Jul 23, 2025
I know everyone loves toxic spamtenna and stuff and that IS cool and all but for me... spamtenna crying in eachothers arms saying they missed eachother 🤤🤤 sorry maybe I'm too freaky I hope this isn't too NSFW for tumblr
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I know everyone loves toxic spamtenna and stuff and that IS cool and all but for me... spamtenna crying in eachothers arms saying they missed eachother 🤤🤤 sorry maybe I'm too freaky I hope this isn't too NSFW for tumblr
TO LEAD A LIE OR WATCH YOUR DAUGHTER DIE
I FORCES THE ISSUE WHAT A WASTE OF TIME
IT'S WRONG
IT'S RIGHT
AND GOD, I'M SO ALIVE
SO LEAVE HER BEHIND ITS AN EYE FOR AN EYE
Is it love or a panic attack? Chapter 3. (Final)
Hello my little pogchamps. Mommy battled her own lazine- lack of motivation to bring you this one. And I'm really proud of it!! I improved the formatting a bit, I'm finally getting more used to posting fics on tumblr.
This is the last chapter of my OC, Mai's, backstory fic. If you haven't read the other ones, I encourage you to do so before you read this one. <3
Word count: 4835
Trigger warnings are kind of heavy on this one: Brief mention of prostitution, quite graphic description of a suicide attempt and hallucination from blood loss, implied attempted sexual assault, implied panic attack, violence described in a flashback, allegories to sexual content.
Thank you to my wonderful friends, Laly and Willow for helping to beta read this fanfic, and for all the wonderful folks on the Big Bad Dogs Discord server that gave me ideas for the story. <3
I hope you enjoy 💖
----
It has been 7 months since Mai’s 19th birthday, and she was in love.
“Stooop! Not in public, you’re such a perv!” The girl bent over in laughter like somebody shot her, her boyfriend’s arm quickly reaching out her way to hold her up. Not letting your significant other eat shit, truly the most romantic gesture of all.
Mai clung to that arm like a lifeline, letting it slowly pull her up, and not so subtly tuck her into its owner’s side.
“Nobody’s around!” Will dramatically reached his free arm out, gesturing towards the gigantic crowd of people around them like he was a marketer showing off a new device that cooked on its own, cleaned itself so you didn’t have to and like, divorced you from your annoying wife or whatever.
To his benefit, nobody really did pay attention – this was LA, after all. Even back in Phoenix, people usually only cared about their own business. Considering this, she doubted the people in California even saw beyond the tip of their own cold-bitten nose.
“You’re cold?” Will mocked her when they first landed two days ago. Asshole. He doesn’t get it. Any temperature below 60F is inhumane.
The darkness of the night almost couldn’t be recognized beneath the sheer amount of neons, street lights and brightly lit storefronts, which came together to create a sort of artificial day, one you’d only ever experience in the big city. Mai loved the chaos of it. Men and women, adults and children alike all having fun, awaiting the moment the clock struck midnight and 2006 was left behind forever.
And Mai was ready. Because what a bitch of a year. She would’ve bought a pair of those 2007 shaped glasses if she didn’t know they would all end up in a landfill somewhere by January 2nd. Damn, the people who manufacture those will probably go broke when the 2010s begin.
A warm hand like the summer heat suddenly found itself around Mai’s. Yeah… Last year hadn’t held mercy, and neither did the one before, but now the future was looking as bright as the Californian streets.
A gentle shoulder suddenly checked her own, and it was enough to tear her out of whatever train of thought she was lost in. “You alright there, Mimi?”
That silly nickname… Mai called him “Weewee” back once. He didn’t like it.
“Better than ever.” She looked to him with a smile. “Thank you again for taking me out here.”
“You’re welcome.” William squeezed her arm as he said this. “You know, you can reward me for it later…”
Boys. Wake up your napping girlfriend, tell her you’re going to LA for New Year’s eve without any explanation, then expect endless praise for it. She had to give it to him though: she hasn’t felt so carefree since she left the stage.
In a life insistent on teaching her the same lessons over and over again, she really showed everyone that happiness was waiting at the end of the road. Three months or so ago it felt like all of her instincts and sensibility themselves were disappointed and always contemplating what to do with her, and she did nothing to prove them wrong.
