I don't know how to summarize this, I'm just exposing myself here lmaooo.
Giving a big warm hug to anyone who has had to deal with anything like this!❤️🫂❤️🫂 You're amazing and I hope you're doing okay!💖💕
Otherwise gn, but the reader is called a mom/ second mother of the family.
Content warnings:
parentification, looking after younger siblings, neglect and emotional abuse, mention of being beaten (keigos past), bit of suicidal talk, fighting between parents (mostly just verbal, but ig could be read as more), mommy daddy issues, slightly hinting of substance use (but it's not focused on), small talk of moving a lot, fear of others safety (?), feeling of being alone, Keigo's parents saying he'd better off.
(Please let me know if I missed anything, I try to add if I notice more)
"It's just... not fair. I was a child too.. so why did it feel like I was the only reasonable adult in there.."
You had your arms wrapped to his sides, using his chest as a pillow as you vented about your day. Having your mother visit brought back various of emotions and thoughts. Still feeling fresh like a unhealed cut. Trying to heal from it was still hard. Accepting the truth making you just feel like an ungrateful brat, because it wasn't really that bad, even though it definitely felt like it.. What right did you have to feel this hurt? It could've been far worse..
Thank god you had Hawks here by your side. His hand on the back of your head, feeling your hair, softly playing with it as he listened to your chain of thoughts. Letting you talk, while reassuring you weren't being unreasonable to feel like this at all. Listening you speak and explain it all, made him also feel upset and sad for you and your younger self past. Absent with the carefree joy you should have had. He could relate to that feeling, even if he couldn't totally understand your path. Growing up too fast was something he could totally understand, it wasn't easy or fun. It quite honestly sucked.
"It's like they act like It's normal, to have been called a mom by my younger sibling.. Like it's fun or normal how they joke about it so lightly, saying I have always just been the more responsible and caring one... the second mother of the family... Saying it came naturally, when really I had no choice but to become like one. Everytime I visit or see them, there's not a single time she wouldn't call me that, like it's supposed to be a compliment. When really it just reminds me of the pain.. reminding I'm supposed to hide myself and be more independent "
He could hear the underlying anger in your voice, even though you talked about it remotely calm, it was clear you felt hurt by it all. Feeling like you had been left to carry all the burden of your family, trying to keep it together so it wouldn't fall. Afraid of what would happen if you weren't strong enough. Fighting alone for so long, while trying to ensure your siblings would feel more loved, to make sure they had someone with free of judge. Experience unconditional love from your part.
Hawks didn't have any siblings of his own, it had always been just him alone, so it felt a bit foreign for him, hearing about a family as large as yours. It was new, house full of kids in many ages. But he was curious of what it was like, trying to imagine how it would feel to have a younger sibling.. or an older one too. Trying to understand how different life would look like from your point of view. Hearing you describe growing up with younger siblings in dysfunctional family, how it had been both a curse and a blessing at the same time, the coin always has two sides afterall.
At least you didn't have to deal with the bullshit completely alone, even though it had been mostly you caring for them all. Surrounded by many, it was chaos as it own, not to mention everything else that came along..
Remembering the time before it all started, or before you had understood something was wrong.. When you were somewhat free of that load.. But had life really been easier before stepping into that boat? Trying to keep it afloat while surrounded by waves of a storm.
Not being taken seriously when you had felt hurt, having someone laugh while tears fell down your shirt, people getting angry when you were trying your best. Crying under the covers, hiding from the world, wishing you had never ever been, you weren't meant to live in here. Praying for god, could you to be taken away from this place. Not because it'd be easier for you, but because you didn't want to be a burden, a disappointment.. Feeling as they would have been better off, if you weren't there to just make mistakes a lot... You were just a kid, how could you have known any better, if they never taught you how? Just expected to figure it out in your own little head, struggling with the quilt of even being here.
Seeing your younger siblings grow up, you didn't want them to go down the same path, they deserved more than that. So you stepped up, not trusting your parents wouldn't also mess them up.
Who would have thought being useful for your parents, especially to your mother, would make it easier to deal with that quilt. Suddenly being praised for being so mature of your age, always helping around, it felt good to be needed, to be noticed, praised. Maybe you had finally earned their love, being seen as human with a voice and real thoughts, one of the wise ones. You weren't being a trouble anymore, hiding your struggles, hiding your pain. You just wished you wouldn't feel anymore hurt by pushing those away. You were now the therapist, the peacemaker of the family. It couldn't be the other way around, surely helping them out was your job.
