between the heavens and the embers | bellamy blake
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summary: one girl gets imprisoned for an accident, her life destroyed and everything she loves destroyed and thrown away. instead of pondering suicide again, one day she gets placed on a drop ship to earth, where she is reunited with someone she never thought she would see again.
warnings: dark themes!! *very similar to glass’s storyline in the books* accidental pregnancy, mentions vomiting, forced abortion, self harm, attempted suicide, angst, tension, there is fluff i promise. bellamy calls reader venus, after the roman goddess of love, desire and beauty. octavia gets caught slightly earlier than in cannon.
“bellamy.” she held her breath as bellamy shushed her softly before placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, “we have some time still.” they really didn’t: it was already a few minutes past curfew and her mother would have her head if she got another warning about being out too late- especially with him. “bellamy, come on, we can’t get in any more trouble.” bellamy laughed softly, “you worry too much, princess… ten more minutes. we’re just looking at the stars… the worst they’ll do is scold us for losing track of time. besides, we’ve done more scandalous things together.” his dark, mischievous smirk was always successful at talking you into trouble. and he knew it. “fine, bell.” bellamy exhaled, a smug smirk on his lips as he felt his girl shift back against his chest, getting comfortable, “ten more minutes…”
bellamy walked her back to her room, like he always insisted on doing. her mother would scold her for being fifteen minutes late and not really mean it; she wouldn’t be surprised she was late, and she especially wouldn’t be surprised that her daughter was with him. bellamy was good with parents. really, he was. he always knew what to say- and what not to say- always a perfect, respectful gentleman. the fact that he was capable of breaking multiple beds and artfully muffling passionate screams was not relevant. “bellamy,” her mother greeted him before her own daughter, which got a playful look from bellamy. “you were pushing it tonight.” bellamy stepped through the door with a cautious look over his shoulder to check for guards, “sorry, mom… someone was pointing out and naming all the constellations.” bellamy gave her a playful look, knowing it was fully his fault they were late again. she just shrugged innocently, pleased that this was the worst trouble her mother assumed she got into.
bellamy had been her best friend long before they became something much more. she was the only one who knew about octavia, he was the only one who had been there to comfort them when her father died. bellamy had called her ‘mom’ from the beginning, because that’s what she quickly became to him. “are you staying here tonight?” bellamy’s eyes shifted to you, not sure if he could sleep here again, remembering the way you had begged his name earlier this morning. “oh, i should probably head back. but thank you...” her mom just smiled softly in response, “be careful walking back. i will vouch for you if you are seen. tell them you were fixing something for me.” bellamy nodded gratefully, turning his attention back to his girl. she looked up at him with a small smile, eyes wide whenever they took him in, “no goodnight kiss?” bellamy placed his hand against the doorframe, leaning down towards her, smugly. she smiled innocently, looking away as if pondering. “dark day for boyfriends everywhere, if yours of four years doesn’t get a kiss.” he was still smirking, playful, eyes sparkling. she looked at him in exasperation, laughing quietly to not rouse her mom back out from her room. she tilted her head up and bellamy leaned down to meet her the rest of the way. she smiled against the kiss, never ever getting used to him. bellamy kept one hand above him, steadying himself to tighten his other arm around her waist. his kisses always made her head spin; the way he towered over her, bending down to meet her with a muscled arm stretched out above her head or over her shoulder. “i love you,” he mumbled against your mouth, teasing you with the slightest flick of his tongue against your own. you hummed against him in response and he laughed at the way your knees almost gave out. “goodnight, blake.” she shoved him playfully for the teasing and then the laughing about her reaction. bellamy leaned in for one more gentle, agonizing kiss, “goodnight, venus.”
*.•
she woke up nauseous, cursing silently when it still wasn’t her period. her mother had noticed- she was sure she wouldn’t have noticed since she was still taking the rationed sanitary products and hiding them, so it at least looked like she was using them. she held her stomach, suddenly feeling dizzy as she stood. she was sure she had just eaten something questionable until the periods stopped coming. the first time she threw up, she began crying. no. no no no no no… they had always been careful- as careful as possible, that is, considering that was always a risk. god, she had been so stupid. so stupid and so reckless. and yet… she didn’t quite regret it. not at all, really. no. now was not the time to be thinking about that. shit. shit. this would have been inconvenient in any other circumstances, but on the ark it was highly illegal and deadly. on the ark, the mother would get locked up, the illegal, ‘non approved’ baby and the father killed. babies needed to only come from married couples- just one per couple- and they needed to be planned- and approved. even if she and bellamy were married- they weren’t- there had been no request or conversation with the council to approve bringing in another life, to insure there was enough resources and supplies for a baby and a new mom. “at least i beat teen pregnancy.” she muttered it stupidly to herself, head spinning as she tried pulling herself together. as she tried not to panic.
she might not be pregnant, an idiotic side of her brain argued in denial. bellamy would be the best father in the world, another part of her argued and the thought made her feel even more ill, she really couldn’t pick a better man to share something like that with with- god, how bellamy wanted to be a dad. someday. she fought off another wave of nausea, forcing the contents of her stomach to stay put, as if that would make the problem go away. she was sure her mom was already out for the day, as she stumbled around her quarters in a blind panic, cursing and beginning to hyperventilate. “shit, shit, shit. oh my god- oh hell, what do i do- whatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoido-“ she had to sit down, the room was spinning and her vision was blurry. the only person she wanted to talk to she absolutely couldn’t- especially not until she knew for sure.
and even then….
oh god, they would kill him.
this thought was enough to cause all the contents of her stomach to spill out, all over the floor. “no-“ her breathing got quicker, heart racing at a pace she knew wasn’t healthy. “no, no, no-“ bellamy would be floated if anyone found out. if- if she was pregnant. if. she forced herself to breathe, staring at the mess from her stomach in front of her. she needed to do something. she- she needed to know- she needed to plan- all she did was cry. hysterically, completely losing any amount of stability she still held. because deep down she knew. she knew… she could feel it- it was impossible, of course, physically and medically, but she swore she felt something warm deep in her belly. she stared at the wall, numb, panicked, hopeless, completely lost on what to do next. a knock on the door caused her to jump up so quickly her head throbbed. her eyes darted to the mess she had failed to get up and clean and she grabbed the nearest object- an unfortunate jacket hanging on a chair- and threw it over it, kicking at it desperately to wipe it up or at least cover it. she was too slow. bellamy had stepped through the door, smile dropping as soon as he saw her crouched on the floor.
