I still remember how you said you’d wait for me. I still remember how you took, and never really gave. I still remember how it felt when I started to drift. Maybe I should start at the beginning for you to understand why I still remember.
I remember when I started school there. I was dressed in black jeggings, black camisole, black cardigan, I had my black boots on, I wore my sunglasses in the school building, with my black purse slung over my shoulder. Some said I was weird, others said I was in mourning, but they didn’t know what I was mourning. I carried my black binder and in my bag had my black pen my black pencil, and my black taser. No one knew about that though. I went to all my classes, I ate lunch alone, and I rode the bus home alone. This went on for a week. Then in my online dual credit class Cowboy said I should hang out with his friends for lunch. Monroe said it’d be fun. So I said yes. I got my lunch and Cowboy and Monroe waved me over. I sat between to Monroe and Cowboy’s girlfriend because they were girls and I trusted them, somewhat. I looked up and I saw you across from me. Quickly I averted my eyes in hopes you wouldn’t notice me. But you did. You noticed me and asked me who was I. I didn’t tell anyone my name, instead, I gave my nickname. “PJ” that’s all I said. You introduced everyone including yourself. I didn’t eat lunch that day. You walked me to my locker, my hand in my purse. I grabbed my black composition book for chemistry class, and you walked me to class. You stopped talking and you asked why do I keep my hand in my purse? “Habit” all I said. You commented how I never talk in full sentences. I got scared, you asked if I’ve always been like this. I shook my head. You asked why then immediately asked if I was shy. I said “yes” but I wasn’t shy, I was terrified.
As the year rolled along I began to open up to you and we became friends. I continued to go to therapy, I was getting better. I was still scared of being touched and you respected that. You didn’t understand why, but you didn’t touch me without me knowing first so I wouldn’t panic again. At the end of the year, I told you why I was scared, and why I transferred schools in the middle of the year. You were sad and angry. You said you’d protect me.
It was the beginning of junior year. I added new colors to my wardrobe, you noticed. I was happy, this was my fresh start. I got a job, I quit my job. Then you asked me out. I said “but I’m broken,” you said you wanted to fix me. I was scared, but I told myself this was my year. “Okay, but my dad can’t know,” you said that was odd but okay. You held my hand and I slowly heald yours. This went on for two months. We were finishing lunch and as we hugged you whispered in my ear that you loved me. I freaked and went to class. I know that hurt you but that didn’t matter to me I was terrified and a blubbering mess I didn’t know what to do. You didn’t say anything. You broke up with me. I didn’t know what to do. I dressed in black and went to school. Your friend D came up to me and said I’m sorry. That only made me cry harder, I pulled out my sunglasses and walked to class. For a week you said nothing to me. I was hurting, and I didn’t know what to do so I started to cut. I did what I knew what was going to make me stop feeling this way again. My friend J saw them and said why am I doing this to myself I said you wouldn’t understand. And she hit me for it. Multiple times. She said I was being stupid, and selfish. I said “Don’t tell him, please?” she said now I was really being stupid and she told you. Everybody found out, and the day after my mom’s birthday Cowboy’s girlfriend, Stitch and his girlfriend Squishy all told me to talk to you and tell you why I got scared. I texted you and explained everything. You said that’s all I need to do. You asked me if I wanted to try this again, I said “please” and we did. You promised we’d take it slow and you won’t hurt me. I was happy. It was homecoming game, you picked me up from home and took me to the game. I had no clue what was going on, so you explained it to me. I turned around and told you “I love you” you were happy and leaned over and kissed me. I had been your first kiss, you said you sucked at kissing, I said “I’ll teach you.” you taught me how to love so I’ll teach you how to kiss. Christmas came, I got you candy, you got me a ring and a pillow shaped like a dragon. I named him Mushu. It was almost valentines and I spoiled you with gifts you got me candy a card and a teddy bear. I randomly bought you a sword. My dad knew about us, so we were in the clear. I just want you to know real quick. I still sleep with Mushu and occasionally wear my ring. Things were different after Valentine’s day. You were different. You kept asking if we could. I kept saying no. You pushed. I gave you head. I swallowed. You said you loved me. I smiled. I still loved you too but I couldn’t get it out. There was a horrible taste in my mouth and it wasn’t you. It was your love.
