"Cody I said I forgave you." Obi-wan said patting the soils around the sapling.
"Yet you can't seem to look me in the eye. Any of us." The commander said.
Obi-wan looked to where the clone was leaning against a tree. He was watching Obi-wan.
The Jedi sighed. and reached fort he companion plant. It was an Aldderanian sun fruit, they worked surprisingly well with Tattoine black melons, something about the protective system of the trees roots allowing the melon to produce a sudo-fertalizer. Fascinating actually.
"Your doing it again." Cody cut through Obi-wan thoughts.
"It's not that easy…"
"Explain it then!" Cody shouted.
Obi-wan flinched and shut his eyes. He kept his eyes shut and took even breaths, he could feel the shameguiltregret coming off of Cody.
"I'm sorry gen-Obi-wan" Cody said softly.
"All is forgiven. It's hard for all of us."
Obi-wan stood and faced the commander. he kept his eyes on the wind chime near the clones head. It was made of metal and kyber. A tubie had suggested it as a way to honor the fallen Jedi, let there souls be free in the temple.
"Cody…"
"Do you still trust us?" Cody whispered.
"Yes" Obi-wan said without hesitating.
The two stood awkwardly for a minuet.
"Slick." Obi-wan started, "Krell too, if you found out his betrayal was due to darkside influence, What would you feel?"
Cody looked at him and quietly sat down.
"Complicated, I- I don't know what I would think. I would forgive him he my brother."
"But could you trust him near the comms again? Or in planning meetings? Or with important jobs."
Cody opened his mouth before closing it.
"Fox. Do you think Rex trusts him with his shines alone?"
"He is. He'll check on them but he trues his brother.
Obi-wan studied Cody. The clone was staring to the ground like it would provide him the answers.
"Does he check up when your with them?" Obi-wan said carefully.
"What is this about"
"You asked me to explain what I fell, I am trying. My sliver tongue seems to be failing me in my age."
Cody clenched his jaw.
"Cody. I trust you. I am sitting with you hear and now. We go to the creche regularly." Obi-wan started.
"But" Cody continued bitterly.
"But sometimes when I look at you, at the 212, at all of your brothers… All I can see are the beings who shot me off a cliff to kill me. The purge troopers who hunted me and my niece across the galaxy. The army that murdered the temple that welcomed them."
Obi-wan closed his eyes again as he heard the wounded sound Cody made.
"I see in the force that your different, your signature is different. You are my Cody, but you have the face of my attempted Murderer. It is hard to explain because it is hard to truly express."
"Like Rex seeing Fox as Fives murderer despite knowing what happened."
"Exactly."
The two sat in silence.
"I wish I could fix it." Cody whispered.
"You are. You built a new temple, you rescued so many Jedi and your brothers head the position of Seekers until we were able to start it back. This kind of trust take so long to rebuild but I can see the foundations there in myself and the others."
Obi-wan felt Cody jolt as he put his head on the clone commanders shoulder.
"Is that the same reason you haven't gone to see Anakin yet?"
"Similar yes." Obi-wan tilted his head back, "He is my brother, my child, my friend. And I failed him. I hate him as much as a Jedi can, I love him, I'm so very pissed off and sad for him. I have no idea what i would do when I see him"
Maul wakes up, but not to the familiar surroundings of his room. Or the Temple. In fact, it's so dark he can't tell if he's opened his eyes at all. Until he groans and a lightsaber ignites in the dark. A yellow blade he knows is his, for he feels one of the twin kyber crystals singing to him through the hilt. But like everything else in the Force, his lightsaber is too quiet. One crystal is missing.
He struggles to focus on the bright light, and who is wielding it. Lant looks over him with concern, before muttering something quietly. He moves to hold Maul's hand. His face is grubby and covered in dirt except for the tearstreaks that run down his face. The hand that isn't squeezing Maul's is holding half of the Knight's staffsaber (he remembers now that slicing his saber was Skywalker's last attack before landing the final blow. The other half is clipped to the initiate's side.) Illuminating what must be the tunnel system he had sent the younglings into to hide them.
The younglings...
Maul tries to sit up, before feeling the pain radiating from his waist and Lant's hand pushing him gently back down. He tries to ask about the others but Lant just goes very still until the sobs manage to escape.
And Maul feels his heart shatter.
All of those children... innocent. Bright in the Force, good-hearted. Gone. Maul wants to scream from the loss of it all. Because he's more awake now. And he can feel everything. Or more accurately, the nothingness that the Jedi had left in their wake. The Force is so quiet besides himself, the young boy crumbling before his eyes, half of his kyber crystal pair, and... someone else. Whose presence is stirring.
Lant's cries are swallowed at the sounds of another's. He hastily wipes away his tears and scrambles away from Maul, who he gives the lightsaber, and reaches for a bundle of blankets. Concealing a small, human child with dark skin. Maul recognizes him as Jules Parrel.
He was orphaned during the War, and found by Quinlan during one of his so-called "stealth" missions. Only a few months old and already at the Temple. He was deaf too, but Maul and Vos had a sneaking suspension he might be able to hear the voices in their heads when they held him.