“what happened?”
bellamy rushed to her side, face going pale when he saw the jacket, “you’re sick.” he was already helping her to her feet, ignoring her broken protests, “is it something you ate? do you have a fever?” bellamy placed a gentle hand against her forehead, “what’s wrong? tell me how you feel-“ she couldn’t look at him, as if this was somehow a one sided thing that was just her fault. “hey-“ his hand tilted her chin up, only growing more concerned when she didn’t respond, “tell me what’s wrong-“ she pushed out of his arms, cursing the tears that had stared again. she hadn’t said one word to him, hadn’t answered any of his questions, hadn’t even acknowledged him. it was making him crazy. bellamy always worried. he was worrying about her, about his sister. double the worry, all the time, even when it wasn’t warranted. “talk to me, please.” the fear in his voice nearly broke her, the way his voice shook and sounded on the edge of tears. “i’m okay, bell.” she forced the words out, hallow, flat, a complete lie. she could never get away with hiding any emotion with him. he knew her too well, always noticing the tiniest off tone, or the way you wouldn’t quite meet his eyes. bellamy was perceptive. always observant, always noticing everything. when it came to her, it was dialed to one hundred. sometimes she hated it… especially when he seemed to read her thoughts.
her hand was on her stomach, rubbing it, absentmindedly, foolishly- as if feeling the baby. bellamy stepped in front of her, hand on her wrist, stopping her pacing. his eyes snapped down to her hand, the flat palm against her stomach, the anxious twitching of her fingers. bellamy’s eyes met her own, glossy, dark, intense. he knew. somehow. bellamy stepped back, as if shocked, “when.” her eyes dropped to the floor, staring at it as if it could help her. “look at me.” his voice was firm, still gentle but demanding enough to get her attention, “when did you find out?” she shook her head, tears starting again, “i- i don’t-“ “i need you to help me out, sweetheart. when did you find out?” “i- i haven’t. not..officially, but-“ bellamy exhaled slowly, both hands resting securely on her shoulders, “okay… let me take care of that, okay? we will find out for sure first, before we do anything. alright?” his voice was so soft she could have cried. all she managed was a nod, but that was enough. “what can i do? do you need anything?” she opened her mouth but the only thing that came out was a sob. “hey-“ bellamy opened his arms just barely before she was buried against his chest, sobbing once again. bellamy just held her, tightly, silent as his jaw set tightly against his own negative thoughts. he knew what would happen to him if this got out. if she was…. he couldn’t even think about that right now. she was the one he was worried about. she was the one that needed him right now. “we will figure this out, alright?” she couldn’t even nod as she choked out another sob against his now tear stained chest. “we are together in this.” his arms tightened around her like a promise. “this is my fault. i will figure it out. i will-“ he couldn’t say fix it; there was nothing to fix. in any other world this would be his dream. “this isn’t your fault…” bellamy almost didn’t hear her. her voice shook, sounding broken and distant but still there. “it took two, bellamy. you are not blaming yourself for this. and you are not saying anything.” she didn’t lift her head from his shirt as bellamy spoke, “we could apply to get married. then apply to start a family- we’ll just say the baby is early, we-“ they were twenty one. but even if the council approved a union, they would never approve for a baby- not with the resource crisis, or the air crisis.
“no.” she pulled her head away from him, looking up at him with a puffy face. “that will never work…” bellamy knew it was true, but he wouldn’t let this happen. not without a fight. “we have to try! we have to do something-“ they both knew there was nothing either one of them would ever be able to do against their broken and corrupt system. not here. not as long as they were on the ark… “first i need to get a test.“ she didn’t sound like herself; knowing it was hopeful to even pretend it wouldn’t be positive. “you have to get approved for—“ she pushed out of his arms and turned towards the door, “i know a guy. stay here…” bellamy gaped at her, clearly not done with the conversation, and slightly concerned about her going off by herself right now. he knew better than to argue though, knowing he would have to trust her.
monty sat in the dining hall beside his usual co-conspirer, jasper. both boys perked up as she approached, not having seen her since they had annoyed her when she still went to school. she was quite a lot older than them, and therefore, quite a lot cooler. “do you need drugs?” jasper blurted it out before she could even sit down. she almost laughed as she sat in between them, “wouldn’t hurt right now, but no.” monty glanced around to make sure no one was listening, while jasper looked over the moon to have her sitting with them. “i need you to swipe something from medical for me.” jasper’s eyes lit up, already looking far too eager. “why us?” monty eyed her suspiciously. she looked at him coolly, “because you two think stuff like that is fun. and i know you both can get away with it.” “why, thank you.” jasper bowed and monty eyed him scoldingly, “what is it?” she dipped her head, eyes shifting around, causing the boys to lean in out of curiosity. when she told them, jasper nearly jumped to his feet, “blake, that lucky bastard!” what he had taken away was that bellamy was clearly getting some. monty smacked the back of his head, shutting him up quickly. monty’s eyes softened, looking at her with a new gentle expression, “i can get it to you tonight...” she exhaled slowly, smiling at him gratefully. “but.. what will you do? if it’s positive?” jasper leaned in, clearly over his moment of incredulous jealousy.
“i’ll just tell them someone else is the father.”