He rubbed your back, thinking how much burden you must have had, how hard it must have felt. How hurt you must have been, so that pushing your needs away felt easier than bringing them to the surface for someone else to see, for someone to hear. Unable to deal with the feeling of not being taken seriously.
He too, had learned to mirror his value on what he could offer for others. Being called names, the words of being better off not only in his head, when he was being just a kid, born in a family not understanding or capable of meeting his needs. It had been tough, carefully tip toying around avoiding for getting beaten up, by the man supposed to be his dad.. Trying to see life beyond those doors, Keigo could barely play around. Having to sit quietly, lucky if he got to watch the heroes on the screen.
After he and his mother ended up on the streets, his wings were only thing noticed about him. What he could do, what they could be used. Kid trying to take care for them both, trying to stay strong. Do the best he could from what he knew, having to put on these adult shoes.
Being taken in by the commision, it was all about creating Hawks, forgetting Keigo to be completely gone. It was always all about saving others, the burden of being good enough for others, being worthy of living this life, doing it for someone else, proving his worth for himself.
He could understand his own way, also being parentified kid himself. Not neccesarily your exact experience itself, your pasts were very different in many ways, but the feelings from it were close ones, something he had felt. Even if you two had come to feel it from different ends. Both of you had had to figure out lot of things by yourselves, do things not appropriate for your age. Trying to learn how to take time for your own mental health, to not break down under all the stress.
It was hard, to be constantly on the run, always aware of things, ready to instantly swoop in. It was exhausting, losing yourself for others, being the one keeping them on the surface. While your own boat was slowly sinking down. Feeling the tension in your chest tightening from all the pressure of being under the cold sea. Trying to catch a breathe, while being pushed further down by the waves merciless.
Do this, do that, help with this and that.
"You are right, it's not fair. No kid should have to go through that, to feel that kind of burden in their back. You deserved to be a child too."
His voice sounded sad, thinking of younger you.. and thinking bit of Keigo too. He hadn't had the chance to fully take a seat and process what a roller coaster of a life he had had. He knew it wasn't exactly right what he had had to go through, but always tried to focus on the good. Although guilt was something that was whispering in the back of his head... Leaving his mother.. feeling he failed.. Even when he had been young, even when he really didn't have a choice. He still felt like he failed to save her, leaving only family he had left.. He wished he could have done more, part of him missed her, yearning to know her.
He was the son, but he still felt somewhat quilty for the kind of life she had had, thinking if he could have done more than that.
His mind wandering little to his childhood as you told your story, you made him think a lot more of his own origin... or more like he started to feel more for his younger self too. He had thought about it a lot, but he felt somehow distant from his own past.. from that small Keigo he had once been.
Listening your story, thinking how fucked up it was for a child to deal with these things. It finally clicking in his head how bad it had actually been, how badly it could affect persons mental health. How it still affected him.
He saw your past still haunting your mind too.
"I- I just feel bad... for feeling this hurt knowing it wasn't easy for her either.. She needed someone to help around, she couldn't have done it alone.. it shouldn't be her that I'm even mad at. ..even if she wasn't always the best either.."
He kissed the top of your head, caressing your back while listening your words. Taking in what you needed to say, letting out the frustration you had felt. Noticing from your words, how you were carrying somewhat similar quilt for himself, about something out of your control, something that wasn't your fault. Feeling defensive for her behalf, even at times you shouldn't have had. He had to say something about that, making sure you wouldn't blame it all on yourself, validating your feelings of being hurt.
"You have every right to feel this hurt, don't blame it on yourself. Her actions are her own responsibility, not yours. No matter how hard it is, parents shouldn't neglect their childs emotional needs. It's not the child's job to be the one relied on either, it should always be the parents job. ..and even if you can understand why it happened.. it doesn't make it any more right."
You knew he was right, you really did, but it still felt like you were betraying her by admitting to something like that... sure you had known how your younger siblings had been neglected in ways, not been understood and blamed for being just kids.. Growing up in unstable home, of course they would act out. But to say that about yourself.. made you just feel uncomfortable, thinking you got the easy part in all that, still feeling little defensive for her behalf.
"..yeah, I know.."
You agreed for sure, but still sounding little hesitant of your words. You couldn't shake the feeling of sympahty for her, she wasn't perfect, neither were you.. you could have also done more.. Even though you felt angry for her about many things too, it wasn't as simple.
