#parent mercs

[uwuowotf2waslife]

who do you head cannon to be the best parent out of the mercs? From best to worst

I think yall know how this will go...

Heavy (best dad-bear dad, will make pirosky and broscht ❤️-)

Scout (sports dad, will be a clown 24/7 to keep the litter entertained)

Engie ( bbq dad, dad jokes overload and maybe help his kids build a nuclear reactor for science fairs projects)

Demo ( kids and bombs dont mix well together - or mix really well depending on your humor - e.g. why youve been banned from all the public schools from the district for cherry bombs in locker rooms and stink bombs on the principals office)

Sniper ( kinda introverted, will have a heart attack/aneurism if his kids have parties in the house while his there, but hey- camper dad, his kids want to go to Disneyland? Buckle up and pass the snacks front, lil ankle bitter, we goin road tripping through the states tonight )

Medic (he will try to get the kids interested in doctor stuff- traumatic or fascinatingly morbid- depending on the kids)

Pybro (kinda goodish-wont hurt them but they get distracted easily and in all honesty, couldn't care less about kids)

Yall know whos the bottom of the tier list, but he is crazy rich and probably shove them into snobby private schools and make em all smansy fancy doctors/lawyers/ CEO ya know the drill

[tf2canons]

Can I ask what names the Mercs would like for their kids? Boy or girl?

Spy - He’d like something French and elegant, but not so overly fancy that it draws unnecessary attention. For a girl he’d like Rose, Juliette, Camille, or Anna. For a boy he’d like August, Hugo, Thomas, or Lucien. 

Sniper - Just something simple and nice. Maybe Emma, Hannah, or Layla for a girl, and Jack, Logan, or Harry for a boy. He also likes a couple gender-neutral names like Riley and Sam. But he’s also the most likely to let his partner pick the name because he feels like he isn’t good at naming things. 

Medic - Something over the top and probably ancient Greek. For a boy he likes Dorian, Phoebes, Ulysses, Hector, and Hades (yes, he would name his child that, because he knows it would be metal as fuck). For a girl he’d like Cassandra, Penelope, Phoebe, Calliope, and Hermione. 

Scout - He likes names that are short and sporty-sounding. For boys he likes Jackson (Jackie for short), Tommy, or Danny. For girls he likes Jamie, Aubrey, or Sadie. He’s really attached to those y/ie endings. 

Pyro - Something cutesy, maybe stolen from a children’s character, and sometimes a little odd. For a boy they’d like Oliver, Wilbur, Christopher, or Elliot. For a girl they’d like Bambi, Genie, Junebug, or Winona. But they’re also a huge fan of gender neutral names like Harley, Angel, Avery, and Shiloh. 

Soldier - Of course he’d name his child something America-themed. For a boy he might name him Washington, Edison, Jefferson, or Franklin. Basically any founding father. For a girl he might have to get more original and name her either America or after a state like Georgia, Virginia, Alaska, Dakota, etc. 

Heavy - It just has to be Russian and nice; nothing too weird that Americans won’t be able to pronounce, in case he is raising them there. For girls he’d like Anastasia, Inna, Katerina, and Polina. For a boy he’d like Alexei, Dmitry, and Sergei. 

Demo - The most Scottish names he can think of. He’d like Ainsley, Effie, Maisie, and Eilidh for a girl. For a boy he’d like Angus, Hamish, Fergus, Lochlan, and Finlay. You will be hard-pressed to talk him out of these. 

Engineer - He prefers names that are a little more old-fashioned. For boys he likes Wyatt, Cooper, Billy, and Dallas. For a girl he likes Loretta, Dixie, Mabel, and Nellie. However, he’s pretty open to suggestions as long as it isn’t something too strange. 

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Long shot here. But how about a younger member to the group who is like the little sister of the group and she has a stalker. She tell the mercs she can handle it, not realizing that the situation is escalating as the stalker inches closer. What do the mercs say or do?

Uno. Sorry not sorry the only Stalker i know is the one in Chernobyl

Jokes aside

Scout: freaks tf and tries to intimidate the stalker, gets beaten and basically both now are in medics infantry, with medic contemplating doing a live surgery to see what makes the stalker do the whe stalking thingie

Soldier: either doesnt understand so he doesnt give a hoot or puts his raccoons on watch. No man, crazy or not, will try and get close to you anymore, not with 10 feral garbage cats on your side

Pyro: step 1. Try be frends

Step 2. stranger is mean so no frends

Step 3. korean barbecue ala Hannibal Lecter style

Engineer: jeez luise that guy is giving him the heebie Jeebiez. Well he talks to him, explains that yes hes an old fat bald fuck, but you see son, you really dont want a military caliber weapon pointed on you so yeet or youll be yeehawed straight to jezus door

Demo: if he drunk: beats the guy till his body becomes iridescent purple

Sober: say bye to your kneecaps nitwit

Heavy: yea the guy will become bear food, nough said

Medic: EXPERIMENT TIME BITCHES! R/N take notes tonight we do a live brain surgery on a mostly alive man

Sniper: nothing personal, but noone is a bigger stalker than him so fatherly long limbs over here will magically take his gun and somehow the guy will experience massive hemorrhage and instant death by a lead clot

Spy: he knows. dont worry.

