Aphantasia makes it really hard to remember visual details from my life as Dust. I don't remember, precisely, what my husband looked like (I could tell you, in great detail, what he looked like nonetheless, because I am a fictional character and so is he, from a source not my own making, but I cannot see it, cannot imagine it, and some of it is, truth be told, guesswork). There's no constant visual guide for what our ranch looked like, the patterns on our bedsheets, the exact placements of my best friend's body-markings. I can't remember what my steed looked like or how he looked when he galloped, couldn't tell you what a herd looked like from a distance, or up close.
But my hands have memory my eyes do not.
I don't remember, in detail, what my husband looked like. But I know exactly how it felt to run my hands through his short, soft hair - stroke my thumb across his cheek - the hard planes of his teeth, under my fingertips. I remember the sensation of fresh bedsheets in a bedroom with windows trapping the cold of night in glass panes, a cool defence against the blistering, rising sun. I remember the way that darkness felt, waking next to him.
I remember what it felt like, distinctly, to walk with hooves on tiled bathroom floors, slipping on porcelain on the bathtub, his skin slick with water. I remember the coarse wood of the kitchen table, before we replaced it. I remember the scent of changing seasons. Crisp. Full. Sweltering.
I remember the feel of my best friend's hair, too. Long, and thin, and fine. The callouses that grew on her hands that I didn't notice before they started itching, in a good way, when she held mine.
I remember my steed, his thick skin unmoving, his flank rising and falling beneath my palm, the dust and grime gathering in the creases and crevices of my skin. I don't remember, truly, what he looked like.
I remember what it felt like, to look at him. To have him look at me. I remember his powerful muscles rippling beneath me as we rode, the sensation of his mane, like seaweed, gathering around my hands - I remember the feel of wearing an ill-fitting hat, and a well-fitting hat, shifting with each bounce of his steps.
I remember the sound of a herd. The sensation of it. The welcome chaos, the way they would listen.
Most of the time, that is enough.