"It's not her that I'm really even that mad at though... o-or well about some things yes... but it wouldn't have been that bad if he would have taken some of that load of her back..! You know... do the things parent is supposed to do. It should be obvious, not something a child should have to point out... "
He could hear the frustration in your voice grow, this was clearly something you felt resentment about. One of the few topics that actually got you heated up, even to the point of feeling actual anger, and he understood completely. You had told him bits about it here and there, like when you had felt frustrated to visit your family again, only to have your father to ditch you his chores to you like usual. How almost your whole childhood you had had to fill in his role, having a father not participating much, avoiding his tasks as a dad, leaving it to you and your mother to handle.
Why should have he had to worry about a thing? You were better at watching after them anyways, he was already tired enough, having fun out there. What a burden to have to sleep after that all day. It just wasn't fair.
"I was nine, when I started to look after my little brother... Trying to sooth him down when he cried.. Sometimes waking up at nights for that, wanting my mom to sleep more for a change too. I was the one mostly taking care of him when my mother wasn't around.. I don't understand how he could just ignore a baby's crying? Too 'busy' of doing something else, never actually helping out, but still having time to complain about insignificant things, being a petty child himself."
You could remember the countless days arguing with your father about basic things, laughing out of frustration with how absurd it had felt. Having to parent a grown ass man, defending your mother with the last of energy you had.
Trying to bring some kind of sense into this chaos, not letting the bullshit of your parents just slip out. Why should a kid have to understand how to behave, if the adults in this house never learned to do it either? Why should the kids be held more accountable about small things, if the parents couldn't admit their mistakes or apologizes themselves either.
Watching your siblings grow while new ones were born. Feeling the anxiety in your chest grow, you loved your siblings a lot, but sometimes it felt more of a burden than not.
"It... hurt. Watching it just get worse over the years, protecting them from all the mean words.. Having to lecture my own parents how to behave, how to care, what not to say to a little kid. The amount of times I would have to step up, be the more grown up.."
You sounded somewhat hesitant to talk about it, realizing just how absurd it sounded when saying it out loud. You were so used to it being the norm, forgetting just how messed up it had been at times.
"I knew it wasn't right.. I mean the way they raised us most of the time.. I read many articles of it to make sure I wasn't just imagining it myself, being overly dramatic like they had said. Trying to learn how to parent my siblings myself instead.. While trying to teach my parents to be more consider of their emotional state."
He felt sad for you and your younger siblings too, hearing you tell stories of moments where you guys weren't treated right.
Having been child who had had to listen all sorts of things coming from his parents mouth, it hurt to imagine others having to experience something similar in that regard. Knowing words would be something that would last, but glad at least someone had their back. Even though it was unfair, you shouldn't have had to be the first one they would turn. Still he couldn't help but admire your strenght, how you would go beyond your way to ensure your siblings felt more cared and safe. Go between fights, listen to their thoughts, taking into consiridation that they were still young and small. Knowing they couldn't understand everything, but explaining them about things more calm. Not yelling at them if they didn't know any better, but definitely having a long talk with the one that did.
Even though he admired that about you a lot, it still pained him to know you even had to think or worry about things like that. You shouldn't have had to carry that heavy of a bag with you, it was never meant for you, yet it was forced on you. He made a mental note to you make sure you wouldn't have to go through something like that again, to hold your struggles inside, to carry the world on your back alone. When he and his wings were right here, ready to lift some of that heaviness off your chest.
"There um.. was time my parents were fighting a lot.. there uh- was a lot going on in general.. My dad did some questionable things.. I knew way too many things about their relationship, involved in stuff I shouldn't have had... Back then I also often had to watch after my siblings whole days and sometimes even at nights.. making sure they ate, trying to comfort them when they were feeling unsure and scared.. They were such a anxious kids, like we all were living in unstable home like that. Having to move around a lot, never knowing when another big fight would unfold.. I always read them a good night stories when I could, trying to make the time between just as kids more fun. Hugging them at night when being asked when would they be back... Not knowing the answer for that, while wondering the same in my head. Reassuring them it would be okay, patiently singing to them until they would fall asleep.. Then later crying myself to sleep too.. They just deserved so much more, I wish I could have given more.."
