still alive, gets shoved into a trashcan for the last time. His head cracks open from hitting the edge of the trashcan, and a bottle of bananamilk spills out of his head. That was the end of Taemin, for he ascended into heaven so he could take his rightful place as Perfect Baby Virgin Angel of Heaven (trademark).
Jonghyun looks down at them sadly, a single tear rolling down his cheek. “Dibidibidis… his name was minho.”
Key, furious from his place in the void, literally fucking launches himself at Jonghyun, and the two of them blow up at the impact. A Gay Rainbow is left in their place, permanently.
Shin Sekyamy ressurrects from the dead, and she laughs maniacally. This had been her plan all along - to get them to all kill each other!!! Now she could be the Real Queen Bee!! Key Umma Whom???
Dibidibidone.