Said hypothesis is strengthened when Lant picks him up, and his screams only increase. Maul sighs tiredly, before speaking softly to the older boy. "Try to calm yourself. He can feel everything you are feeling, if not more."
"I-I don't know how."
"Take deep breaths. Like me." Maul gives him an example, but Lant can't seem to follow it.
"We were running. We ran all the way to the end, I kept us all together, but they were waiting for us, and I just took him and ran. I ran, I left them, Master!" His voice is thick with tears he's still trying to hold back.
"You didn't leave them. You escaped. You were lucky, both of you. You've been so strong so far, running with Jules, and then, I assume, dragging me into the tunnels." Maul doesn't even know where they are. And he, Obi-Wan, and Quinlan thought they had explored this system well. They thought a lot of things before now.
"I had to. They set the Temple on fire." Lant says quietly.
Maul struggles to process that. Luckily, he doesn't have to before the youngling is talking again. "And I only came back because I thought you would know what to do, but you were..." he trails off when he's reminded of his teacher's dismemberment. "I'm so scared, Master. What are we going to do?"
What were they going to do? The Jedi were gone. His friends, his family. And all he had left of them were two children who needed him. A knight with two halves of a broken lightsaber and half of a body.
But that realization won't help Lant, and it won't calm him enough for Jules to stop crying. So Maul just sighs and tugs the boys closer. "We will figure something out in the morning. For now, sleep." And with that, he turns off the lightsaber, and settles himself in the dark. Hoping the next day will bring him a useful thought.
...
While he never managed to fall asleep, by morning, he finally has a plan. All he's waiting on to enact it is for the boys to wake.
It's risky. It might not work. And if it doesn't, they will be caught. They will be killed. But it's the only shot they have.
Maul was never in the war. He never wanted to be. For good reason. Before Plo Koon had found him, his mother had made a deal. With a Sith. He had been told he was being trained for a war. And the things the Sith did to him to "prepare him" for said war... Maul still remembers the pain. The lightsaber burns would be evidence enough if he didn't.
In the time he was with the Sith, he had been trained to be a monster. To feel anger, bring pain, exact revenge. Not for himself, but for the Sith.
If Plo hadn't found him, with a lucky tip from a local and a group of Jedi at his back, making the Sith desert him... he would've been on the other side of the war. Fighting his family. The only home he has ever had.
Now, he is all these boys have. And he is not ready. He has to get them out, get them safe. He tried meditation, but it was too quiet in the Force. Yet so loud in his thoughts.
He doesn't have time to worry about any of it now. Everything must wait until he and the younglings are off in space, somewhere far away from the burning temple, the empty crèche, this awful planet where the pain of it all has sunken into ground and into Maul's veins.
It boils his blood and leaves him burning on the inside, choking on broken-off sobs that Lant and Jules cannot hear. He mustn't wake them. Sleep is precious for children. This is the calm before the storm.
For a child like Jules, who can only see and not fully grasp the world around him... even with the Force. Feeling everyone dissappear like that must've been confusing for him. And it's only going to get worse. The rest he's getting now is important.
And Lant. He is older. But not old enough to be forced to deal with this. (Is anyone?) Maul can feel his fear, even in his sleep. He's so exhausted that the dreams have not yet begun. But they will. Maul knows they will. The boy will never forget this day. It will be a moment he can never go back to try and fix, but one he will relive each night.
Maul knows this is true. He remembers Ahsoka Tano. The nights when the 501st and 212th were granted shore leave, and his family came home after a terrible campaign. Once, she returned to the crèche while he was cleaning after a long day of the younglings' training and playing. She helped him pick up flimsi and training sabers, before eventually breaking down in his arms. She couldn't sleep. Hadn't been for days. The night terrors were too much, the war was too much. All he could do was hold her. Eventually Anakin had found her, then Obi-Wan. They all sat in the crèche until dawn, when they woke up to sunlight streaming through the windows.
He knew then that she wouldn’t forget. Couldn't.
Yes, he remembered Ahsoka. And Caleb. And Cal. They were all children once. He remembers all of them. He always called them by their last names. Whether to save what little dignity he had left by projecting professionalism or simply habit. But he says their first names now. He repeats them over and over, like if he does it enough, they will appear to him in the dark. Find him and the boys, tell him they survived, that he is not alone.
Plo.
Shaak.
Obi-Wan.
Quinlan.
Aayla.
Ahsoka.
Caleb.
Depa.
Mace.
Cal.
He remembers them. They are dead, and he is still here. He is all alone.
He remembers Skywalker, too. But only the yellow eyes that shone bright as he cut Maul in half and went on to slaughter their people.
He is not the young boy Master Jinn and Obi-Wan returned to the Temple with all those years ago. The one whose bright blue eyes focused on everything like it was a problem he could fix. A problem he needed to fix. He is not the young knight who was so nervous around younglings but always tried his best to entertain them when Maul asked. Who saw the clones as the young men they were and not the weapons they were made to be. No.
That person is gone. Whatever Maul dueled in the temple is all that remains of him. The knight doesn't know whether Skywalker had survived much longer after the attack. If he is still alive.
But if Maul ever sees him again, the Dathomiran's last act will be to destroy him. All of the Jedi are gone. And he will have his revenge.
