#oxycontent

[cerebraloxy]

Musings

I have a bad habit of almost flipping my laptop across the room. No, not really out of anger, just out of clumsiness. I feel like that sort of describes my mental status. Almost doing something catastrophic yet avoiding it just to live on with the fear that I might actually do it someday. It’s something I think about all the time. That’s my relationship with suicide. How is it that the best of feelings and the worst of feelings can get tangled so easily? Once I started taking my little blue happy pill I realized that I actually missed being depressed. I missed the rage that made me feel like I could destroy the world and everything in it, that I think was probably the side effect of some minor borderline personality traits I think I have. I miss the downright distraught feeling I got when I thought about my past and how I’d lived it and all the little things that had happened to me along the way. Now I’m just content. Mostly. Sometimes I still don’t want to get out of bed for a week, and sure, sometimes I don’t sleep much and waste all my time staring at my bedroom wall with an overwhelming sense of dread for nothing in particular. But mostly, I’m fine. I think everyone wonders what if… What would things be like if I had done them differently? What if I didn’t do this, what if I had actually said that? What if I chose this over that all those years ago? Which decisions would have been the ones that lead to the path of most happiness and sunshine? These are the only times I really believe in God, because I’m asking Them what should I have done?

[cerebraloxy]

MAN JOURNAL 3: The Bad Boy

            I’m going to write the journal article about my favorite musical artist, Lana Del Rey. I’ll tie it back to Psych of Men, really. Lana often sings about the James Dean bad-boy-esque squeeze who broke her heart. Basically every song. I won’t go into why I like her here but it’s interesting to me that she’s so stuck on this image of men, that only the bad guys can win with her. She’s not the only one who feels like that, of course, I’m not sure where it all originated but I could probably point to film noire as an early influence and by its start it would have touched many people’s ideas of the ideal man up to now.             Well at this point Lana has three well known records and a few smaller ones floating around from around 2010 and before. On these pas three albums it’s pretty easy to point to some of the songs that exhibit some seriously helpless heartthrob for the rebel. But before I name off a few, what are the characteristics of this rebel? For one, he’s got to have a fast car. Convertible, preferably. Secondly, he’s probably going to do a lot of drugs. He might even deal them. And of course, that sex appeal. Can’t have a bad boy without that sex appeal. These are the good qualities at least. Well, sort of good I guess, the drugs not so much. The biggest bad qualities that these characters seem to have is neglecting girls and violence.             Just the names of some of these songs can almost give you a clear picture of what’s to come. I think my best examples come from her newest album, Ultraviolence, and the best example of this rebel character from that album is from the song “Shades of Cool.” In the first few lines of the song she basically spells it all out for the listener, saying:                               My baby lives in shades of blue,                               Blue eyes and jazz and attitude,                               He lives California too,                               He drives a Chevy Malibu,                               And when he calls,                               He calls for me and not for you,                               He lives for love,                               He loves his drugs,                                 He loves his baby too. Shades of blue: he’s cool. Blue eyes: “pretty boy.” Attitude: Attitude. California: also cool. Chevy Malibu: nice car, drives it fast. He calls for me, not for you: could count towards that sex appeal. He lives for love: “love.” Drugs: drugs. He loves his baby too: assuming this means Lana and not an infant, he probably bangs her a lot. Enough said. Secondly, in her song titled “Blue Jeans” she sings that:                          Big dreams, gangster                        Said you had to leave to start your life over                        I was like, “No please, satay here,                        We don’t need no money we can make it all work,”                        But he headed out on Sunday, said he’d come on Monday,                        I stayed up waitin’, anticipatin’, and pacin’                        But he was chasing paper                        “Caught up in the game” – that was the last I heard So he’s a gangster. Living up to the bad boy status already. He neglects her by leaving even though she begs him to stay, and he’s chasing that money. Also fitting. Finally, because we haven’t quite hit on that violence quality of the rebel [ba-dum-tshh,] here’s some final lyrics from Lana’s “Ultraviolence”:                         I can hear sirens, sirens                         He hit me and it felt like a kiss                         I can hear violins, violins                         Give me all of that ultraviolence So there you have it, he hits her but she loves him anyways, and the bad boy/rebel lives on. He’s such a classic act, especially in media, but certainly not a positive one. I guess the somewhat lame conclusion to this whole thing is to not be a violent drug addict who's got a big lusty appetite. There you have it. 