She tried everything in her power to put ice on the wound Mack had left, but no woman or man was enough. They were all just bandaids, and the moment she stepped back into the rain they washed away in the downpour. It didn’t give her anything, besides that time she was offered money for it. She didn’t feel anything, even shame. Just numb.
But in the end, it was stupid of her to give up on love already before her age even got the chance to have the number 2 as its first digit.
Lights did flash in the tunnel, but this time it wasn’t a train — the lights were brown, and so gorgeous.
If her life was to look like this, like this stupid trip, slow dancing in the hotel room and warming each other with just their naked skin in the dark, then none of her life mattered before. No girlfriend, boyfriend, hookup, nobody else, but him. The love of her life.
This is right where infinity began.
“I love you.” She muttered out.
Those lips against her cheek were the only thing she needed anymore. “I love you more. You’re the only one for me.” He smiled at her once he straightened. “Any New Year’s resolutions?
She only had to think about it for a second. “No more letting people push me around. Never again.”
“That’s my girl!” William whooped for her and she giggled at his stupidity. “Damn, what if you don’t even need me around anymore soon? You’re getting so independent, I’m proud of you, you know.”
See? So stupid. “Curse it all, my plans are foiled!” She squeezed his arm, either in reassurance or as a poor way to scold him. “Don’t say that, hon.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “I can’t wait for our life together.”
“Mmm.” The brunette boy simply nodded. He looked at her with a big smile. It was always enough to light up the dark; those dimples, that silly, curly mop of brown hair that could never stay in place no matter how long she tried to style it for. All of him came together like ingredients for a beautiful cake that Mai just wanted to sink her teeth into and lick the cream off her lips.
“Well, my New Year's resolution… I want to find a place for us both to live.”
Oh?
“Oh? In Phoenix?” She questioned.
Will shook his head. “We could stay here.”
“Brave.” She smirked at him. “I know you’re always dreaming in that head of yours, but I don’t have that kind of money. We just paid eight dollars for two coffees.”
“I’ll pay for it.” He said, and she knew he wasn’t kidding. “I just want you to be happy. A change of scenery would be good for you.”
Mai blinked. “Maybe…”
Well, if Mai knew one thing, it was that Phoenix was cursed, filled with memories she’d rather erase forever. Every bar, street corner, park, her past was always hanging above it like a neon sign, just like the ones in LA.
Would leaving it all behind… Really be the best move for her?
Mai shook her head. “You know, Lima and the others aren’t that bad.” She tried to rationalize. “I feel like I could get closer to them if I tried. It’d be nice to have some girl talk once in a while.”
Will’s brow furrowed. “They treat you like a child.”
Ah…
Well, the holy trinity of fake lashes that lived with Mai were older than her. But there was something else. Pity. That’s why she could never get along with them. But tomorrow was a new year! Maybe it’s the push she needs to tell them how she feels and turn over a new leaf?
Her boyfriend stopped in his steps and looked at her fully this time. “Really, M? Surely you’re not considering staying behind for them?”
Ah. Well…
“...No.”
No. Will was right. She wasn’t going to beg for them to treat her like a normal person. She wanted to show them all. Mai is more than a charity case. More than an orphan, more than a whore.
The fear was there. Although whenever she thought about it lately, ‘beginning life anew’ had a nice ring to it. What exactly would she have to miss?
He was right, everything she loved was right beside her.
One could say she didn’t exactly have a great experience with moving in with her partners. That is, she had a track record of one guy who assaulted her when she dumped him.
But Will wasn’t like that. It was easy to tell, really. Mack was always the reserved type, holding back a lot of his affection, making her fight for it, if he even still had any left in him after spending it all on his ‘female friends’. But William? He doesn’t hold back. In just those three months they’ve spent together, he’s shown her that he loves her above all else.
With him, everything is special. And this would be special too.
“...If we really do end up moving here, I’ll start auditioning for gigs again.” She smiled at the thought.
Will had to bend down to kiss her on the forehead. “Here she is.” Mai’s muscles practically went slack beneath his lips. “You’re all I need, Mai.”
She nearly felt a tear make its way to her eye. “I love you too. I need you.”
“You’ll have your own studio. I’ll even let you have one of those freaky animals you like so much.” He hugged her as he said it. “You know my roommates are stupid idiots too. It’ll be a sigh of relief for me to get away from them.”