"Master?" He looks down at Lant, his voice muffled by sleep as he rubs his tired eyes with his tattered sleeve. His tendrils stretch, and he rests his head back into the crook of Maul's arm. The burning within him simmers down to a warmth, and he tugs the initiate closer. Stirred by the movement, Jules yawns and blinks his large dark eyes awake.
Almost all the Jedi, Maul thinks. There is still some hope. He will protect these younglings with his life. That is his purpose. It always has been.
They deserve to live in the crèche. To grow up in peace, surrounded by a community who loves and understands them. Jules deserves to have his Gathering, Lant should be chosen by a Master and eventually Knighted.
They will never have any of that.
All Maul can hope to give them is a full life. He knows he will do anything for them. To protect them. To make them happy. He knows that makes him dangerous.
At one time, he would've worried about Falling. But with everything so broken now...
After the fall of the Republic, the Order attempts to secretly rebuild deep in the mountains of Alderaan under the protection of the Queen Breha Organa and her husband Bail.
For the:
✦ Fandom-Free-Bingo Build-a-Bingo: Generic Prompts - Underground City AU [AUs]
Word Count: N/a - Moodboard
Title: Light Hidden in the Deep
Rating: Gen
Universe: Ma
Pairings: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Mace Windu & Jedi Order
Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mace Windu
Warnings: None
Major Tags: Canon Divergence, Order 66 Aftermath, Hurt/Comfort, A Slight Fix-It, Caves, Underground Cities, The Jedi Order Needs a Hug, Mace Windu Lives, Post-Order 66, Planet Alderaan
~
Summery: After the fall of the Republic, the Order attempts to secretly rebuild deep in the mountains of Alderaan under the protection of the Queen Breha Organa and her husband Bail.
It is not easy to come to terms with what has happened. Dark, fearful thoughts plague you. You can only hope that Fives understands you in some way. You may have to make a very hard decision.
__________
What Happened Before:
Soldier Boy
Part 2 - Caught In The Act
Part 3 - Tender Affection
Part 4 - Worries And Secrets
Part 5 - Welcome Back, Soldier Boy
Part 6 - I Should Have Known
Part 7 - Doing Something Stupid
Part 8 - Hot Tub
Part 9 - Seize The Night
Part 10 - We Need A Medic
Part 11 - Live To Fight Another Day
Part 12 - What Lies Ahead
Part 13 - An Unexpected Friend
Part 14 - Important News
Part 15 - The Beginning Of An Empire
Part 16 - Yoda
Part 17 - Unforgiven
Part 18 - The Depth Of Fear
Part 19 - Hope, Sorrow And Anger
Part 20 – A Stranger In My Skin
Heavy Hearts
When you entered the hospital room, Fives sat up immediately, heavily but with wide eyes and a relieved smile.
Softly, he said, "I was afraid you might not come back".
You sighed faintly, sat down on the chair by his bed and said, "You won't get rid of me that easily."
Fives laughed softly.
"Good to know"
You looked at him and felt your chest tighten, becoming too tight to feel comfortable in your body any longer. It was hard to get used to the sight of him, he looked so strange and haggard.
As if sensing what was going on inside you, he looked down at himself and said, "I know, I feel alien myself in my own body."
Again you sighed and said, "It's not that, not only that. It's just that this life is leaving less and less of you, and the thought creeps in that at some point it's going to be too much, and you're going to be completely…. lost."
After a while of silence, he says, "I talked to Rex. He said I should retire for now, until I'm fully recovered, before I decide whether or not to stay with the rebellion."
You blinked in surprise.
"So you're actually thinking about it?"
He smiled wryly.
"Don't get too excited, I haven't made a decision yet".
You said, "But at least you're thinking about it"
"If I didn't have you by my side, I probably wouldn't".
You frowned critically.
"So you're making this dependent on me"
Fives, reached for one of your hands.
"Isn't that what you wanted?"
"Yes," you said softly, "Yes. But it has to be your decision, anything else will only make you regret it and hate me for it".
Fives gently squeezed your fingers.
"I could never hate you."
A little uncertainly, you returned the pressure of his fingers and said softly, thoughtfully, "We'll see".
Fives recovered faster than expected. Back in your new shelter, he trained a lot, working hard with the rehab exercises. He was fully occupied with getting back into his old shape.
But still, everything was different now. You were regularly plagued by strange nightmares of waking up and finding Fives dead in bed next to you, bleeding out and ragged. You kept some distance, couldn't really get involved with him, no matter when you looked at him, you kept seeing this half dead, broken man in front of you and felt put off. You wanted your old Fives back, the one you met when he was supposed to be your bodyguard.
He got back in shape faster than you thought, but that image in your mind's eye was hard to shake off.
One day, after he had showered after a training session and came into the small garden where you were sitting with a book, he looked like himself again. It was warm, he was barefoot, wearing only a clean pair of thin, light-colored summer pants and was topless.
"Lovely weather," he said cheerfully, and sat down with you.
You looked up from your reading material for a moment. He looked great, a few new scars, but still, or rather again, gorgeous. Hard muscles under tanned skin, toned, well-fed, radiating strength. You looked back at your book and said, "Yeah, it's pretty warm."