•.*
bellamy was rubbing her slightly-more-swollen-than-last-week belly, smiling to himself. there were still anxieties etched in his face and behind his eyes, but the biggest thing he felt was joy. and excitement. this had been his dream. there was a foolish and gullible side of him that believed this could maybe happen. that he could hide her, hide the baby, just like his mom… they could be a family. illegal or not, he was already in love with that future. “how are you feeling?” bellamy looked up at her as she read her book, stretched out on his bed comfortably. “okay… tired. sore… always hungry… just like when you asked me ten minutes ago.” bellamy smiled despite himself, laughing shyly, “sorry. i just… want you to be okay…” she stroked through his hair and bent to kiss him. this bellamy wasn’t real. the over-protective, always smiling side that tended to be giddy. her heart physically hurt, knowing all of this could be ripped away at any moment. with any slip up… “i’d better get to work.” bellamy kissed her belly, then kissed her as he stood. “i’d better get back before my mom comes home.” the bigger shirts and clever ways of sitting or carrying things would only work for so long…
two months. she had hidden it successfully for two months. bellamy was only growing more protective and more excited, while she only grew more anxious and more filled with dread. she did want this. the baby, the absolutely love struck bellamy in dad mode could be a dream life anywhere else. she kissed bellamy once more and watched him go, giving her a final smile before disappearing through the door. she rubbed her stomach once more before standing up, thankful to not have swollen ankles or a large stomach that required help standing. she was mumbling to herself, or maybe the baby, as she stepped back into the cool hallway of the ark and out of the comfortable room of bellamy’s that was so familiar. hands grabbed her roughly, two on her shoulder and one over her mouth. she didn’t even have time to scream when her head was slammed into the wall. the slam against metal echoed, but she wasn’t conscious to hear it.
her eyes were still closed and her body was not yet fully awake but she was aware of the pain. her head throbbed in a way she had never felt. her stomach ached, deep inside like she had torn a muscle. her hand moved to stroke her belly, but was restrained. her eyes snapped open, body jerking violently against the sudden panic. her head screamed at her for moving so suddenly, her stomach screamed at her for sitting up. nausea washed through her and she closed her eyes again. the lights were too bright here. the room was too cold. she forced her eyes open for answers. she was in medical. she was strapped to a bed in medical. how had she gotten here? she was leaving bellamy’s and… her eyes snapped up to the doctor that approached her. “how long did you know you were pregnant?” were. past tense. no…. a new pain overwhelmed her head and stomach now- it wasn’t physical, it couldn’t be healed. “what did you do-“ her voice failed her, already knowing the answer. she could feel the pain of the incision. she could feel the loss of the small life inside her. tears were already falling from her face as she stared at her stomach. “we’ll need the name of the father.” she jerked against the restraints this time, scared by the way her voice sounded this time, “what did you do!?” her throat burned as she screamed it. the doctor didn’t even flinch, blinking once, remaining calm, “what is the name of the father?” she held a clipboard, scribbling on it as she glanced back up. “i will not ask again. is it bellamy blake?” no… her head was spinning, the pain in her stomach causing more nausea, the loss she felt in her chest, as if her heart physically was breaking. they would not take him too. “it’s not bellamy.” the tears would betray her, she was sure. but not if she could use them… the doctor tilted her head slightly, sighed, gave the slightest pout with her lip, “i don’t believe you.” not bellamy. “it’s not him. he does- didn’t even know.” she forced her voice to stay even; to not sound desperate or pleading or let the sobs out that so desperately clung just behind her lips. the doctor eyed her, leaning in close, repeating herself, “i don’t believe you.” they will kill him. she took a deep breath, voice shaking, letting the tears fall now, “there’s a reason bellamy didn’t know about the baby.” the doctor leaned in again, now acting as if she was preparing for a deadly secret. “give me the name of the man you slept with.” her breath shook, knowing she would doom an innocent person to be floated. but it wouldn’t be bellamy…. a name came to her; the boy who pulled her hair and threw things at her head all throughout classes. she set her jaw, tears falling more now to appease her guilt. she silently apologized and begged for forgiveness.
“john murphy.”
the doctors lip twitched slightly, scribbling on her clipboard again. “thank you.” she left the room and she let herself cry. each sob shook her body, causing her stomach to protest in excruciating waves. “i’m sorry…” she just whispered it over and over again. no one would hear it. not the baby. not bellamy. not even john murphy… two guards came in and dragged her to her feet, ignoring the sobbing, or the vomiting that happened as they jerked her too suddenly to her feet. she couldn’t stand. her legs gave out, heavy with the grief, more than the guilt. heavy with the loss, the heartbreak, the pain… a needle was poked into her neck and everything faded.
.*•
the cell was cold. she curled up into herself tighter, ignoring the pain in her stomach, ignoring the blood stained sheets, ignoring the several times she had thrown up. her body was betraying her. it had been cut open and beaten but it was the grief that would do it. she kept her eyes closed, hiccuping every once in a while as she choked on a sob. she had run out of tears days ago. her arms tightened around her knee and she buried her face further against the uncomfortable mattress. a lock clicked and she lifted her head only slightly. opening her eyes hurt her head as the light flooded in. she wasn’t sure how long it had been. it was silent, other than her cries and occasional scream. “time to eat. i’ve been instructed to watch you, so you actually eat this time. starving yourself to death might help with population, but it won’t prove anything.” she just glared at the guard. she shaped as much hatred as she could behind it but she knew it was weak. she was weak… the guard placed the tray of food by her feet and looked impatient, “eat, or i’ll shove it down your throat.” another glare through the spinning room and lightheadedness. “eat now.” she glanced at the plate and lunged for the knife before the guard could react. he threw his arms in front of his face but she wasn’t aiming for him. the knife cut cleanly across her throat just as the guard screamed in horror. she coughed once, dropping to the floor as her vision blurred into blackness.