[cerebraloxy]

MAN JOURNAL

          Today in one of my classes my professor said, “Can one of the boys please pull down the projector screen?” Some background information: There are three men in my class and about 15 women, anyone over the height of 5’3 could probably have reached the screen, and I’m pretty sure that none of the “boys” were under 18. In fact, one of them is constantly talking about his escapades that involve frequenting the liquor store, so I would certainly assume that he isn’t underage. One of the other men is always talking about how successful he is as a manager of a CVS, and the other guy just sits there, if he shows up at all, and never says a word. I was actually a little shocked when I heard my teacher ask one of the boys to get the screen. I guess I just expected her to be more… I can’t think of an accurate word. I want to say educated but it doesn’t quite fit because she’s obviously a professor. Mindful perhaps? She is a psychology professor after all.             I also just started thinking how the men in that class seem to fit certain stereotypes that I’m not sure if I made up or society spoon fed me. Thankfully [in my opinion we don’t have fraternities or sororities, but I think the first guy I mentioned would fit in perfectly at a frat. I’m trying not to judge, and I am a little bias because he took my seat after I clearly established it three class periods in a row [perfect view of the board, not bumping elbows with anyone else, no glare from the sun coming through the window, no podium blocking my view, really, I’m not bitter], but all he does during the class is attempt to hit on the girl next to him, agree with the CVS guy [he desperately wants to fist bump someone], and glare at people when they disagree or talk about the glass ceiling of business. And that backwards hat. I’m not the fashion police, but I really don’t get it. Oh, and he’s a business major. Never have I ever met a kind, genuine, happy business major.             CVS guy is also a business major, of course. After hearing about a situation where one manager at a software engineering company had an employee who was the best at what he did, but never got along with anyone, everyone in the class was asked what they thought should be done to remedy the situation. This man’s response was that, “Well, all engineers are the same. They’re prima donnas and you need to embarrass them in front of the group to knock them off their pedestal and let them know that they’re expendable. At CVS….” And I stopped listening because I doubt they have software engineers at CVS. This offended me on a variety of levels. 1) That’s a harsh generalization about a group of people he possibly knows nothing about. Like we said in class, you wouldn’t say all Jews are the same or all black people are the same. My dad is an engineer, thanks, and although I don’t work with him he’s never been a prima donna. That’s right, he doesn’t sing opera professionally. 2) Prima donna is another example of how pretty much every insult we have for people is feminine. Just like people call someone a bitch if they’re being annoying, or a pansy if they’re a coward. 3) Wanting to embarrass people in front of other people on purpose is just insensitive, rude, and awful.              Trying to wrap this all back around to the psychology of men, I would just conclude that it’s not alright to call men “boys,” just as it’s not okay to call women “girls,” we should all be nice to each other [and not have feminine insults especially for men because they’re damaging in the way that the strip a man of his sexual identity], and just as you would never generalize that all Jews want your money, we should not generalize any group of people based on anything, especially their identity as a man or a woman. 

[cerebraloxy]

Love is Not Enough.

http://markmanson.net/love/ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Great article. Read it if you get the chance!

[cerebraloxy]

Rules for Being a Friend...

Not that there are actual rules of course.. But yeah. Here are some rules that I was thinking of if there were any. Just for fun.  NUMBA ONE) Thou shalt not speak to me of thy's vagina problems. Seriously, I'm your friend and I want you to talk to me about your problems. I like to help. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS AND CAKE please don't talk to me about your vagina. Ever. I don't want to know what's going on down there, it's gross and you need to handle it lol. NUMBA TWO) Thou shalt not lie to me. In any form. Like not even white lies. Not by omission either. Just tell me what's up so I know how to plan accordingly or whatever.  NUMBA THREE) Thou shalt try to understand when I need my space. If I don't want to hang out, it's probably because I'm mentally exhausted or have work to do. Sorry I'm not that person who can never do any work and get straight A's haha. Don't take it personally if I'm not joining in every day of the week. NUMBA FOUR) Thou shalt not use or eat or borrow my things without asking FIRST. Thou also shalt not steal my shit. For real.  Standard? I think yes.  So yeah. Don't talk to me about your vagina issues. :] 

[cerebraloxy]

Everything that comes with a trip the the dentist...