Fives was silent for a few seconds, then said a little uncertainly, "You used to hardly be able to stop staring at me when I walked around topless. Are the scars really that bad? Or have you gotten bored of me already?"
You sighed and shook your head.
"I don't care about the scars, it's this image in my head that bothers me".
"What image?" he asked, surprised.
You told him about your nightmares and also about seeing him again and again in that hospital room, not being able to shake off the image.
"Is that why you won't let me touch you anymore?" he asked softly.
You nodded and said, "I kind of can't let myself go anymore".
He grabbed your chin and forced you to look at him.
"But you trust me, don't you?"
"That's not the problem," you insisted.
"Then what is it? Aren't you attracted to me anymore?"
His lips gently touched your cheek, moved to your neck, and his strong arms pulled you closer to him. You stiffened a little, but let it happen.
"Darlin', relax, I'm still your Fives, your Soldier Boy".
A small giggle escaped you at the thought of the first time you called him that. It seemed like a lifetime ago. It felt like the distant past, and the smile on your lips faded again.
Five's lips continued to roam tirelessly over your neck, sucking on your pulse, which slowly began to race. Your heart beat faster, and you began to lean into his embrace, against him.
A familiar tingling spread under your skin, triggered by Fives' every touch. One of his hands moved under your tunic, slowly sliding to your breasts. First he embraced one then the other, feeling your nipples stand up and become clearly perceptible through the thin fabric of your bra, tickling them with his fingertips.
His lips moved close to your ear, and he whispered, "I bet I can still make you squirm in ecstasy."
"I never doubted that," you said breathlessly.
"That's what it sounded like to me"
You reached for his arm and pulled his hand out from under your tunic. You turned to him and looked directly at him.
"No, Fives, that's not the point I'm making. The thing that has settled in the back of my mind is the fear of losing you for good," you said seriously.
He sighed softly and caressed your cheek.
"My beauty, I will never leave you willingly as long as you want me, but you can't ask me to be someone I'm not. I am still a soldier, and must do what I think is right."
You swallowed and said somberly, "So must I."
He blinked and asked, "And what does that mean?"
"I don't know yet" you said quietly and stood up.
As you went into the house to get something to drink in the kitchen, he followed you. You heard his bare feet behind you. Fives could be very stubborn, and he wouldn't give you up so easily, you knew that. In a way, you were glad of that, but you weren't sure if you would agree this time.
"You're thinking about leaving me," he stated quietly.
You had your back turned to him, got a juice from the cooler and poured yourself a glass of it. Your heart was beating up in your throat, hard and defiant. Yet your words were calm as you said, "Just like you, I have to do what I think is right."
"So leaving me is the right thing to do?" he asked, sounding a little sharper than he intended.
You heard him take a deep breath before he added, "But I'm incomplete without you by my side."
Your hand clutched at the glass, you felt your muscles tense, a slight tremor went through your shoulders, and it burned behind your eyes.
"I can't follow you onto the battlefield, and I'm not willing to sit at home or at headquarters hoping and trembling to see if you make it back alive," you returned bitterly.
You turned to him, tears in your eyes, your voice brittle as you said, "I just can't do this, Fives."
His expression softened, he stepped closer to you and wiped a stray tear from your cheek.
You whispered, "I love you so much, I can't lose you, not like this. This feeling, this constant fear, would eventually break me."
"How about a compromise?" he suggested gently.
You looked at him questioningly, surprised.
"What do you mean?"
"What if we're both at headquarters? I'm a good strategist and Rex has already offered me that I could take an organizational, strategic role on the ground at headquarters. I would still be a soldier, involved in the resistance, but you wouldn't have to fearfully wait for me anymore."
A wave of relief rolled over you, but still you don't really dare to take a breath.
"Would you want to do that?" you asked cautiously.
Fives smiled wryly and nodded.
"I've been on the battlefield often enough and long enough, I have other qualities that can serve the fight for the good cause."
The tension drained from your muscles and your hands trembled slightly. The fear of actually leaving Fives had triggered a real adrenaline rush, which was now dissolving, leaving you with soft, shaky knees.
You nodded, close to tears with relief.
"I could live with that."
His smile widened, he came even closer, kissed your cheek, up to your ear and whispered, "And now I'll show you, in my own special way, that I'm still your Fives."
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Written by kbirb & read by @flowerparrish
Relationship: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Reva Sevander | Third Sister
POV: Reva Sevander | Third Sister
Rating: Teen and Up Audiences
Chapter(s): this is a chapter 2.5 for this hole in my heart, taking place before/during chapter 2 (but could be read/listened to as a standalone)
Tags: Angst, Fit-It of Sorts, Post-Order 66, AU - Canon Divergence, Kid Fic, Jedi Culture & Traditions, Order 66 Aftermath, Adopted Children, Minor Yoda Appearance, Jedi Younglings (Star Wars), Youngling OCs (Star Wars), Anakin Skywalker Kills the Jedi Younglings, Podfic
Length: 5,020 words | Audio Length: 37 minutes, 30 seconds
Summary:
Reva swallows. This doesn’t feel right. She tries to use her senses to seek out the master’s Force signature. With him so close, it should be able to ping right off of her consciousness, as familiar as it is. But there’s this choking feeling instead. Something rotten, corrupted. Though it is not a tangible thing, it fills her nose and her lungs. She wants to vomit. | text + podfic
Notes:
If you enjoyed this and are enjoying the rest of the series, please let us know your thoughts! Especially on how you think Reva will continuing handling the trauma!