once again, she awoke restrained, in medical. a different doctor stood over her. worried, a softer expression than she had seen in weeks. “they should have let you die, since you wanted to so badly. you’re a waste of supplies.” the same guard was standing across the room, arms crossed. “that’s enough.” the doctor spoke up, “you can go now.” the doctor watched him leave with a cool expression. she turned back to her once again, “i’m so sorry. about everything.” she almost thought she meant it… her voice was so soft it didn’t sound like it belonged on the ark, “i’m doctor griffin… you missed anything important by about a centimeter.” she sounded relieved. she didn’t say anything, just continued staring at the wall blankly. “i really am so sorry. i lost my husband. i couldn’t imagine losing my baby too…” well float her for bringing it up. the slightest flare of her nostrils was the only acknowledgement given to show that she heard it. she inhaled deeply, breath shaking as she fought off the tears that wanted so desperately to fall again. doctor griffin squeezed her hand again, frowning at the restraints, smiling sadly once more before moving from the room to make other rounds. the pain in her stomach was supposed to get better but wasn’t, the headache was fading due to the iv attached to her replenishing the lost nutrients she had been denying her body. and now her throat ached, there was a slight sting and it felt like it was bruised.
two days in medical and she was finally greeted with a different guard. “come on, basket case. it’s moving day.” the tiniest fragment of her hoped she would just be let go. able to return to normal life and live with what happened. that would be punishment enough. she could return to bellamy, sobbing to him until she ran out of air or tears or both. she was eased to her feet this time, under the harsh eyes of doctor griffin, who had insisted on escorting her to her new cell. she was silently grateful that she wouldn’t be slammed into anything else, or roughly pushed around. but with a doctor now frequently on her side, there would be no chance to attempt anything again… the guard had cuffed her again and in any other circumstance she would have been laughed that an armed guard was this untrusting and cautious of her. by the time they had crossed through medical, the nausea had come back and the pain ate at her relentlessly. she had not walked this much. her stomach ached like an overused muscle, her head pounded each time her feet hit the floor. it seemed they had walked miles when the guard finally held out a hand to stop them. “welcome to your new home.” the guard took off her restraints and typed the code into the cell. as the door slid open, the guard was smirking slightly, “say hi to your roommate for me.” he shoved her roughly inside and the door was closed before she could question why the hell he was smirking.
arms were around her before she had turned her head. she tensed, nearly ready to fight before she saw who it was. her heart sank, her throat caught on her own saliva. all dam she had created to stop the tears she had been holding in broke at once. it was octavia… bellamy’s sister. octavia’s ecstatic expression quickly dropped. her eyes widened as she held her in her arms as she collapsed to the floor. “what happened- where’s bellamy? is bellamy okay?” the fear and worry was laced thick in her voice. she was scaring her but she couldn’t stop. she looked like him. she reminded her of him. octavia stopped with the rush of questions as she realized she couldn’t breathe from the amount of sobbing her brother’s girlfriend was doing. then she was screaming, and octavia held her tighter as she began hyperventilating, not knowing what to do but remembering that when she was younger, bellamy would just hold her tightly until her crying stopped. so that’s what she did. she didn’t even know how much time passed when she finally did stop crying. octavia was still there. wide eyed, silent, terrified to know what had possibly broken her this much… pleading with whatever god there was, that it wasn’t her brother. “they killed it.” she finally spoke and octavia snapped her head up. “who?” “the doctors.” octavia didn’t know if she was fully coherent, so she kept her voice soft, “killed who?” she finally looked up and octavia’s heart broke. her eyes were bloodshot. the undersides of her eyes nearly black. she took a deep shuddering breath, jaw tightening, lip shaking against more tears, “bellamy’s baby.”
octavia wasn’t sure what she was expecting but it would never have been that. “you- you and bellamy… you were…” she looked down at your stomach without thinking, her heart falling as she took in the medical robes. she only nodded once in acknowledgement, unable to say the words again. octavia knelt in front of her again, “i’m so sorry.” she really meant it. she didn’t doubt her like she had the doctor. “one day we’ll be out of here. and we will kill them.” kill them… octavia’s heart skipped, “where is bellamy?” this time she relaxed only slightly, “fine. he’s fine…” she almost smiled, knowing at the very least she hadn’t failed to protect him. “i told them it was someone else.” octavia let go of her held breath, relieved, thankful. “i’m sorry. i’m so sorry…” she just nodded once, placing a shaky hand against her stomach that no longer felt warm against her skin and no longer held a secret future between she and bellamy.
.*•
octavia was laughing as she hung upside down from her bed. “i can’t believe i miss everything, just for being born!” she smiled lightly in response, shaking her head slightly. “you would love jasper and monty. as soon as we’re out of here, you have to meet them.” her chest tightened slightly; if they got out of here. she missed him so much; in a way she didn’t even know possible. it was like she was mourning for two. her baby and bellamy, who was very much alive, but who she would likely never see again. “do you think he’ll find someone else?” she really hadn’t meant to change the subject, but the curiosity was eating at her. octavia’s head snapped back to her, wide eyed, “bellamy? are you kidding?” she couldn’t look at octavia, now feeling guilty for even bringing it up. she knew bellamy. too painfully well. even if he believed she was dead, he would likely never move on. he was too passionate, too incredibly in love with her to ever even look at another girl. “when he was eleven, i remember him telling me that he had fallen in love with his best friend. i’m sure he talked about you more than just that before, but i was too little to remember it.” she smiled softly to herself, very much remembering thirteen year old bellamy getting into fights during lessons over you. even then, he was always there. if you needed a pencil, if you didn’t have a snack, if you were being looked at by another boy… “i used to be jealous of you. because i thought you got all of his attention. i remember thinking, even then, wow this girl better be really something to be causing my brother to act like a total idiot and taking time away from playing with me.” now she did laugh, looking at octavia playfully. “and then he brought you home that first day, knowing he could trust you to keep me a secret. and then i met you and you taught me how to braid my hair and brought me that stuffed bear…” her heart swelled again, remembering the secret days when they could still be kids, before they realized how serious and deadly life would become. “and then i understood why he always talked about you, why he never shut up about your smile, or your good heart, or the way your laugh, allegedly, brightened up every room.” damn it now she was crying because that sounded exactly like bellamy. she missed him so much… “and i said to bellamy, okay, if you’re going to act stupid over some girl and give someone other than me all your attention, i’m glad it was her. and then, another three years later, he finally got the nerve to kiss you.”