Mai snorted. “I thought you liked theem.” She sing-songed, dragging out the last syllable of the sentence.
Will only rolled his eyes. “We understand each other ‘cus we’re all guys, but if I wake up to one of them puking in my room at 3am again…”
She couldn’t help laughing out loud. “And watching me puke would be better how…?” She furrowed her brow at him.
“‘Cause you’re my girl.” He kissed the corner of her lips. “So I love everything you do.”
“Riiight.” She giggled. “We’ll see about that when we get there.”
“WOO!” He pumped his fist in the air, like a child. Right after that, he pressed his lips to the side of her head. “Can’t wait to have all my stuff smelling like your candles, babe.”
“Ah-ah, I haven’t agreed yet.” Mai teased.
Will straightened up and smiled at her, and every doubt she might’ve had disappeared in an instant. “But you said ‘we’ll see’, which is basically an agreement in women terms!”
Before Mai could even open her mouth, something turned both of their attentions to the crowd around them instead.
“Ten, nine, eight…”
“Oh shit, already!?”
“Seven, six, five…”
“Come here, babe.”
“Four, three, two…”
“One!”
The crowd shouted, but they couldn’t hear it anymore. Neither the cheers or the fireworks popping in the sky made their way to the couple’s ears – The only sound they cared about was the other’s breath against their lips, and the only feeling present was their lips pressing together as last year ended, and the cycle continued.
And Mai repeated to herself the words she finally believed: “I’m going to be okay.”
----
Upon lazily brushing her teeth for what was definitely not four repeats of the Happy Birthday song (while enduring Lane’s comments about taking things in the mouth and whatnot) Mai finally left her tiny bathroom, turning off the irritatingly yellow light behind her.
The brunette’s feet practically dragged across the wooden floor until she arrived completely drained at her messy bed, and promptly threw herself down on it as if someone tossed her.
God, at least there was this one ray of sunlight: amongst battles with bills and debt and rent, she got to keep the bed. That meant if she died and nobody noticed, at least she’d become one of those cool cases where people melt into furniture. She wonders if the landlord would still want it back after that… It’s a good ass bed after all.
Mai indeed practically melted into the mattress, unwrapping and rewrapping herself with her blanket multiple times without hearing even a single squeak from the other side of the receiver. Did Lane actually fall asleep?
“Girl, you sound like you’re having sex over there.”
No.
I wish. “Shut up.” She mumbled out.
“Is that all you’re capable of saying to me?” That smirk practically dripped off of every word his mouth was spewing.
“No. I’m just tired, and you’re stupid.” Saying that, she yawned as if to confirm her point.
Mai thought her phone made a beeping sound and quietly panicked at the thought of the phone call bill that was about to be dropped on her, before hearing what sounded like a flat ass dropping on a couch that clearly wouldn't be able to take many more beatings. It’s like she was begging him to let her die.
It took about 90% of her brain power to talk without sounding like she was having a stroke. “You’re playing this late?”
“What do you meannn?” The unmistakable sound of the Xbox menu — what? She’s played her fair share of console games back in the day — mixed with the sound of the dusky-haired boy’s voice in her right ear. “It’s 8am, bright and early! Perfect time to be gunning down kids... Online.”
God bless America.
“Alright, well,” She said, pausing to swaddle her already blanket-swaddled body in her quilt, “I happen to like being well-rested.”
“Oh, fuck you- Really?” Lane snorted. “Crazy considering your eyes always look like someone beat you.”
“And you sound like you wanna get kicked in the nuts.” Lane mumbled something like, “Damn buy me dinner first.” That she refused to acknowledge, before his next words made her pause.
“Have you eaten anything after coming back?” You’d think his tone would be absentminded, too absorbed in whatever stupid shooter he has displayed on his TV, but no. It was genuine, even though she couldn’t see him, it felt as though he was turning his gaze towards her. Like those icy blue eyes were in her room, piercing through her, making her shiver beneath two layers of sheets.
Mai was only a woman. She had no shame in admitting that Lane caught her eye from the get-go. Like a very ugly piece of pottery in an otherwise charming little salon. Or, well… Rather, a beautiful sky in the window of a gray prison cell. You get the metaphor.