A note about the next chapter for the series: It might not be as quick of an update as the first three were! Kaje is up again for Cody POV and with working, moving, Codywan bingo, and Codywan AU Fest, they wound up super swamped. But, also, who knows. This Chapter 2.5 wasn't supposed to exist and here it is!
Weeks had passed and finally Fives' condition had stabilized. You were alone with him in a hospital room, where he should wake up any moment. Your eyes wandered over his body. He had lost weight and lost energy during the time he had been in the baccta-tank. You were restless, waiting for him to finally wake up, which could happen any moment according to the medical staff.
You jumped up from your chair next to his bed as Fives began to move. You're bent over him as he slowly opens his eyes, with a low moan. He looked at you, blinked, and smiled.
"Good morning, Soldier Boy."
His mouth opened, and he wanted to say something, but his voice didn't obey him right away. Fives cleared his throat and finally said softly in a hoarse tone, "Hey Scardy Cat. What a wonderful sight. How long was I unconscious?"
You took a deep breath, thinking of the best way and words to explain the whole situation to him.
"How much do you remember about what happened?" you asked.
Fives thought for a moment, shook his head weakly and finally said, "Not much, we were caught off guard, an ambush, I took a hit, and it's all gone after that."
Again, you took a deep breath. You felt relief that he had regained consciousness, that you could talk to him again, but you were also flooded with emotions. Your hands were shaking, and you felt tears burning in your eyes.
Fives frowned and reached heavily for one of your trembling hands. He blinked in surprise at how difficult the movement was for him.
"What's the matter, sweetheart? You look like you're going to start crying at any moment."
"Fives, you almost died. You were in that baccta-tank for a whole three months."
He looked at you uncomprehendingly.
"Three months?" he asked in a croaky voice.
He tried to sit up, but barely had the strength. He slumped back again and said with a sigh, "That would explain why I'm so weak."
"Do you want me to help you?" you asked gently.
He hesitated, actually he wanted to do it alone, he didn't want to look weak in front of you, but he knew he couldn't do it alone, at least not yet. He would rather let you help him than a stranger. So he nodded and let you help him into a sitting position, and you adjusted the bed for him so that he could lean back while sitting.
This small movement alone was so incredibly exhausting for him that he felt dizzy and Fives had to collect himself for a moment. He looked down at his own body, which was mostly covered by a blanket.
"How bad is it, any permanent damage?" he wanted to know.
"No. But it was a damn close call. Rex quick action saved your life," you said seriously.
"Rex is okay?"
You nodded and explained, "He and Ahsoka are on the trail of a possible mole, someone who betrayed you, which is how this situation came about. Since you arrived here badly injured, they keep finding leads that seem to dissolve into nothing. Whoever the traitor is in our midst, he or she is damn good"
"A traitor," echoed Fives thoughtfully.
He squeezed your hand very gently and looked at you. He didn't seem like himself at all, he looked so different, almost alien. Fives would need some time to regain his strength and be himself.
"I can see the worry in your eyes. Don't fret so much, I'll be back on my feet sooner than you think, and we'll find this traitor before any more misfortunes happen."
You ground your jaws, thinking for a moment before answering, not knowing if this was the right time. But maybe the timing was just right.
"As soon as you're back on your feet, I think we should pull out of this".
Fives frowned uncomprehendingly.
"What do you mean?"
You felt the burn of tears again and said strained, "I didn't know if you'd survive, or die, or maybe just never wake up. Waiting for you to come back from missions is torture, and now that this has happened, it will be even more so. I can't do this anymore, Fives."
He looked at you, completely perplexed, surprised.
"Darling" he said softly, "I'm a soldier, always have been, it's what I was born to do".
Again you grind your jaws, this time frustration was involved.
"You were programmed and raised to be one, Fives. Maybe it's time you found your own way."
His look turned serious.
"I like being a soldier, still, with or without a chip, Republic or not. I want to fight with my brothers. Don't ask me to give that up."
After another deep breath, you said somberly, "Don't ask me to watch you die."
At first, Fives didn't know what to say. As you stood up, he asked, almost panicked, "Where are you going? Don't go away! Wait, darling, we need to discuss this calmly, preferably when I'm a bit better and..."
"I'll get the medical staff and make sure you get food and water," you interrupted him in a low voice.
As you pulled the door of the hospital room closed behind you, the first tears began to flow, your heart hammering in your chest. You heard him call your name a few times behind the closed door, then curse.
You were annoyed with yourself, it hadn't been the right moment, he was still so weak, and you didn't want to argue. It was probably better to retire for a few hours before you entered the room again. However, you hated to leave him alone, especially now. You felt like a hypocrite, all this time you had been watching over him every day, day and night, and now that he was awake, you withdrew.
You knew he needed you now, but you wouldn't leave him alone for long, just an hour or two to take a breath and collect yourself. Maybe even shorter. You just wanted to get this over with, the thought of him going out there again, to fight and get in danger like this, was unbearable.
