#otqp

[unlessimwrongwhichyouknowimnot]

We should make OTQP a thing (One True Queerplatonic Pairing). As in, FitzSimmons are my OTQP @buskidsburgade

[acesthetically-pleasing]

The human concept of friend is most nearly duplicated in Vulcan thought by the term t’hy’la, which can also mean brother and lover.

(aromantic heteroflexible) Jim Kirk/Spock (demiromantic demisexual)

let’s celebrate relationships on asexual and aromantic spectrum! (2/?)

[waltzforpoly]

seroquel - day 45, 46

400mg last night 100mg this morning

happy new year

I don’t want this post to be a whole retrospective on my year because I don’t want to relive it, but 2014 was awful

last night QP and I set up a fire, wrote down the worst bits, and then threw them into the flames one at a time

it was cathartic

we made s’mores and watched Silver Linings Playbook and identified with the characters way too much and cried and held each other as we fell asleep

fuck you, 2014

today we made pancakes and designed fun t-shirts and ate pasta and drank tea before I rushed home after datefriend had a suckish work experience and asked to visit

it’s been a while since we’ve actually had the privacy for sex and it was really nice to feel the serotonin rush and the emotional bond bits

he left me his hoodie and got me a Rocket Raccoon plushie

my mom finished my scrapbook in which every year since I was born she has written me a “birthday letter”

I read my 19th year and cried for how full of terrible lows and wonderful highs it has been

new drugs for a new year, I add lamictal in the morning

here goes

intake: pasta with olive oil and spices, chocolate Chex cereal with almond milk, gf pancakes, gf chocolate cupcakes (2), earl grey tea, Starbucks soy peppermint mocha, homemade fried rice, toasted marshmallows, Hershey’s chocolate, mango lemonade

[waltzforpoly]

seroquel - 39 + 40 + 41

400mg at night 100mg in the morning extra anxiety meds

Christmas was as good as it was gonna be, I made it.

Yesterday I went to the knitting store with my grandmother and she got yarn to knit me legwarmers with, which is lovely for her because she gets to knit and lovely for me because yay legwarmers, and we had Italian wedding soup for lunch, after which I hung out with favorite cousin and ate peanut butter balls and figured out how to set my ear piercings.

After that adventure, I went with my other grandmother and aunt to see Into the Woods, get Thai food, and then head over to a nail decorating party with the female cousins (a generation above me). I have Captain America nails, it’s great.

We met Beth and some of her family for brunch, as we often do, before getting on the road around 11:30AM.

I feel numb and things with QP are rough right now and datefriend isn’t around much.

Honestly the numb is easier to deal with than the anxious. I feel nothing but vague sadness, but honestly right now that’s the best I’m gonna get.

[waltzforpoly]

seroquel - day 34 + 35

400mg last night 100mg this morning

I’ve spent most of the past 24 hours with qp and that’s been nice, that’s helped

but there is still an awful undercurrent of sad no matter where I go or what I do it is all just a distraction from this default state of sad

it’s not even sad enough to cry about it’s just an ache from somewhere I can’t pinpoint or define

I saw Van Gogh today, we went to the National Gallery, and his work so accurately depicts his mental illness if you view it linearly

I feel like his paintings at the low points, pale, dull, drab, washed out, rinsed of all color and light

too often I’m good at faking it, I think my parents are under the impression my meds are working well

Christmas is looming on the horizon and I am worried and scared

people are hard, I feel so drained of fake emotions

I’m so tired

intake: chocolate chip pancakes,

p.s. I installed a mood tracker on my phone that qp showed me, I hope it helps

[waltzforpoly]

seroquel - day 23 (late)

350mg last night 100mg this morning

I didn't get around to writing yesterday but I saw datefriend. he came over for a while just to cuddle and just to not until eventually we got hungry and decided to venture to the mall for burgers and shopping.

he bought me a hat because he is a sweetheart.

all was well and good until I got a text from QP saying they were getting driven to the hospital and I just shut down and stopped then and there in the middle of the mall. datefriend got me to a bench and put his arm around me while I talked to QP and got them through the ride to the hospital, only to find out they couldn't be admitted yet.

with all the stress I was pumping absurd amounts of adrenaline through my veins so I ate a huge meal and then came and did a bunch of reorganization of my dorm room and today I will be figuring out which things to take home with me over break and what can stay.

I also figured out all the books I need to buy for next semester's courses and plan to get them purchased and start reading ASAP. I am looking forward to next semester, but it's not gonna be easy As, so I wanna get a start on things.

intake: elevation burger and fries, turkey/salami sandwich with olives/onions/lettuce/tomato/banana peppers/mayo, huge mountain of more fries, big handful of hersey kisses

[crow-cathedral-blog]

I honestly headcanon Scully and Mulder as being in a queerplatonic relationship. I could never see either of them being in a traditionally romantic relationship because their friendship is too deep. It's honestly just....so perfect and gives me a lot of feels. The romantic tension in the story, to me, was never going in the direction of traditional romance so much as a deep and intimate lifelong companionship.

[waltzforpoly]

seroquel - day 19

300mg 10PM last night 100mg 12PM this morning

last night was so good and relationship affirming with datefriend, they are not okay and I am not okay but it felt slightly less awful to be not okay together than not okay alone and just the physical affection alone made me feel so much 

they are such a good part of my life and I am so absurdly grateful to have them, especially when I'm in this weird spacey disconnected place

today has been really laid back, I took a shower, packed my backpack for Orlando, and have been downloading a couple articles for my final paper for intro to women and gender studies, I've got about two of eight to ten pages written, so not bad at all

I haven't left my room, which I should probably do at some point, but my dad is coming to pick me up in less than two hours so nahhhh

my psych called me back and said that while there are meds to get rid of the seroquel dreams, they're the hardcore PTSD blood pressure meds, so he wants me to try melatonin first, which is fine

I also did some of my Christmas shopping and it looks like I may actually be able to get everything together by Christmas rather than waiting until January, which is awesome news, if only because I love giving presents so very much pt 2:

therapy went okay and she finally gets why I resent people my own age so much without telling me I'm self righteous and that was good and she was so affirming of my college choices and that was so good but I think I was avoidant about my worst things happening

I came home to family dinner and my dad cooked fancy things because my mom won an award for Administrator of the Year and I missed real cooking quite a bit, it was so good to eat steamed broccoli I didn't even understand`how much I missed it until after the fact

I watched a show with my mom and fell into mixed so fast without realizing it and than managed to hurt and/or alienate three completely separate friends/groups, datefriend/m/UMD, all whilst QP was at metamour's concert for the night which honestly feels like a good thing considering how self centered and awful I feel right now and how mean I was to everyone

I took the melatonin like my psych said, I hope it keeps the dreams away, but I kind of want to just sleep in my clothes

the sunset tree is just on constant repeat in the background 

intake: fresh veggies! (cucumbers and red bell peppers), gf pretzel chips, beef tenderloin w/mushrooms and onions, broccoli, roasted potatoes