And those eyes. Mai has always been told that her eyes were unique. Green and blue coming together, the only part of her that really ever stood out without any extra effort from her. She used to dislike them. It felt like they were supposed to be blue, but someone spilled something over them.
Now? Eh. She didn’t really care. And telling people “Actually, it’s called central heterochromia,” was bragging rights.
But Lane’s? They were the kind of blue she used to wish she carried. If someone stopped time, she could get lost in them. So cold, they looked like what winter felt like, and on a man that ran as hot as him, it was a contrast she wanted to spend hours exploring.
Too bad they were a trap.
Mai quickly shook her head. Get your mind back in the game, Chylinski. Well, there is no game. At least on her side of the receiver.
“Uh…” Don’t say you had instant noodles. Don’t say you had them for the fourth day in a row. “Yeah, I… fried some rice.” Fantastic. You’d almost be able to lie to a toddler.
“Yeah, good girl knows her way around a kitchen. Oh come on, that should’ve hit.” In hindsight, Lane and a toddler weren’t that far off from each other. Mai had burned water once.
The brunette laid there for just a second, and breathed. Took everything in. Lane’s controller clicking and the man’s whispered curses tickling her ears in tandem. The cold breeze from the drafty window brushing past her cheeks, in stark contrast with the warmth enveloping her body. Darkness filled her vision, just the way she liked it. Mai could already feel her eyes closing.
But before that.
“Hey Lane?”
“-r mom is a bitch- Yeah? You ok over there?”
Mai yawned deeply, a bit of water whirlpooling her eyes. “...Why are you nicer to me on the phone than in real life?”
Time stood still, just for a second. Did she actually manage to fluster that blabbermouth again? Today had to be some kind of record. She could pat herself on the back.
Actually, the silence was kind of nice… Maybe if she just closed her eyes…
“...Cause I can’t see your pretty ass getting pissed whenever I say something, so why bother?” Okay, moment is gone. “You’re the lucky one, being able to hear my sexy voice and all.”
“Your voice sounds like a clown trying to be sultry.” She mumbled, without much heart or conviction.
“Mmhm.” Lane didn’t sound like he wanted to keep entertaining their little back and forth. For better, or for worse. But there was no malice in his hum. “But you’re still talking to me.” He paused for a little second. Then, in a near whisper: “Go to sleep, Mai.”
...Yeah. Her brain was fogging over now. He was right. She really should.
A part of her questioned… What would it be like if she didn’t hang up? What would it be like, to fall asleep to the sound of Lane’s voice whispering in her ear while her mind goes blank? Even if it was just… ‘Fuck’s and ‘tsk’s directed at the screen…
And what if… warm hands caressing her sides… And bare bodies pressing together…
“...Goodnight, Lane.” She whispered.
“Night. See you tomorrow at work.”
Oh right… “I’m coming over to your house in the morning.”
“Oh. Yeah. Then I guess, I’ll see you there. Goodnight, Mai.”
And he hung up.
Her phone turned off on its own, and she was left alone.
Just her, and the darkness of the room.
----
Mai was twenty.
At 2am, the world was surrounded in complete, overwhelming darkness.
The basement has always been a miserable place to live. Whatever light came in through the tiny square windows up near the ceiling diminished nearly instantly when the shorter hand of the clock passed the first half of its tour, no matter winter or summer.
The cold air was overpowering in the pit Mai called her room. She’d attempted to battle it — blankets, pillows were strewn all around her, but it was a pitiful effort.
All the warmth was gone from her life.
“I’m sorry, I told you I’m not in the mood today. I took some meds for the headache, I’ll be okay soon.”
What lit up the room was just a sliver of moonlight, and a candle Mai had managed to light before with shaking hand and a match found at the very back of her bedside drawer. She’d left her lighter with him. It burned her finger once the flame got too close. She found that she didn’t mind at all.
She’d always been such a pale little thing, but now her skin burned with red, and it felt raw, like pressing a piece of ice to your tooth enamel. Every scratch of the sheets she could feel, every press, it burned when she shifted, and it still wasn’t enough to battle the cold. She froze and she burned, all at once, like a punishment.
A sudden urge rushed to her head. Get it off.
She thrashed.