Rex approached you when you had spoken to a nurse, who promised you that she would check on Fives with a doctor, and he would get everything he needed.
"You're not with him?" was the first puzzled question Rex asked.
"He's awake, he's more or less fine. We had a little disagreement. My fault, I should have waited to do that, he doesn't have the strength to deal with it yet. I don't want to argue with him, so I backed off for now."
Rex frowned.
"He just woke up and you guys were already fighting?"
You sighed.
"No, not fighting exactly.... it's complicated, and I don't want to discuss it with you right now"
Rex suppressed an eye roll, but then nodded and said, "If you change your mind, I'm a good listener"
"Thanks," you said quietly and watched him leave towards Fives room.
When Rex entered the room, Fives almost fell out of bed with excitement, but he almost looked a little disappointed.
"Where is she?" was his first question.
Rex smirked, "I'm glad to see you too."
Fives sighed, "Sorry, we just had such a weird situation and.... somehow I'm afraid she won't come back"
Rex raised his eyebrows.
"She's out in the hallway, she just needs some time to herself".
Fives sighed and slumped back down.
"She wants me to give up the rebellion, to stop being a soldier. Can you imagine?" he said with a tired smile.
Rex sat down on the chair next to the bed, folded his hands in his lap and said, "She has watched over you day and night, not only here at your bedside, but also when you were in the baccta-tank. She saw you in a very bad condition, she saw you almost die. Then she found out about the mole and insisted that you be protected day and night. Fives, she has been through a lot in the last three months, give her some time to collect herself. Try to imagine the situation the other way around.
Fives' expression fell. He ran both hands over his face and finally said, "Impossible, I can't and won't imagine that, seeing her in that state would kill me."
Rex nodded meaningfully.
"Now we're getting closer. Listen, you're a good soldier, but you don't have to stay. I don't want you to feel obligated because of me or any of the others. You have a real life, someone who loves you, if you want to savor that, then do it, you've already done more than enough as a soldier."
Fives sighed wistfully.
"I have to think about that. I love her more than anything, but I can't deny who I am. However, I am so weak right now that I feel like a stranger in my own skin. This doesn't feel like my body right now".
Rex said quietly, "Get better first, then you can still think about it. Take your time, don't rush it."
Rex tries to comfort you, but for you, he is to blame for Five's condition. He is the last person you want to talk to, and you let the captain feel that very clearly.
_________
Warnings: Angst/Tension/Hurt
_________
What Happened Before:
Soldier Boy
Part 2 - Caught In The Act
Part 3 - Tender Affection
Part 4 - Worries And Secrets
Part 5 - Welcome Back, Soldier Boy
Part 6 - I Should Have Known
Part 7 - Doing Something Stupid
Part 8 - Hot Tub
Part 9 - Seize The Night
Part 10 - We Need A Medic
Part 11 - Live To Fight Another Day
Part 12 - What Lies Ahead
Part 13 - An Unexpected Friend
Part 14 - Important News
Part 15 - The Beginning Of An Empire
Part 16 - Yoda
Part 17 - Unforgiven
Part 18 - The Depth Of Fear
Part 19 - Hope, Sorrow And Anger
You felt shaky and completely exhausted, as if you had run a marathon, when the medical staff finally told you that Fives had been taken care of.
"Is he stable?" you asked, your voice slightly hoarse from crying.
The medic droid answered you, "For now it looks good, patient Fives has a good chance of pulling through. However, he will have to stay in the baccta-tank for a while and is unresponsive."
Concern and relief alternated every second.
"A while? How long is a while?"
" According to initial estimates, at least four standard weeks," was the droid's reply.
"Four weeks," you said quietly.
That was a long time, a long time of not knowing if he would even wake up again. And it was not certain what condition he would be in when he awoke. Your thoughts were racing, your heart was pounding in your chest.
"Can I see him?" you asked softly.
"Of course. However, I must remind you not to touch anything, Patient Fives is in a fragile state."
You followed the droid into the room where Fives was. Bandaged and dressed only in boxer shorts. Floating in the liquid, he looked ghostly beautiful and so broken at the same time.
The droid said softly, and it sounded almost sympathetic, "I'll leave you alone for a moment."
You took a deep, shaky breath, placed a hand on the plastex that surrounded him.
Quietly you said, "Of course you threw yourself into the action, facing danger without hesitation, that's who you are, brave and maybe a little reckless".
With a sigh, you leaned your forehead against the tank.
"You need to rest for a while now, it'll take some time, but it's going to be okay. You are strong, you don't give up, I know you want me back in your arms as badly as I want you."
Your voice became quieter and quieter, more brittle. You felt that burning behind your eyes again, shortly after a few scattered tears, but you didn't let yourself break into sobs. Taking a deep breath, you wiped the tears away. When you suddenly felt a heavy hand on your shoulder, you spun around, startled, and slapped the arm that belonged to it away.
Rex looked at you, startled but gentle.
"It's just me."
You sigh, pinch the bridge of your nose with your thumb and forefinger, collect yourself for a moment.