she snorted now, “he told you that he first kissed me when we were sixteen?” octavia leaned in, grinning mischievously, “was that a lie?” she smirked, “i kissed him on his fourteenth birthday.” octavia gasped, now grinning even wider, “he never told me that!” “probably because he stumbled away from me with wide eyes and muttered a quick ‘thank you’, before running away.” octavia was now laughing hysterically, “he did not!” she just nodded, quite thankful they had gotten long past that. “then, when we were sixteen, after two years of pretending that first kiss never happened, he kissed me on his birthday. he said the first one didn’t count because he had been wanting to kiss me forever and wasn’t the one to initiate it.” octavia rolled her eyes, still laughing, “so he waited sixteen years?” she just shrugged, “he said he wanted it to mean something. and he thought sixteen was finally the right time to be in a real relationship.” “so old fashioned of him.” she nodded, smiling again, “that’s bellamy. always respectful. always a gentleman…” octavia narrowed her eyes just slightly, “always?” she eyed her, looking away once, knowing bellamy would hate it if she gave any details to his innocent baby sister, “unless i asked him not to be.” her lip twitched just slightly as octavia practically shrieked. “what is that like?” “oh god, i can’t talk about it when the only experience i have is with your brother.” octavia looked at her playfully, but there was a slight pout on her face. “i may never even experience a kiss! i have to get something!” she scoffed, looking at her in a scolding look she knew bellamy would approve of. but she sighed, feeling red in the cheeks, “for your information, i will not be giving details.” “because it’s my brother.”
“because he would kill me.”
octavia had leaned forward, pillow tucked in her lap, looking eager. she knew octavia hadn’t experienced anything. not a first crush, not a first kiss, not even having a conversation with a boy other than her brother. she wasn’t even sure if she even gotten the talk, which she certainly was not about to give her. “i wouldn’t do it with anyone without a connection. in my opinion it shouldn’t just be casual. it should mean something. it should be a way to show the other person how much you love them and that you’re entirely theirs… completely.” “i bet the science teachers would love you…” octavia deadpanned and she snorted, “i’m being serious. bellamy is the only person i’ve ever even been attracted to. but even still, i couldn’t imagine just doing that with anyone.” “well, unlike you, i will never have a dream relationship with that special connection, so i might just do it with whatever boy i meet just so i don’t die a virgin.” she snorted at this, watching octavia tuck herself into bed. she had no idea what time it was, but it felt late. it was hard to keep track of anything in there.
she woke up to pounding on the door and followed octavia to her feet. they had to follow protocol, stand up, hands above their head while meals were served. the guard held two trays of food, while a second guard stood by the door, weapon raised. “no visitors today. what a surprise.” her heart sank, knowing that if he was allowed to, bellamy would have come every day. he had showed up weekly on visiting day to see octavia. but now, there were no visitors. “has my mom asked about me?” she knew she shouldn’t have asked, and regretted it as soon as she saw the guards smug expression. “your mother thinks you’re dead. we told her and your friend, mister blake, that you got yourself pregnant and got floated.” her heart dropped as the room began spinning, “then she got herself executed, trying to strangle john murphy on visiting day. that’s who the father was, right?” the guard smirked smugly and turned back to the door, roughly dropping the plates on the bed, “there’s no visitors for the dead.” the door slammed and she collapsed to the floor, once again. octavia was by her side instantly, but she couldn’t hear her words.
bellamy thought she was dead.
john murphy hadn’t been executed because of her.
her mother was dead.
.*•
two years had passed, and with it, eight pathetic, sorrow filled birthdays. octavia’s. her own, begrudgingly. bellamy’s. and the estimated time that her baby would have been due. octavia had called the baby ‘little bell’, which had earned a tearful smile and then more sobbing. grief and loss were strange things. days would go along fine, then something as common as a stomach ache would send her spiraling, reminded of the stomach pains that proved the sign of life inside her. her mom’s birthday had passed, though neither one of them mentioned it. she hadn’t even said goodbye. hadn’t even found out about her grandchild from her own daughter. she had died because of a final act in love of her daughter. attacking someone who was innocent. someone who had become a lie, just to protect bellamy.
octavia had fallen asleep long ago, while she continued to stare at the ceiling, pretending it was the stars. the same stars she and bellamy had looked out on so many quiet nights, stealing quick kisses and hushed laughs. her heart hurt again. she could see every detail of his face when she closed her eyes. the exact shade of brown in his eyes, every single line that appeared when he smiled. god, picturing his smile brought tears to her eyes. “happy birthday, my greatest love.” he would be twenty three today. twenty three and for the second time, she hadn’t been there last night to give him his usual birthday present. or to wake him up this morning with soft and messy kisses along his jaw and down his neck, to his chest until he finally stirred awake with a tantalizing, sleepy smirk. she should have just dragged him back to bed that fateful morning and convinced him to stay home that day. she could have done it, she was quite good at convincing him of things… none of it would have happened- or maybe it would have just given her one more day with him. she closed her eyes against the memories, against the phantom feeling of his lips on her’s, his arms around her, and still, the long gone swell of her stomach.
morning came around again, and with it, not a moment of sleep. octavia was already awake, being quite to not wake the sleepless being above her. “morning,” she said it quietly, so octavia would stop trying to be silent. she couldn’t do silent today. octavia was up without a moment’s hesitation, peeking her head over the ladder of her bunk bed, smiling sadly. “you didn’t sleep…” octavia had learned to read her quite well. she just shook her head, shrugging pathetically. octavia knew what yesterday was. it may as well have been a funeral to her. the door opened, without the usual slamming on the doors. “rise and shine girls, it’s time to start your training.” this time, not even she could hide her reaction as her head snapped away from octavia. “training?” octavia was already back on her feet, facing the guard eagerly. the next words spoken were even more shocking than the man who spoke them. councilman kane stepped past the guards, regarding both girls with a nod and polite smile, “congratulations, ladies. you’re going to earth.”
