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The Apes of Ophir (Apocrypha by Aladdin Collar)

1 Kings 10:22. For the king had at sea a navy of Tharshish with the navy of Hiram: once in three years came the navy of Tharshish, bringing gold, and silver, ivory, and apes, and peacocks. When the alliance of YHWH landed their ships in the port of Ophir, Solomon let loose his demons to wreak great havocs upon the city.

The Legions of Aamon tore through the markets, smashing pottery, shredding tapestries.

The Legions of Morax lurched to the nurseries, and turned all the babes left-handed, and sour.

The legions of Räum belched filth into the wells, and blackened the skies with shadow.

The folk of Ophir were duly afeared.

“Please halt your siege,” the King of Ophir begged of King Solomon.

“Will you renounce your pagan gods in the name of the one true Lord?” King Solomon asked the King of Ophir, as they walked in the courtyard.

Andromalias painted the tetragrammaton on the cut-stone path. The Knights of Ophir died on the walls, in defence against swarming horrors.

“We will not renounce our gods,” the King of Ophir told Solomon, defiant.

“Then you must pay tribute to Jerusalem, every three years,” Solomon decreed. “I see much of your city is adorned with gold, silver, and ivory.”

“Ophir has the finest adornments in all the lands,” the King of Ophir replied.

“Then you will send two hundred fifty talents of each with your tribute to Jerusalem.”

To this, the King of Ophir agreed.

“I see many beautiful birds around your palace gardens,” King Solomon said.

“Ophir has the gentlest, most colorful peacocks in all the land,” the King of Ophir replied.

“Then you will send a hundred mating pairs with your tribute to Jerusalem.”

To this, the King of Ophir agreed.

“I see many great apes swinging from the spires of your temples,” Solomon said.

“Ophir has the shrewdest troops of apes in all the lands,” the King of Ophir replied.

A troop looked on from the trees above.

“You will send a hundred troops with your tribute to Jerusalem.”

To this, the King of Ophir agreed, and to supply ivory, pearls, and sandalwood as well. Such was the covenant, signed honorably in blood, witnessed by Solomon’s Dantalion and Orobas, attested by all of their legions combined.

The demons withdrew from their assaults, and Ophir and its quaint jungles returned to peace; humbled, but unconquered.

When the first tribute from Ophir arrived in Jerusalem, delivered by the laboring fleets of Tyre and Tarshish, Solomon learned much of the nature of apes, and found them quite to his unliking.

The apes taunted the livestock, antagonizing the goats with hooting and toothy grins.

The apes broke high windows with stones, casting glass into the streets below.

The apes ravaged the marketplace; stealing fruit and milks, overturning carts, hurling defecation.

Solomon’s guards could not catch the apes of Ophir; the animals made fools of those who meant them harm. The demons would not approach them, for there are no apes in Hell, and even the cruelest masters fear what they do not know.

After consulting ancient scrolls, ascendant masters, prophets, beggars, and fools, King Solomon finally begged, in prayer, for assistance from above. Metatron descended.

“The covenant was signed honorably in blood,” Metatron reminded him. “The hand of god will not help quell your apes.”

And so, the troops remained in Jerusalem, wreaking small havocs in perpetuity. Whenever Solomon heard their gibbering shrieks, he was reminded that sometimes even Kings make mistakes.