So, this morning the receptionist for my dentist, who by way is completely out to get me, wakes me up at 8:15 asking if my appointment schedule for a week from today can actually be moved to an hour from now. Sure. Whatever. I'll just wander in half asleep, leave my mouth open, and leave with some clean whites a week ahead of schedule and be done with it for a few months.  Not so much the case. I show up on time, everything's fine. Things look hectic than normal, but whatever. An hour later, maybe I'm a bit on edge. Why am I still sitting here? Why am I not asleep in bed like I planned to be at this ungodly hour of approximately 10AM? The receptionist practically throws a Starbucks gift card at me from over the counter and thanks me for my patience. I'm thinking, maybe this was worth it for the Starbucks... Thirty minutes later, I'm the only one in the waiting room still and some guy in a Seal Team hat walks in. A minute or two goes by and he asks me what kind of phone I have. I tell him. He asks me if I'm in high school. I tell him, no man I'm a junior in college. He asks me what I'm studying. I tell him I'm a Psychology major and an Asian Studies minor but I haven't practiced my Chinese in a long time. He spouts off a little Mandarin and I answer him in English because, like I said, I'm off with my Chinese.  For a while he talks about his being in Hong Kong and Shanghai, and other places that "they didn't even know I was, because," he tips his hat, "I was on the seal team."  Yes, thanks for that, because I'm college educated and can't read your hat sir.  He also tries for what feels like a very long time to convince me to join one of the armed forces and become a translator for an embassy or a psychologist in the field. I've thought about both these things but to both I say, no thank you.  Then he asks me if I have a boyfriend.  I proudly tell him that yes, I do, and we've been together for four years. He does some kindergarten math and says, "Oh, so you met in high school. That'll change soon. Also, four years? You shouldn't tie yourself down like that, go experience other people!" What I want to say is, Excuse me but it's none of your fucking business, we've been through a lot and it's working fine so fuck off. Instead I just say, "No, it won't. I'm sure lots of people have said that but really, it's fine."  He does that condescending chuckle that people do when they feel like they know better than you do and continues on to say, "Well, I'm sure you'll be very happy and have some kids and get married." Lets stop here. I feel like ranting a little. Just a little.  1, going back to the high school comment. Are you implying, sir, that location matters? If I had met my boyfriend of four years at a McDonalds instead of in high school, would that have made our chances higher in the standings of others? Or is College the only location acceptable for long standing relationships to bloom? Because, as a college student, let me tell you, I don't see many legitimate college relationships. College is the time that people use most to hook up and get out. For a lot of people it seems like a how-many-people-can-I-bang-athon without being considered a slut for it. Of course, double standards because boys are just "play boys" or whatever but this isn't particularly a feminist rant so we'll stay away from that for now. Sir, I would have you know that the location of my relationship origin means nothing in this long run because I have something that people your age still can't find so maybe you should rethink your shit.  2, Go experience other people. Alright. How many men is it acceptable for me to sleep with before I get to be happy with the right person? Just one more? Maybe Five? Really, I need to know because I'm in charge of my own happiness and these are things I need to get straight.  No. I'm not going to just floosily bang other dudes to experience life. There may have been a time where that was a contemplative thought in my head but why would I throw away something that I'm so happy with right now for that? Because I might resent it when I'm older, thinking about what I missed out on? Well, that's sure a possibility I suppose, but I could just as easily resent getting an STD or throwing away someone I already love. No thanks.  3, I'm not going to go into detail about this but I'm not just going to pop out a few kids and get married. Sorry if I think your traditional values procreation are fucked up.  I'm going to have a career. I'm going to do good things in this life and I'm going to feel good about it because I deserve to. Maybe someday there could be a kid in the picture, but I won't have a kid to resent for taking away my money for my school and my career unless I want that kid to become my life. Having a kid is an adult decision that needs to be made when you have the means to facilitate and care for that child and not just have one because you're bored or, "that's what you're supposed to do."  So in conclusion to this sad journey to the dentist, I have some bone chips in my gums from getting my wisdom teeth removed and have to go back in a week to get numbed up and have them ripped out. Hooray. 

[cerebraloxy]

First post time

So here's an overview of what you might be seeing here.  Personal information, Life issues, Experiences, Game content,  Quotes, Stories,  Rants, Mumblings, Goals,  Aspirations,  Dreams, Writing, Poetry?! & What have I learned today? (pertaining mainly to psychology).  That about sums it up! Just a little overview of OxyContent.  

[benzodaze]

Your blog is incredible

Thank you! So is yours x