Brain Curd #457
Brain Curds are barely-edited fiction, poetry, or just about anything else - drafted in a day or less. Remember, kids - badges are not your friends.
It was five o’clock somewhere, but in Irvine, CA, it was only ten in the morning - which was admittedly early for Alice and Lily to wake up, but they really needed a drink.
“This year has been the absolute worst.” Lily took a swig of her hard cider. “I’m failing all my classes, my student loans keep getting bigger, and I’m being genocided.”
“Oh, please.” Alice snorted. “You think you’re being genocided? Take a look at the news. ICE has been rounding up everyone with skin darker than milk and sending them to concentration camps. You’re fine.”
“I’m not fine if I decide to go to Texas!”
“Why the hell would you go to Texas?”
“Well, it used to be a free country, Alice!”
Alice shook her head.
Brayden, whistling a chipper tune, sat next to the two at the bar and played a little ditty with his palms.
“Bartender, a round for me and my friends, please!”
Lily sneered at him. “What’s got you in such a great mood?”
Brayden chuckled. “All my financial troubles are over.”
Alice raised an eyebrow. “How?”
Brayden pulled out a badge from his pocket, reading Immigrations and Customs Enforcement.
“You joined la freakin’ migra?”
“Yeah! They’re hiring just about anybody! And they pay off your student loans! I couldn’t pass that up!”
Lily dropped her head onto the bartop and covered her head with her hands. “Oh god… even the t-boys are turning against us… wait…” Lily looked him up and down, squinting as hard as she could. “Aren’t you a little short to be a storm trooper?”
“And a little dark?” Alice added.
“What’s the big deal?” Brayden put away his badge. “Why are you two so upset? I’m not rounding anyone up.”
“What do you mean?” Alice asked.
“In case you haven’t noticed, this administration is a complete trainwreck. Remember how they fired everyone?”
“Yeah.”
“And then they hired most of them back because their jobs were actually important?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, now they aren’t firing anybody. So I can just collect my paycheck and never show up to work!” He chugged a whole bottle of cheap beer. “Win-win situation. I get paid, they don’t hire somebody else for my position, and nobody gets deported.”
“You really think they aren’t going to notice that you never show up to work?”
“Huh? Oh, no way. I’m at work right now.”
Lily attempted to take a sip of cheap beer and gagged. “How are you at work when you’re drinking with us?”
Brayden whispered. “Technically I’m supposed to be raiding this bar right now. We don’t wear uniforms, you see. But I’ll just say everyone had their birth certificates with them so there was nobody to deport.”
“But wait…” Lily slurred. “If they’re so disorganized, how do you know they aren’t raiding this bar twice?”
Brayden rubbed his chin. “That would be really stupid… so… I guess that means they’re probably doing it.”
“Hands on your head!” A masked man pushed Brayden’s face onto the bar. “Show me your papers!”
“What the hell, man? Why would I have my papers with me, I was born here!”
“Likely story!”
“Look, look, I’m one of you! Check my pocket! I have a badge!”
The masked man fished around in Brayden’s pocket and found it. He grabbed a radio from his belt. “Suspected illegal has stolen my badge, I repeat, suspected illegal has stolen my badge. Apprehending now, requesting armed backup.”
Alice rolled her eyes. “You’d better not leave us with the tab.”
Penned 2025.08.19
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