That sounded exhausting and sad, having to take care of them that long while having no idea when your parents would be back. Having to be the rock they could lean on, trying to be stable for them when your parents couldn't. What also spoke volume of your parents effect on you guys, was when you told him despite it being hard, it was much more peacfull when they weren't around. Seeing how your siblings were also smiling more, not having to be yelled at crying too long. It just broke your heart, thinking why it couldn't be like that even when they were there too. How hard could it be to be a decent for your own young kids.
Your heart wasn't only one to break, when he heard you speak how hard it had been for them, but never totally focusing on how you had felt. Like it was automatic reaction you did, to shift the spotline of your pain on someone who had gone through 'worse.'
It didn't go unnoticed by him.
You also told him how you checked up on your mom, feeling uneasy of not knowing what was happening between them. You were too used to being on top of everything, listening to every word, trying to create clear picture of things. You know.. just in case it started to sound like you should have to hop in between, often hoping he would honestly just leave.. Feeling he brought more hurt than good, seeing his face and just wanting to scream at it loud.
Hawks knew how tiring it could be, to try to analyze every little thing, to make sure you didn't miss anything. To be hyper aware of everything, because well.. it was his job sure, but also something he had learned from a very young, living in a shithole of a home.
Thinking himself how you being responsible of so many, must have felt the world would be ending if you couldn't keep doing what was expected of you. Being under pressure at all times, having your mind run miles. How old had you been again..? Nine when the parentification had slowly started... not that it had been too great before that either, and going on pretty much until you had eventually had to move out?
Who had been taking care of you?
Ask you, how you were too?
On top of that you had to also deal with school, trying live life outside home too. It was hard, worried you'd be needed when you werent around.. Anxiety of being unaware, hoping your siblings knew they were still cared. Actually having to skip school over that fear too, fearing of leaving them there alone. Also staying home when offering to help your parents with something that again, shouldn't have been your job.. but why would they refuse, you were being helpful.
Still often feeling like you should have done more, done better job at protecting them from all the internal war. Was there something you had missed..? Thinking if you could have done something more early on... what if this was somehow your fault..?
"..did you, have anyone to look after you? To.. check up on how you were feeling.. how you were holding up in the middle of all that? Supporting you through the storms too?"
He was quite sure he already knew the answer for that, the way he had seen you act, he wished it didn't have to be like that. Having this idea in your head, that you were supposed to handle it all by yourself, having had hard time to lean on him first too, open up when you had felt doomed. From the sounds of your words and knowing more of your past, it sounded like you had been alone carrying everyone else, while suffering in silence all by yourself. It pained him to hear, but your silence to his question only confirmed it. You didn't want to say it out loud. Admit of feeling so alone and lost, having to navigate through everything without help. While still trying to comfort and convince yourself with the thought, that it wasn't really that bad, that it could have been far worse.
"Well I'm here now. I'm sorry you had to go through all that, it never should have been your responsibility to take care of them.. You were just kid trying to survive and keep peace in the house, that takes a lot.. It's a lot for anyone but especially a child. You did incredible considering what tools you got. It wasn't your fault or up to you to fix that, but I know for sure your siblings are grateful for you just having been there, you're so sweet and thoughtful. I see the love and care whenever you talk about them, and I know they can feel it as well. I kinda wish I had someone like you when I grew up, just having someone to lean on can do a lot."
His words and sweet gestures honestly meant a lot, the words about your siblings hitting pretty hard, assuring you that you had done more than enough. That all your work wasn't unseen, it had made bigger impact that you'd let yourself believe.
He held you in his arms, covering your form under his soft feathers, feeling more protective of you after all he had heard, keeping you safe in his embrace. Knowing this wasn't even half of the story, just a scratch on the surface you had shown. Trusting him enough to share part of your path, wanting him to see all your different sides, even if it was uncomfortable at first.
"I hope now I can be someone you can lean on too, you shouldn't have to go through everything alone.. You deserve to be taken care of too, you don't have to suffer alone anymore. It's okay to admit being hurt. You don't always have to act strong, even though I know you are, but you don't have to be that all of the time. I'm here now. I got your back like I know you got mine, no more of that one sided caring, alright? It should always go both ways with the people you're close. I want to be someone close to you, and with your thoughts and feelings too. Those deserve to be heard also."
Moment of silence as you let those words sink in, his embrace tightening to feel you more close, to emphasize his words. Letting you know it was okay to express your feelings too, he would never just dismiss them like some others had. Showing you, you weren't left alone. Not when he was around.
