i cant socialise, can't even be comfortable with being outside of my house. and so, i cant participate in any activities where i can hang out with people i wanna hang out with. and so, i don't know what they're doing recently, what they're up to. and so, we get further apart.
i cant even say good things to comfort someone who's struggling. i cant help anyone. i'll only make things worse. i cant even "be that person to go to" because i wasn't born with the ability to sympathise with others. and the ability to simply not say bad stuff to worsen their feelings. i can't say anything nice. and so, we get further apart.
i don't know the social rules. no one taught me. but everyone except me somehow managed to know what to say, presents to give, when to hug... guess what, i don't understand all those things. why am i like this... am i just not made to even get slightly closer to others?? am i just not suitable for any sorts of relationships? i dont even know the meaning of "friendship". and so, we get further apart.
and, it's not even about not being able to make friends or sustain friendships. i hurt others simply by initiating a relationship. i should be left alone. i should die alone. feels like my existence is for nothing but to hurt people i know. and to watch them suffer while not being able to help.