Your love was different. You fell out of love with me and in love with my body. And slowly I fell in love with the pain you caused me. The pain I felt each time you asked started to overwhelm me I couldn’t handle it. I started to look for different pains to mask the ones you caused. I stopped eating, and I turned to my razor. You saw and you hit me for it. I stopped cutting and I started to scratch. It took you awhile to notice. You were mad. You hit me harder and started to kick me. This time there was a bruise. You saw and said nothing but your eyes said don’t tell. My sister saw the bruises, I laughed and said “I tripped and fell, again” She said that I needed to be bubble wrapped. I couldn’t handle it so I took 50 pills of ibuprofen. Meggles called me, she knew something was wrong. She found out I took the pills and told me to drink a lot of water. I did. I walked to lunch the next day, and just like the day before I gave you my lunch, as we left you to hit me in the middle of the cafeteria, and said that was for not finishing the job. It was a week before prom, two weeks before finals started. It was April 18th, 2014. Stitch, Squishy you, and I all agreed to go to your house to study for our tests.
Do you remember now? Do you remember how we never studied? Do you remember how you pulled my pants off and pulled me on top and how you fucked me? I remember I never said yes, but you probably remember that I never said no. this went on for 3 hours. You fucked me orally, vaginally, and anally. I went home sore and empty with a smile on my face that you stapled. It hurt to walk and sit, but I had to act normal. I didn’t eat that night, I told my parents that your mom bought pizza, she never did I left before your mom showed up. I was out of it that whole weekend. Monday rolled around. You walked with your head held high I walked in with my sweater and sweats on. It was hot that day, but I felt nothing. You asked me if I was okay, but I said: “I’m okay, just caught a bug that’s all.” I threw up before school let out. We had that class together. You asked me if I was pregnant. That’s all you were worried about. “No,” You said that that was a relief. Right though because I’m 16 and your 18 and that was a relief. You kept me late and made me miss my bus. You fucked me in the cafeteria after school. I lied to my mom “I needed help with a paper for English class.” She tells me she’s glad I’m taking class serious this year. It was Prom night. You didn’t go. But I did. We went to after prom together. You tried again, I finally said no. You got mad and hit me. I couldn’t handle it. The clock struck 1. Mom texted me she was outside, you already left home. A week went by you ignored me, rumors started. I was a whore and I was a slut. You said nothing. I was hurting.
It was Friday, May 7th, 2014. This was my last hope for you to help me. But you didn’t. You see, I told you when I was scared to love you that I was having problems. I told you I heard voices. I told you that I was depressed. I told you that I had anxiety. You said, “I may not understand what that is but I know that you aren’t alone and I’ll be there to help you.” I needed your help. You weren’t there to help. You said you’d help, and you never did. I couldn’t help it, I was hurting and I had no-one. I opened the bottle and swallowed one hundred pills of painkillers. I wanted to end it all. I started to drift away. Further and further into darkness. It was painless. I guess that's the whole point of a painkiller. It felt good. I still remember how each pill slid down my throat. I still remember how each pill promised me an ending. How do you remember it? Do you remember how I remember it? Or did you forget it all and move on?
Don’t worry obviously I lived. My dad found out in time to save me. He took me to the hospital. I was too high on painkillers and almost everything slipped out. Don’t worry I didn’t tell them how I wasn’t ready for you yet you still took. Yet. I told them about the pills. I was on suicide watch for 24 hours. Then shipped to a mental institution for 10 days. I didn’t know you broke-up with me. My dad told me Tuesday night before I was released. My mom didn’t want me knowing until I was better. I told all my friends that you were my boyfriend. I was honestly excited to see you. But when he told me you didn’t want me anymore, I was devastated. I kept quiet. I didn’t want my dad to see me cry. So we finished out visitation, I went to my room, My roommate noticed something was wrong. I told her and we broke the rules and she hugged me as I cried. I cried myself to sleep, and then my doctors didn’t want to release me just yet, but they couldn’t hold me there much longer. And when I got home I realized it was never going to be the same.
You see you made me fall in love with you when I was too scared to love. You made me feel things I was terrified of feeling. I never really recovered. You were my last boyfriend. I dated once after you. She was perfect, but we were better off as friends. I never really dated after I dated you. In a way, you broke me. I was never the same after you. I’ve tried to date honestly I have tried. But I can’t. You still hold me hostage. I don’t love you anymore, but I’m still tied to you. I hope you can feel the happiness I am not capable of feeling. I hope you find someone you can spend the rest of your life with. Maybe this is what I needed. Maybe I just needed to tell you one last thing. I don’t expect you to write me back, Honestly, I don’t really expect you to read this. Who knows, you might throw it away, you might not even get it. I may never even mail it to you. But I got it out. I wrote you everything I needed to write to you.
Hopefully, you learn, that we as people have a big impact on other people. We may never realize it but we do, and it can heal us or it can tear us down.