.*•
for the fourth day in a row, she sat in a room full of teenagers, wearing a name tag like she was back in school. pike had been talking about starting a fire in a survival situation, and octavia had been one of the only ones to successfully do it. something in the back of the class fell, she snapped her head around and actually smiled. “monty—!” she had jumped to her feet, ignoring the exasperation of pike. jasper was behind him, looking as equally shocked and happy to see her. “what are you doing here?” both boys pulled her into a hug and she felt familiarity for the first time in two years. “stole some…substances…from the garden.” jasper shrugged innocently, displaying that same shy, mischievous smirk. “what are- we thought you were dead. they told everyone you got floated! bellamy- god, bellamy-“ and just like that, the small joy she had felt in the reunion completely shattered, “bellamy! bellamy- how is he?” jasper and monty exchanged glances and she had her answer. “he’s not… he’s not himself. he…” “class! that is enough of a reunion. can we get back to this, please?” but she needed answers- she needed to know he was doing fine without her. she had believed he would. even knowing, and now having it confirmed, that that wasn’t true at all. octavia gripped her hand when she sat back down, trying to pull her attention back. but all she did was stare straight ahead, alert, tense, not hearing a word that was being said.
.*•
it was three days before they were sent to earth- likely to die- and she hadn’t learned half the kid’s names. she was the oldest, she at least knew that. she knew jasper, monty, had met harper, knew wells, obviously knew octavia, and knew the other kid that sat in the corner. the boy she had avoided. the boy who was the closest to her age, with the dark eyes and constant smug expression. john murphy. he was here because of her. he didn’t know that, but she knew it wouldn’t be long before it got out. she had already heard the whispers behind her back, and the names the others had called her. whore. and even if it were true, bellamy would have broken their teeth in if he had heard it. she pulled herself from her thoughts to realize someone was standing beside her, “you look a bit old to be a teenage delinquent.” her heart slammed into her ribs and she audibly flinched. “don’t worry. they say i’m in for murder, but the jackass had it coming.” she flinched, turning away from octavia’s anxious expression. “murder? i- i thought you got a girl pregnant?” murphy snorted, “right. i don’t know where that rumor started, but i’d much rather that be the case. they just added that on to my list of crimes, though they didn’t even seem to believe it. if it were true though, at least i would go out having had a little fun.” her head was spinning. he had almost killed someone. they hadn’t believed it was him… so then- “do you know who the unlucky girl was, anyway? seems a bit much to get rid of the baby too.” the room was spinning and she fought away the black spots forming in her eyes, feeling herself tremble slightly, “it was me.”
murphy’s eyes snapped to her, more confusion than shock, or even anger. “why would you tell them—“ he shook his head, stepping back slightly, as if he was looking her over, trying to figure her out. octavia and monty were to their feet, both looking tense, bracing for the situation to explode. “wait, i remember you.” his tone had darkened. shit. monty was already in front of her, wide eyed, anxiety painted across his face. “your mother attacked me… she’s dead because of you. because of a lie you told to protect that bella—“ she hadn’t even registered that she had moved until her fist connected with his jaw. she heard a snap as murphy stumbled backwards. his eyes were fire now, burning with rage, a twisted smirk on his face. the class had erupted into chaos, but he was on her before anyone reached them. her head hit the wall, though a part of her was thankful for the distraction pain brought her. she was actually smiling as he hit her, smirking when his hands wrapped around her throat, screaming at her as he tightened his grip. her head slammed against the wall again and her vision began to fade around the edges. “do it.” she didn’t even recognize her own voice as she fought to breathe in. kids were pulling him off her, monty and jasper jumping in front of her once again, while octavia screamed words that even bellamy would have been shocked by. pike threw murphy to the floor, kicking him once swiftly, voice carrying over the chaos. his words didn’t meet her ears as her hands massaged her throat. monty was talking to her, jasper was holding each of her shoulders. octavia was trying to kick murphy on the floor. “enough!” the voice sounded like it was under water. “green, jordan! go with her to medical. guards, get them back to their cells, now!”
she woke up once again in a med bed. doctor griffin was there again, shaking her head, “we have to stop meeting like this.” her throat throbbed, wincing as she attempted to swallow the taste of blood. “i hope you got a few good ones in. he certainly did a number on you.” her lip felt numb, and entirely too big as she ran her tongue across it. her head throbbed, and her vision wasn’t quite like it should have been. “severe bruising around your throat, you split your lip on your own teeth, you have a moderate concussion, and now a nice sized lump on the back of your head. your nose wasn’t broken, though, if you’re looking at the positive side. are you trying to get yourself killed?” when she didn’t answer, doctor griffin sighed, “you are going to earth. and now you’ll be landing with a concussion and a messed up face. try to stay out of fights for three more days.” she only grunted in acknowledgment and doctor griffin tucked her clipboard under her arm, “someone is here to see you.” her foolish heart hoped it was bellamy, though she knew she would never see him again. it was monty. waiting patiently, smiling sadly as he joined her side. “what the hell were you thinking, talking to murphy?” “i’m great, thanks for asking.” monty didn’t look like he was in the mood to be funny. “i’m supposed to walk you back to your cell. they thought you would be more cooperative with me.” she almost scoffed, standing to her feet with a wince. if she wouldn’t see bellamy again, she had no intention on fighting anything they planned to do to her. death would be welcome… monty placed a gentle arm around her waist, letting her lean on him as they walked. she felt much weaker than she expected, though the pain was a welcome distraction, and she was thankful to have monty’s familiarity. he stopped outside her cell, smiling sadly as guards separated them, “see you on the ship to earth.” her lip twitched up slightly in reply, staying silent as they closed her in her cell once again.