"And he, honestly sounds like an ass.. he should have done more than that, he was a parent too, an adult. I don't know everything he has done, but I can still say it was unfair and unjustified the things he did and the things he didn't do. I'm sorry he put you through that. You deserved better than that."
When he called him an ass, it was so sudden you couldn't help but let out a bitter laugh. It came out of nowhere, but it honestly felt good to have someone say that too, oddly satisfying of seeing someone call him out on his crap too, not just brushing it off. Showing how he was pissed off for your behalf, maybe it was okay for you to feel like that as well.. To still be angry for things, that before this, had gone unheard for years.
Caressing your face as he looked at you fondly, with mix of sadness and admiration in his eyes. He felt honored to feel this close to you, to be let on something this huge. Thats how it definetely felt at least, and you were tired of pretending like it didn't. It had been hard and it still hurt a lot.
You got the feeling he understood some aspects of it himself, knowing how you felt. Propably being parentified kid himself.. thats how you felt at least, you could sense it in him, like you were wearing his sensitive wings instead.
You were right of course, keeping you close while thinking your past. Maybe someday he would open about his too, knowing you would care and not judge him, hoping you had some of that unconditional love left for him too.. for Keigo. He sure as hell had that for you, it only growing every day spend with you.
He would be here for you.
"Thank you Hawks. That honestly means a lot.. I'm.. glad you are here."
A smile appeared on his face. Gently bringing a finger under your chin, slowly raising your head so your eyes met his, cherising your beautifull face. Making sure you felt seen. He could still sense the lingering uncertainity on your face, after bringing all this to the surface, from the cold sea.
He leaned in to a soft kiss, making sure you felt nothing but warm and cared. Simmering down those huge waves, feeling more calm and safe. You didn't have to sail through the storms alone, now he would help you navigate through them with you, like the boat was his own.
Afterall you two were sailing in it together from now on.
"I'm glad I'm here too"
(I don't know if this turned out exactly the way I wanted but it's okayy🙏 I'll probably write another one with this topic but bit differently at some point)
i just love killua & alluka/nanika sm bc i know that no matter what and no matter how old they get, killua is always going to see them as his little babies. :(
he literally adopted them and was also the only one who took care of, hung out w, and loved them, even when they were years younger (aside from the butlers, but they don’t count in the same way), so he’s basically their parental figure along w being their older brother.
I know I'm a full-grown adult, but the weird energy of problem solving my mom's nail polish problem the other day while remaining calm and level-headed felt like I was her mother in that moment
I honestly kind of regret talking to my mom about her using me as a therapist; because even though I’m glad she’s been doing it less I miss the connection we used to have, even if it was bad and unhealthy.
I miss being my Mother’s “best friend.” I miss being emotionally exhausted because I had to listen to her vent about her “problem-of-the-week, I miss when she used to cry on my shoulder about how horrible things were and how badly she wished things were different, wished that she hadn’t made the mistake of motherhood.
She still does this—vents to me, treats me like a therapist—just not as often. There are glimpses of what we once had but they’re only momentary, fleeting like an up-tempo heartbeat.
When I told her that it was wrong—for her to tell me all that, for her to treat me as a therapist, as an adult, as her best and closest friend— it was in the hopes that she’d start treating me like her daughter.
Now she treats me like a stranger.
I begged and pleaded to be treated like her child, and now she doesn’t even treat me like an acquaintance.
I was chilly in the shade she basked me in, where I was treated as her best friend and listening ear; now I stand basking in this dark shadow of distance—Now, I’m getting frostbite.
it's weird being a trans man and parentified because for a good 15 years of my life i was my mom's daughter – the one who took care of her when i was the one who needed help; the one who mediated arguments between my parents; the at home therapist. and i relate a lot to the 'eldest daughter' posts in the parentified tag but i also feel disconnected because i am her son now and have for the last 7 years. i was still parentified after coming out, but the dynamic changed slightly because i was no longer her daughter.
i was my mom's "mini-me" because i looked just like her. sometimes when i look in the mirror i can't see my buzzcut and beard and still see my mom looking back at me. i know how she felt being the parentified daughter to her mom because that was me too, just the next generation.
we had a very specific relationship as mother and daughter that doesn't disappear from my history because i transitioned and it's hard to talk about without people claiming i'm misgendering myself even when i say i don't think i've always been a guy, i do think i changed while growing up, but the born this way rhetoric is so common that i can't acknowledge the fact my childhood was a little girl in the way society and my family raised me. idk just some ramblings i guess
