Chapter 1 - And so it begins...
I'm going to start out my story by doing the most obvious and unoriginal thing, by telling you how I came to be. Now, with this being the internet and all, I'm not going to disclose my exact birth date or names, cause that would be stupid. I will say that I'm an Aquarius, so there.
My mom and dad already had a large family before they got pregnant with me. My mother was 17 when she married to my dad, he was 21. She was 19 when she had her first child, a boy, let's call him Zack. She would go on to birth my other two brothers, Sammy and Jay. After giving birth to three boys, she decided enough was enough and had a tubal ligation.
(Side Note: if you don't know what a tubal ligation is, let me save you the gory details. Doctors go into the women's reproductive organs, does some stuff to them and pretty much makes balloon animals out of their Fallopian tubes, all to prevent additional pregnancy)
So let's count it out, my mom and dad, three sons and oh yeah, my paternal grandmother all under one roof, with one bathroom. Yes, you heard that right, ONE friggin' bathroom. Anyways, around the time my youngest brother, Jay, turned one, my mother found out she was pregnant again. Actually, she was sort of in denial, because that was supposed to be taken care of (remember those balloon animals?) but after experiencing morning sickness for several days, my dad busted out the "your eggo is preggo" talk. The both have said to me that it was unexpected, but they were still excited nonetheless.
And so the day came when I was brought into this majestic world, and behold - a baby girl!? Not only was I an accident from the get go, me turning out to have a vajayjay was also pretty unexpected. I mean, my parents already had a male name picked out for me (Shawn Patrick, if you're curious). My dad called my grandma back at home with the bros and told her the good news, of course, it took a few minutes of convincing for her to believe that I was a girl.
(When telling this story, I always think of a scenario where my parents take me to a hospital customer service and request a return, just imagine...
Mom: Mam? I'm sorry but I need to speak with a manager, you see, this baby has... ahem a... a "hoo-haa" and I specifically remember expecting a "wee wee"
Attendant: Ok, ok, let me page the manager, he'll be able to help you... "Service manager to the front desk! I repeat, We need the service manager to the front desk!"
"Code 26: Expected a wee-wee and got a hoo-haa")
It wasn't all peaches and cream though, for example, shortly after I was born my amazing pediatrician (the man literally saved my life...twice) recommended my mom take me to a cardiologist. You see being born after the surgeon made a poodle of my mother's Fallopian tubes didn't fare well for my development in the womb. My mother, took me to see doctors at the hospital not once or twice, but three times. Each time, they said it was only a heart murmur and they'll go away on their own. Eventually, the doctor's did notice something strange about my heart that resulted in needing a heart surgery to repair it. I still have the scars, there's one that starts on the side under my bra line that goes on about six inches across my chest. I'm lucky for them though, I've seen worse scars. Other health issues came later in life that I'm still dealing with and will always deal with, but I'll save those for later.
Now, let me mention that just because I was born a girl did not mean that I ever acted like a little lady. First off, I always would steal my brother's toys (Hey, my barbies needed boyfriends and I didn't think the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would mind). Secondly, I had to beg my mom to buy me jeans, so I could be just like my brothers. I still remember my first pair of jeans complete with the pink trim and patch pockets, I've lived in denim ever since. I wanted to be like my brothers so much that I paraded around without a shirt on most days. That's right, I was "Freeing the Nipple" before I even knew what the fuck a nipple was (and have the pics to prove it). Also, I didn't mind getting second-hand t-shirts or toys, cause my brothers had some cool stuff. I fondly remember the Christmas when my brothers got a Nintendo 64, that meant their Super Nintendo was all mine.
I actually do feel sorry for my mother a little, I mean here she is having birthed her first daughter and she turns out to be...ME. It's like living in one of those Expectation vs Reality meme's, but hey, I'm only a product of my raise so yeah, Mama tried. She tried teaching me to be "lady-like", while good old me was asking her, "What are those big squishy round things on your chest?" and calling my brother's bastards being completely unaware that bastard is actually a curse word, then having a debate with my grandma about whether bastard IS a curse word. Point being made here, I was a handful and still am, which is probably why I've ended up where I am now, 33 and divorced. I'm jumping to Chapter 6 and I still got chapters 2,3,4 and 5 to go through.
So, the plan is that at the end of each chapter, I'd offer some type of sage wisdom, right? Here's a thing, don't forget to appreciate your parents. If your parents are close-minded, hate-mongering a-holes, then do what you have to do to protect yourself from that. Do remember though that everyone and everybody is a product of their raise, basically meaning, people are not born a-holes they become that way by influence. Secondly, if you need someone to listen to you're problems, please, please, triple please ask me. I have problems of my own and I need all the distractions I can take...
But really, ask me anything and I'll give you the best advice I can.
I'll be posting at least one chapter/post each week, but I'll probably share a few other tidbits along the way.