Just dont answer Ms Pauling when she asks why a man in the town was found with enough anthrax to burry the state, and then imprisoned to a high security Texas Jail

[uwuowotf2waslife]

SURPRISE!!!!! IT'S TWINS!!!!! How do Mercs respond to a bonus baby?

Sniper/Engie/Heavy.exe has stopped, please sir/mam/mentlegen, he is fainting

Spy has a heart attack

Scout/Demo/Engie? Are so damn happy they almost jump hug them all, knocking a nurse or two in the way

Excuse me,me medic is gonna have a pp cut because thats enough for the rest of my nine lives

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Ngl those are so wholesome

Scout: he will get emotional the first time he hears his child say "dada". Hell swoop them up and just blubber while praising them...in the long-term, we S/O prepare to have one adult and one smaller troublemaker to look after

Soldier: he is beyond proud, he considers it among the highest achievements of his entire life. He will protect them with his life and teach them how to snap necks the moment they reach puberty( for self-protection purposes S/O , he promises)

Engie: he gives them the tightest bearhug he has given in years and just treasures the moment. He will try his darnest to make them happy, even if they dont follow his career path. He wont work as much anymore just to be sure hes around and his child has him as both an anchor and a teacher

Demo: boy oh boy he gonna cry. Something inside him just erupted and he cant express it. This also is the only motivation he ever needed to stop drinking completely. He wont even drink beer anymore because he needs to be sober to be there both for his S/O and his child

Heavy: he is shocked. He half expected his child to be terrified of him due to his large size, but he cant contain his joy when his child calls him daddy for the first time. He will try to spend as much time as possible with them and make sure they are ready to phase life and that he will always be there to protect them. In a weird way he feels completed. He always wanted to be a dad and concidering he barely met his, its a weird self filing thing.

Medic: ngl he will spoil them rotten. He never thought hell be a husband/boufriend to S/O let alone have kids with them so all this has hitten him like a wall of bricks. He might be a bit unstable at times but he adores his children and will do anything in his power to keep them healthy and happy

Sniper: he cries. A lot. He doesnt know why or how his child is so attached to him but a big part of him doesnt like that. He thinks hes too antisocial or too strange for a father. But with help from S/O he will learn to move on and will be always there for his kids no matter what. Hell even play dress up with them or take them to games and fairs.

Spy: he melts. He isnt a family man, he knows it. But ( following my headcanon) he cant abandon them anymore, hes too old and its way too cruel to give them up again.( For scout, well he cried when he called him papa for the first time he had the quietest meltdown of his life, Scoutma had to hold him because hed collapse).

[uwuowotf2waslife]

I saw the pregnancy ask and now I'm wondering how they'd react once they hold their baby for the first time, and how they'd spoil them.

Scout: he won’t shup up after the birth, just trying to talk his nerves away but will freeze like a deer in the headlights when hes given the baby. His eyes water up and he craddles them. He is speechless and makes mental prayes and promises in his head how he will be always there for them and will give him everything he has for a better life

Soldier: he is suprisingly calm and collected, its almost like hes either having a spiritual experience or he is havinga ptsd flashback. He waits for the doctors/midwife to clean up the baby while he just sits there holding your hand a bit  tight. He wants you first to hold the child and after you havethat bonding moment he will hold it and sniffle “Welcome home little soldier, you just succeeded your first mission” and just holds them like the precious bundle of joy they are

Engie: emotional is an understatement. Hes the closest to bawling hes ever been in his life and he barely holds it together. He can’t wait and awkwardly hugs you while you are holding the baby. He just blubbers some comfort words and just stares at your child and then back out you, he cant believe this is real, itsjust way to real and he is a mess

Demo: he is sober and basically has the quitetest mental breakdown he has had in his life. He is shaking and when he is given the baby he just holds it close to his chest, stands up then walks up to you and gives you to hold them while he bear hugs you both. He kisses both of your foreheads and he has the sweetest smile he has ever had in decades

Heavy:he looks like he has experienced the Gulags all over again, it hurts him beyond comprehension when he sees you in pain but he also knows that birth like all things in life isnaturally painfull and he aint a wuss to  not assist in the delivery room. He just takes the baby with both hands and just promises to them in Russian he will always be there for them to protect them with his life.