.*•
the drop ship was packed full. she hadn’t realized how many people one hundred would actually be, until they were all crammed in an enclosed space, buckled into too close together seats. she sat next to octavia, holding her hand. for her own comfort or octavia’s, she wasn’t sure. the tried to see the positive; if earth didn’t kill them, the others would be behind them shortly. and with them, she would see bellamy again. if earth was survivable. she didn’t mind if it wasn’t. radiation poisoning would be a quick enough death, and maybe the last thing she saw would be the blue sky and tops of trees.
she ignored the chancellor’s message, instead focusing on the few faces she knew. monty and jasper had been loaded after her, likely on the floor below. octavia was beside her, murphy was across the row, glaring at her with murder in his eyes. great. at least if radiation didn’t kill her, he would. there were more kids above her, but she couldn’t tell you half of their names. the message cut out and the picture on the screen blinked back to a foreboding, void, black. the ship shook slightly as the thrusters engaged, the engine creaking as they left the dock and airlock. she hadn’t realized she was holding her breath, or that she had closed her eyes, until she opened them with a gasp, to yelling. it was no one in her section, though murphy was still scowling at her, ignoring the other floor’s fiasco. the ship jolted rapidly, causing a few girls to scream. even murphy dropped his murderous scowl for an anxious glance. the ship shook, jerked violently once more and the falling slowed. the parachute had deployed, which meant they had already broken through earth’s atmosphere. a few kids were laughing in relief, while others were hyperventilating, and some even crying. octavia still held onto her hand tightly, turning to her with a brave expression over all her fear. she smiled once, only dropping it to brace herself as the ship settled into the ground. the ground. they were on earth.
the first humans on earth in over one hundred years.
kids were jumping out of their seats in waves of chaos. they were pushing each other, shoving to the front, wanting to be the first to touch the earth. she suddenly froze, unable to force herself to unbuckle her restraint, unable to convince herself to stand. octavia was in the front, screaming over everyone as she climbed for the latch. the door opened, fresh, warm air rushed into the drop ship, and there were a hundred inhales at once. fresh air. oxygen from earth. everyone had frozen in their spots, tense, anticipating, waiting to see if anyone dropped dead. octavia was the first out the door, cheering loudly as the air proved not to be toxic. the others were cheering, chaos once again taking control. the swarm of kids rushed out of the ship, she finally unbuckled herself, hands shaking. murphy was still staring at her. hatred, burning expression. she tensed, moving slow as she stood to her feet. his lip twitched, eyes following her movement like a predator tracking their next meal. her heart pounded against her ribs, knowing she wouldn’t stand a chance in another fight. his hands were on his seatbelt, watching her, knowing he sat between her and the ladder.
she bolted from her chair, hearing murphy’s own restraints hit the metal wall as they were thrown off. she felt her body as if she wasn’t in it, adrenaline surging, heart racing. her legs felt numb as she reached the ladder. her hands slipped on the handholds, desperately grasping onto nothing as she let herself fall. she barely caught herself on the final rungs, landing with one foot on the ground, her other leg stumbling as her knee folded under her. murphy’s boots were just above her feet as she scrambled back to her feet, sprinting again before her body could keep up. she was tipping forward, frantic feet trying to keep up and keep her balanced. she screamed as hands grabbed her, shoving her forward hard. she hit the ground, no longer needing to wonder what dirt tasted like. her vision blurred slightly, crawling forward desperately. her heart pounded against her skull, the taste of blood in her mouth making her nauseous. hands grabbed her ankles and she screamed again. everyone was still too busy celebrating to know her screams were not of joy or adrenaline. murphy had flipped her over, standing over her with a wild expression. “you should have killed me-“ he dropped down to his knees, holding her between his legs, hands coming to find her throat again. she knew she shouldn’t have hit him, but she wasn’t sure it justified this. she tried to turn her head desperately to see anyone. even if someone had been there, the hands on her throat wouldn’t let her scream. between blackening vision, she heard a man’s voice screaming. the weight was off her in an instant, the force that knocked murphy off causing her to roll slightly. she curled up in a ball, protecting her throat incase murphy returned, but hands never returned to her throat. instead, she heard the cock of a gun, as bullets loaded into place.
“monty-?“ her voice shook, tears falling from her eyes, despite her belief that she wanted to die. she uncovered her head, squinting up between the bright sun and the blurring vision. the figure that stood above her was not monty. they were entirely too tall, hair too curly and far too messy, jaw set much too tightly. he stood with his arm outstretched, gun pointed, hand not shaking in the slightest as he held it right against john murphy’s head. a crowd had gathered now, the booming voice getting everyone’s attention over the celebrating. “bellamy—“ it was octavia who spoke, because she couldn’t. she was struggling to stand to her feet, shaking, feeling like she was choking. it wasn’t because of the hands that had squeezed her neck, it was the emotions fighting for control. bellamy. her brain was short circuiting because it was him. he was here. somehow, miraculously. bellamy bellamy bellamy bellamy. she stumbled to her feet, not able to hold in the sob that escaped her. octavia had stepped cautiously in front of bellamy, eyes wide, breathing sharp. his eyes were wild. a madness she had never seen in him. his body was rigid, jaw locked, nostrils flared, eyes more murderous than she thought possible. he held the gun against murphy’s head, unwavering, finger on the trigger.