You usually like Rex, a lot, you liked him a lot more before he turned his back on Fives back then. But that feeling of connection never really came back. Fives may have forgiven Rex, but you haven't quite yet. You couldn't help but feel a tremendous anger at the moment, and it was fixed on the captain who was now standing in front of you.
His expression changed, his eyes twitched back and forth a little uncertainly, not quite able to withstand your gaze. He seemed to sense what was going on inside you, it was probably written all over your face.
"Don't you dare tell me it's going to be okay, you're the last person I want to hear it from," you growled.
Rex sighed softly, straightened his shoulders a bit and nodded silently.
You looked back at Fives in the tank and said to Rex without looking at him, "Even though you abandoned him back then, Fives would follow you anywhere, even to death if the situation called for it. If I'm honest, I don't think you deserve this sacrificial loyalty."
Rex quietly said your name.
"What?!"
"I'm sorry. For everything. You know how complicated the situation was because of the chips, everything that happened then, and you know I would protect Fives with my life anytime."
Slowly, you turned your head back in his direction and said, "Is that so? Looks to me like you failed."
You could see Rex clenching his hands into fists, but he remained calm.
"I know you're hurt, worried and angry, you're looking for an outlet, a culprit, it's natural."
You say harshly and cuttingly, "I don't have to look very far to find the culprit."
Again your name comes across Rex's lips, this time like a warning.
"Stop wearing out my name, or I'll have to get another one" you say, and you had to smile as you realized that was something Fives would say.
Rex, not quite knowing what to make of it, remained silent, but still didn't leave your side.
You became serious again and said, "It's very simple, Rex. We were safe and happy together. I knew that if we left with you, everything could be torn apart. I didn't want to go, no way, but I knew Fives wanted to go, that the brother and the dutiful soldier in him couldn't help it. It wasn't easy for me, but I gave in to him because I knew I couldn't fight that determination of his."
You clenched your hands into fists and continued, "I used to really like you, but part of me now passionately hates you for tracking down Fives only to drag him back into battle. He deserved better. Most of all, he deserved better than this," you ended the sentence by pointing at the baccta-tank.
"Like you said once," Rex replied, "It's his destiny to fight."
"To fight and die for ungrateful warmongers?"
Rex sighed and said, "You know that's not true."
"All I know, is he shouldn't be in that tank right now."
Rex said quietly, "We agree on that. Someone betrayed us, we were ambushed. Ahsoka and I are in the process of determining who the mole is."
You looked up at him sharply, you hadn't thought of that.
"Fives should be guarded. Just in case."
"I don't think he's the target-"
"Are there any other clones here?" you interrupted him.
Rex nodded, "Gregor, Wolffe and Howzer returned from a mission today".
"They've been gone for three months? Or why have I never seen the three of them here before"
Rex nodded, "They were stuck on a moon for a long time after their mission due to technical difficulties"
You said, "I don't care if Fives was the target, I just want to make sure. Do you think the three of them would be persuaded to take turns guarding their brother?"
Rex sighed, actually he needed the three of them for other things, but if he refused now, he knew you would probably become his worst enemy.
"For sure," he said, "I'll talk to the three of them and send them here."
As he was leaving, you said, "Rex."
He stopped and turned around once more.
"Yes?"
"I want to talk to the mole when you find him"
Rex sighed, "That's probably not a good idea."
You said harshly, "Well interrogate him first then, if you don't need him anymore I want him for myself, you owe that to me and Fives"
Rex said, "I still don't think that's a good idea, but if you insist, I'll see what I can do"
You are not enthusiastic about participating in the resistance, mainly out of concern for Fives. But you know Fives is a soldier with heart and soul and is on fire for the idea of the resistance. However, his zeal could cost you both dearly.
________________
What Happened Before:
Soldier Boy
Part 2 - Caught In The Act
Part 3 - Tender Affection
Part 4 - Worries And Secrets
Part 5 - Welcome Back, Soldier Boy
Part 6 - I Should Have Known
Part 7 - Doing Something Stupid
Part 8 - Hot Tub
Part 9 - Seize The Night
Part 10 - We Need A Medic
Part 11 - Live To Fight Another Day
Part 12 - What Lies Ahead
Part 13 - An Unexpected Friend
Part 14 - Important News
Part 15 - The Beginning Of An Empire
Part 16 - Yoda
Part 17 - Unforgiven
Part 18 - The Depth Of Fear
You had retreated to a seedy, out-of-the-way bar. A place where no questions were asked. Fives and Rex still had to keep their faces covered by their hoods. The clones' faces were just too familiar and too conspicuous.
Under the table Fives held your hand, his fingers kept moving, he was a little nervous, restless, in good and bad ways. He feared you might be discovered, but he was also incredibly excited to see Rex again and to hear news about the resistance. The idea that he could be part of it pleased him very much, you rather less. It just meant new dangers for both of you, and really you just wanted Fives for yourself. That might be selfish, but in your opinion, Fives had experienced enough trauma for one lifetime, especially considering how short his life had actually been so far.
Rex looked at you, you knew he recognized the skepticism in your eyes, your reticence, and that he interpreted your silence correctly.
"You don't seem very enthusiastic about our proposals," he says quietly.
You looked at him seriously and replied, "About seeing Fives go back into battle? Of wondering again if he will ever return to me? Yes, indeed, I'm not necessarily looking forward to that."