Just get it off. Scratch at it. Melt it all off. Piece by piece, until you’re nothing but bits of red meat pressed into the cotton. Her nails were short. She’d always kept them that way. She hated them. She’d tear them off later too. For now just keep trying.
Mai was crying now, as she still scratched at her skin like an abandoned kitten, one that still didn’t quite understand just how sharp its claws were. Nothing helped. No matter how many scabs she’d already left, or how hard she tries to burn away her skin, she could still feel his touch like a palm print on a foggy window.
“Will- hey, what’s…? Honey please, you’re scaring me!”
“Then be scared. Get over here, I know how much you like this.”
Mai’s room was dark, except for a single spot. The moon was full today, and it lit it up perfectly: a single hanger on the door. The one she’d had to stick on the door with super glue, because the foam that came with the thing just didn’t stick. And on it, the thing she’d been too afraid to touch. A hoodie. His hoodie.
Poor Will. This one had always been his favorite. And it was with her now… Such a useless fucking piece of shit, taking away something he loved.
It was red, with a big graphic at the front. Some kind of band she wasn’t that into, but he loved. There were dates at the back, with Phoenix twice underlined and highlighted with a big exclamation point. It was so cute. And now it was with her.
Each time she looked at it now, she only remembered getting forced down. The sudden cold rush of air on her body.
The sound of teeth breaking and the feeling of them piercing her knee.
God, she was so stupid. She didn’t look at what she grabbed when she ran out, and now Will’s favorite hoodie was in her room! She had to give it back at some point... It was such a warm hoodie, with soft fleece sewn into the inside. It was special.
Maybe if she wore it now it’d help her battle the cold? Probably not, though. All the warmth had already sizzled out, trying to bring it back now would be like mouth to mouth on a rotten corpse. How romantic a thought.
God, what should she do? Just mail it? But that’s such a cold thing to do. Maybe leave it on his doorstep herself… A bit more grand a gesture, no?
She didn’t mean to hurt him, or steal his favorite hoodie when she ran off. They were just looking through apartment listings two days ago. She was just writing a song for him for his birthday. She didn’t mean to. She didn’t.
“Please stop… Stop…”
…
The candle flickered with little gusts of air her ministrations emitted. If it went out, she’d just light it again.
Mai sighed as the ashes fell down onto the steadily growing pile on the floor. The flame burnt her fingers when it crept to the top. She didn’t mind.
She grabbed another piece of red fabric, and put that into the candle as well. So much more to go… Why did she cut them so small?
But she had all night, now.
She still shivered, but it didn’t matter anymore. Just burn it all away.
Even if you never feel its heat again.
----
January 9th, 2008.
Mai was awake. Somewhat. But she barely knew what that meant.
Sticky wetness covered the upper half of her body. Something metallic, and she could taste it in her mouth as well, alongside the bitter taste of liquor, despite her tongue going numb.
She struggled to take a breath in, fighting through bouts of dizziness, and the urge to gag at the smell of pennies that filled the entire room. But there was something else. Something sweet. Like her mother’s baking.
So she was home? But home was warm! Home would never feel as cold as it did now! Nothing made sense!
That sticky stuff was in her hair. She’d have to wash it out later. What a shame. Her mom always told her how pretty she thought her hair was. Would she be mad if she saw her like this?
Her mom… That’s right, she’d call her for dinner soon. They’d eat her pastries together and laugh at jokes, then her dad would shoo her to bed, and Mai would have a beautiful dream.
She would dream of being craved, bitten into by another, fully possessed and enveloped by the body of a beloved. Taken, bruised, wounded and mangled beyond recognition, that is what she wanted to be. That is what Mai obsessed over, ever since she’s been cut off from love like a newborn babe from its mother’s placenta.
Hers was an addiction similar in nature to drugs. Always chasing the next high, picking out the most suitable needle to pierce her skin with, even though it was just another tool that would leave her bleeding. But why should she care, if this is what being alive felt like?
Mai has come to realize something over the years. Stabbing yourself over and over just to end up in the same trench afterwards gets tiring. There isn’t satisfaction hidden at the end of the high. You will always end up with withdrawal symptoms.
Her vision was getting darker now.
To live without love is empty and pointless.
So, Mai decided she needed to die.