“bellamy.” octavia cautiously reached towards the gun, earning a sharp inhale of breath from murphy. now he was afraid. good. bellamy’s lip twitched just slightly, eyes still burning into him with a hatred she didn’t know bellamy could hold. octavia’s hand was on the gun, gently pulling it out of her brother’s hand. bellamy didn’t flinch, eyes shifting to his sister’s hand that now held the gun. his eyes snapped back to murphy, who flinched, “you ever touch her again,” he pulled him to his feet, slamming him hard against a tree, “i kill you.” murphy just nodded, craning his neck to move away from his entirely too close face. “you ever look at her again. i kill you. do you understand?” his voice deepened, a darkness in it that was entirely unlike him. murphy just nodded, eyes wide, still managing to look angry even with his fear. “you will wish i shot you.” he took his hands off murphy with a final shove and watched him stumble away, no longer holding his tough exterior.
then bellamy turned, body shaking, furious expression faltering. he stumbled forward, eyes locked on her with an expression that finally broke. tears were streaming down his face as he dropped in front of her. he had meant to help her up, to pull her into his arms, but his legs stopped holding him up. she remembered holding him the night octavia had been found and arrested. she remembered how hard he cried, how much he blamed himself. she remembered how much it hurt to see him this way, how much she wished she never heard him cry like that again.
this was worse.
she collapsed into him, not sure if she was shaking from her own sobs or his. octavia was screaming something to the others, but her voice was lost to them. “i thought you were dead– they said you were floated- they told me—“ each word broke her further, feeling like she was about to just shatter in his arms. he was here. he was here. bellamy forced her away from his chest, just so he could look her over. his thumb traced her face, his own brown eyes reflecting the same sadness that had shattered something inside her too. “i thought you were dead– i—“ he didn’t even bother wiping his own tears, worried only about her own, a shaking hand lifting to wipe the tears from her cheeks. his eyes dropped to her stomach, knowing it had been two years too long…knowing it wouldn’t be there anymore. his eyes shifted to her arms, slowly, as if knowing there should have been someone in them. his eyes snapped to her’s, wide and tear filled and now heartbroken. “they—“ she only nodded, tears falling for this conversation she should have had two years ago. wishing he could have been there. to cry with her, to hold her against his chest as she screamed until her throat bled. his breathing came out in a shudder, the words he failed to speak choking him. bellamy pulled her against him without another word, holding her so tightly that it hurt. she didn’t care. she had needed this years ago. she let herself melt into him as she finally felt like she could properly grieve. that she could properly mourn. with the only person in the world that would understand. the one person who had wanted this more than anything… the one person who would have burned the entire world to stop it. “i’m so sorry-“ he stroked her hair, other arm holding her tightly around her waist, guiding her gently as she moved into his lap to be closer. “my god, i- i’m so sorry- i should have been there. i- i would have stopped it, i-“ his hand trembled against her, the tears now turning to a dangerous anger. “i’ll kill them… every single person that was involved… i-“ she just shook her head, placing her hands on either side of his face to pull him back to her. “i couldn’t save it… i.. i didn’t even have a choice, i- they knocked me out and when i woke up—“ bellamy’s body tensed, shoulders straightening as anger coursed through him with dangerous force. his vision had turned red, the roaring in his ears demanded action. justice… punishment. instead, he just held her. tightly, as if his arms were the only thing holding her together. “they killed my mom.” bellamy exhaled deeply, fighting against the pounding in his ears, “i know.” he shifted her again, tilting her chin up gently to look at her, “i know. i’m so sorry. i’m so–“ sorry seemed like a stupid word now, one that didn’t even begin to console what she was feeling. he had lost his mother; he knew the pain. she had lost her mother. after losing their child. and then she lost him. she had been medically mutilated so the baby could be killed. she bared this all on her own. alone. he hadn’t been there for her. he hadn’t been there to carry her through it.
sorry didn’t mean a damn thing.
a hand on bellamy’s shoulder pulled him from his dazed, dissociated state. monty. bellamy didn’t know him that well, but he knew she did. monty was smiling softly, looking at her more than anything. he passed her a bottle of water, kneeling slightly, though looking like he was intimidated to get too close. “jasper and i set up an extra tent for you… there isn’t many tents. a lot of the kids are just setting up in the drop ship, but-“ he gave another soft smile, “i figured it would be nice…if you could be alone.” bellamy nodded now, “thank you.” monty sent one last anxious expression towards her before standing again. “i’ve got her.” monty nodded, “i know… you always have.” she had fallen asleep, among the silence and familiar comfort in his arms. “just…” monty hesitated, “be careful with her. she’s… she was lost without you. she…” he shook his head, as if deciding against continuing. bellamy appreciated monty’s concern, he was thankful he had been there, in a way, when he hadn’t, but he didn’t need to be told how to take care of her. if he was good at only one thing, it was taking care of her. bellamy shifted, lifting her against her as he stood. she shifted, humming quietly, shifting to bury her face against him again.
bellamy gently placed her in the cot, letting himself sink down beside her. there was plenty to do. plenty to figure out, plenty to explore and plenty of chaos -already- to de-escalate. but bellamy needed to make sure she was okay first. she had fallen asleep silently, so quickly that he wondered how long it had been since she slept through the entire night. he placed a soft kiss on her forehead, pulling her back against him again as tightly as he could without actually hurting her. he closed his eyes, knowing he wouldn’t fall asleep, but also knowing he was not going to leave her side ever again. tomorrow he would tell her about the ring that hung around his neck. about the ring that had been his mother’s that he couldn’t bare to leave the ark without. tomorrow he would give her the ring as a promise.
tomorrow they would begin to start over.
•••
part two: !!
💬 0 🔁 0 ❤️ 1 · caught between the black and blue | bellamy blake · * part two of between the heavens and the embers warnings: grief, fl