All eyes were more or less on you in surprise.
With a sigh you said, "But I know how important this resistance is and how much Fives is a soldier, how much his fingers itch, I feel it even now. If it is his wish, I will not stop him. It's not my place to do that."
Fives looked at you urgently, let go of your hand to put his arm around your shoulders, gently pulled you close and kissed your temple.
"It means a lot to me that you are willing to support me, Cyare. But I don't want to make you unhappy, either."
You turned your head to face him and said with a small smile," You'll just have to come back to me after each mission."
Fives smiled, his words sounding full of conviction as he said, "I will".
3 Months later on Lothal
It was just as you feared. The anxiety about whether Fives would come back was again the order of the day. He had not reported back at the agreed time, nor had Rex. By now, even Ahsoka was nervous.
"I knew this would happen," you said tensely.
Ahsoka could feel your tension very clearly in the Force, you radiated a helpless anger that was outright blazing.
"We'll have to wait and see. Rex and Fives are very capable soldiers."
You gave her a sharp look and said more harshly than you had planned, "They are very good soldiers, that may be. But everyone has their limits, including them. Neither Rex nor Fives can depend on the magical Force to get them out of trouble"
You took a deep breath and said much more calmly, "Sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you like that"
Ahsoka nodded and said, "It's okay, I know. You're worried about Fives, I understand that"
"I'm not so sure about that"
Ahsoka looked at you in surprise.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Have you ever loved someone so much that you felt pain when you were away from that person? That worrying about that person choked you, kept you up at night, and tied your organs in knots? That you would willingly give your life anytime to see that person again?"
Ahsoka sighed softly and shook her head.
"No. Not to that intensity," she admitted, "But I would give my life for Rex as well as Fives if the situation called for it."
You said, "It's not the same. What you feel is not love, but a kind of sense of duty. But I can't blame you for that, you were raised not to form those kinds of bonds."
Ahsoka sighed, propped her hands on the console in front of her, and seemed to think for a moment.
You looked at her and said much more gently, "Don't get me wrong, I admire you, your discipline, your sense of duty. And I know you have a good heart, I would never want to deny that. I'm just frustrated out of concern for Fives. I hope you understand that."
Ahsoka looked up and smiled.
"I know. Fives is a lucky man. He has something that hardly any clones get to experience. True love."
Your smile grew a little wider. You couldn't wait to hold him in your arms again.
The beeping of the comm jolted you out of your thoughts. Sure enough, it was Rex who appeared on the holo.
"Send the medics to the landing platform, we have an emergency!"
That was all he said before his image disappeared from the holo again. Shortly after, you heard the sound of a shuttle landing. Ahsoka reacted immediately and sent medics to the landing platform. You followed her there and felt your limbs grow heavy as lead, your chest tightened, and your heart seemed to want to roll over. Rex and Fives had been traveling alone. Which meant the emergency involved Fives.
The medics entered the shuttle and came out a short time later. You had already expected it, and yet your legs began to shake when you saw Fives on the stretcher. Rex was walking next to the stretcher, behind the medics.
You grabbed his arm and held it tightly.
"What happened?" you asked sharply.
"An ambush," Rex said seriously, "They knew we were coming, they were already waiting for us. A squad intercepted us and opened fire immediately. Fives took a beating, but I think he can make it."
"He has to make it!" you murmured urgently, and unconsciously your hand tightened around Rex's arm.
You were shaking all over, you had the feeling that your legs would give way under you at any moment. Rex looked at you sympathetically, his armor had several new dents and burn marks, you noticed.
"He's going to make it," he said quietly, releasing your hand from his arm, grabbing your hand and leading you to the infirmary.
You were not allowed to enter the treatment room, only to watch through the viewing window. It felt so surreal to see him lying there. You couldn't see much of him, but the hectic pace of medics and droids treating him didn't bode well.
You were shaking so badly you couldn't hide it, your knees were so weak you couldn't stand upright. The thought that you might lose Fives dragged you down to an unimagined depth. You were breathing heavily. You automatically wanted to hold on to something, but your hands went nowhere. Rex reacted, however, and held you tightly when your knees finally gave way. He gently lowered you to the ground, where you sat shaking. Ahsoka tried to join you, but Rex shook his head and said, "I got this."
He felt responsible, after all this mission had been his idea and Fives had come along willingly, trusting his old captain.
"Breath, dear. Look at me, you've got to breathe, in and out. Slowly, deeply. Take a real breath, or you'll pass out on me," he spoke to you.
You looked at him, following his instructions without thinking. At the moment you felt lost and even though you were angry with him in a way, you were grateful for his guidance, his support at that moment.
You suddenly felt that your face was all wet, and you realized that you were crying.
You said in a strained voice, "This is why I didn't want to come here with Fives. I knew something like this would happen."
Rex sighed softly, wiping away your tears, but you slapped his hand away.
"Don't do that!" you snarled in frustration.
He raised his hands placatingly and said softly, "Okay, I won't touch you".
You felt incredibly sick, your stomach rebelling, but you breathed against it.
"I will not lose Fives," you said firmly, as if you could stop the death of the man you loved by sheer will.
