HOW TO BECOME DIVORCED IN 15 EASY STEPS—TUTORIAL
1. Miss your son's first steps. 2x4
2. Miss your son's medical appointment. 2x4
3. Miss your son's portrait appointment, but do not call your wife and kid to warn them about a terrorist attack at the mall they were supposed to be at because it would be a security breach. It's not like they could die there, right? Only after your co-worker tells you to, call her. 2x10
4. Make unrealistic promises. 2x19
"I promise, I'll make it up to you."
5. Realize "I'm the father and the husband who's never there." 2x19
In the meantime, offer your support to a kid who lost his father because you know what it's like, and his dad reminded you of your own one.
6. Do not comfort your wife after possible unsub delivers to your house an alarming message that comes with a package. 1x22
7. While your wife is delighted at the possibility of seeing you regularly because you're suspended and transferring to a different department, prioritize the job you're about to lose anyway. 3x2
8. Then, torment your wife with information about a brutal case to justify leaving. And if your actions haven't shown this enough, don't forget to tell her that your job and team are more important. 3x2
9. Manage to get your job back and come back to an empty house. 3x2
10. Present a case to your team to occupy your mind from missing your son and wife, and hope that overworking yourself helps. 3x3
11. Make a phone call to hear your son's voice, which will ease the ache in your heart for at least the duration of that call. Warning: it might make it worse. 3x4
12. Go see your wife and son. Realize your marriage is over. 3x5
13. Receive divorce papers. 3x11
14. Let your co-worker inform you about your infuriated and unable to contact you almost-ex-wife. 3x14
15. Sign them. 3x14