Medic: he is the doctor so he is the one who first holds them, but he also knows skin-to-skin contact is essential for newborns so without a second thought,almost mechanically he cleans them up and gives them to you.Then he snaps, throws the gloves away and just wraps you all in his arms while crying in german( headacanon he has the twin seed inside him)

Sniper: he is terrified. This is way too real and he cant believe his eyes. He holds them like he was to holda newborn sheep and just looks at them like he can’t believe thats real, the baby is here not in Y/N belly and he is currently holding them. Just stares and tries to photograph them forever in his mind.” Welcome lil roo, daddys got you and he’ll never leave you”

Spy: ( a fun headcanon would be if he actually had to assist his S/O with the delivery,lets say they got stuck in traffic or the baby really wanted out) he is having many memories and he is crying, so he is just there holding his baby and his S/O crying his heart in french. He can’t leave them, not this one, not like the others. He was never there for any of his childrens births, so this a very real, very raw experience for him. He can’t escape, he can’t leave, his wayy to old for this immature things.He just stays and looks at them and you , he can’t leave, it’ll be a cruelty not even him can commit <Bienvenue mon enfant... je te promets que je ne partirai pas cette fois, pas encore.>(<Welcome my child, i promise you i won't leave this time, not again.>)

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Aw, those were cute! I'm confused what a "Twin seed" is though. XD

I meant as in he is more likely to have the chance to have twins

English isnt my first language so sorry if i confuse you guys sometimes

[tf2canons]

Mercs when their newborn baby won't stop crying in the middle of the night and they're trying to comfort them on their own so their s/o can sleep?

Spy - His initial reaction is confusion when he can’t figure out why they’re crying. He’s cycling between checking their diaper, offering them food, and just trying to comfort them with sleepily mumbled French. If it goes on for too long he’ll start to get stressed, and once its over he’ll get himself a glass of wine before he goes back to bed. 

Sniper - If anyone else on the planet woke him up in the middle of the night, they wouldn’t survive. But since it’s his baby, he’ll very tiredly go pull them out of their crib and gently bounce them in his arms, talking to them soothingly like he would a wild animal. When they don’t stop crying right away he’ll take them outside on a little walk to look at the stars and help distract them until they fall back asleep. 

Medic - He’ll try to distract them by making funny faces, playing peekaboo, or showing them little magic tricks until they get so caught up in it that they stop crying. Children and babies love him and how silly he seems, so he’s rather talented at cheering up infants.

Scout - He’s a little frantic at first because he really doesn’t want his partner to wake up. He’ll try reasoning with the baby at first. “You gotta be quiet okay, sport? You’re gonna wake the whole block up. Then you’re gonna go to baby jail for disturbing the peace.” When he remembers babies don’t understand English, he’ll give his baby one of his fingers to suck on like a pacifier, and he might even bring them back to bed with him and let them sleep on his chest. 

Pyro - They always feel awful when they see their baby cry, so trying not to cry themself they scoop their baby up in their arms and try to make soft comforting noises, kissing the baby’s head repeatedly and rocking them slowly. If that doesn’t work, Pyro will try to distract them with a stuffed animal or something colorful/sparkly. 

Soldier - This baby has to be incredibly loud to have wake him up in the middle of the night, and he’s almost proud. “Son, you have a beautiful battle cry but now is not the time.” When he realizes his baby isn’t going to stop crying anything soon he’ll just lie down on the floor with his baby on his chest, and eventually they’ll both fall back asleep there. 

Heavy - He’ll talk to them at first in a deep, tired voice. “Why is baby crying? There is nothing wrong. You are waking up parents.” When he sees they don’t plan on stopping crying anytime soon he’ll sit down in a nearby chair and rest the baby on his chest so they can listen to his heartbeat. After a while that should do the trick to calm them down. 

Demo - He feels bad for the baby more than anything else; he hates when they’re upset. He’ll try to tempt them with one of their favorite snacks and if that doesn’t work he’ll turn on a little kids show that they liked with the volume down low to hopefully get their attention.

Engineer - When he can’t calm them down through normal means, he’ll start to quietly sing to them. He picks some slow old country song with a melodic tune that’ll slowly calm down the baby and hopefully keep them from waking up his partner. If that doesn’t work he’ll try swaddling them in a blanket and sitting with them in a rocking chair for as long as it takes.