Everything was white for a while. It swaddled her like a midwife, and she was bathed in a warm glow, the pure mix of colors emitting its warm rays onto her skin. It turns out, dying feels like home. She could taste the sand in her teeth, feel the warmth of her favorite blanket as she drifted away to the song of her mother’s lullaby. She heard the laughter coming from the living room as she slowly fell back asleep. Her vision blurred underneath her… rough… sheets?
Rough sheets. And that light from before, now cold, fluorescent. The smell… Not her mother’s baking anymore, something chemical, something fake. And that beeping…
Mai’s eyelid twitched. With what bit of vision she’d caught she saw a glimpse of ceiling tiles and a light. Bright. Too bright. Her head hurt. Everything hurt.
Make it stop.
White lights… Beeping?
Mai opened her eyes.
“Oh my God, she’s awake…!”
…This was a hospital.
…Fuck. FUCK.
Mai had tried to kill herself. And she couldn’t even do that right.
The next few weeks didn’t go by in a blur - they were painfully clear, and dragged like a movie you didn’t want to watch. Her housemates surrounded her like a pack of hungry locusts at the first opportunity.
“Mai, God, I’m so-”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP! What I do is my decision! You fucking ruined it! Leave me alone!”
Truthfully, she wasn’t mad that she didn’t die. She was just mad that she had to live.
But she always has. She’s never had a choice.
Her hand recovered. She couldn’t squeeze it as well, but what would she possibly have to squeeze her left hand for anyway?
After she got out, she was on a mission. No more looking back. You have to work to get better.
While shopping for food, or rather calculating how much she could afford to buy, she spotted a plushie at the supermarket. A big one. A huge snake: green, looked to be almost six feet long. She touched it. It was so soft. And its adorable eyes looked like they were pleading with her.
She bought it. Went to sleep hungry, but with her mattress feeling warmer that night. She counted it as a victory. A symbolic step towards her own happiness.
She managed to land a job, something simple, one where she could zone out, focus on her tasks and not talk to anybody, ever. Talking to people only brought pain.
A decision has been made - She needs to get the fuck out of Arizona. She remembered a place she visited with her parents once — A bustling city within a beautiful state, planted with dense forests, nothing like the south in the slightest. Just perfect.
Two states away — She could manage that. 2008 came and went. The market crashed. Fantastic. More months went by than she ever planned for, but she had it — a single ticket, the ticket that would push her towards her future, and an email from a real estate company.
She fit her entire life in one single suitcase again — It was easier when you’ve already practiced doing so. She didn’t wave when she left for the airport, and spit into the sand on the street.
And she never looked back again.
----
Mai is 22 and a half years old.
She knows a few truths.
Nobody loves you. They just try to fuck you, then brag about it to whoever’s dumb enough to listen.
Is there something wrong with her? Up until now, she thought she was just unlucky. At this point? She isn’t so sure.
Mai has one, maybe two people in her life left.
She worked for her fresh start. She’s becoming more and more sure of the fact that she’s fumbled it already.
How many starts can one go through, before becoming too tired to go on?
She’s been in that place before. What if she really wasn’t built to last?
…
Lane is alright.
He gives her that edge that she needs to stay put.
But he’s dangerous.
Mai’s been burned before. She should know better than to get close to the flame again. Trust is too precious to guarantee.
Still she could feel the moth wings on her back, always weighing her down.
Well… That’s something she could figure out later. Right now, her mind was begging her to sleep.
She closed her eyes,
and let the imaginary hands lull her into nothingness.
----
BONUS: I am a mother of two now.
From the left: Ozzy, and Nico :]
I hope you liked this fic, I'll see you in the next one!
thinking about mcr now
Drey Ferin back but at what cost?
remy i hope u know i’ve had the fuckign video tab open, paused on my laptop for the last hour because i’m scared . i’m so scared
Pokémon like Ceruledge, Armarouge, Corviknight, Gallade, and Iron Valiant with a Royal/prince/princess regressor they’ve sworn protection to. Ouuugghh I adore companion caregivers
Guys the fic is finished I promise. I just finished editing it on my phone but can't post it because my roommate dragged me out to a club thingy. Yes I have been editing my porn at this event don't worry about it
I AM EMOTIONAL
DON'T LOOK AT ME